Donghae was dreaming. He knew that much because in the dream, he couldn’t have been older than eleven, and he was certainly older than that now. He watched curiously as younger self kicked a ball enthusiastically to a younger version of someone he knew very well.

Well, he should say he used to know, seeing as it had been three years since he’d seen him properly. Mentally, he shrugged. It was an old wound. He should just continue with his dream.

The other boy kicked it back, giving his familiar smile, one that still had the ability to make Donghae’s heart clench every time he saw it. There was a reason he rarely looked at pictures of them together. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself he was totally over him, there was always the little part of him who wanted him back.

They were both giggling. It seemed to be mid-autumn, the leaves rich reds and browns, scattered across the grass, wind stirring them across. His younger version’s hair was messy, the eyes glittering with excitement and the exertion of playing with his best friend.

Oh . No, he recognized the t-shirt he was wearing, the one with the green fish. No. No, that could mean only one thing.

This was not a part of his life he wanted to remember.

Because in about five minutes, his mother was going to come through and change his life forever.

He tried desperately to wake himself up. It didn’t work. Nonononononononononono…

He didn’t want to think about this.  But his mind had other ideas, and he was forced to watch as his mother came out of the house with the saddest expression he’d ever seen on her face.

“D-donghae.” She called, her voice choked. Younger Donghae looked at her questioningly.

“Mum?”

She walked over to him slowly, her breathing a little heavy. “Baby, come in for a minute, would you?” Her breath came out shaky. “Hyuk, I’m sorry honey, but Donghae can’t play for a bit…could you…”

Eunhyuk nodded, sensing that this was something private. He might have only been a child, but he could still pick up on the worrying vibe. “Of course.” He gave a sweet smile and turned to Donghae. “Bye, Hae. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” He bowed his head to Donghae’s mother. “Thanks for having me!” With that, he left. It had only been a few weeks since the fence accident, but he and Donghae were already close, so much so that they considered themselves best friends.

Young Donghae watched him go, scared about what his mother was about to say. She came forward and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Come on, baby. “ She said as she led him inside. Donghae knew that now, right now, something was going to change him irrevocably, and he didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to know.

They stepped into the kitchen, the sun filtering through the yellow curtains, glinting off the metal of the sink. He focused on it, knowing that whatever his mother had to say would most likely make him want to cry. And he didn’t want to cry. “Where’s Donghwa?” He asked, a distraction technique, trying to put it off.  Ignorance is bliss…

“He’s in his room.” She swallowed again and knelt down beside him, taking one of his hands. He refused to look at her, now focusing on the tree at the end of the garden. “Sweetheart, look at mummy.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Okay… Just listen.” She took a deep breath in. “Daddy…isn’t with us…anymore.” A tear trickled down her cheek. “He’s been taken to heaven.” Donghae did not respond. “Sweetie, do you understand?” He nodded stiffly, still refusing to look at his mother.  She carried on. “You know he had to…work.” She gave a small gasping noise. “And that’s why he wasn’t home. But…oh God…” She took a shuddering breath. “He was… into the tornado.”

It sounded ridiculous. Even twenty years later, Donghae could still remember her saying that and think that it was some overly melodramatic film. Because his dad couldn’t possibly have been into a tornado, not his dad. But it was true. He had lost his beloved father, aged only ten.

And he hadn’t even waved goodbye.

His younger self couldn’t take it, and he watched as he tore out of the room, flinging the front door open and stumbling over to the next house, where Eunhyuk lived. The door was always unlocked; this was a relatively safe area and Hyukjae’s parents trusted him. Well, they trusted Sora.

He pushed in, blindly stomping up the stairs until he found Eunhyuk’s bedroom door and shoved it open. Eunhyuk was sat on his bed, and he looked up in surprise when Donghae stormed in.

“Hae…what is it?” Was all he could say before Donghae threw his arms around him and buried his face in his chest. His face was wet, staining Eunhyuk’s new shirt, but he didn’t care. He wanted to know what was wrong. But all Hae did was cry his heart out.

Donghae shot up from his bed, his breath coming out in a short huff. Why had that dream come today? He sighed, passing a hand over his face and reaching for the water bottle next to his bed. He was sweaty, despite the fact that he was wearing nothing but pyjama pants. He took a long drink from the bottle, letting his breathing slow down.

The clock was blinking, the red numbers reading 4:00 AM. Too early, he thought. Not if I have to work today, I need to sleep. Today was going to be hard enough without old memories he’d really rather not think about being dredged up. Losing his father had been the worst thing that had ever happened to him…until his break up.

He closed his eyes and groaned. It really wasn’t going to be a good day. He did not want to think about Hyukjae. Or his father’s death. Both things made him feel guilty and and he could not take that, especially because of the pressure at work at the moment.

But that was his own fault. He’d chosen to have the same career as his father, had chosen to try and make it so that nobody lost their families to a natural disaster. A stupid aim, perhaps, but one he’d held onto through the horrible months after his father’s death. That and Hyukjae. There were so many things he owed to ex…too many.

The fact that Hyukjae had supported his dream, and even joined him in it, had meant so much. It had all been so perfect, until Hyukjae had gotten too into it, too obsessed with his work. Donghae had always known he was a bit of a thrill-seeker, but when your boyfriend was constantly volunteering for missions that could get him killed, and paying more attention to it than you, it didn’t make for a healthy relationship.

So Donghae had ended it, after eight years of being lovers and seventeen of being best friends. It had stung horribly, leaving the one person he’d always had, the one he thought he’d always need, but he couldn’t watch him be like this, wondering if he’d survive the next idiotic stunt.

The expression on Hyukjae’s face as he’d said it had killed him, crushed him, but he had to do it, had to break away before Eunhyuk did something he couldn’t cope with. Maybe they would have been okay, but he didn’t think so.

It had been three years, three years of focusing on work, of sporadic one-night stands because he really couldn’t get into another relationship. And he still missed him like hell, sometimes, but what could he do?