I cried and cried so hard that day reading Yuri’s diary and letter. My eyes were swollen from all the tears. I cried until a point where no tears could be produced anymore. There is only so much pain one person could take. I felt that I’ve cried my heart out. Exhausted. Lost. Defeated.

I’ve accepted it. I’ve accepted all of it. Her loss. That I was stupid for attempting suicide. I wouldn’t meet her. It was just an excuse. An excuse to stop the pain that I felt. After accepting everything that happened, I don’t feel anymore. I was in depression.

“Good morning.” Someone slides open the door.

“…” I pay no attention to him. I just look outside the window of the hospital.

“Are you feeling any better? Here take these vitamin pills. It’s good for your health.”

“…”

“Come on… Take it.” He put it on the palm of my hand.

“…”

“Here a cup of water.”

“…”

“I’m gonna bug you until you take it.”

“...”

“Or would you want me to persuade you like how I persuade the kids to take medication?”

“…”

“Alright. Be a good girl and oppa will treat you to ice-cream later. Ok Sicababy?“

“Don’t call me that…”

“Hmm? Ahh!! I’m sorry. I call the kids that way too. They love it you know. What’s wrong with calling you Sicababy anyway? It’s kinda cute and suitab-“

“I SAID DON’T CALL ME THAT!” I threw the pills at him.

I was furious. No one calls me that besides Yuri. No one. He looked away to avoid the pills from hitting his face but I could see him breathing heavily clenching his fist. There was a moment of silence until he broke it.

“WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?! HERE I AM TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP. HOW LONG MORE ARE YOU GOING TO SULK?!”

“NO ONE ASKED YOU TO! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“YOU THINK YOU’RE SO PITIFUL?! YOU THINK YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO LOST A LOVED ONE?! WELL WAKE UP WILL YOU?! WE ALL HAVE!!”

“WHO ASK YO-“

“WELL I’M SENT HERE FROM… FROM THE HEAVENS TO TELL YOU THAT!!! WAKE UP AND STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!!! YOU KNOW WHY?! THE WARD BESIDE YOU? THE ORPHAN KID IS STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! WHILE YOU? A PERFECTLY ABLE PERSON THAT HAS A PERFECT LOVING FAMILY THAT CARES FOR YOU BUT NO!!! YOU WANT TO DIE!!! YOU WANT TO DIE?! NOT TO MENTION HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO SAVE YOU FROM ALL YOUR SUICIDE ATTEMPTS?!”

“…” I took in everything he said. I guess I really needed someone to shout at me. To wake me up. Slap me in the face instead of feeling pity of my loss.

“…” He went silent too. The door slides open and the doctor blinked a few times feeling the tense atmosphere.

“What happened here?” The doctor asked.

“I… I’m sorry I accidentally dropped the pills. I’ll clean it up and get new ones…” He said and bow to the doctor.

“Aish this kid. Work properly you clumsy head. I’ll let you go this time seeing that you’re an intern… but you’ve worked here for a month already hasn’t you?”

“Yes doctor. I’m really sorry.” He bowed again and picked up the pills.

“Alright. How are you Jessica-sshi?”

-------------------------------------------

The next day he came in again at the same time with the vitamins. I took the vitamins without a word. I can see from the corner of my eyes that he is surprised but I didn’t care.

“I’m sorry Jessica-sshi. For yesterday. I was out of place. I’m sorry.” He said and bow to me.

“… … … It’s okay… I’m sorry too.” I said to him before he left my room.

-------------------------------------------

I started to open up to people again. I visited the kid of the ward beside me and I understood what the nurse intern guy said. I shouldn’t toy with my life. I talked to the kid and the kid told me to be strong. I smiled. It’s the first time I’ve smiled ever since Yuri has been gone. I hugged the kid and tell her to be strong too. I left the hospital and even though so, I’ve decided to visit her often.

I apologize to my family, to Yuri’s family and to the people in the hospital. I took the courage to visit Yuri’s grave and I promised her that it’s the last time I’m ever going to cry for her ever again. I still love her but I decided to let her go like how she wished me to. It's hard for me but I had to.

I went back to studying almost immediately. I moved to another apartment because the old one reminds me too much of her.

I am not sure whether it’s fate or coincidence that I met the intern nurse guy again. He studied at a nearby university and visited his sister whom happens to be a friend of mine. He is the first person I told about Yuri and I. I don’t know why. Maybe he reminds me of a certain someone sometimes.

I keep in touch with my family, I have friends, I studied well and I earn money for myself.

I’m living well aren’t I Yuri?