A YEAR AFTER.....   I patted my flat stomach. It was 9 months and 9 days he's been inside my womb.After he came to the world, I just could hugging and kissing him less than 15 minutes before he was grabbed roughly from my laps! It still clear on my sight he's sleeping beside me. He's drinking his milk . His baby scent, his cries and his laugh and smile. But then Mom and Dad came and take him away from me. Forever. I begged to them, I plead and I cried not to take him away from me but Dad and Mom didnt listen to me. They said I'm a ungrateful daughter! I gave an extremely shameful history to our family! I hurt their pride when I was pregnant with an illegitimate child! Something that my family really avoid to happen to our descendant but at the end I'll make their nightmare become true!

"When was the humanitarian mission trips going to leave?" I look at him who sitting beside me.

  "Next month. Are u interested?" He look at me in the eyes. Seems trying to plead me through his eyes asking me to go with him.   "I dont know. I never been there. I know nothing about Sinuiju, North Korea. The North is just recover from the war right? But.. I felt like I really want to go..."   "The war has ended on 1987. But they achieve their peace on 2002. Now, its only left a minor wars. There's no war is really come to the end. For example Iraq,Iran,Khmer and a lot of country still in their small war even though its not involving a lot of deaths. We will go together with our goverment, cooperation with the South Korean Embassy at North Korea. We'll help them.   "Once u get there what u gonna do?"   "Well, I'm a doctor, Dara. Of course I'll provide them a medical services and check up for free. There's a lot of doctors will join this missions. U can join us too. There's a one vacancy that need to be fill." Felix smiled to me.    He look handsome when a sweet smile foam on his lips. After the incident that which it happened a year ago,he came to me apologized for leaving me behind when we run away from the cops. Seeing his smile making me forgive him quickly.   "A teacher. U can teach them English and Hangul handwriting."   I chuckled. "U're funny Felix. I'm not a teacher."   "Even u're not a teacher doesnt mean that u cant teach them. Just teach them some simple basic. Reading and writing in English and Hangul."   "But how? I can't speak North language. Even we are speak in Korean but their words is not the same with us. They dont even understand English.."   Felix chuckled. "Tomorrow we have a briefing about the mission. U can join us. Mr. Kim Gimhae deputation representative of North - South Korea will give some advice about North Korea.   "Okay. I'll think about it. I need to asking a permission from Dad and Mom. Its a miracle if they let me go with u."

"No! The answer is no!" Mom state firmly.

"Dad..." I shift my gaze to Dad. Plead him through my eyes.    "Dont plead ur Dad! The answer is still NO! Dont u read the paper? Dont u watch the news? Our reporters been shot to death during their mission there? They going with government, intervention with army truck. No matter what kind of security forces they bring along, it's still not safe!" Mom said firmly.   "Honey.. no matter where we going the death is still everywhere." Dad persuading her.   "Agree. So just die here in Seoul! Why did u need to go far away? She's a girl! If anything happen to her, we're in trouble too!"   I show my unsatisfied face. Mom is hard to plead! If she said No thats mean it still no!   "If u worry about my safety, I bring Dad along and Mom can join us too.." I said.   "Why dont u bring our maids too? A thousands of ur Dad staffs? Bring them all along! So all of us would die there together!"   When I was about to open my mouth to answer Mom, Dad shooking his head asking me to just silent. I obey. Then, I stood up from the living room and walking to the backyard sitting near the swimming pool. I lift my head to the dark skies. The waxing moon look pretty but seems lonely even a millions of stars surround  the moon. My life is just the same as the moon. Even I had a lots of people by my side I'm still feeling lonely. Even I had Felix who always loving me, I still feel the loneliness! A feeling that really hard to describe! I felt lonely and weary!   "Dara..there's anything u want to update?" Dad soft voice make me startled. I look at him and smiled.   "U looks different this lately. Why?" I frowned by his question. "What did u mean Dad?"   "After u come back from UK...u seems different... There's anything u want to tell me?"   "Its nothing Dad..."   Dad just silent for a while.   "Okay now..tell me, why do u want to go there? To the North." I duck my head. Thinking. What kind of excuses I should give him?   "I want to be a human.."   Dad laugh. I look at him with my hurt face. It seems he's mocking me with his laugh.   "So all this while u're not a human being?"   "I mean I want to be a real human. A mature real woman!" His face started serious but a sweet smile still foaming on his lips.   "Why did u said so?"   "I cant find a best words to describe the feelings inside  me Dad. I want to find myself! The missing me!" His face even more serious. His gaze strike my eyes.   "Is there anything u want to share with me?"   "Relax Dad..its nothing. Just.. I was so curious about their lives after the war. Our life in here is not the same as them. Maybe the experience to living with them will make me mature. Maybe I can learn something new with them."   Dad turn his sight to nowhere. Maybe thinking. Through his face I know he is reluctant too. They're worry because I'm the only one child they has. I know that feeling too.   "I'll go together with u, is it okay?" He suggest. I nodded my head quickly, happy.   "But just for 1 week. Then we back together to Seoul along with Felix. He's only there for 1 week too, right? U don't need to stay there for 5 months. There's no one will taking care of u if something happen. And what will happen to Dara Kizz if u leave it 5 months?" Dad using Dara Kizz, my gallery and my shopping complex that Dad build for me.   "Mom can take care of it. 5 months is not too long Dad. Please...." My voice a bit cracked. I dont know why the feeling to going there is eagering inside me badly. "Dad..please..." I begged again.   "U really want to go?" I nodded my head several times.   "Promise u will take care of urself?" I look at him,disbelief. Miracle is going to happen. I can feel it!   "I will!" I stood up and salute him. Dad laughing. He's stood up and hugging me.  

45 minutes is the flight durations from Seoul to Pyongyang Sunan Airport. The entry arrangements run smoothly since the immigration officials have been very cooperative. Our delegation was welcomed by embassy officials and the press non stop taking our picture.

Several buses have been provided for us but me, Dad and Felix were given the privilege. We are riding the Mercedes Benz heading to our hotel since its late at night and the wheater is cold we all just locking ourself inside our room.   On the next morning we were brought to Sinuiju. A very poor village thats all I can say. Their life is a much different from the people who live in Pyongyang. Their houses is moderate,wooden and roofed by a obsolete zinc. Felix and his team began their medical services while I'm just scanning surround me. A different place and looks really pathetic. They look extremely thin due to the lack of foods. Their main job here is a gardener,farmer and fisherman. Thats why they skinned is dark and their face is really different from a Korean face. They working really hard just to get a foods for their family. A world that is too foreign for me.   My focus was disturb by a litt