Myungsoo sighed heavily. This is wrong, he thought. This is not what I imagined would happened. Bottom lip quivered. Myungsoo’s face contorted into a terribly beautiful, yet heart breaking expression. He looked older than his age as he was wearing a deep grief face and his eyes welled with tears. He took a long, shuddering breath and blinked rapidly to see past the rim of warm wetness threatening to overspill his eyes. Whimpering, he struggled not to cry. "Don't cry," he mumbled to himself. He grinded his teeth back and forth, as his heart beat out of rhythm.

What do I do?

After just standing there for a good few minutes, he finally managed to gather up his guts. Right hand reached out and rested on the incubator glass that separated between him and his sons, Jongseo and Youngsoo. The boys were born exactly when the time passed midnight. Jongseo was three minutes older than Youngsoo.

Before he had –they had Soojong, babies were all looked the same to Myungsoo, were all far too underdeveloped to make out any hereditary features. They were always red and puffy and blotchy and usually looked furious. Whenever a relative gave birth and wondered, “Doesn’t he have so-and-so’s eyes?” Myungsoo would nod along, while secretly rolling his eyes, because no, not really.

Obviously, though, he was wrong.

He could picked out everything.

Everything.

Soojong had Sungjong’s dad’s chin, Myungsoo’s mom’s hair, Sungjong’s beautiful big doe eyes, his forehead, his eyebrows, Myungsoo’s cute perfect nose, but basically Soojong looked more Sungjong than Myungsoo but not that Myungsoo has anything to complain about it though. He was proud Soojong took after Sungjong. She was a pretty baby. His baby. Their baby.

While the boys, Jongseo and Youngsoo, the identical twins, took after Myungsoo. Myungsoo could have sworn he saw tiny pieces of himself in his sons. Like almost looking at the mirror. Almost like Myungsoo’s shadow.

Both were born prematurely after–

God. Myungsoo couldn’t say it, couldn’t even imagine to it. No.

There were wires and tubes attached on the infants that Myungsoo himself wasn’t sure what their names were. Wires for ventilator, temperature monitor, IV pumps, oxygen saturation monitor, the feeding tubes; if he remembered the names correctly because honestly, when the nurse in charge was explaining to him, he wasn’t really listened to her. Myungsoo just nodded– faking he understood, faking he actually care to everything that had been told to him because he had been asked several times to himself, is that really matter than his sons? Hyosong, the nurse, could see how upset Myungsoo was, and if possible she wanted to just shut up and leave poor Myungsoo alone with the twins but it was her job to let Myungsoo know about what was happening, about everything.

Myungsoo was trembling. He shut his eyes tight, balled both hands on his sides.

I did this to you.

Shoulders dropped in resignation, breathing deeply.

You guys are too young, too small, too fragile.. and I can’t protect you.

Myungsoo opened his eyes but looked at the other way, couldn’t bring himself to have another look at his sons. Someone made a sound that was hurt, confused. Myungsoo couldn’t tell if it was him, Jongseo or Youngsoo.

I’m sorry.

Myungsoo left the sleeping twins in NICU, with the other unfortunate babies. It wasn’t his intention to leave them there but it was just too much for him to swallow for now. Both Jongseo and Youngsoo were diagnosed suffering from heart problems due to born prematurely. They weren’t just inherited Myungsoo’s good look but also his sickness. He recalled his conversation with his father earlier.

“Myungsoo, it isn’t even your fault. You got to calm down, son.” Minwoo tried his best persuading the upset Myungsoo but his words just been replied with scoff by the younger Kim. “Are you kidding me?” Myungsoo nearly shouts, frustrated to his limits.

“Myungsoo–”

“The twins are born prematurely because of me! They suffer heart problems most likely because of me! I’m their father and I gave the illness to them! And Sungjongie.. Sungjongie..” Myungsoo stopped. His chest went up and down. Hurt, so much hurt. He felt like his heart had been ripped out. Suddenly there was an aura of grey around him. It was a mist that wouldn't rise. A state of depression that he couldn't see himself through. He felt a terrible weight on his shoulders. It was as if a giant boulder was laid on him and he couldn't straighten up or catch his breath entirely. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He should have been crying, but he was too numb to even think about crying.

“Myungsoo. Son,” Minwoo tried again, his voice calling was as gentle as before. “Right now it’ll be a really good time to not go nuts.”

Myungsoo ran his fingers in his hair, not saying a word, giving out a hint that this time he’ll listen. His father was right.

“Now, come and sit. Hear me out, please,” Minwoo pat a stool next to him a few times. Myungsoo obeyed. When he sat down, Minwoo could see Myungsoo was all but disturbed, broken. After a short pause, the doctor opened his mouth, “It occurred to me that Sungjong already know about this. He had read, asked a lot. For multiple births like twins and triplets or even more, they are most likely to born early. You got to be clear with that. So, it’s nobody’s fault here. Okay?”

“But was it normal for the boys been born at 34 weeks?” Myungsoo asked weakly, unsure.

Minwoo nodded. “It’s totally normal for twins to arrive between 32 weeks and 37 weeks. These babies generally do very well. There are twins who born even earlier than that, though.”

Myungsoo went silent.

“And so you know, babies born prematurely are more prone to a range of ailments including jaundice, breathing difficulties, hearing and vision problems, low blood sugar, infection and hypothermia. Your babies– Myungsoo, my grandsons have heart problems. It’s because they were born early and some organs weren’t developed well yet. For this case, it’s their hearts. Again, that’s not your fault. No one putting the blame on you. I believe not even Sungjong.”

Myungsoo remained silent, but he seemed less intense this time.

“There’s always a cure for everything, Myungsoo. The twins might have to go for surgery but there’s a bigger chance they might not have to do so, too. We’re all here will do our best to take a good care of your children. You just have to trust us. Jongseo and Youngsoo are in good hands. And they will be better. Have some faith.”

Myungsoo quickly put his arms around Minwoo’s neck, closely held his father. Myungsoo who was at the verge of tears lost all his control, and he cried. “Appa, I’m scared. I’m so scared. It feels like almost impossible for me to do this. I can’t– it’s scary.”

Minwoo’s face dropped slightly. He slowly hugged Myungsoo back, gave a few pats on Myungsoo’s back. A brittle smile curved up on the doctor’s face. It gave back some memories. The father and son had the same appa-I’m-scared-don’t-worry-appa-is-here-son hug then when Myungsoo dreamt about some kind of monster hunted him in his sleeps when he was 6 and also at the time when Myungsoo got to know he had heart problems and only had 6 months left to live his life. Minwoo was always there and for this time too, he was definitely be there for Myungsoo. He’d do it for millionth time. “I know, son. I know. I got you, buddy.”

Buried his face in his father’s neck as he was still crying, the explanation might put Myungsoo’s heart a bit at ease but he was still thinking everything was his fault and he was the one to blame.

It was all started yesterday.

It was nearly dawn and Sungjong still hadn’t slept.

Every time Sungjong was so much as dozed off, the twins decided to kick him in the exact same place right below his ribs. The result? Sungjong was incredibly uncomfortable. He remembered having the same experience with Soojong, but now, try two. It was terrific.

In the beginning of his pregnancy, Sungjong cherished the proof that their twins were alive and well. Myungsoo and Soojong loved to feel the twins kick, both of them placing their hands on Sungjong’s big belly. Soojong especially got excited, dark brown eyes going round and wide with wonder as she squealed over 'her babies’ moving. Sungjong still adored the feeling of his sons moving inside of him but now that he was half way through eight months, some kicks could be painful. 

Careful not to disturb Myungsoo, Sungjong sat up, struggling a bit. He was suddenly too hot, so he stripped out o