MC The Max - Looking At You

We were all listening to the radio in the car when Jun.K oppa played a song for that special someone on the radio. It was raining outside; I sat right behind the driver’s seat, looking through the window that was full of rain droplets. I sighed.
No one probably realized that I’m still deeply in love with Jun.K oppa.
And of course I was wondering who would that special someone is. Well, it could be Jimin too.
Or maybe, someone else. Tsk. Why do he get girls so easily while I’m still stuck with him.
I started crying from the thoughts of him. I wiped my eyes right away, not wanting the others to see my teary eyes.

Back then, he was gentle, he was caring.
His smile was sweet and he seemed genuine.
In front of the camera, he lent me his scarf; behind the camera, he put his jacket on me.
In front of the camera, he held my hand; behind the camera he embraced me in a hug.
I believe that he wasn’t pretending in front of the camera at all.
When he stared right into my eyes with a smile, I felt warmth.
When he held my hand, I felt protected.
When he embraced me, I felt that weird feeling that I’ve never had before.

Is it love? Am I in love with him?

I my iPod and wore my earphones. I don’t want to listen to his voice anymore.
Out of a sudden, Jimin who sat next to me, pulled off my left earphone.
“He made that song for you,” she said.
“What?” I stared at Jimin with disbelief.

“The song that Jun.K sang in the radio broadcast just now...it’s yours,” she said while avoiding my eyes.
“How could…” I was speechless. I was surprised. My heart started thumping loudly.
“He befriended me to get to you,” Jimin said. She was still blankly staring elsewhere. I need to know more but I couldn’t gather my ego to ask Jimin further as I know that she was hurt when saying it to me.
I put my hand on her shoulder and hugged her who started to get teary-eyed.
“I’m sorry Jimin,” I said while trying hard to control my overflowing emotions. I could feel that Jimin has fallen for Jun.K oppa way too quickly and now she’s hurt.
“I gave him your email address… Go check it. He might leave you a message,” she said.
“But Jimin-ah…” It hurts me too seeing her hurt like this.
“There’s not buts and ifs, he loves you this whole time, and I was just stupid for interpreting his signals wrongly. He probably had no intention to be more than friends with me but I was the one who kept telling myself that a relationship with him is possible,” I held her hand tightly.

“I know that you’re thinking of him too this whole time. So go for it. You guys are meant to be together. Don’t worry about me,” she said while wiping her tears and smiled.

I was speechless. She’s right. I kept thinking of him this whole time.

As we arrived home, I grabbed my iPod and went to the café nearby to get an Internet connection as I always do. I decided not to open Jun.K oppa’s email in our personal computer at the dorm, as I don’t want to make Jimin feel even worse if she sees me opening the email.

I half-ran to the café, with my heart thumping loudly and quickly while wondering if he left me any message.

I opened the café’s door and the bell on the top of the door rang, the middle-aged woman who owns the café looked at me and smiled.
“Milkshake again?” she asked me.
I nodded. I’ve been going to this café often ever since we live in the dorm that the middle-aged woman recognizes me.

I grabbed my freshly blended milkshake and sat at the corner of that small café.
I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I kept assuring myself that I’m ready to open my email.
Please God, I really hope an email from him would be on the top of my inbox.

The wi-fi network acted up when I was trying to log in into my account. It kept loading and showed me a blank screen. Sigh, perhaps I’m not destined to connect with Jun.K oppa anymore.

I refreshed my browser once… twice... thrice.
FINALLY.

On the top of my inbox, a new email appeared. And as expected and hoped, it’s from him.
 

From: [email protected]
Subject: Hi.

Hye Jeong-ah, is that you?
It’s really you right?
Forgive me for not replying your email several months ago. I have no idea that you would really send me an email. Trust me, I read that email of yours but I thought it was just a fan who pretended to be you. I know I should’ve remembered or kept the paper with your email written on it but I lose it. I’m sorry.

How are you doing Hye Jeong-ah? I gathered up my courage to finally write you a message because I was ashamed of myself for not being able to reach or contact you sooner. I kept seeing you on the television and it seems like you’re doing very well right now. Good job my Hye Jeong!

My heart stopped for a while after reading “my Hye Jeong”. Does this mean that he still cares for me? Does this mean that he’s been paying attention to me without me noticing? I decided to continue reading the message before making more assumptions.

Hye Jeong-ah, I know that you’re probably still very upset about what happened between Jimin and me. I was being a jerk. I’m sorry.
I admit that I did it to find a way to contact you. You might not be able to trust me for this one but I still hope you do.
I… really… miss you Hye Jeong-ah.

As I was typing this message, I swiped through our photos that we took on my phone back then. I wish I could turn back the time when we were in Jeju Island. I wish I could spend my whole time in Jeju Island back then with you, only you. If only I could turn back the time, I would definitely choose you as my first partner, I would definitely treat you a lot better than the others. I’m sorry.
I had so much fun that time and I hope you feel the same.

If only I could meet you in person and tell you all of this instead of sending you a message through email….
If only I could sing you the song that I made for you in person instead of singing it on the radio…
If only I didn’t lose the paper with your email written on it…
My mind is full with “if only(s)”. As I was writing this letter, all regrets started to strike my mind and pushed me deeper. I’m sorry Hye Jeong-ah.

Stupid-head. He already said sorry for 4 times in this message. I smiled while wiping a few tiny droplets from my eyes. My heart shattered into pieces, I’m happy that he remembers me but it hurts me seeing him broken like this. Who would ever thought that 2PM’s Jun.K would be such a pathetic romantic like this?