The thing about human beings is that they never go for the ones who love them the most, forever wanting to challenge themselves and hurt themselves. Humans were masochistic, they did things that proved harmful to the self and of all the creatures in the animal kingdom, humans were the only ones who practiced spite.

            Joon Hee looked at the man next to him and wondered what made him think that this relationship was in any way healthy. It was an obvious fact that Shiwon and Yoon Jae were meant to be. The two of them grew up together, bickered together and practically live with each other. All they needed back then was one more push to get together.

            He knew that as a boy, it would be nearly impossible for him to be able to confess his feelings to Yoon Jae. It was something he was getting used to himself, an identity that he had to try on, to see if it fit. And so far, it was a bit oversized, a bit too large for him to claim as himself.

            It was 1997, and even though the country was becoming more and more liberal, it was still unusual for boys to be gay. He shuddered a bit at the word. It was too much, a mouthful of dry sand, for him to say, for him to openly be able to admit. Even now, he was confused.

            Did he think Shiwon was attractive? Yes. She was pretty and had chubby cheeks and bright eyes and a fiery temper that his mother had always said a wife should have. She was the classic Busan girl, with an opinionated mind and the wisecracking mouth to go with it. Did he think the other girls in the other classes could be pretty? Well, yes.

            The other guys watched a lot of and they made him join. He tried to watch it and feel something, but all it did was make him feel slightly queasy and more sure that he wasn’t into that sort of thing. It was just the way he was born, and there was nothing he could do about it.

            Joon Hee sighed. For him to be pining over a very obviously straight guy was torture, self-inflicted torture. He knew Yoon Jae was off limits and yet every time he touched him on the shoulder or wrapped in a friendly hug, he couldn’t stop the emotions from filling him. Love was a funny thing and even though logically Joon Hee knew to stay away, he found that he couldn’t.

            He also didn’t want to risk losing a best friend. Besides someone that Joon Hee would consider his first love, Yoon Jae was also his best friend. And yes, this big secret was something he couldn’t tell his best friend, because it involved said good comrade, but they were still as close as anything.

            Which is why now, when Joon Hee didn’t show up for the test to go into the air force, he wondered if he was making a grave mistake. It wouldn’t be a mistake to the teachers. The first chance for the valedictorian and salutatorian to go to Seoul University was a big deal. For the two of them to stupidly throw it away to the army was a waste. Joon Hee had followed Yoon Jae and now that Yoon Jae couldn’t go, he was following him back out. Because it was more bearable to be around him, loving in unrequitedly than to not be around.

           Yoon Jae had asked him if there was a secret someone he liked and when he said yes, the automatic first guess was Shiwon. Was it the girl that he liked or the guy who asked the question? Joon Hee didn’t tell Yoon Jae because to tell him anything but the truth, was obviously a lie. But to tell the truth would be to shatter an illusion that he had put up for so long and a friendship he had cultivated into one that may be worth more than just a first love.

            There would be others, Joon Hee tells himself as he watched the dashing bride walk down the aisle. There would be others who would love him back, and give him what he deserved, he decided as he watched Shiwon’s hands placed into Yoon Jae’s.

            Through the vows, he kept his face straight, knowing that if he allowed the jealousy to consume, he would be overwhelmed and would ruin two friendships. When they kissed, he watched them and even though he didn’t feel completely heartbroken, there was a little part of him that flew out and away and would never be retrieved again.

            This was the end, the final sentence in the chapter titled ‘My First Love.’ And unlike most stories, this one didn’t have a happy ending.

I'm finding some time to be able to write more than one story and to be able to update more often so let's hope I can update more

obviously based off of my favorite drama haha