- - -

Part 31: What If...

- - -

a/n: place and time shifts, please take note of them so you won't be confused. not beta-ed. you can kill me later. 

Daegu
Now

He was sure that Jonghyun was telling his story for hours already and it was now late. He checked the clock when he closed the lights a while ago. He told Jonghyun that he could sleep in the spare room or on the mattress on the floor. The elder declined the spare room, saying that it would be less of a hassle when obviously he was just too worn out from everything to actually move. The younger claimed the couch after that was said. His excuse was that it was his plan even before Jonghyun decided to show up.

“Thanks Bummie.” Jonghyun whispered because that was all that he could manage, his throat felt raw from all the crying and talking that he did. But at least, he had done his part. He was not waiting for Kibum to tell him that he’s forgiven. He was contented knowing that Kibum is aware of what happened. “I promise you this would be the last time that I would bother you. Sorry for being so much of a burden.” He continued, the last words fading into soft whispers as he laid as still as he could while talking. Kibum thought, maybe he was too tired that he couldn’t even look at him. He was not even sure if the vocalist’s eyes were still open. But the rhythmic and evident rise and fall of his chest was enough for him to make sure that the other was still alive (Only, if he looked harder in the dark or paid a bit more attention to Jonghyun in general, he’d also notice how labored that breathing was. And how they almost turned into ragged pants as the night crawled to dawn).

Kibum pulled the blanket closer to his body. He didn’t know what to feel or to think about all the things that Jonghyun told him. He didn’t even know if they were real. But Jonghyun said he didn’t have to believe it. And that he would do.

“Good night, Jonghyun hyung.”

The next morning, Kibum woke up with sunlight warming a patch of skin on his arm, but he didn’t open his eyes yet. He felt the rain was over. He would like to think that last night was just a dream. And when he would open his eyes he would be in the living room alone.

And he was.

The pillow fortress and blankets were just the way he remembered them before he went out to get the door. As if none of it happened.

Seoul
Now

“Hyun oppa!” Hyunae rushed to the door of the silver car the moment it parked in the garage and opened the driver’s door herself. “What happened? Are you okay? Wait! Why are you so pale?! Have you eaten?!” she held his face and it felt cold. Too cold actually.

“Oppa is fine, Baby Doll.” Jonghyun chuckled as he pulled her hands away (even his hands felt cold) and got off the car. “Thank you so much for worrying. Shall we have lunch? I’m starving!”

Hyunae stood there, watching her half brother walk, or more like stagger, inside their house, smiling, but not really. And it broke her heart.

“So he didn’t believe him after all.” She sighed. “Was he really worth it oppa? I shouldn’t have forced you to give it a try.” Jonghyun was already out of earshot but she said it any way, “I’m sorry.”

Jonghyun disappeared inside the house and Hyunae could just pick up the broken pieces of his heart on his wake. She inhaled deeply, she had to be strong for her oppa at least.

“Appa’s friend, Dr. Goo, went to some place and gave appa some doenjang when he returned. Sooo~ you wouldn’t mind if I cooked Beef Doenjang Jjigae, right?” she called as she skipped in after him. When she finally entered the area, she saw Jonghyun scavenging for food in the kitchen cabinets. She frowned and poked him on his back. “Can you wait for like... uhm twenty or so minutes for me to whip up a proper meal? You said you’re starving!” the younger girl nagged as she pulled out a stone pot from one of the cabinets, and collected the ingredients after. “Eating snacks would just spoil your appetite.”

“Aren’t you the best baby sister ever?!” Jonghyun cooed and pinched the younger’s nose playfully. Hyunae slapped his hand and glared in the same manner.

“Do that again and you’re off to make food for yourself!” she turned her back on him and began chopping the onions. “Go take a bath or something. You stink!” then it was silent, so Hyunae thought Jonghyun followed her advice.

Then there were arms wrapping on her mid-waist, a (rather warm) forehead on her shoulder and the telltale sniffling. She stopped chopping and placed the knife down in favor of patting the arms braced on her stomach.

“Thank you for everything Baby Doll. But there was nothing that I could do about it anymore. Sorry for wasting your efforts.” Jonghyun’s hug tightened and she wanted to turn around and hug him properly to comfort him. “He wanted nothing to do with me anymore and it hurts so much... And maybe he hates me so much too that he wants to live like nothing happened. As if I didn’t exist... But I still love him.”

“Then what are you going to do?” she asked after a moment of silence. They haven’t moved from their position, nor Jonghyun stopped crying.

The elder sniffled one more time then lets go of his sister. She was about to face him but was stopped with a muffled ‘No.’ so she stayed facing the counter. He inhaled a lung-full of air to steady himself and slowly let it out through his mouth.

“That’s just what I am going to do. Live as if nothing happened.” And he walked out of the kitchen. “But it’s not like I can just stop loving him.”

One of the house helpers walked into the kitchen and saw her sniffling as she was stirring the stew and asked what happened, she just said that it was the onions.

Jonghyun took more than twenty minutes. When he came back, Hyunae had to re-heat the stew.

Daegu
Now

He blinked absentmindedly as he starred off to the still built up fortress but not really seeing it. Was it a dream? It should be... right? He’s been having weird dreams lately, so that could be true. His hand robotically moved the mug of steaming coffee closer to his lips but he didn’t take a sip.

If it was really a dream, then all those things that he said... could they really be true? Did Jonghyun attempted to kill himself because Kibum didn’t want to listen to him, to trust him? What if he succeeded? What would Kibum feel? Would he care? Could he go back to who he was before all of these happened if Jonghyun passed away?

With the way that his pondering had gone to, he felt his heart clenching and breaking further and further.

Wait.

What if it really happened and Jonghyun drowned and the dream... was that Jonghyun saying goodbye to him?!

No.

It can’t be. No.

Just no.

He placed his mug on the coffee table and exhaled harshly. He closed his eyes and shook his head in hopes of clearing it. Besides, some say that dreams (or should that one be classified as a nightmare?) are the opposite of the real life.

Yes. That should be it.

No need to worry.

Yes.

He even saw him a few times before going to Daegu... so that theory couldn’t be real. However, that just moves Kibum back to square one! Not that he’d wish death upon someone —of course not. But did last night’s conversation really happen?

“Kibummie? Come over here and help your dear Halmoni with her things!” the old lady called from outside, waking said boy from his mental debate.

He jumped and turned his head to the direction of the door too fast that he heard something snap on his neck or something.

“Halmoni?” Kibum called back as he made his way out of the house. “It’s really you! I’m so glad you are back! It was so lonely by myself in here. Come on, I’ll take those bags.”

The duo walked in as they continued to catch up with each other, mostly Kibum’s grandmother doing the talking. Kibum finally had his mind out of those confusing thoughts as he listened to her tell about how they didn’t even feel the storm in Jeju even if it was reported to pass close there. But she had to excuse herself to respond to the call of her bladder. Kibum chuckled at that and went to look at the stuff that she bought for him.

“—is this?” he furrowed his eye brows in confusion and asked her to repeat her question again because he got distracted with a fancy wind chime. “I asked you why you left your night clothes on the bathroom counter. Weren’t you the one who always say that it should be placed in the hamper?”

The teenager placed the fancy trinket on the table and made his way to see what his grandmother was fussing about. When his eyes caught the said clothes and his brain registered the combination of the white v-neck shirt and red sweats the words from the old lady jumbled into a mess in the background. He had to steady himself by holding onto the wall for support.

“Kibummie? Kibummie, what’s wrong? You look pale. Are you okay?” she asked as she hastily placed the folded clothes on the nearest surface and moved to her grandson. “Kibummie, look at Halmoni. What’s wrong?”

Kibum whispered something, eyes still unfocused and cold sweat forming on his temples. When his grandmother placed a hand on his forearm, he snapped his head on her direction, eyes wide and somewhat looking panicked.

“I... sorry Halmoni a... friend stayed o-over last night... maybe that’s why...” he bit his lip and looked at the floor. “I’ll take them... the clothes...” he turned and grab the clothes from the counter, he was almost out of the hallway when he looked back at the old lady who was still standing on her spot with a slight frown. “ You better rest now Halmoni. I’ll help unpack later.” Then he dashed to his bedroom, locking the door as he went.

He barely reached the bed when tears started falling from his eyes. It wasn’t a dream after all. The blonde boy laid like a crumpled heap on his bed, mind going in circles as he clutched the clothes close to him. At some point, he was able to smell something familiar coming off of the white shirt and god he missed that candy shop scent. Even if it’s the faintest, it was still there.

And why was he crying? Didn’t he hate Jonghyun for... what exactly? He said he didn’t agree on the bet. And that night in the dance room... he said he was just drunk and that he missed Kibum too much and...he didn’t mean to force himself on him. Was it all true? Jonghyun said he could choose if he’ll believe it or not last night. He decided he wouldn’t, that he’ll just pretend that nothing happened, that Jonghyun didn’t appear in their gate, that they never had what he thought they had. So why is it so hard to do that now?

With that Kibum closed his eyes. Just this once, he said to himself, I’ll cry just this one last time then leave everything behind.

He saw Jonghyun in his mind’s eye, the obnoxious and playful and sweet and childish Jonghyun. He felt as if he’s dying. Or maybe it was just that one part of his heart that was dying. Who knows?

His life was playing behind his closed eyelids as if he was experiencing it all over again, but it was all Jonghyun that he could see. All those sweet smiles, childish pouts, goofy faces, puppy eyes, him being all awkward and shy, him blushing, him sleeping with his eyes half open, him trying to look serious, him being worried, him being jealous, and... and as if the film was cut at some point and it jumped to that day in the hospital, his eyes rimmed red, lips dry and chipped, looking disheveled and all, then in the dance room. Kibum wondered why it’s as if he forgot how Jonghyun looked drunk that night but that regret in his eyes was like written with permanent marker in his heart.

Then the film skipped again... to last night. Those broken smiles that didn’t reach his eyes, the dull —almost dead— look in his usually bright eyes, the hesitance, remorse, longing, grief, and maybe a thousand more others that he couldn’t see because Jonghyun was crying. And he didn’t do or say anything.

And he just let him go.

Maybe he’s angry with Kibum now.

That would be good, wouldn’t it? Because if he hates Kibum, then he wouldn’t want to see the younger anymore and that would be beneficial to Kibum too... right?

It should be because it would be easier to hate on someone than get hurt because of them.

Right?

- - -

It had been a few days after his grandmother came back from Jeju, a few days since Kibum tried to get everything “back to normal” but he was getting nowhere.

He was currently washing the dishes that they used for breakfast when it slipped from his hand and crashed to the floor, the third (or maybe fifth? He forgot actually) plate he broke during the past days. He sighed before getting rid of the suds on his hands and picking up the broken glass carefully.

“Kibummie, you know you can always talk to me. I already told you that didn’t I?” his grandmother said, concern evident on her tone. “How many plates do you still need to break before you break from all those pent up feelings?”

The younger wanted to tell her that he’s fine and make an excuse but he knew he could never lie to her so he just shrugged his shoulders and threw the shards away.

That afternoon Kibum decided to water the plants to get away from the watchful eyes of his grandmother. If he was in Seoul, he could have gone to Taemin’s or asked Sulli and Amber to go out but he still didn’t want to let them see him like this. He sighed for the umpteenth time and directed the sprinkler on the next pot. It had been long since he last talked to his friends. Maybe he’d call them later. He’d have to tell them anyways. When he was almost done, the doorbell rang and his heart got caught in his throat.

A sudden rush of déjà vu ran through his body as he hesitated on opening the gate. He warily peeked through the little gap and was surprised to see the male on the other side. He felt a slight relief and he opened the gate.

“What brought you here, Dongwoon?” he asked right away.

“Hello to you too Kibummie.” He chuckled and messed with the shorter male’s hair. “And to answer your question, I’ve got something to tell you.”

“You look serious... is everything okay back in Seoul?” Kibum asked warily, fear creeping up his spine. “Let’s go inside. Halmoni would love to see you.” he added, trying to lighten up the atmosphere when the other confirmed that it’s not what he thought about.

Once seated in the already familiar living room, Dongwoon looked at Kibum in the eyes, as if looking for something in them.

“He’s been here, hasn’t he?” he asked after a few more seconds.

“What are you talking about?”

“Jonghyun. You’ve talked to him, right?” he asked back.

“How... you were the one who told him where I am?!” Kibum had to bite his lip to keep him from shouting. How could he do that?! He promised that he won’t tell a soul, not even his parents! But he told Jonghyun!

“You had to talk to him, Kibum! And for the record, I just told him the you’re in Daegu! He’s been looking for you all over Daegu.” Dongwoon was almost shouting too.

 “Yes, Dongwoon, I’ve talked to him! Does that make you happy now?! He already told me that he almost killed himself because I refused to listen to him. He told me that he that there were times that he was too drunk to differentiate what is real from what isn’t. He cried in front of me and told me that he was sorry, but he didn’t even ask for forgiveness because he couldn’t even forgive himself!” tears started to stream down his cheeks when he remembered that he almost lost Jonghyun and it was just so painful that he had to say it out loud. It just made it all the more real. “Are you here so you can make me feel more guilty than what I am already feeling?! Or are you here to blame me for being inconsiderate of him?! I can’t just let him back in my life, Dongwoon! It’s been hard on me too!”

“Sshhhh. Kibummie, listen to me.” he reached out and wiped the tears from Kibum’s flushed cheeks. “I’m not blaming you, nor am I making you guilty. I just want to know if you are sure of what you are doing.” He says calmly this time.

“What do you mean? I’m not doing anything.”

“That’s exactly it, Kibummie.” The other said with a small encouraging smile despite the situation that they were in. “Are you sure that you’ll just gonna let him go? Forget about everything else that you shared with him?”

The dancer continued to look at him as if he was talking in a foreign language, Dongwoon would have laughed in another time that this happened. He sighed and run a hand through his hair.

“I know I’m not the right person to tell this to you. I don’t really like that dinosaur the first time I saw him. The more when I saw you that day in the park. But, Kibummie,” he took hold of Kibum’s right hand, tracing a fading scar. “Even if these wounds have already healed, there is still one that is so deep that can only mend when you admit your true feelings... at least to yourself. You don’t have to tell it to me or to anyone.”

“I still don’t get you.”

“Ah, Kibummie. Why are you making this so hard for me?”

“Then maybe you should stop using those mystifying metaphors. First you made me cry, now you’re talking like a monk in a temple. You are confusing me!” Kibum said as he pulled his hand from the other’s hold.

Dongwoon heaved another sigh before he started taking again, eyes watching Kibum intently. “You said Jonghyun already told you everything... and have you said anything to him?”

“I... I don’t know.  He said that I could choose if I would believe him or not so I didn’t say anything... and when I woke up the next day, he’s gone. I even thought everything was a dream.”

“Remind me to not get on your bad side okay? I don’t think I could suffer such a cold treatment. Anyway... how about him? Aside from confessing all his misdeeds, what else did he say?” Dongwoon asked eagerly, as if looking for something to prove another point that he is yet to talk about.

Kibum looked at him strangely again but complied nonetheless.

“Uhm, if I remember it correctly... he said that he wouldn’t bother me anymore after that night? That it was the last time? I think he said something like that.”

“And you said nothing in response?” Kibum nodded and Dongwoon couldn’t help the slight disappointment that crossed his features. “Then he might really do it after all.”

“Do what? And are you talking about Jonghyun?” and the next second, Kibum begun panicking, “He’s not gonna commit suicide again, right? He said he promised Minho! And he wouldn’t do that. He can’t do that!”

“Calm down! That’s not what I’m talking about. Breathe Kibum!”

“Can you just stop being cryptic then?! You’re making me nervous! Why are you—“

“He’s going overseas.”

“—telling me he’s going overseas.”

“I heard from Hyunae.” The other replied nonchalantly.

“You’re talking to her now? Are you... wait. WHAT?!”

“What’s so strange if I am talking to her? She’s a nice person. And, no, I don’t have any malicious intent in being friends with her.”

“No, no! Why is Jjong going overseas?”

“Who’s Jjong? Jonghyun?”

“Yes, yes. Now, answer my question! Why would he go out of the country?!”

“I’m not really sure why. But come to think about it, you runaway here to your grandmother’s house to think things through,” Dongwoon made air quotes for the last three words, “Maybe he’d also do that. Only in another country though.”

“Oh.”

“Well, I guess it’s just fair since you told him to not bother you anymore.”

Kibum looked at the other who seemed to be thinking deeply about their situation. He sighed and let his shoulders drop. “Yeah, I think so too.”

“That’s it? You’re just gonna sit here and not do anything?”

The dancer just replied with a soft dejected hum, eyes trained on the floor.

“Are you sure about this? Maybe you should actually talk to Jonghyun.”

“Like what you said, it’s just fair that he goes somewhere to get some peace of mind...”

“But that’s not what I mean...!”

“It’s okay Dongwoon. I guess I also need more time for myself and all the things that he told me.” he smiled a little before talking again. “At least, I’ll be okay when the school starts again after summer.”

“What if he won’t be here next school year?”

- - -

a/n: oh hi~ yeah, sorry again for the long wait (such an understatement. boo!) but i've been really busy with real life stuff tho, as what i said to those asking if i'm still continuing this.and i won't give out details but i hope you guys understand... well if people are still reading.

i won't be surprised if you forgot about the cliche plot already. so if you are confused about something, please don't hesitate to ask/comment/ send a private message. i'll try to explain to best of my ability.

also, i've been thinking of editing the past chapters, even if this one is not really edited either. that's because i kinda read trough some parts and uuuugh. my writing is awful. i started writing this years and years ago (and i'm just so much of a procrastinator to get done with it) and i think i improved somehow so i wanted to clean up a bit. At first i wanted to take the whole thing down, but i thought it would be unfair to the readers (if there still are?). so i decided that i'd just keep it here and edit and update. but if there are no more readers... then i might just hide it or something until i'm done with the editing. i'll still think about this part.

hope you enjoyed reading! until the next part!

Photo via imagekid.com [credit to the owner]