LEE DONGHAE

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Why is it that when I needed someone to talk to, the world seems to think otherwise? Why can't I call anyone?! I can’t get through Sungmin nor KiBum. Not even Kyuhyun.

Feeling angry at my useless phone, I threw it on the bed and slumped down on the floor as the tears cascaded down my face. Damn it. I am crying again. I looked up and glared as I saw my frame on a whole body mirror; my eyes are puffy, hair ruffled, clothes wrinkled and tears smearing my face. I look so pathetic and I hate myself for being like this just because---

Just because he kissed me.

Reaching out a shaking hand, I traced my lips with my forefinger and I can still feel his lips pressed again mine, his tongue invading my mouth and his ragged breathing hitting my face. I can still remember exactly how it felt like; how I completely submitted myself to that kiss; how I responded; how I poured my love for him in that chance of intimate contact. But then---

I---I'm sorry. I was just---I was---forget it. This never happened.

More tears fell as I also remembered how he brushed everything off; how he pushed me away a bit harshly; how I watched him as he wiped his lips with the sleeve of his shirt; how he sent me an apologetic eyes; how he walked away like nothing happened. How my heart shattered inside of me once again. How reality just slapped me in the face once again telling me that it is impossible; that we can't be together no matter what I do, no matter how close we get. It's shouting at me that I should have never entertained the possibility of him being mine, of me being in his heart because it just can't be. It is completely impossible. And even if I already knew the chances, I still try anyway.

And I hate myself for still hoping that maybe...just maybe.

I clenched the cloth covering my left chest and I can literally imagine my heart bleeding profusely right now.

"Stop it, Donghae. Stop thinking of maybe's and possibilities," I whispered to myself, still sitting on the floor.

"Stop hurting yourself," I continued and stood up, albeit a bit shakily, and moved towards the mirror, taking in my whole features and feeling disgusted with myself.

"You are better than this," I talked to my reflection and I know I would have looked like a crazy person but if no one can comfort me, it is better that I comfort myself, right? It is better this way.

"You deserve so much more," I said and wiped the remaining tears in my eyes.

"You are destined to be happy," I said and ran my hand to my messy hair, trying to make it at least a bit better.

"You are born to smile," and I tried to stretch the muscle of my lips and smiled even if it's a bit forced.

"You are the soul mate of someone special," I continued and raised a hand to touch the mirror, touching the reflection of my own face.

"And it is not Hyuk Jae," I spoke.

"Forget him. Forget what you feel about him, Donghae. You can do it. You must. Because if you erase him," my hands curled into knuckles and stared seriously at myself

"The feeling of hurt would go away with him."

**

I took a long bath after finally calming down. Dressing up casually, I grabbed my phone and the key to the hotel before I went out of my room. I locked up myself for quite some time and I am actually thankful for my companion for not disturbing me; at least he knows he needed to leave me alone. As I was passing by the living room, a heard a movement and looked back just to see HyukJae changing his lying to sitting position from the sofa.

“Hae, where are you going?” he asked.

I almost scoffed as I sensed some worry in his voice. Of course he’d be worried; I’m his cousin after all. Nonetheless, I smiled a bit before answering,

“I’m just getting coffee,” and continued walking towards the door.

“Wait. I’ll come---”

“I don’t want to,” I cut him off as I bent down and wearing my shoes. “I want to be left alone, HyukJae. I don’t want you to come,” I told him honestly, with my back facing him.

“Is---is this because of earlier? I said I was sorry, right? Are you still mad at me?” He spoke in a bit low tone. “Look, Donghae, I am sorry. I was just---”

“Shut up,” I muttered but he heard since he obviously complied and silenced himself.

“What?”

This time, I turn around, my face void of any emotion as I stepped towards him slowly; he’s already standing and was halfway across the room and he was staring back at me. When I reached his frozen frame, I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought our faces closer, only stopping when the tip of our nose touched, and I was standing a bit on my toes.

“Why are you sorry?” I whispered and stared intently into his eyes as I felt his arms wrapping around my waist but still, my poker face is shown.

“You said to forget about it. It never happened, remember?” I reminded him of the words he said.

“So shut up,” I ended before detaching myself from him and walked towards the door, only to be stopped, once again, by this annoying monkey.

“What now?” I almost growled as I yanked my hand free from his grip.

“I was thinking…this honeymoon. I think it’s better---I mean, I would suggest if we---” he was struggling with his words; hand on the back of his neck and his eyes avoiding mine. And I can clearly understand what he’s trying to portray.

“You want to cancel the honeymoon?” I asked anyway; speaking clearly and ignoring that pang I felt in my chest. I watched as his eyes landed on mine, apologetic and I hated it. I hated all of it. So before he can even answer I said,

“I was thinking the same thing.”

He didn’t spoke another word as I can tell he was studying my face, but I forbade myself to show any emotion. I will never be easy to be read by people again. If I need to learn how to act, then so be it. And so, after a few seconds, I smiled at him. I showed a forced smile.

“Just let me get my coffee and I’ll pack right away,” I ended as I went out of our room, and walked away. With every step I make, I can feel everything I’ve built with HyukJae crumble down, and I can visualize all the memories we made fading away. With every step I take, I can see myself getting over him, can see myself walking away, and can see myself not caring. I can see myself stopping to love him.

A wet substance dropped from my face and brought a hand to wipe it away.

I can see myself moving on, I repeated on my mind.

But why am I crying? I asked myself as more tears flow from my face that I leaned on a nearby wall because I was having hard time breathing before I calmed down my nerves and wiped away the tears.

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WHY DO I FIND WRITING DONGHAE's POV EASIER???

I AM SO BIASED... -_-

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