============

At the hospital

============

"Are you Mr. Kim?" the nurse asked me.

"Yes I am"

"will the doctor is ready to see you now "

" ok thank you "  and I walked to the doctor office .

I hate hospitals there so cold and scary and for some reason I think there full of death `shivering` (I really heat hospitals >//<) ,

"Welcome Mr.kim what can I do for you ?" he asked , I told him what was wrong , after that he The withdrawal some of MY precious bloodand told me to wait , couple of hours the result came back.

"Will Mr.kim we have some good news for you " he said smiling.

"Will what is it doctor ?" I was curios

"Will it seems like you are pregnant" my eyes went HUGE, pregnant what the hell

"what , come on doctor am a MAN men just don’t get pregnant " I thought he was crazy

He smiled and said  " will they usually don’t but, `god no but` it not impossible, there are some cases of male pregnancy documented in America and there one in Australia and three in France "

"so am .. Your telling me that am... I. "I really didn't know how to handle this

He chuckled " yes Mr. Kim you are indeed pregnant we call your case 'M-preg ' and you’re the first one here in Korea "

" oh great what an honor `ya right ` what should I do doc . I really don’t know what to do I …I mean a baby a freaking baby what the am goanna do with a baby ." `let just say that I was  having a major  freaking out `

"it ok Mr. Kim breath don’t worry Ill help you , here am goanna give you some vitamins and some med you need to take and don’t worry ill be with you every step of the way ok . here take this " and he gave me some paper said that am pregnant and some other meads  .

" I,, I don’t think I want I don’t think I can do this I can't have a baby am a baby myself "

" sorry mr.kim but it too late for an abortion so you goanna have to carry it "

"this I ,, what should I do than "

"like I said ill help you at every step of the way , trust me it all be over before you know it "`smiling`

I got up from the chair ready to leave the room and he said

"think of it as your own little miracle because it is , Will I guess I'll see you in 2 monthe take car Mr. Kim " `smiling `

"I `was confuse` I `sigh` thank you doctor ahh?"

''choi. Choi siwon "

"Will thank you doctor choi" and I left to go home.

That was the beast happy sad news I have never heard that men can have a baby  a freaking baby what the hell I was going to do , and it yunho's baby `yunho` .

I can't do this I can't have a baby what the hell am goanna do with a baby I can pearly take care of myself , aish this is so complicated .

I sat on my bed getting ready to sleep and I couldn’t help it , so I crossed my tummy gently and I start taking to the baby`call me crazy but I need it to do this`

" hi there little thing  , it me jae joong am 19 and I like spicy food ` aish what am I doing` I guess am your umma `neirvestly laughing` I want to say am sorry but I don’t think I can do this I don’t think I can give you what you want , `sob` I don’t think I can protect you `sob` I don’t know what to do `sob` am all alone no one to help me hell I don’t think I can help myself `sob` so baby am so , so sorry `sob` please don’t hate me ok , you my not believe me now but I always want a baby I want to say that i always dreamed of you , am goanna do what right by you , I hope you can underside me araso , am sorry baby umma is so sorry " I cried and I cried in tell I fell asleep .

A few months gone bay I had finally decided to put him up for a adoption the only thing I was so sure of is that I want him to have a better life than me , maybe someone out there will care for him better , will give him the life he deserve

I was at the doctor having my monthly check up and siwon said he'll give me an ultrasound

" siwon what an ultrasound?"

"it were you can see your baby and hear his heart beat " `smile` " would you like to see it maybe even know what his gender "

"umm no I don’t "

"are you sure "

" yes I am "

" ok if you say so .. so jae tell me I know it not my business but why don’t you wana know "

"because I m not goanna keep it the soon `sob` it born am goanna give it `sob` a way "

"why "

"because he disserve better "as I got up from the bed I  webbed me tears a way

"I  am sorry I didn’t mean to upset you " looking sadly at me

"it fain siwon I like to think that you’re a friend so it ok "

" will ill be right her when you need me araso "

"araso"

And he start to right something on some paper than said " her jae you need to take this ok you’re your 5 month pregnant now so you need to take extra care of yourself and your baby ok and you have to make sure that you take your med , take them in time ok " I nodded

"ok I understand "

"ok I guess see you in couple of month "

" thank you doctor " and I walked out

After my check up I decided to take a walk in the park I haven’t gone out in a while and I needed the fresh air.

So I sat on one of the char and watched some of the kids play , `I thought` kids are so adorable and there also some family lighting and playing the looked so happy I couldn’t help but to feel sorry for me

" my life look at me am pregnant guy , aka `a freak` am lonely `sob` and 'I'm fat `sob` I heat you yunho I heat you for making me fat ..`sob ` now am fat and crazy and I so  want to eat some ice-cream right now `sob`"  so I got up to the ice-cream stand and bought a con and start to eat it but suddenly I felt the baby kick in which took me by surprise but I couldn't help but to smile

" you like the ice-cream baby hhh you know that Am so sorry, am sorry that am fat and crazy and my life is so mess-up , if it was a different time different condition I would keep you , and I would love you so much that you'll begging me to stop and I wouldn’t leasing `sob` "  I sat on the char again hugging my tummy a little  " letting my tears fall

'' am sorry that I'll never know you I'm sure that you'll turn to be a great person `sob` it my lost that ill never know you believe me I want to but `sob` i can't , and am sorry that you'll never me or know who your parent are but believe me it for your own good , umma is sorry baby I can't let myself love you , and your appa have his own life to care for , I really don’t want you to be hurt by him ,

`sob` but I promise to make sure that you'll get the beast family ever .I'll make sure that you'll be happy and healthy and strong , ill make sure to get you the love that you deserve  And that’s a promise I will never break.” and I felt him kicking me a gain " hhh is that mean you understand hhh `I wiped my tears a way ` smart kicking me like that . aishhh  am such a cry baby aren't I hhh ok ill make a deal with you ok how about we spend the rest of our time together happy ok , `he kick me ` hhh  `I laugh` I guess that a yes " and we sat there watching the kids play the families being happy , and we ate our ice-cream

========

please comment

================

====== always * keep * the * faith ======