Yunho

“Dad, where are we going?” I asked my father when I was younger. I was about 10 years old. He was driving his car while I was beside him, just waiting for him to talk to me. It was night in December, we were on our way home and the road was so quiet. It looks as if everyone is with their family, celebrating Christmas. I guess only father was making a loud annoying noise at Christmas because he’s the only one who doesn’t feel any Christmas spirit.

Well, I did something wrong that made him so frustrated so I’ll have to blame myself for having this kind of Christmas. I had low grades then I got sick it made my grades even lower.

“I’m giving you a chance this time, Yunho. If you fail again, you know what I’ll do.” Father threatened me. Yeah, he’d beat me again. I knew that. That’s why I’m so afraid of my father. He can do anything. No one can stop him. He doesn’t have compassion. He only stops when he feels like it. Then he’ll leave me alone on the floor, like a lifeless body waiting for someone to pick him up and maybe revive him from death.

“Aren’t you even going to thank me?” I saw him grin. I just wanted to neglect him and get out of that car but I didn’t. I wonder why I didn’t. I could have been free if I did. If only I was confident enough to leave my father and get my mom and sister to leave with me then we could have a happier life.

Freedom.

“T-Thank you,Dad.” I said slowly to my father as I nod my head at him and looked out the glass window. Then someone called him on the phone. He started arguing on the phone so I guess that was one of his employee and they have another company problem. I had a feeling that he’d burst all his anger at me instead of the company the moment we’d get home. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Do whatever you can to save the company then.” Father said on the phone then he hung up and turned his phone off. I stared at him and imagined myself as an overworking father like him (not to mention, abusive), it was just beyond the bounds of possibility.

Father and I heard the sound of a truck screeching towards us. It was echoing. It was a bad sign.

“Dad!” I shouted. “Move!” I held tightly to the handle at the top of the car. I was daunted. 

Father rapidly spun the car but then the car flew off the road, down the bridge and into the water.

We were stuck in there. I was trying my best to keep on breathing so I could open the door and get out of that nightmare. When I turned my head beside me, my father was already elbowing the glass window. The window cracked slightly but it wasn’t breaking either. I thought that maybe I’d die in here. Even if I get out of the car, I won’t be able to get up there and resurface. 

“Dad!” I shouted under the water, bubbles coming out of my mouth. Father turned to me and then he was back to whatever he was doing. Sooner or later I’m going to black out, I thought. But before I did, I saw my father unlocked the door of the car as he hastily swim out to save himself and leave me behind.

‘Dad, don’t leave me’.

“Yunho, just give him a chance to be a father to you.” Mom begged me. It’s been four years since I last saw Jaejoong and two years since my mom divorced my father and brought me and my sister with her. Shortly, she fell in love and remarried with a half-Korean and German guy. She thought it would make me feel better that maybe I’d get over my real dad who happened to be the no.1 person on my hate list because of everything he’d done to me.

“Just leave me alone, mom.” I turned my back on her and stared on the wall full of my drawings. “I don’t have a father, and I don’t want to have a father.” I said in a low voice.

I know that it would hurt her, but I just had to say it. I have no idea why, but that was what I wanted to say. I was mad and I said those words. I don’t want a father because all fathers scare me. Even for one moment, I don’t ever want to have a father or to be with one. I wished that someone would be there for me to tell me that it would be okay, someone who would understand what I feel right now.

I hate my father. I hate all fathers. Seriously, how many times do I have to repeat that to her?

Two years ago when we arrived back to Germany after I graduated in high school, something horrible happened again. That’s how mom describes him. Horrible and Evil. She doesn’t stop saying those words, and telling all people she’s close with that her husband is the most evil and horrible person in the world. I can’t blame her. She’d seen everything stupid and disgraceful act that father did.

When Father did everything to make me drive a car and learn to run his company and I refused to do so, he didn’t think twice about hurting me. He tried to teach me how to drive a car, but no matter what he did, I couldn’t make it right. In fact, I was driving like a snail or a turtle. Father hated that.

“Drive faster!” He’d shout at me.

It wasn’t that easy to drive when you have a trauma about it. Driving a car makes me remember that traumatic incident that could have killed me if only the rescuers didn’t come to rescue my life. So… It was hard. It frightens me to death. Even though I practiced for one day, we always end up going back to the first step over and over again. Father said I was a weakling. I knew deep inside me that I can defend myself from him, I can fight with him, but I didn’t do that. I always told myself that ‘He’s still my father’.

I apologized to him countless of times, I gave him a chance to be a father to me a lot of times and I waited for him to also apologize for everything he had done to me several times. I guess I gave up on him.

“You’re a weakling! You’re not my son at all. I don’t have a weak son like you!” His loud uproar was echoing in the room. I could hear my mom crying and pleading him to stop. Father didn’t stop with his monstrous weapon: a long metal stick. Ever since I came back to this nightmarish place, I’ve been having countless beat-ups by no other than my own father.

“Please stop,” I finally spoke in a pleading tone, but father showed no mercy. “Dad…” I was always weak when it comes to him. Although I know how to fight, it’s just different when it comes to my own father. I lose all my energy and my strength. I become a coward.

“Coward. Stupid. Weak. What a pity.” That’s what he always says about me. 

Mom made up her mind after what happened back then. She was just… full of it.

I shook my head, trying not to remember that again. It’s only making me have a headache. Sometimes, I’m just unable to stop my mind from thinking about reality nightmares. I sighed.

“Fine,” Mom gave up. “Then, just be ready on Sunday. We’re going back to Seoul.” Then she left me in my room. I stared back at my simple sketches of nature that I glued on the wall. They were everywhere. I gazed down at my other sketches of Kim Jaejoong which was on top of my drawer. I’m not even sure anymore if the sketch I made looks exactly like him since I haven’t seen him for how many years. We haven’t even contacted each other. Mom took my phone before leaving Seoul so I didn’t have a chance to call him.

“Kim Jaejoong, wait for me. I’m going back. I can’t wait to see you.” I smiled to myself and once again recalled the last moment I spent with him. When I saw him sleeping under the shade of a huge tree, I smiled and kept on gazing at his beautiful face. Slowly, I caressed his pink white cheeks with the back of my hand. I whispered in a soft tone, “Goodbye, Jae.”  I wanted to kiss him too, but I didn’t. I thought about it carefully and when I finally made up my mind, I followed my mom and sister home.

I took a piece of paper and a pen. There, I wrote a letter for Jaejoong. I closed my eyes and concentrated about my feelings for him. Even if he has a girlfriend, I thought that maybe the two of us have a chance to be together. I know it’s ridiculous because we’re both guys, but I know what I feel for him. I love him, and I will never stop loving him. It’s not lust, I know it is love. Shortly I finished writing a letter for him and went in front of their house to give the letter.

I should have told him in personal, but I wasn’t brave enough to do it.

I wonder if he even read my letter for him. I wonder if he even went to the airport to think of stopping me just like what I said in the letter. I wonder if he shed tears when I left. I wonder if he never stopped loving me the way I do to him.

* * *

A week later we prepared for our flight back to Seoul. It felt like an hour when it’s actually been a day. When we arrived, we went to our old house back then. The first thing I did was take a look at Jaejoong’s old house. My heart started to pound again, so fast yet it made me feel lighthearted.

I ring the doorbell once, twice and then thrice.

“Young man, who are you looking for?” An old woman asked behind me. I immediately looked at her with a smile on my face.

“Hum, I was just wondering where the Kim family are? No one’s opening the door.” I replied.

“Oh, do you know them?” I nod my head. “Well, they moved away a year ago.” The old woman said.

“Moved?” Not now. Please tell me you know where the heck they moved. “Where?”

I was disappointed when the old woman said that she doesn’t know, but I didn’t show that I was. I just hurried home and thought about any idea of how I can find Jaejoong. I know that looking for him is not really a good idea after what had happened before. I don’t even know if he’s going to be happy if he sees me. Well, he will, then we can talk, and then I’ll tell him I still love him. Afterwards, I’ll wait for his answer.

“Guess what?” Suddenly, my sister barged in my room. I was startled.

“What?” I asked, annoyed.

“I found a perfect college university for you.” She said, delighted.

“What? I didn’t tell you to find me a college university or something. I can find one on my own. It might even take a month.” I demanded. “I don’t want to go that university you’re talking about.”

“Why not? They have literature course there. It’s going to be perfect for you. Don’t you like literature? This university is one of the best universities in Seoul. It’s the best private school! You’re going to love it there. Mom said I should go there too if only I’m a college student, but I’m already a college graduate. Yunho, why not try?”

“I never said that I want to be a literature student, you were the only one suggesting that for me. I told you I want to be an astronomer.” I sighed. “If I’m going to college, it’s going to be somewhere where I can possibly become what I want.”

“Well, what if I tell you that Kim Jaejoong is also studying in that school as a literature student?” She teased with a smile. I stared at her for a moment. If Kim Jaejoong really studies there, then I’d be the happiest man in the world who can’t help gazing at Jaejoong’s beautiful face again. “Jaejoong is your best friend, right? He’s your only best friend. Don’t you miss him?” She winked an eye. “Think of it, little brother. You can finally reunite with your best friend.” With a chuckle, she left my room and closed the door.

“Kim Jaejoong?” I smiled.

* * *

When I arrived in the university, I looked around and had the same feeling back when I was also a transferee in high school. I thought about the time when Jaejoong was assigned to give me a tour. If this time is going to be the same, then we must be destined.

I walked around the school before going in to meet the university’s dean. Today, I officially gave up my dream to become an astronaut. From now on, I’ll be a literature student. At least I don’t have an undecided major.

For a while, I sat under a big peach tree and pulled out my sketch notebook and pencil from my bag. I closed my eyes to try to keep my focus on the scenery in front of me. I’m not the best artist, but I always try my best to give every sketch I make have real emotions. All this time, I’ve been doing this with determination while thinking about Jaejoong. Jaejoong, he’s my first love.

Although I met a lot of girls before, I’ve never really felt something like this before. The feeling when you’re with him, you can’t stop smiling to yourself and your heart keeps on pounding perfectly. The feeling that you can’t stop although you want to because you know that love can only hurt you. The feeling when you don’t even care if you have the same gender or not as long as you love him, that’s it. The feeling when you can’t control yourself from loving him when a cupid’s bow hits you. The feeling when you just can’t stop thinking about him and the scenery on your mind is always him. 

I looked down at my sketch notebook again and then closed it. I couldn’t concentrate. I was too excited to finally meet Kim Jaejoong; I didn’t even notice the bell rang already.

“So, you’re here.” Someone said when I stood up from the grass. “Hello, new student. The dean told me to find an unfamiliar man in the campus. He’s punishing me for being late, so I’ll be your guide for today.”

“Oh,” so it’s not Jae. “Okay,” I said sadly.

“You’re not German right?” The student who was assigned to bring me to our room suddenly asked as we were walking in the hallway. He looked charismatic and a gentleman. I see why he’s a heartthrob in this school, every girl we passed by seemed to be attracted to him. I began to ponder if he once caught Jaejoong’s eye. I shook my head. “So why did you come from Germany?” That’s a stupid question.

“We lived in Germany.” I answered sarcastically.

He laughed. “Oh come on don’t be sarcastic.”

“I’m… not being sarcastic.” I looked at him. “We lived there because my father’s company was there.” Speaking of ‘father’, I should never mention him ever again. I shut my mouth and changed the topic. “So, you’re a literature student too?”

“Yep, I’m Park Yoochun anyway. I guess we can be friends. You’re Jung Yunho, am I right?” He said.

I nodded my head. “By the way, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure, go on.”

“Do you know someone by the name ---” I stopped what I was about to say when we heard a bunch of students cheering and shouting inside a room. Yoochun looked at me and just chortled.

“I guess they started it already.” He said as he walked next to the door.

“Start what?”

“Jae’s officially courting my sister. Her name’s Yoora.”

Oh. Wait- What? I looked back at Yoochun who is now staring at something or someone. He was leaning against the door and listening to this someone singing a song and playing guitar. Yoochun smiled as he was watching the touching scene they all thought was. I took a step forward, but slowly so that I could see what was happening and who was courting who.

“Did you just say Jae?” I asked in a low and curious voice.

“Kim Jaejoong.” When Yoochun said Jaejoong’s name, my eyes grew wide in disbelief. My heart began lashing. I was aghast. Yoochun jerked his head at me and signaled me to watch the two lovebirds and that one man courting a girl. That man who happens to be Kim Jaejoong.

No way. Maybe they just have the same name. I thought. I quickly proceed inside the classroom and finally saw him.

It really is Kim Jaejoong. I said on my mind, stunned on my spot.

After the last strum of guitar, the room was filled with awes and loud applauses. Jaejoong smiled and signaled everyone to keep silent. “Yoora,” he called the girl that was standing in front of him. She is beautiful. I suddenly remembered when Jae introduced me Aya. But I thought to myself, this can’t be real. None of this should be real. Years ago, when Jae told me that Aya is his girlfriend, I didn’t even believe it. Now, it’s Yoora. This is just so impossible. Unless Jae completely moved on, and I’m the only one who still keeps on loving him. Or maybe this is Karma.

“J-Jae,” Yoora was stuttering, but she was obviously dying to jump with joy. I know it.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” Jae asked her. I looked at him. I couldn’t believe him.

For a moment, I was out of my mind. As if Jae and I were the only people in the world.

“They make a perfect couple.” I heard someone said and then I stared back to Jae. I searched his eyes and he did the same to mine. We just stared at each other without words. Yoora was now squealing and kept on saying ‘yes’ to him over and over again. Jae looked at her for a second until Yoora hugged her so tightly.

“Oh My God. I can’t believe it. You’re so romantic!” Yoora squealed, still hugging him.

Jae smiled and turned his eyes on me again. He just… looked delighted. Is he delighted to see me again? Or is he just happy that he’s got a new girlfriend and that he’s totally over with me?

Is this the bottom line?