Yunho

All I could say was “I’m sorry.” I couldn’t think of anything else. “Look, I am really sorry Jae; I really love you but only as a friend.” I said in a whisper. I walked out the room, leaving him behind, still couldn’t believe what I just heard. I stopped in a drinking faucet. I washed my face thinking that it was just a very bad dream. “No. No. NO!”

*  *  *

“Hey! Good morning!” I said to Jaejoong with a big smile. He looked at me and made a faint smile and then walked away going to the classroom.

“Good morning Yunho!” said Tara with a big, happy smile. “Did you and Jae have a fight?”

“Uhmm… Yeah, it’s just a misunderstanding.” I said to her managing a faint smile again. “Good morning by the way.” I said more lively. “Where would you want to go after school today?”

“I’d like to go in a bookstore. I’d like to buy that book we looked at last week.”

“Ok.” I said with a smile.

The bell rang and we went to the classroom quickly. When the teacher arrived, we took our seat and I couldn’t help myself glancing towards Jae. He keeps on looking in the window with a blank expression. I guess he is thinking of something so deep, I’d like to know what it is.

After we ate our lunch, I went to the library to look for Jae there but I couldn’t find him so I went to search for him in different places in the campus. After looking for almost twenty minutes, at last I found him. He was reading a book under a tree in the school garden. I stared at him for a long time. I didn’t know why I looked for him. I just felt like I needed to see him that time. He was like an angel inside a paradise. Jae turned his head and saw me. He looked at me with a blank expression and stood up. He walked away and never looked at me for the rest of the day.

*   *   *

Three weeks have passed and Jae still didn’t want to talk to me. I just wanted us to be normal again. I want us to be friends again. After class, I planned to talk to him but suddenly Tara walked up in front of me and said “Hey, where are you going? I thought we’re going to go home together today?”

“Uhmm… Yeah but not now I guess. I need to talk to Jae now.”

“Oh! Okay. Fine with me,” she said, still smiling. I gave her a smile and hurried to catch Jae before he could go home.

I searched the school again just to find Jae. I couldn’t find him anywhere until I remembered that tree in the garden where he usually spends his vacant time. I went there running and I was so relieved that I found him there. I was just about to walk up to him when a girl approached him. I stopped and just watched them. They were just talking and laughing but why is that I feel something inside me? ‘Why do I feel pain?’ this question kept on running in my mind.

I ran and went straight home. I locked myself in my room and thought of Jae’s smile when he was with that girl. ‘Who is she? Why does she seem to be close with Jae?’ My mind blew out when Mom knocked on the door. “It’s time to eat. I cooked your favorite food today.” She said. I could see her smiling in my mind. I don’t want to upset Mom so I went down to eat even though I am not hungry.

“You seem lonely these past few weeks. What happened? Got a fight with your girlfriend?” She asked curiously.

“No mom. I just got a misunderstanding with Jae.” I said with a faint smile. My sister seems interested with it and asked me more about it. “So…” she said slowly. “What is this misunderstanding about?”

“He said something and I rejected it. I tried to approach him many times but he seems to be angry with me. I understand it but he didn’t even talk to me for three weeks! Where’s the justice?”

“You seem to be really disturbed about that.” She said.

“No I’m not! I just can’t believe that he can ignore me for more than a week!”

“Hmmm… Really?” She said in a mocking tone and face.

“Uh-huh!” I said in a mocking voice too.

After dinner I went back to my room and just lay in my bed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the girl with Jae that time. Who is that girl with him? Maybe someone he met during a party in her mother’s company or what but I couldn’t stop thinking of his smile. It was so gentle just like before. ‘Wait! What am I thinking about? I should just call Tara and chat with her. Yeah. That is a good idea.’

The phone is not ringing then I remembered that she and her family have an outing today at dinner. They are going somewhere near the beach because it’s weekend. “Sigh, why is it so depressing today?” then I drifted to sleep. I felt so dizzy after what happened today and what I was thinking all night.

When I woke up the next morning I said, “Ah! My head is hurting!” I rise up from my bed and walked to the kitchen. My head is really hurting. My mother welcomed me with a smile and said “Good morning son. How’s your sleep? You overslept you know?”

“Oh! I didn’t realize that. I haven’t seen the clock yet.” I said while glancing at the clock on the wall. “What’s for breakfast and where is Noona?”

“I cooked some eggs and bacon. Your sister went out early for a conference.”

“Oh. Do we have a medicine for headache? I have a severe one here.”

“Yes, I think I have one here on the medicine box.”

I smiled at her and ate my breakfast. My phone rang and I checked who is calling, it was Tara. I excused myself from the table and went to my room before I picked up the line. “Hello Tara.” I said with a smile on my face. “I was calling you last night but couldn’t reach you.”

“Uhmm… I turned my phone off because it was too loud around here and I was having a great time here. So, why did you call last night?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to hear your voice last night.”

“Oh! How sweet! Talk to you later okay? I need to get back now. I love you!”

She cut the line off without letting me say goodbye. I went back to the dining room and finished my breakfast. I took my medicine and lay back to bed. I drifted back to sleep and woke up in the afternoon. I took a shower before taking a walk outside. I went to the park and stopped in front of the swing. It was the swing which I used to sit with Jae. Where we would just talk about many things, our future, our dreams and many more. I missed those times when we just kept on talking and not minding how much time had passed.

I kept on walking and didn’t realize I was in front of Jae’s house. As always, the garden is really grand and beautiful. I saw Jae having tea and reading a book. He never changed, always reading a book whenever he feels like it. I suddenly want to be near him. After a moment of me staring at Jae, I noticed someone approaching him. It’s that girl again. Why does she always get close to Jae? Then Jae’s mother joined them in the table and chatted. Jae was just looking at his mother and that strange girl. He just kept on smiling. I forced myself to back off and walked away from them. I couldn’t bear looking at them together.

I went straight home after I went to Jae’s. I was greeted by my mom but I ignored her.  I went to my room and lay down. I was staring at the ceiling and didn’t think of anything. Suddenly, my phone rang. I was shocked and picked up my phone without seeing who the caller is. “Yes?” I said. There was a silence on the other line and I was shocked when I saw the caller on the screen. “Hello? Jae?”

“Uhh… Did I interrupt you?” He asked.

“No, I was just daydreaming. How are you?” I couldn’t stop wondering why he called.

“I’m okay. I’m the one who is supposed to be asking you that.” He said.

“What do you mean by that? Oh well, why you called anyway. I thought you were angry with me.” Oops! I slip my tongue.  Gosh, I couldn’t stop myself.

There was a long silence on the other line then he spoke, “No, I am not angry with you. It was your choice and I think you are right.” There was silence again, and then he spoke, “I called because there is something I should return to you. I saw it while I was arranging my room. I’ll just leave it outside your house.”

“Wait, where are you?”

“I’m in front of your gate. Don’t worry, I’ll leave immediately.” He said and cut the line.

I hurried downstairs and went outside. It was cold and I was just wearing my undershirt. I looked for Jae but he wasn’t there anymore then I found the baseball cap I bought him for his birthday. It was signed by our favorite baseball player. I felt sad about it. I thought that maybe he doesn’t want us to be friends anymore. That maybe he wants us to be apart. ‘He might have been so hurt of what I said to him,’ I thought. I didn’t intend to offend or hurt him but to hear what he had said, of course anyone would react the way I did!

I entered the house again and from the way mom looked at me, she knows who it was. “What happened outside?” She asked. “It’s nothing mom. Jae just returned this cap to me. I’m going to my room. Call me if it’s time to eat or if you need anything.” I said with a smile. Mom looked at me and nodded. “Okay.”

When I barged in my room, my tears suddenly fell. I couldn’t stop my tears that kept on falling hard. When I calmed down, I checked my phone and dialed Jae’s number. It just rang and rang until it went off then a voicemail came. “Jae,” I said. “Why did you return this to me? It was my gift right? Why won’t you answer your phone? Talk to me please. This won’t help us to regain our friendship again.”

After minutes of calling Jae, Tara called me. It rang and I just let it go on. I wasn’t feeling like talking to anyone right now. I want to be alone.

When I couldn’t take the noisy ringtone of my own phone, I removed the battery from the phone and stayed on bed. While lying down I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning shivering. It was so cold but I didn’t remember turning on the air conditioner. Mom entered the room. “Oh, so you’re awake. I’m glad. You didn’t eat up last night so I brought you some breakfast. Here, a congee. This will help you get well. You had a high fever so I didn’t wake you up.” She is smiling.

Mom let me get some rest so I will get better. While I was asleep, I dreamt of my father. I remembered that very moment when he pointed his gun at me when he was angry because I was to be expelled from my school in Germany. I was really scared at him and then my mom protected me. My father loves her so much so he gave up and let me live. I don’t want to be with him anymore and that is when my mom decided to move here in her birthplace, away from my brutal father.

I woke up at lunch. The air conditioner was on but I was sweating like hell. Mom entered the room with a face towel and a bucket of water and noticed that I was sweating. “What happened, Yunho?” She asked. She looked at me worrying.

“Nothing mom, I just had a bad dream.” I said, smiling.

“Okay.” She said in relief. “Jaejoong is here. He said he couldn’t contact you last night so he went here and I said you have a fever. Should I let him in?”

I didn’t expect him to be here. “Yes mom. Let him in.” I am so happy but why?

“Hey Yunho, how are you feeling? I couldn’t contact you last night so I went here to explain.”

“Oh, Ha-ha. I’m doing great, thanks.” I said. I couldn’t think of something else but to laugh.

“Why are you sweating a lot?” So, he noticed.

“I was just having a bad dream.”

“What kind of dream? Is it about your father again?”

“It’s nothing. You don’t need to worry about it.” He is really forceful sometimes. “Yes, it’s about him. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I hate him so much but he is still my father. Why do I have to be his son? What did I do to disappoint him ever since I was a child?” I was crying now. I couldn’t help it. These are the things that I can’t say to my girlfriend, to Tara. I only have the courage to say this to Jaejoong.

“It’s going to be alright. He is not here anymore. He is very far away from you.” He said while hugging me. I hugged him back. It was warm in his arms. It always comforts me when he is on my side during these times.

He pulled out first. He checked my forehead for my temperature and he felt that I was hot. “You should get some rest.” He suggested. He stood up and attempted to go on the door but I stopped him.

“Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

He hesitated but said “Yes.”

“Jae…”

I reached for his hand while lying on my bed, my vision going blurry but I tried my best to feel okay. I had no idea why, but at that very moment, I wanted to him beside me. I wanted him to stay because I feel as if he’s the only one that can make me feel better.

Jae held my hand and sat on the edge of my bed. I closed my eyes as I breathed heavily.

“Jae…” I kept on calling his name, but he wasn’t answering. When I opened my eyes to see what he’s up to, I found him gazing down at me. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Yunho, just forget about what I said to you. Just forget that I confessed to you and think that it never really happened. Okay?” He said.

Why not? I wanted to ask him of that, but I changed my mind. Instead of saying something, I just nodded my head in agreement. Half of me didn’t want to forget about his confession, and yet the other half wants to forget about it and be friends with him again. The problem is I don’t understand myself or why I feel this way about him.

“So… We’re friends again?” I said. I was about to cry without knowing the main reason but I kept on holding back my tears.

 It would be good to be friends with Jae again and get back to the old times. I missed Jae so much, I’ve been thinking so much about him. I’ve been watching him from a distance. I’ve been hurting every time I see him with a girl. I was surprised when he confessed to me. I’ve been forcing myself to think of Tara instead of him. It wasn’t easy. And I’ve been thinking that maybe, I miss him because there’s a big reason that no one would ever believe even me.

Yes, I can’t believe it. I can’t even say it.

One moment I was staring at Jae without words, and then the next thing was I was lying on my bed with someone like Snow White beside me, hugging me face to face.

I stared at Jae’s face in a brief moment. I couldn’t help but be mesmerized of his beauty. He looked like a goddess sleeping with me, I felt lucky somehow. Even as he sleeps, he’s gorgeous. Jae is just my best friend, I thought. There’s nothing romantic about this.

This is romantic. Indeed. Gazing at him like this, holding his soft female-like hands and praising him over and over again… This is all so romantic, I thought.

I touched Jae’s pink and smooth cheeks and then smiled uncontrollably.

“Why are you so beautiful, Jae?” I asked barely a whisper. I was then startled when he opened his eyes and yawned.

“You’re awake.” He said as he sat up and covered himself against the sun. “Sorry, I fell asleep too.” Slowly, he jumped out of my bed and put on his jacket.

“It’s okay,” I said.

“My Mom should be looking for me now. I need to go home.” He said fast without looking at me and walked out of my room.

I sighed and sat up on my bed. I was still sick. I could feel my body being lazy. I went back to bed. I just wanted to stay there, and wait for the right time to get better. Sometimes I thought if I’m ever going to be okay or not. Then I remembered when I was with Jae. That moment I felt warmth, I felt safe. I felt perfectly fine. I felt like I was in heaven. I felt as if I’m not sick at all. I pondered why it’s always like that when it comes to Jae. What is it that he has? Why does he make me so happy and yet so sad at the same time? Why does it have to be Jae, the one person who makes my heart and mind confuse? Why Jae of all people?

* * *

Time by time, Mom would check me in my room if I was getting any better. My sister would do same thing but most of the time, she doesn’t really care. She’s only pretending to care because Mom would hate her if she wouldn’t.

I remember back in Germany. Every time my father beats me up, my sister would just watch me begging father to stop. There was not one moment when she showed me she cares for me besides when Mom tells her to do so.

Mom told me once that she loves my father even though he’s a perfectionist. But when father went too much, she realized she was wrong. She’d say that she regrets she married my father. Just like all mothers, she’d add, ‘Still, I’m lucky I married him because if I hadn’t done that with him, I wouldn’t have you and your sister. The two of you are the most precious people I’ve ever had.’

“Feeling better, Yunho?” Mom went inside my room again. This is probably the fifth time in an hour that she went into my room to come figure out if I was feeling any better. Somehow, I was proud that I had a mother like her.

“Mmm,” that was all that I could say. Dry lips. Dry throat and I was speechless.

“Do you want me to get you something?”

“Is Jae here?” I asked. Quickly, I went back to my sense only to realize what I just said. I didn’t even mean to say that. I shouldn’t be looking for Jae, but I am! I am always looking for him!

“Your girlfriend is here.” Mom winked an eye at me, to try to cheer me up. When she mentioned the word ‘girlfriend’, the first image that came to my mind was ‘Jaejoong’.

“Really? Jae is here?” I tried to talk even with my ugliest and hoarse voice.

“Jaejoong is not your girlfriend, sweetie.” Oh right. I shook my head.

“Oh, right. So, you mean, Tara is here?”

“Yes. She is.”

“But I want Jaejoong.” Oh great. This happens to me every time I’m tired and obviously not feeling well. I become so honest.

“Huh? That Jae already went here yesterday. And he is not your girlfriend, he’s your best friend and he’s a guy. I repeat. He’s a guy. Sweetie, are you sure you’re feeling okay because you don’t sound okay?” Mom said as she placed her palm on my forehead. “Would you like to go to the Hospital?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.” No, I’m not really fine. I shut my eyes close and cover my whole body with my thick white blanket. “I don’t want to see Tara right now.”

“But she’s your girlfriend!” Mom exclaimed.

“Just make her come back another day.”

Sometimes, Mom is so much alike with Jae. They would never give up until they get super tired. Thank God, Mom gave up on forcing me to talk to Tara and I felt relieved.

I know, I know. She’s my girlfriend, my first serious girlfriend (although I had a few before, but girls that I don’t really have any feelings for).  I thought she’s amazing and beautiful but as I get to know more about her, I realized that there’s something more about her that I wouldn’t really like about a certain girl.

At night, I decided to sneak out. Luckily, I wasn’t caught. I was wearing my thick blue jacket while walking outside. I’ve been dying to go out and check Jaejoong’s whereabouts and whatever he is doing at the moment. I felt like a stalker, but I couldn’t help but wonder what he’s up to.

I stood outside their house, like a statue.

I thought that maybe he’s packing all the things I gave to him before so that tomorrow he could return it to me. I hope not. I’d get very sick if he did that.

“Jae, wait!” a girl shouted cheerfully. That girl again! Am I jealous? Of course not, right?

“Aya!” The moment I heard Jae’s voice, I hid myself behind a tree and listened to their conversation. Jae was calling the girl Aya. I could hear them laughing at the same time as Aya asked Jae to give ‘that’ something to his mother.

“Sure, I’ll give it to her.” Jae said.

“Oh thank you, Jae! You’re the best! I love you!”

I felt my heart break into pieces. So, am I really jealous? Maybe, I’m just jealous because he’s my best friend. It can’t be more than that right?

I decided to take a peek. Aya and Jae were hugging each other. I just watched them going on like that until Aya bade goodbye and left Jae after kissing him on his cheeks.

Is Aya his girlfriend?

I looked down and thought of the possibility that maybe this is my karma for rejecting Jae. I deserved to be treated like this, right?

Why am I so hurt? Why do I feel like this?

All of the sudden, I felt dizzy. I tried to keep my balance, but it was hard.

I fell on the ground with a loud thud.  Everything went black.