Jaejoong

I felt the breeze touch my skin as Aya walked away. I looked down at the box of chocolates she bought especially for Mom. “She never really changed,” I’ve known Aya for as long as I can remember and not one bit did she change. She’s still the sweetest and thoughtful girl I’ve ever met. She’s the best cousin I’ve ever had.

I was startled when I heard something. I looked around to see what it was, but found nothing. I put the chocolate box on my pocket because I couldn’t help my curiosity rising up. I just had a feeling that for sure, I saw someone fall on the ground at the corner of my eye.

I paused when I saw a familiar man lying on the ground.

“Yunho?”

* * *

It was a moment that I would never forget. It was the first time that I become so worried about Yunho like this. I watched Yunho being carried away on the stretcher and I was following behind, crying. I have no idea why Yunho was outside my house or why he was lying on the ground unconscious. The doctor asked me what happened, but I could only whimper that Yunho must be saved.

“He’s going to be fine, right? He’s not going to die right?” I exaggerated as tears rolled down my cheeks nonstop. I was that worried of him. If only I visited him today, I could have checked him out and stop him from wandering outside alone. This wouldn’t happen to him. If only I was confident enough to be beside him after what happened last night. If only I wasn’t stupid to confess my true feelings about him, I could have been there watching over him as a best friend. Ever since I confessed and got rejected, I always felt odd and unconventional being around him. It wasn’t the same anymore.

But I have to be there for him. I’m his best friend.

“Don’t worry. He’s going to be fine. He is just stressed.” The doctor would say, pat my back and put a smile on his face. It wasn’t making me feel any better either. Especially when I went into Yunho’s room and found him unconscious on a hospital bed. He was so pale. “You’re saying he is just stressed? Why would he be?” I start to ask the doctor, raising an eyebrow at him as if I could not believe that Yunho is just stressed because the look on his face doesn’t say so. “What if he is infected by something? You’ve got to check!” I demanded to the doctor, loudly.

“What kind of infection are you talking about? He’s fine.”

“What about HIV? What if he’s infected of that? I’m really going to kill you if he collapses again!”

“Relax, Mr. Kim. He’s fine. He just needs some rest.”

He’s fine. Fine! FINE! The doctor keeps on saying that word. It’s annoying. I’m supposed to be crying right now, but instead I’m getting mad. I really don’t trust doctors, and I believe Yunho doesn’t trust them either. He told me part of his past before, a reason why he hated being in hospitals and why doctors are just big fat liars for him. I owe Yunho an apology when he wakes up. Why did I bring him to a hospital in the first place? What if he leaves the next morning, angry at me? What if I make him remember of the past? What if he complains that he’s fine just as the doctor says and discharges him from the hospital?

What if his girlfriend finds out he’s here? What if I see them together again, doing all that lovey-dovey moments?

“Come on, you have to help me, Aya. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that when Yunho wakes up, he sees me, and then he would suddenly look sad because I brought him in this hospital. You have no idea that every time I bring him in here, I end up signing as his guardian.” I said to Aya on the phone.

“Who cares Jae? He’s just your best friend. It’s not like he’s your only one best friend, right?” Aya said in a mocking tone.

“Well, in fact, yes.” I said. “He’s my one and only best friend. I need you to protect me from his anger. Please? Just don’t let him get mad of me and shout at me because it’ll break my heart.”

“Ha-ha. Funny, Jae. Why? Do you like him?”

“No way! He’s just my best friend! I’m a guy, okay?”

But the truth is, I’m a liar. Maybe I look like a guy, and act like a guy, but my heart is not for a girl. Geez, when am I going to tell them about my achy stupid heart that is crazy in love with my sadistic best friend?

I hung up the phone and put it back on my pocket. I turned my gaze to Yunho who’s still sleeping peacefully. Despite the fact that I think the doctor’s been lying about Yunho’s condition, I still know deep inside me that doctors wouldn’t lie about their patient. I probably acted like I didn’t believe because of what happened before when Yunho and I weren’t that close yet. Yunho lost his consciousness at school and the ambulance came rushing for him. I found out he had bruises all over his body and Doctor said he’s okay when he’s actually not okay. 

I mean, who would be okay when you’re whole body is swollen and wounded all because your father beats you up just because of one single mistake?

I sighed as I remember my own father too. Somehow, I felt lucky I didn’t have a father. I know, not all fathers are the same like Yunho’s abusive father who doesn’t even listen to his own son’s plead and sorrowful cries. Yunho was just unlucky to have a father like that.

“Where am I?” I almost fell from my seat when I heard Yunho asked. I looked at him with wide eyes and began stuttering words.

“Y-you’re in t-the h-hospital! Hospital! I’m so sorry!” I hastily bowed my head before him. I expected him to complain or scold me. He told me before that he dislikes hospitals. He dislikes its smell, its all-white place, the sick people he pities so much and the times he spent in the hospital while suffering from his bruises like an enslaved puppy. “You probably don’t want to see me right now. Sorry. I should call Tara to come here. I know she’ll make you feel better.” I rose, but then he grabbed a hold of my wrist.

“Don’t leave.” He whispered.

I met his gaze and saw him flash a sweet smile on his face. Oh my God, did he just smile?

“W-Why?” I stammered.

“Because I miss you.”

“W-What?” I couldn’t believe it.

I stayed with him for more than half an hour. I waited for Aya to come. I’ve been dying to see my cousin because I’m super nervous being with a sick and weird Yunho. I’m concerned about him, but I kept on stopping myself. I should. I don’t want to. It’s making me fall for him, like head over heels. I just shouldn’t.

“Are you okay?” Yunho asked with a concern look on his face. He was eating an apple I cut for him. I stared at him for a brief second and opened my mouth to say something. I was stopped when the door slammed. Yunho and I turned around to see who it was.

“Aya?” I called.

“Sorry I’m late. So, how’s it going? How’s your best friend?” She asked as she sat on a chair beside me. She was smiling too much and acted so cheerful, and hyper. I have no idea what’s up with her. She suddenly grabbed one apple and bit it. I wanted to tell her that it’s not for her, but I had to show her some respect too. “How are you?” Aya asked Yunho face to face. I watched Yunho’s blank expression. He didn’t say anything. It was as if he was thinking of something while his eyes searched mine and Aya’s.

“Is she- your girlfriend?” He asked. Aya choked and drank water quickly. I never thought that Yunho would think of Aya as my girlfriend. Oh come on, she’s my cousin. I don’t want a girlfriend. I want a boyfriend. I said on my mind.

Before Aya could reply to Yunho’s question, I answered it myself. “Yes, she is my girlfriend.” I lied. “Her name’s Aya.”

Then I couldn’t picture him. The look on Yunho’s face seemed to darken. He must be glad I’ve moved on. He would believe it because this is what he wants in the first place. I’m sure of it.

“Oh,” was all he could say. He looked away and continued eating his apple.

See? I moved on. I said on my mind, making an insolent sound inside. Aya turned to me with her nose flaring. I quickly pinched her nose and said: “Oh, my girlfriend is so cute!” Aya took a deep breath and looked as if she’s going to give it a try too.

“Oh, Hubby. You know you’re cuter, right?” She giggled while messing my hair as if I’m a little puppy. I could see at the corner of my eye how Yunho looked so destroyed.

Oh my God. Did I just say ‘destroyed’? Well, that’s how he looked like. Maybe, he just couldn’t believe that I turned from gay heart to guy heart now?

“So, Yunho, right?” Aya turned to face Yunho again, her voice so lively. Yunho stared at her and nodded. “You’re really handsome. You know, you could be my boyfriend, but too sad I am Jaejoong’s. But if you tell me to break up with him, I’d do it. Just as long as you ask me to go out with you because you’re definitely my type.”

Oh great. Who is she kidding?

When Aya caught me eyeing her, she quickly laughed out loud. “I was joking, Yunho. Well, anyway. Let’s change the topic,” she grabbed the apple back and started eating again. I swear she’s going to have fats too soon.

After an hour we bade goodbye to Yunho. “What the hell did you just do inside?” She asked suddenly.

“I don’t know either.” I said not looking at her. “Let’s go, mom’s worrying where you took off and do not tell her what I just said to Yunho.”

‘That was not really cool!’ I thought. I want him to forget me and my stupid confession to him so I could finally move on so what’s the big deal? He did look hurt. Gosh, what am I thinking? I should really get him out of my head. Yeah, I’ve got to move on!

Mom was really furious when we got home. She was wearing that worried face and Aya was just bursting all to her about what just happened in the hospital, but of course she didn’t say the lie that I made to Yunho. I went straight upstairs and there I sat down in front of my laptop.

* * *

A few weeks has passed since Yunho got out of the hospital. We still didn’t talk with each other. He was enjoying himself while I’m in the library studying or reading a book under the shades of the big tree. It was dismissal time and I still didn’t want to go home. I went to the big tree and was planning to read a book when my teacher called for me and made me help on the books. When we got to the faculty room I saw Yunho starting on carrying the books. He lifts up his head and saw me, he smiled. It was a really sweet smile. I blushed on that thought, what the hell am I thinking?

“Hey!” Yunho said smiling.

“Hi! I haven’t talk to you for a while. How are you?” I said. We are now walking down the aisle to the store room on the next building.

“I’m fine. I guess you’re guilty for bringing me to the hospital that is why you’ve been avoiding me again.” He laughed. I laughed as well. It was true anyway. “Why didn’t you visit me again? It was really nice talking to your girlfriend. What was her name again, is it Aya?”

“Oh, yes. Isn’t she pretty?” What am I saying?

“Very pretty. What school is she attending?”

“The girl’s school 20 blocks from here.”

“Oh, so that is why her face seemed familiar. She went here right, just a few months ago? I saw her while I was passing by the school garden.”

“Yeah, she went here to see me, but of course on dismissal time. She often went to our house to have a chat with my mom. She’s really fond of Aya because she never had a daughter.”

“Hmmm… I see why ajhumma likes her.” He said as we continue on walking.

We reached the store room. It was really far from the building where the faculty room was located. “Where are you going after this?” I was shocked; he was leaning forward.

“I was planning on reading a book under the big tree on the school garden, but it seems impossible since it’s going to rain now. The sky is darker.” I said looking up on the sky.

“Uh-huh.” He said agreeing with me. “Want to go home together?” I am flustered! “I just thought that we haven’t gone home together for a while.”

“O-Okay. Is it really okay?” What the heck! It’s a chance to be buddies with him again and get to move on!

“Yeah! We’re still best friends right?”

“Hmmm… Okay!”

While walking home, we saw Aya with her friend crossing the street, but she made them go on without her. “Oh! Hey Couz.” She said on a greeting tone. Her eyes grew bigger when she saw Yunho with me. “Oh, hi Yunho. Nice seeing you again. How are you?” she said smiling as if nothing happened just now.

“Hey Aya!” He said, smiling. “I’m perfectly fine, and you?” Oh heck! Thank you so much for him not hearing what Aya just said! Or else, I’d be busted.

“I’m fine too! Where are you going?” Aya turned to me this time.

“We’re going home. Wanna come by the house today? Mom texted me she baked your favorite soufflé.” I was eyeing her now.

“Really? I want to come!”

Aya and I separated from Yunho by the street near a convenience store. “See you tomorrow!” Yunho said cheerfully while running on the other direction.

I turned to Aya after Yunho left. “What did you just say there again? We are lucky Yunho didn’t hear it.”

“I am really sorry Jae! My tongue just slipped and I didn’t expect you two would go home together!

“Sigh, I really don’t know what to do with you.  Come on, mom’s waiting for us. I told her that you’re joining us tonight.”

“So, there’s really a soufflé? Yay!”

* * *

It’s been three months since Yunho and I became close best friends again. It wasn’t like before that when I’m with him I always feel awkward. I guess I moved on. The final exam is approaching and we are all busy taking care of our requirements. “I can’t believe that we’re going to graduate soon. It seems only yesterday that we met.” I said sarcastically.

“Yeah, I will miss this.” Yunho said. He sounded offended. “Will you miss me if I’m not around?”

“What? Where are you going?”

“Well, mom told me that we’re going back to Germany and it’s still not decided if I’m going to study there or if I’m still going back here. Sigh.”

I looked straight at him and smiled, “Yeah, I’ll miss you because you’re my best friend right? You’re like my brother.”

“I’m glad!” He said cheerfully. “Have you studied yet? Oh, right. You’re smart, no need to study fully. Ha-ha. Can you teach me this math equation? I can’t really understand it.”

“Sure. Where is it, show it to me.”

Yeah, I moved on. I’m glad I did. Now, I can live my life peacefully.

After the examination, I noticed Yunho’s been quiet as if he’s thinking something so deeply. I bet it’s because of the Germany thing we talked about. “Yunho, are you okay?”

“Huh? Oh, yes. I was just thinking that I made a mistake on my math test. The last question was quite hard and I think I solved it in a different equation.”

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. It’s really disturbing.” I eyed him. “Fine, I surrender. I just couldn’t think of going to Germany. I don’t want to go back. I want it in here. I’m comfortable here so why go back there? It’s useless!”

“It’s not so bad to go back there you know? You have friends there and I know you will have fun while you’re there.”

“NO! You know the reason I don’t like it there. I don’t want to see him ever again. I’ve had enough of him.” He’s crying. He was crying slowly, calmly. He quickly wiped his tears away, like all real men do when they realized they’re actually crying.

“Yeah, I know. Let’s not talk about it. I’m sorry.”

“No, Jae. I’m sorry.”

Later, we all prepared to graduate. Luckily, all senior students are going to graduate this year unlike last year, five seniors weren’t able to graduate.

I found Yunho approaching me with his mom and older sister.  “Jaejoong!” called Yunho’s sister.

“Noona! How are you? It’s been a while.”

“I’m perfectly fine.” She said, smiling. “How about I take a picture of the two of you?”

“Okay. Come on, Yunho.” I said.

It’s time for the ceremony. I got called up on stage for being the highest rank of my batch. “Thank you everyone.” I said first. “I would like to thank my mother who is very supportive, my teachers because if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be this successful on my studies. I would also like to thank my classmates for helping me here in school and my best friend right there,” I said while pointing on Yunho. “For being there until this time.” My speech ended and everyone gave me a big round of applause.

The ceremony ended and it meant that Yunho is leaving to Germany in about three to four hours. I searched for him, but he was nowhere to be found. The campus was too crowded, I couldn’t even find him or his mom or sister. I guess I’ll just have to call him. But when I did, no one was answering his phone. Doesn’t he want to say goodbye to me before he goes?

I sighed in defeat and leaned my back against the big tree in front of the high school building. Memories with me and Yunho came back to me. Now, I just can’t believe that I will have no new memories with him anymore; not the future or anything else. Our picture during graduation will probably be the last memory I’ll have of him.

When the campus wasn’t crowded anymore, I slowly felt tired and sleepy. Don’t fall asleep, Jae. Call Yunho first. Say goodbye first. I know you moved on already, but this is going to be the last chance to talk to him and he might never come back here anymore. A simple goodbye wouldn’t hurt. I thought.

However, my eyes closed and then I was in the dreamland.

I found Yunho in front of the big tree. “Yunho! Where the heck have you been? I’ve been searching for you everywhere!” I was out of breath from running.

“Jae, I won’t go to Germany if you don’t want me to. I love you Jae.” He stared at me with puppy eyes and with passionate and burning eyes as well. “I know that Aya is not your girlfriend.”

“H-How did you~?”

“I’m not stupid Jae. I love you!”

“NO! I told you to forget about my confession to you! I don’t love you like you love me anymore. I moved on so you must also.” I hate my life. Why would it turn out to be like this?

There was a long silence. “Jae, I’m going to Germany now to give you some time to think. I love you so much. I would sacrifice anything for you so please think about this. When I return, I want a definite answer from you!” Yunho walked away and I was still stunned of what he was saying.

“No, no. I heard it wrong right?” I said barely in a whisper. “Impossible. This is just a dream. Just a dream,” I slapped myself, my right cheek then left cheek while demanding that it was just a dream and that I should wake up. Now!

Ouch. It was like a nightmare when I found Aya’s face in front of me. I shouted the moment I opened my eyes which were first blurred until it was clear that Aya was there, waking me up.

“Calm down, it’s just me, Jae dear cousin.” Aya smiled and stood straight. “Your noona’s waiting for you outside.”

“Really? How long was I asleep?”

“Probably half an hour. Ajhumma went home already anyway. She said she’ll prepare for your graduation party in three hours with the help of the neighbors.” She winked an eye and offered her hand to let me stand. I clicked my tongue and get on my feet without her holding her hand.

“Neighbors, you say? Does that mean Yunho’s going to help too?” I asked.

“Nope. I saw a truck in front of their house so I guess they’re leaving later.”

“Wait, when did you see that truck?”

“I don’t remember. I think that was when you were asleep? Just quit asking questions okay? We should go ahead and help mom. Even if it’s your party, you should still help because she is your mother.”

“I’ll go first!” I said out loud and started running out the school gate, leaving Aya behind. I heard her shout for me to stop, but I ignored her. I need to say goodbye to Yunho. I don’t care about that stupid and whatsoever dream, all I care about is to say goodbye to Yunho and hug him and then completely forget about him. I’m not going to miss this last chance with see him. Yunho, wait for me!

I hurried home, praying that Yunho would stop by there. I even scolded the taxi driver for being so slow. I even called Mr. Driver that he is such a rotten brat for disobeying me! I guess, I was just in a panic mode.

Calm down, Jae! Calm down! I told myself and quickly jumped out of the taxi the moment we arrived.

“Don’t forget the fare, Mr.” The driver called. I glared at him and gave him what he wanted. That made me slightly annoyed.

“And I have a name, sir. It’s Jaejoong. So don’t call me Mr.” I rolled my eyes and ran. Never mind the taxi driver, he’ll be fine. I’m sure he’s not out of gasoline yet although he looked defeated (probably because I was so noisy or that he’s guilty his car was so slow and I had to arrive home late because of the lack of gas; he was complaining about a gasoline station on our way so maybe that’s why).

So, how late am I?

“Mom?” I went in our house and found my mom’s eyes red. “Were you crying?”

“No, Jae.” She smiled. “I’m just happy you’re here.” I saw she had a crumpled paper behind her and it made me ponder what it was. Did she just use a piece of paper to wipe her tears? Or is that an email sent for her and the reason to make her cry?

“What’s that letter for?” I asked curiously.

“Oh this is nothing.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Of course, sweetie.”

“Ahh, great.” I looked away, cleared my throat. Hmm, how am I going to say this with a nice introduction? “Anyway, mom, I have something to ask.”

“Y-yes?” 

“Did Yunho come by here?”

“No. Not at all.”

What a disappointment. “Oh,” I sighed in dismay.

“Jae, he left already. He- He didn’t even say goodbye. You should just let him go.”

“I-“ I looked at my mom. “I should say goodbye first. I’ll be back later, mom.”

* * *

I could feel my lungs ache and burn as I run out of breath from running and screaming Yunho’s name. I didn’t care what the people around me would think about me. I didn’t care if I was too loud and that I looked like a lover searching for his lover or that I’m just exaggerating in front of all those people.

“Yunho!”

Maybe, I just like saying his name out loud.

Or I just wanted to see him so badly, before he leaves.

Maybe I wanted to hear him say goodbye first.

“Yunho, if I don’t see you now, I’m really going to hate you for making my lungs burn.” I mumbled to myself as I slow down.

Why am I so desperate to see him?

I already moved on.

I don’t love him anymore.

I don’t have any feelings for him anymore.

He’s just my best friend.

No, I’m wrong.

He’s no longer my friend because he wouldn’t just go without saying goodbye or without hugging me. He would answer his phone if he was still my friend. He wouldn’t make me run around and scream if he was still my friend.

It was 8:00 in the evening, but I was still in the airport. My phone was ringing, but I didn’t mind. I was… out of my mind. I was just listening to the radio, to the sad song playing.

“Idiot. I hate you, Jung Yunho.”