Jaejoong

Four years ago I isolated myself from others because I was once betrayed by a precious person myself. I don’t want to trust again. I’m fine with myself. I am a smart kid studying in an exclusive school. I always get the top of the ranking and I always get sympathize of the teachers.

It was the middle of September when I was called by the principal to meet our new classmate because I was the president of the first class. I can’t believe there will still be late enrollees in this type of month. When I got to the office, a very handsome man said, “Hello, my name is Yunho!” I was stunned for a bit and when I got over it, I just said back to him, “Hi, I’m Jaejoong. Nice meeting you!” The principal told me that he is from Germany, he came back from Germany three days ago but he knows how to speak in our language fluently.

When we got out of the office he said immediately, “So, you’re the president. I didn’t expect that you would look like this.” “What did you expect me looking like then?” I said. He said, “Uhm… A bit nerdy I guess?” “Hahaha… Then you got the wrong person.” We exchange sentences until we got to the classroom. When we got in the classroom, I said, “This is Yunho, he will be our classmate starting this day. Feel free to ask questions after the lesson.” They all murmured, girls looking at him with desire. The bell rang. “The teacher will be arriving soon so please, settle down!”

I led Yunho to his seat. It was located opposite of mine. I got relieved because I don’t want to get him near me. He was so loud. At lunch, I packed up immediately to go to the library to have silence but I was too late, “Hey Jaejoong,” Yunho said. He’s annoying, I know. Then I leaned backward because he was too close to me. “Where are you going?” “I’m going to the library.” “Can I come?” “Uh… sure,” I said.

‘He really is popular to the girls,’ I said to myself. He is so calm while we were walking to the library so I guessed he is used to it. Then, I realized he is very tall and have broad shoulders. I didn’t notice it earlier because I didn’t dare look at him again after I saw his face.

Going in the library, I found Yunho looking around, amazed like a little child.

“Your library is really cool! It really is big. It is five times bigger than our library at home,” he said.

“Uh… Yeah, this is really big. What do you want to read? Just look for something while I get us seats.” After 10 minutes when I left him, he came back with his hands full of books about the space galaxy. He said excitedly “I didn’t expect them to have the latest edition of this book!” he held out a very thick book that was entitled ‘Space Odyssey.’ “I’ve always wanted to be an Astronomer. My big sister got me the first edition of this book when I was nine. When I met the author two years ago, he gave me the second edition but I was still saving to buy the third! This is very expensive!” His eyes were shining while talking; I can’t help but smile subconsciously. He sounds like a nerd for me.

 “Hey, you’re cute when you smile, did you know that?” He said, still smiling. I blushed. I didn’t know what else to say and just buried myself to the book I was reading.

* * *

Yunho and I got really close as time passed by. Shortly, we realized we’re closer than any best friends or brothers around us. Months had passed and yet our friendship stayed strong, and sooner I found out in myself that there is something more than brotherly love that I feel for him.

“It’s your birthday next week right?” one of the girls in our class asked Yunho. Smart , Tara Lee whom everyone thinks is gorgeous but not for me. She’s the opposite, and a . Well, I think she is. She’s dated more than 50 guys, and she said that herself. She’s proud.

 “Yes! This year’s birthday will be different from the past years!” He is smiling so much. Especially when he’s around that girl named Tara. I suddenly got jealous of that girl. Why did I forget that it’s his birthday next week? How could she remember? Now, I feel like a bad friend of him. Why didn’t he remind me at least? I am his best friend, more like a brother, but I forgot his birthday? Well, that’s embarrassing and a pity.

After that, I skipped lunch and went directly to the library. I picked a book to look at; not even reading what it was about, just flipping the pages over and over again as if I was reading. But I wasn’t. I was too busy daydreaming about Yunho, and I had no idea why.

Speaking of Yunho, he suddenly appeared in front of me, startling me at that very moment.

“Hello, my dear Jae!” He exclaimed happily. I never really got the idea or his reason why he is such a cheerful person. His parents are lucky to have someone like him you know. Yunho is popular, adorkable (adorable and yet a dork; a fun one), loved by most of the girls, intelligent and never bullies anyone, always managed to make friends of enemies, famous because of his neat and friendly personality, his looks and his y body. What more do they want? He’s perfect.

At least for me, he is.

“So, it’s your birthday next week. I almost forgot.” I said out of nowhere.

“Oh, so I haven’t told you! Sorry about that. You should have remembered. It’s my birthday on the 6^th. What are you going to give to me anyway now that you know when’s my birthday?” He was sitting beside me and leaning towards me to get a closer look. I blushed and said, “I don’t know. You said that this birthday of yours will be special right?”

“Uhm… Yeah. Sort of! So what are you going to give me?”

 “You won’t give up don’t you? Then, it will be a surprise!” I shut the book I was holding and left it on top of the table as I also leaned closer to him. So close that our noses touched each other.

That’s when I realized inside me… This is no ordinary love. That moment when I gazed down his lips up to his eyes and back to his lips, I felt nothing but the desire to kiss him and have him in my arms forever. It’s been almost a year of our friendship, and we never fought once. All those times, I’ve been admiring him over and over again. And now, I just can’t help myself. I know deep inside me, I want this guy. And this is the first time that I’ve ever felt like wanting someone for myself.

Closer and closer, our lips…almost touched. Almost, until he back away when that Tara with her girly flirty friends called him by the doorway.

What the heck.

“Yunho!” Tara squealed, waving at him. Are they close? Or is she just feeling close?

“Hey Tara!” Yunho called her back. So, he knows her too. As if they’re really close? I guess all I thought was wrong when Yunho turned back to face me, winking his left eye. “Remember Tara Lee? I asked her out and she said yes!”

“You what?!”

That moment I felt somehow disappointed and heartbroken. I found out I’ve got a gay heart after all. This Yunho is a really lucky one to be the first person, and first guy to break my heart into tiny pieces (I might sound exaggerated if I say my heart broke into huge pieces). Yunho bade goodbye to me and went out with Tara and her friends, leaving me behind in the most boring place I’ve ever known, the library.

I spent the rest of my vacant time crying in the library, with everyone staring at me confusingly. They wouldn’t understand the situation I’m in. If I try to explain to them, they’d laugh at me and I’d be found out of being gay. Just when I realized I’m gay, that I’m in love, then he gets his girl and leaves me as if I’m a nobody.

We never had that ‘sweet moment’ the rest of the days until his birthday. We were in class when I wrote a letter to him, saying ‘Happy Birthday, let’s meet in the library during lunch’. I saw him grin to himself, and I was relieved.

We went to the library together and we talked about the days we missed each other. He said he was sorry for not being able to spend some time with me, saying he was busy with Tara.

Oh Tara. You’re dead to me. I thought, but of course, I can never do that. I am innocent, and Yunho should know that I’m staying innocent. “Tara is a really nice girl. She’s pretty and all that. She knows how to cheer me up.”

No matter how innocent and sweet he sounds, I just can’t help but think of stupid things they might’ve done together. Things she did to cheer him up. How I wish I’m only imagining these weird things because I’m never letting that happen ever.

“Jae, I really am in love with Tara. She’s different.”

You say that all the time, every time you meet new admirers.

I’m surprisingly not astonished by him. I’m just simply, jealous.

“She’s an amazing girl.”

Then again, what about me? I’m amazing too. I can sing. I can dance really cool. If you want me to show you how to dance seductively, I can show you! Just tell me! I’m an amazing gay! I thought, although I wanted to say those words in front of him so badly but I just can’t.

On his birthday, instead of being happy I was mourning for myself. I felt like I lost a best friend, a brother and the only person I love so much. I spend the whole day crying because of him and at night the cute T-shirt I bought for him with the saying ‘My heart is taken by the giver of this shirt’ ended up soaked with my tears. I’m never giving it to him.

“This was supposed to be yours. It’s supposed be a happy birthday. And I’m supposed to be intelligent, but now I’m stupid because of you, you bastard!”

And the next day, was one of the worse day of my life. I didn’t go to school, my eyes looked like it was going to pop out and it was puffy and of course not to mention, ugly. I wasn’t really feeling well. Mom told me a bunch of time that if I need anything, I’ll tell her.

“I need Yunho. Now, can you give him to me?” That’s the stupidest answer I said to her, over and over again until she stopped asking the same question.

A few hours later she came back again, I thought she’s going to ask that same question once again but she didn’t. I sighed with relief but then my eyes widened in pure surprise. I almost fell off my bed when Yunho appeared behind Mom.

“He’s here,” Mom whispered and made a prolonged eye contact with me. She left as soon as Yunho came in. I was glad he came.

“What are you doing here?” Gladness filled my voice, and I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot. Or a child who received a gift from Santa, that’s how stupid I felt I looked like.

“I was worried about you.”

More butterflies in my stomach, I felt like squealing like a real girl and hug him for as long as I want. Okay, not until Tara Lee came in with a broad but wicked smile.

“Are you feeling okay, Mr. President?” Tara asked sweetly, and yet for me, it sounded wicked as if I was listening and watching a witch behind Yunho.

“Why are you here?” I asked, rudely.

“Look, I’m really sorry, Jae.” Yunho said slowly. “Tara insisted on coming with me. But I really wanted to come visit you because I was very worried. It’s the first time you missed class. Are you not feeling well?”

“Can’t you see? Or are you just blind?” Tears filled my eyes as it trickled down my cheeks.

“Are you okay?” He asked as he walked near my bed.

“I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine! That’s why I’m crying, right?” I said sarcastically, wiping my tears away and sniffling like a little child. “Just get out of my sight. If you want to visit me, visit me alone. Not with her, not with anyone. It’s disrespectful.” I quickly buried my face under my pillow and cursed myself under my breath. I’m stupid, I know that. Please brain, don’t repeat it and don’t make me look more stupid than I already am. “Just leave,” I managed to utter.

That’s the spirit Jae. Cry and be mad. I thought.

I wonder how Yunho is right now ever since I made him leave rudely from my home. Is he sad about it? Is he still worried? What is he doing right now? Is he calling Tara on phone or is he thinking of calling me? Is he waiting for me outside or Tara’s house? I know, I know. He might be with Tara right now.

Weeks had passed already, I miss him. I just broke our friendship because of my jealousy. Because I am in love with him. Every moment I miss him, I learn to love him more. What should I do? It’s getting worse. My heart is getting worse, and it’s over the top, to the max level, I can’t reach it. I can’t tell my heart whom to love, I can’t make it follow me instead I keep on following it.

“Yunho, why don’t you just get the heck out of my mind?” I asked while looking up the sky, watching the stars, wishing that I’d see a shooting star and wish Yunho would be mine. When I was a child, I’d watch the stars every night, wish whatever comes into my mind but it never came true. Now, I feel like a child again, wishing of something impossible.

Stars never listened to me. Shooting stars never showed up.

“Mom, what if I tell you I’m in love?” Once I asked Mom about this. She’d smile; she’d say she’d support me no matter what. “Then what if I tell you I’m in love with a guy?” and she’d laugh out loud. “It doesn’t make sense right?”

Nevertheless, I’m fine with her not believing me. I’m fine with just her. I’m fine without my Dad. I’ve never seen him anyway, except in the album Mom kept since he died when I was a baby. What if Dad was gay too? What if he was like me? What if I tell the dead I’m gay, would he believe unlike Mom?

“What if I’m not lying, Mom?” I asked Mom again. Just like a little child, pondering for positive answer.

“If you’re not lying, I don’t know what I’d do. Maybe, I won’t be a proud Mom anymore. Come on, Jae. I know you’re not gay. You’re a man. A real man.” She’d say, and I’ll fell silent. “Okay,” I whispered and looked away.

I had so many questions to ask of her, but I couldn’t. She wouldn’t be a proud Mom anymore. She’d probably hate me or tell me I’m a disgrace to the Kim Family.

It’s been almost a month, and I’ve said no word to Yunho even though he’d been trying to keep in touch with me. I always end up pushing him away, and regretting that I did that.

One day in the library, I went to the very edge of the room and read the book ‘Space Odyssey’ while leaning my back on the wall. I would never forget that that book was one of his favorites. So now I wanted to read it and make it one of my favorites too. As I read, I imagined Yunho as an Astronomer. A handsome and strong man, he’s a perfect fit for an Astronomer. He should be one day, and I’d be his No.1 fan.

“I’ve been looking for that book everywhere,” a familiar voice said. It was Yunho. I knew it. His voice, it’s stuck in my mind. This book, he would always look for it every time he’s in the library. No wonder.

I looked up at him as I closed the book and handed it to him without any complain. “You want it? Here,” I said as nice as I can. However, my voice still broke as if there’s something in my throat or is it just because I’m talking to him and I’m scared and nervous? I couldn’t explain the mixed feelings I was having right at that moment. Half of me still want him, and the other half wants me to forget him.

“Jae, I want to talk to you.” He said, “But I want you to talk to me too. Stop ignoring me okay? Look, I miss you, Jae. I miss having my best friend around.”

I placed the book back on its place as I slowly stood up and face Yunho.

“Fine. I feel like talking today anyway. I haven’t talked to anyone except Mom for three days.” I replied.

“Jae, why are you avoiding me?” He asked, barely a whisper but I completely heard him. I gulped my own saliva, feeling my heartbeats fast. I looked around and found some people watching, some ignoring and just reading their books. There’s too many crowd, but I wanted to tell Yunho why I was avoiding him.

“I-“I stopped when Yunho grabbed my hand. For a brief second I felt like I was in dreamland, and then I was back to reality when he brought me in the library’s storage room. It was dark and dusty, I could smell old books inside and although it was dark I could see Yunho clearly.

“Now tell me. I’m your best friend right? You tell me the problem, Jaejoong. Don’t make me worry. What’s the problem? Did you fight with your Mom? Did some people in this school bully you? Were you rejected by a girl? Are you heartbroken or something?” Yunho asked. “Tell me, Jae!”

“You---You really want to know? The truth is--- I am rejected. I haven’t even confessed yet but I know I’ll be rejected.” I said, staring at his astonished expression. “I really love this person, he’s perfect for me. What I really hate about him is his numbness. How can he not know I’m in love with him?”

“H-He?”

“Yeah, you heard it right!” Now I felt like my tears would fall any minute, but I was trying to hold them back until I leave and hide myself somewhere quiet and private. “I’m in love with a guy, Yunho.”

“But you’re a guy-“ Yunho said, stuttering. “And you’re in love with a guy too? That’s…Impossible. W-Who is it?”

“You.”

“M-me?” He uttered in disbelief. “I know, it really is hard to believe and stupid,” Oh God, take it back, Jae. Why did you say that? I thought. “I know you have a girlfriend. I know you love Tara Lee so much. I know I’m just your best friend, but I can’t help myself. I’m in love with my best friend. I’m in love with you, Yunho. But I know you’ll never love me back the way I love you.”

“W-What?” Stunned, he shook his head repeatedly. “But Jae, we’re best friends. I told you we’re just best friends and brothers. Why would you love me more than that?”

“So you hate me now?”

“No… No, Jae. I love you, I love you but it’s not love like how you think you are with me. I-I am in love with Tara, I’m serious about her.”

Busted.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a whisper.