Look at me. My hair was flying in all different directions as if I've been stricken by lightning one hundred times but still managed to live. I traced the mascara streaks that were left from my waterfall of tears coming from my eyes. My nose felt like there were wine corks in my nose; I could barely breath! everytime I did, I made this awful weezing sound and the most derpiest face. My lips were all puffed from all the biting I did on them in order to stop myself from crying. I looked like a total mess. 

"Lee Chaerin. Miss Lee Chaerin. 21 of age. 5'7. Currently in a relationship with Kim Kibum. Age 21. 5'8. Sister. Lee Cheska." I sighed. What I was doing was a review for myself, I saw it on some useless television show. I don't even remember what it was about ... something about life? I don't know. What you're supposed to do is see how much you remember about yourself and some how try to figure yourself out. First, you start with people in your life. So far, I can't get pass Cheska. I've been doing this for about 3 days now, and I can never get pass Cheska. 

Damn. I need to get myself together. I picked up my untouched brush, and it through my artificial blonde hair. It smoothed at the first run through. Slowly, I pulled myself together. 

-

This is the first time from the "accident" that I've walked out my room. As I twisted the door knob, the door hit something. "Ouch! my head!" Kimmy got up and cupped at his head. I peaked from behind my door, "Did you sleep here?" the  floor infront of my door was covered in a mat,blankets, and a pillow. It looked like a boy's sleepover for one. I cautiously skipped over the mat, and landed on the other side of it. Kimmy turned around, now rubbing his eyes. "Yeah, for like ... 3 days. I almost forgot what you looked like Rinnie. What made you want to come out?" He got up and intertwined his fingers with mine.

We were both looking at each other now, "I just felt ready" without any further comments, Kimmy smiled at me. He kissed my forehead, "I missed your bubly face, your smile, your laugh, your smooth skin. The way you draw cartoon pictures with me, the way you ... kiss me. I miss you. I'm sorry about her" his voice was brittle, those eyes of his with tears -something I've seen all too much in myself. 

"No, Kimmy. Don't be, it's not your fault. We can get through together, arraseo?" my voice croaked at the word "arraseo"; I hate to see Kimmy go through what I'm going through right now. With a quick sniff and shake of the shoulders, Kimmy nodded, "Arraseo. C'mon let's go out to eat. You haven't had a proper meal in 3 days!" he released my hands from mine, and started to walk past me. 

I turned around and krept out of the hallway to the big open space that lead to the vintage furniture room. Out of the hallway, I saw the first of Kimmy's flat .. or a majority of it. It was a huge mess. Clothes were scattered all over the room, socks placed in odd spots, shoes on the egg white Vintage Danish Modern Sofa he bought at some vintage store across the street that he always likes to visit when I come over (He's obsessed). The place was a mess.

"Yeah, sorry. It's a mess, I know" Kimmy started to pick up clothes off the floor, throwing them onto his chest and pressing his hand against each one. "What happened?" I walked over to the sofa, tossing a pair of navy blue desert boots to the side of me. "I was too focused on trying to get you out of my room. I wanted to cheer you up. I missed my baby boo" he chuckled, now throwing his clothes into a hamper. 

"Did you miss work?" Reaching for the remote, I tossed a pair of ankle socks aside. I then turned the flat screen on, the only modern thing in this room. "Yeah. Ahjusshi didn't mind" We didn't say as much as that until the room was now clean; the way I remembered it. 

"I don't want to go out. Can you just make me breakfast?" Kimmy took a seat beside me, making the couch deflate an groan. A smile curved at the end of his lips as he rested his head onto my shoulder, "I thought you'd never ask! Bacon and eggs? Oh, american style coffee with two sugars and whites right?" I nodded childlishly, "Thanks oppa!" Kimmy let out a fruity laugh.

"After this we should say hello to Cheska. She's getting really bored at the hospital. She feels horrible" Am I ready? Am I ready to meet Cheska? the person who I can't let myself get over? My baby sister? Maybe ... maybe. Seeing her might make me feel better, knowing that she still looks the same. If anything happened to her baby face I would kill Jonghyun, more that I want to do now.  

"Yes. I need to see her" my voice was tremulous with excitement in which Kimmy gladly took note of, as he the stove. "Ok, we'll leave at one o'clock" I can't wait to see her! all that matters is that I know were sisters. 

---

Lee Cheska. Patient#101119. Mild case of Amnesia. Guardian(s) : Lee Chaerin (Sister) and Kim Kibum (Sister's Boyfriend). Contact # : 1 - 143 - 099 - 4763. Signed by : Dr. Song. 

I read as placed the clipboard back to the edge of the bed. Cheska looked healthy ... physically. Internally? no. She is not. But that doesn't matter right now, what matters is that she knows my name and who I was in her life. 

"Baby, this is Chaerin. My girlfriend. Your real sister" the tone is Kimmy's voice was rather cautious, but too Cheska, I'm guessing it sounded more "honeyed". The ill girl looked at me, her eyes emotionless. 

She smiled, but it was a rather practiced smile. Like a smile you would give to someone you hate, but you have to be nice too. "Hi, I'm Lee Chaerin. 22 years of age. 5'7. Currently in a relationship. I.m currently finishing the last of my requirments for my degree in fashion. I am studying at Seoul Fashion University. My favourite food are sandwhiches." As I was saying this, I felt like the new kid at the first day of school that no one really tried to make friends with on the first day. It was really awkward re - introducing myself to my sister. 

Cheska nodded, "Oh, I like sandwhiches" her voice innocent. Although, nothing sparked inside her brain, my heart kind've wanted me too ease myself into her life ... again. "Really? what do you like in your sandwhiches? I like mine with a combonation of nutella and peanut butter. Nutella on one side of the bread and Peanut Butter on the other" Cheska smiled, and so did I at my success at small talk. 

"That sounds good. I like mine with eggs, Oh! and my bread toasted to a crisp in the middle" Yeah, I already knew that. I was about to say I already knew that, but that would make this awkward. So, I play it dumb. "Oh! that also sounds good. Maybe we could have breakfast together and try eachothers sandwhiches!" Cheska's eyes were instantly brought to life at the idea. They looked as if they were stars, glistening in the water below. It was beautiful to see her eyes like that. Happy and Alive.

"How does tomorrow sound?" she nodded profusely, her smile reaching her ears. "Did you want to walk? I mean, that bed does look comfortable and all ... but bed sores bro" Cheska giggled at my 'surfing' accent. "Sure" her voice was very modulated. Like music to my ears.

Cheska gladly hopped off her bed and slipped on her hospital provided slippers. She made a face, wiggling her toes "What's wrong?" I took a look at her toes. They were painted an ocean blue; a colour that suited her tan-ish skin really well. Cheska lifted her head and turned to me, "The slippers. They're just so plain you know? I wish ... I could make them mine" her shoulders shrugged as she slipped her hands inside the light turquoise hospital gown. It ruffled at the sudden touch.

I smiled, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel the same about white shirts" Cheska's face brightened. She flashed an agreeing smile, at the same time pointed at me, "You too eh? wow, you must really be my sister. Dara unnie never gets my sense of fashion. She's so ... ordinary" the corners of revolted at the word by turning a frown. 

She finally gets it! I'm her actual sister! Not Dara unnie! I feel so .. so ... not depressed. My body feels a new, enlightened, elated, carefree! I just wanted to pick her up and swing her like she was 5 again, and watch her bubbly face explode with excitement and joy! Hear her laugh as she playfully begged for me to put her down, although not wanting to stop.

I wanted her to be mine again, but I have to take it slow. One step at a time Chaerin. One step at a time. "I know" Cheska smiles at with, this time with a kinder more welcoming smile, not much like the one she gave me before. She started to walk and I did the same; I went at the same pace she did. 

As we got past her rooms doorframe and left Kimmy in the room to let us bond, a bunch of activites were going on. People jittering in the waiting room with pursed lips and beads of sweat peaking from their creased foreheads. Patients walking with water bags that were held up by an iron pole with a hook to the end. Doctors an nurses quickly talking back an forth to each other about things only those people in the medical field would understand.

People in wheelchairs. Babies crying. Parents and family crying. A gurney would once in awhile come rushing in with medic's pushing at it, whom were trying to get to the intensive care units or ER. The medics would be screaming at the top of their lungs, and when they did the people around would just stop and stare at the person lying in the gurney as if it were something so rare you had to stop what you're doing and just admire at it's beauty no matter how important the situation your in is. It was a total mess. 

Cheska nudged at my rib, softly, making me turn my head towards her. "So, what was mom and dad like? if you really are my sister" I don't wan't to tell her that. Even if it is some part of her life, it probably wasn't the greatest thing to know. How many kids want to know their parents were hardcore drug addicts? zero. I can't tell her, nor can I lie to her. Just be around the bush. "Uh, they weren't the best of parents" my voice became thick. For what reason unknown.

"Why?" she looked at me with a brooding expression. Good, she should have a brooding face. With pursed lips I carefully answered, "They did things that weren't right - for me and you both" my finger flopped between us, pointing back and forth inbetween us. Cheska's expression as she moved to the side for a nurse to walk inbetween looked as if she had figured my strategy. As she came back to my side and we both turned a corner, her expression became very serious, "Don't be around the bush unnie, just tell me. They can't be that bad! I mean, everybody makes mistakes" 

I felt an uneasiness in my stomach. My stomach felt like it flopped over. "Do you really want to know?" hoping she would say 'no' I ritually crossed my fingers and hid them behind the movement of my thigh from Cheska's eyes. Unfortunately she nodded. "Our parents were hard core drug addicts. They did the worst things you could've done to yourself, and then some. I hate to admit, but ... they sort've neglected us, like we were animals. I took care of you most of the time, although I was still considered a baby at that time. It was tough, I mean, I had to learn how to change your diapers, give you baths, feed you, take you to school same time I was going to school,pay for your school,make your clothes, keep you away from the things our parents were doing. Oh, did I mention we lived in America?" 

Cheska shook her head, she looked to focused on her own life story to speak. I continued, "Well we did, and so our Aunt and Uncle in Korea, we call them Ahjumma and Ahjussi by the way, wanted both of us away from our parents! But since they couldn't get custody over you, I called Child Servies on our parents and they handed you too our Aunt and Uncle in America. You lived there for most of your life, 8 years to be exact" We were now back to Cheska's assigned room. She leaned against the doorframe and crossed her foot over the other. Her eyes were mystified. 

She inhaled deeply and exhaled the same way, "Wow, what a life I had eh? I mean, not a lot of people have the guts to call Child Servies on their own parents! You must've really cared!" I couldn't help but smile at her praising of my bravery. I tapped my pointer finger under her chin lightly, "Yup, I cared a lot" her cheeks blushed a little at the same time her smile got 10 times wider. It is a beautiful sight. "Thanks unnie. It's great seeing you, and hearing my own life story. I'm sorry  if I can't remember you or all the awesome times we've had in the past together. Trust me, for what you've done for me, I wish I didn't know myself but still know you and all those life changing things you've done for me. I love you. Don't be depressed. When I heard you were, at first I didn't care because I hardly even know you, but when you came in and started talking to me I felt like I knew you from the very start, like how it was supposed to be. Pray for me okay? Pray that I will get better so that I can enjoy my life with you, and you and I will have a back story together. One that we'll both know. I love you" 

I'm lost for words. I feel all numb. Without a thought or a single consiltation about getting to attached to Cheska in fear she might feel I'm pushing her to remember, I grab her hand and pull her in for a hug. I sob into her shoulder, "I love you too. I always pray Cheska. Always" Cheska gave out a soft chuckle, 

"You really are my unnie" 

____________________________________________________________________________________

"Ouch! my head!"