[ 6 YEARS LATER ]

“Omma?” a little voice said behind me. “Are you crying?”

I gulped down the lump that formed in my throat. I lifted my eyes from my lap and quietly wiped the tears from my face.

I looked behind my shoulder and smiled at the little boy sitting on the backseat. I shook my head.

“Okay,” he said seemingly convinced with the lie I just said. “Where are we anyway, Omma?” he darted his gaze outside.

I followed his gaze.

The moment we arrived here, just like what I used to do since years ago, I stopped the car first and firmly held the steering wheel and cry before I step out of the car.

It had been six years since I visited this place. And I thought, the next time I would come here, it would not hurt so much like my last visit here since I discharged from the hospital.

“Why are we here, Omma?” he asked, interrupting my thoughts.

“Do you remember your birthday wish you asked me before?” I asked, forcing a smile.

He nodded. “I wished to meet Appa.”

I nodded too.

“But my birthday has long passed, Omma,” he said.

It’s true; I didn’t have a chance to grant him that wish thinking that he wasn’t ready yet… and of course, because I wasn’t ready too.

“And why are we here anyway?” he asked again.

“He’s here,” I said.

He blinked at me. He seemed lost.

I stepped out of the car and he followed suit. I firmly held his hand as if the strength I needed came from him. And for years, I can prove that it was really because of him that I gained this much strength.

“Omma?” he called.

We started walking towards our destination, every step heavy. I thought I was ready, but I was wrong. It still hurt like hell. But I should not be selfish like I was for six years now. He needs to meet his father.

We abruptly stopped when we arrived. I felt the kid look up at me. I looked down at the grave in front of me and I willed myself to smile. I must not appear weak in front of this kid. He must see me as a strong mother, even just this once.

“Say hello to your father, Ji Sung,” I said. “His name is Kwon Jiyong.”

Ji Sung looked down at the grave and he kneeled on the grass.

“He’s already dead, Omma?” he asked innocently.

I kneeled beside him. “Yes,” I said as a painful tug squeezed my heart.

“How did he die, Omma?” he asked again.

He deserves the truth, I told myself. “He protected me.”

“He must have been a brave man,” he said.

“Yes. Yes he is,” I said as I remembered the time he shielded the bullets for me.

That time, I was supposed to do that to protect him, but he was too fast to react that he was able to reciprocate my actions. I was supposed to be in his place right now. I was supposed to be the one who’s dead now.

But as I felt the warm hand of Ji Sung, I took back the words I just said. If I was to die, then Ji Sung would never come into this lifetime. Somehow, he’s the only living memory of Jiyong and I.

“Do you still love Appa, Omma?” he asked.

I stared at him. I couldn’t take it anymore. My tears started to gush down again as I uncontrollably sobbed. I wanted to feel warmth; I wanted to feel comfort. But where can I find them? I was all alone.

I was all alone then…

Ji Sung wrapped his little arms around me and squeezed me.

“I know you still love Appa, Omma,” he said. “But you have to be strong, too, right Omma?”

More tears flowed from my eyes while hearing those words from my own son. At such a young age, he knows how to speak such wise words. If it wasn’t because of the heaviness I was feeling in my heart, I would have laughed. But, right now, I could use all the warmth I could get.

“I am here, Omma. I won’t leave you,” he said as he leaned away. He then puffed his chest and punched them with his fists. “I will protect you too, like what Appa did.”

A smile broke on my lips.

“Now, stop crying Omma,” he said again, in that same comforting tone. He wiped away my tears with his little fingers.

I nodded, though the tears were still continuously flowing down.

“Ji Sung-ah!” a voice called from a far.

Ji Sung turned his head towards the direction while I still had my eyes glued on him.

“Do you want some ice cream?” the voice said again.

Ji Sung turned to me and quickly wiped my tears away.

“Omma, fix yourself,” he said, panicking. “If Uncle Jaejoong would see you crying, he would panic again. You know how he is.”

I laughed. He tugged my hand and we ran towards Jaejoong.

I stared silently at Ji Sung as he was playing with his classmates on the playground. He really does resemble his father in so many ways that at times, it scares me. His eyes, his nose, his smile – they were all just the same. He looked like Jiyong’s past childhood.

“Ji Sung is very friendly, eh?” Jaejoong broke into my senses. I stared at him. “Unlike you.”

I chuckled, returning my gaze to Ji Sung. “He must have gotten that trait from his father,” I said somberly.

I felt Jaejoong’s hand on my back. “You still can’t forget him.”

“How can I? Just looking at Ji Sung reminds me of Jiyong,” I said.

“True, he resembles him too much,” he said.

“You don’t know how much it hurts me-“

“I do, and it hurts me too,” he said.

My eyes darted back to him.

“Seeing you hurting like this, it hurts me so much. Don’t keep them to yourself, Dara. I’m always here for you, and you know that. Like the old times, you can still cry on my shoulder,” he said.

And just like that, my head rested on his shoulder and I cried.

Six years. I thought that after a year of grieving, I would be able to move on. But through these six long years, I found myself sulking on every corner possible, crying my eyes out while curled in a tight ball.

When I was discharge from the hospital, I insisted on seeing Jiyong, still believing that he was alive and he was waiting for me at home, probably cooking dinner or just watching some gag shows. But Jaejoong drove me towards the cemetery. I found out then that I was in a coma for a month after the incident at the horror house and I missed Jiyong’s funeral.

After seeing Jiyong’s name carved on the grave just beside my family’s, I literally broke down and cried more and more.

Days after that became harder and harder as I refuse to eat, to go out of my room, to even sleep. I also refuse to talk to anyone. Jaejoong, Seungri, Seunghyun, and the other agents often come and visit me, but I ignore them.

The scars that the bullets gave me were no help too. Anyone might wonder why I survived, but the bullets did not hit any of my vital organs, though I was put into coma because of it. Dad and Jaejoong said that I should be thankful I survived and that I only got into coma and not to death. They said I had all the reason to live. But being the stubborn me, I refused to believe them too. There was no way I could live well again.

However, things changed when Jaejoong reminded me of the child I was carrying for four months, in an attempt to let me eat and sleep. However, it just made me worse as I always found myself running here and there while trying to kill myself together with the child I was carrying.

It just didn’t make sense to me. What’s the use of having a child when I’m going to raise him up alone and what’s worse was that this child was just a memory of Jiyong?

I tried hanging myself, drinking poison, slitting my wrist, even intentionally bumping myself with a car. However, Jaejoong seem to just magically appear and then he would stop me from doing that. He saved me from those things.

Jaejoong was even the one who talked me out of the idea of killing myself.

“What would Jiyong think if you do that? Will he be happy when you die?” he had said.

Then, just like that, I lived my life again. Though, I can literally call myself a living hell.

When Ji Sung was born, things got even worse. I always get into a fight with the kid, most of the time, I scold him. He would just cry and ran towards Jaejoong who had a special role of being a fatherly figure for him.

Most of the time, our fights would start because of him asking about his father. Of course, I hate being asked that, so I scolded him.

However cruel I was towards him, he would always show his warmth and gentleness towards me and telling me how much he loves me despite all the fights we had. He would then hold my hand and cuddle with me and that was the only times I calmed.

But, one statement from him changed the way I acted towards him.

“Omma, I’m going to be six next week and I wish to be celebrating it with Appa,” he had said.

Thus, the trip to the cemetery earlier this morning. I know that even though he was not showing it, he wanted to ask more about his father. And maybe if he will reach his age, he would inquire for more information.

“You okay now?” Jaejoong’s voice entered my ears.

I leaned away and wiped the tears off my face. “Yes, I think so.”

“Be a better Omma to Ji Sung, okay?” Jaejoong said as he patted my head.

I nodded and stared ahead towards where Ji Sung was playing. My eyes almost bulged out as I found him nowhere around. I stood up and looked for him on every corner of the playground. I heard Jaejoong calling for Ji Sung too.

“Omma!” Ji Sung called.

I turned around and was relieved to see him safe and unscathed. I hugged him so tight that I thought I was going to crush his bones.

“Where were you?” I asked the moment I leaned away.

“There was a weird guy who talked to me,” he said nonchalantly.

“You should not talk to strangers, Ji Sung,” Jaejoong said.

“He seemed nice,” Ji Sung defended.

“Even so, they might…” I trailed off as Ji Sung showed me a red rose.

“He told me to give you this,” he said. “He said that you seemed sad and a rose might lighten up your mood.”

I felt a lump on my throat and I could hardly breathe. I immediately snatched the rose from him as I scrutinized its every detail.

“Who gave you this? Where is he?” I asked Ji Sung, losing my cool.

He looked behind him. “I saw him walking towards that fountain.”

I immediately turned Ji Sung over to Jaejoong as I frantically searched around the fountain. My heart was thumping wildly against my chest as I expected him to be here. My eyes were becoming blurry every passing second. I turned each guy I met on the fountain to face me but I got disappointed every time.

I faced the fountain as I fished out a coin. I closed my eyes and clasped the coin near my heart.

                Please. I want to see his face again, even just this once.

Even though I was finished wishing, I was afraid of releasing the coin and opening my eyes. I was afraid that once I throw the coin to the water, and when I open my eyes, I will see no one but the fountain. Slowly, I opened my eyes and released the coin though. It made a splashing sound as it made contact with the water.

I stood there, motionless, waiting for the wish to be granted, waiting to see his face again, even just this once.

But it never came.

My vision became blurry and my knees wobbled. In a matter of seconds, I was on my knees on the ground.

I thought that there was hope. I thought I could find Jiyong again. I thought we will be together again, with our child Ji Sung. But they were false hopes. They were heartbreaking truths.

“Dara!” I heard someone calling from behind me followed by his footsteps.

I didn’t want to turn my head towards him. I might sound rude, but it wasn’t Jaejoong I wanted to see. It was Jiyong – the Jiyong whom I believed once that he was dead; that he was gone from this world, from my life. But right now, just a little red rose from our son made me believe that he’s alive. Right now, I believe he’s just somewhere out there, looking out for me. But whatever reason why he hasn’t yet appeared before me even until now made my belief wavered. And I hate it.

“Jiyong…” I said, crying.

“Omma!” Ji Sung called.

Oh, yes. I still have a reason to believe that Jiyong is alive. Our son…our memory…he’s the one who gives me strength. And I have to believe that Jiyong is really out there, waiting for the right time. And I am also here, waiting for him to come back to me.

“Ji Sung…” I said as I hugged my son to my chest as if he was the one who can take away the pain. Though he gives me strength, the pain I’m feeling – it was only Jiyong who can take it away.

I know he’s out there.

I know he’s alive.

At first, I thought that maybe it’s time for me to let go and move on, though it was too painful.

But right now, I believe that this is the time that I need to have hope.