I didn’t sleep again. I felt tired but when I close my eyes, I’m afraid to have the same nightmare to flash before my eyes, so I stayed awake. I looked at Jaejoong sleeping peacefully. I’m envious of him. Unlike me, he would always have a good night sleep every night.

I felt thirsty. I got up and went towards the cabin where the refreshments were served. I’m impressed with how the NIS private plane provides these features. When I got there, I was surprised that the cabin wasn’t empty.

“Yang Sajang-nim…” I said.

“It’s okay. We’re alone here. You can call me… anything you want.” he said.

I just stared at him and didn’t say anything. I headed towards the refrigerator and served myself a drink. I sat on the chair in front of him.

“Why are you awake?” he asked. I was taken aback with how he started the conversation.

“Same as you, why are you awake?” I asked back.

“I couldn’t sleep. I assume you couldn’t too.”

“I refused to sleep,” I said plainly. He looked curious but I didn’t continue talking.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I stared at him. What did he just eat? I think he’s drunk. Why would he be asking these questions if he isn’t? For almost 20 years, he never asked what’s wrong with me. He never asked what I’m thinking about. He never asked if I was alright. I didn’t expect him to. After all, he’s just my adoptive father. It’s already too kind of him to take me in. I can’t expect him to do the role and responsibilities of a father to a daughter. He’s just too busy with work.

“Are you really asking that?” I asked. For a while, he looked furious but his expression suddenly softened. So I changed my mind and continued. “I had a nightmare.”

He scoffed. I glared at him.

“You’re too old for that, Agent Dara. Why are you still having nightmares?”

My grip tightened on the glass.

“Do you want to talk about your nightmare?”

Once again, I was taken aback and I loosened my grip on the glass. For a while, he sounded like a caring father. I was craving for this moment. I guess I have to grab the opportunity. “I’ve dreamt of my family’s murder again.”

He pounded his fist on the table. “Not this again, Agent Dara.”

My grip tightened again on the glass. I was too dumb to think he would act like a caring father.

“You have been holding onto this past. Why can’t you just let go of the past, Agent Dara?! I thought working under me would let you forget of the past! Why can’t you just-“

He got cut off when the glass I was holding onto got crushed into pieces. Although I can see blood gushing out of the wounds, I felt numb. I didn’t feel pain. I didn’t feel the warm blood that kept on pouring out to the carpeted floor when I dropped my hand on my side. His eyes were wide while staring at my bleeding hand.

“WHY?!” I shouted, finally finding my voice. “OF ALL PEOPLE, I EXPECTED YOU AND JAE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH!” I panted. “I have been living with the past stuck in my mind for almost twenty years! If not with the past, I wouldn’t have worked in this agency! If not because of the past, I wouldn’t be fighting for other people’s justices! I wouldn’t be working my off just to see criminals spending all of their lives behind bars! It’s all because of the past! It’s all because I wanted to avenge my family’s murderous death! Why are you insisting, then, that I have to let go of the past? Do you want me to quit my job?! If it would make you happier, don’t worry I’ll quit this work if I have already let go of the past! But not now, not sooner!”

I panted. I glared at him but I can’t seem to read his expression. I decided to leave so I turned.

“Agent Dara…” he said, making me stop in my tracks.

I turned to him once again. “Tell me, Sajang-nim. Have you ever thought for once that you have adopted me as your daughter? Have you once thought of doing the responsibilities a father has? I was too dumb to expect that you would fulfill those responsibilities, Sajang-nim. I was a fool to expect that for once, you would call me as your daughter. I was a fool to expect you to ask me how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. I wanted to feel a father’s love. I was craving for that for almost twenty years. Yet, I haven’t felt any of that,” I paused. “Can you tell me for once, DAD? Can you tell me the exact reason why you decided to take me in when you found me under the bed, crying in the darkness while my family’s bodies were swimming with their own blood? I want to know the reason! Was it out of kindness? Were you just so kind that you couldn’t take a little girl crying alone? Or was it out of pity? Did you pity me because I’m the sole survivor of my family? Or was it out of fear? Fear that I would turn out to be a murderer so that I could avenge my family’s death? Are you really that role model I used to look up to the moment you carried me in your arms? I wanted to know. For almost twenty years, I have been thinking of those things. For almost twenty years…”

Seeing that he wouldn’t answer because he was too speechless with my sudden outburst, I finally left. When I got out from the cabin, I saw the other agents who just straightened up as if they haven’t heard anything. I assumed that they eavesdropped. I glared at them and headed to our cabin.
“You’re awake,” I said, noticing Jaejoong.

“You woke up the whole agents,” he said.

“I’m sleeping then,” I said.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m too tired to talk,” I said, lying on my bed.

“You’re bleeding,” he said. I heard the panic in his voice.

The next thing I knew, I felt him grabbing my hand and treating my wounds. But as I said, I was tired, so I fell asleep.

“WAKE UP, DARAAAA!” it was Jaejoong.

I jumped out of my bed. “WHY?!” I panicked. “Where’s my gun?! What’s the trouble?! Give me my gun!”

Jaejoong laughed. “I have been waking you up for a while now. You don’t want to make your student wait on their first day, do you?”

I got confused, and then I got it. “WHAT?! It’s the first day of school today?!”

“YUP! Hurry up and go change to your uniform. The plane’s about to land.”

I hate living normally. Like what Sajang-nim said when we started as agents, we have to keep our identity hidden and to live a normal life like other people so they wouldn’t wonder how we earn money like this much. As a consequence, I worked as a teacher on a High School. Jaejoong works as a manager of a café. The other agents are working too – they worked as clerks, doctors, nurses, bookkeepers, waiters, even janitors.

Because there was a delay of landing, I arrived at school late. The opening ceremony just ended and like the annual tradition, the principal is going to talk to the teachers for the room assignments and class schedules. So by now, I expect them to be on their classes now. But when I arrived at the faculty room, the teachers are still there, the principal in front of them.

“MISS PARK!” the principal scolded. “WHY ARE YOU LATE?!”

“I… i…”

“Never mind!” he said. “Anyway, since Mrs. Lee is on a maternity leave, there will be a substitute teacher. But I guess, like Miss Park, he’s late too. So, moving on, here are your room assignments and your schedules.”

When he handed mine, he looked at my bandaged right hand.

“What happened to your hand?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said.

“How could you not know?!” he scolded again. “Anyway, look at your face. I admit, you look young most of the time but you don’t want your students to see you as haggard as you are today, right? Go and apply some makeup.”

I stomped out of the faculty room as the other teachers went to their respective rooms. I headed to the comfort room to apply some light makeup. This is what I hate with this school. They want us to look like clowns. Nevertheless, I only applied some light makeup.

When I finally finished, I stepped out of the comfort room when someone bumped into me. I was thrown to the ground but the person didn't even turn to help me or even apologize. Aish! People these days! He looked like he was in a hurry. Since he was running so fast, I couldn’t see his face. But when he faced a particular room which looked like his room assignment, I was able to catch his face. Hah! I’m going to remember that face! I assumed that he’s the substitute teacher.

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TEASER:

I hate being watched like this. As an agent, I'm used to watching people from afar, spying them, following them wherever they go, and the likes. But, what is this feeling? I just hate how he smirks like that and that annoying amused expression on his face while he watches me. I cant concentrate for Pete's Sakes! It's okay, Dara! Just pretend he's not there! I convinced myself.

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