That night, I felt guilt creeping up inside of me.

                I’ve been saying nothing but mean things to him ever since we started talking, and I actually know it but I couldn’t stop. Talking to him ignites the buried weight I have veiled over the years. I don’t even have anything to justify that.

                I didn’t even say anything after his confession. I… I didn’t even apologize.

                The dizziness prompted me to fall asleep, and Sehee woke me up the next morning. “Hey, we’re leaving soon. Get ready so we can grab breakfast. I need to change your bandage too.”

                “Ah.” I sit down, hugging my knees beneath the blanket. “Right. A minute.”

                Sehee is packing up her things as I take out a small box containing what I need for bandage change, and our other roommate, Junghyun, looks at my covered arm. “Joo Dana, no offense, but I can’t stand looking at blood or wounds. I’ll go out earlier, okay?”

                I nod. “Yeah, go ahead.”

                After Junghyun closed the door, I glanced at Sehee. I feel like I acquired a timing.

                “Hey, Hong Sehee.”

                “Hm?”

                “I really want to talk about something.”

                “What? What is it? Something juicy?” Sehee quickly goes to my side.

                “Help me with my arm first, I’ll talk after that.”

                Sehee can’t stop exclaiming how she can’t wait about what I want to talk about, and I silently contemplate. I just need someone to share this with.

                “Okay, finished. A bit sloppy, but not bad.” Sehee observes her work. She sets aside the equipment, and climbs the bed to sit with me. “So what is it?”

                I make patterns with my fingers on the bed cover, and fold my lips. “Firstly, don’t tell anyone.”

                “That’s like the default unwritten rule. Continue.”

                I open my mouth a bit, and take a deep breath. “It’s about me and Kim Jongin.”

                Sehee’s eyes widen in excitement. “You and Kim Jongin? Why? Did something happen?”

                “Truthfully, I… I kind of… Know him.”

                “What? Since when?”

                My throat strangely feels choked now of all times, and I cough. “So… It was in the second grade of middle school. We were 15 years old at that time.”

                Sehee’s eyebrows start to move.

                “Ever heard of arranged marriage?”

                Sehee’s blank eyes widen, and she covers with one hand. “Dana?!”

                I hang my head down. “Yeah, that’s the outline of this.”

                “Oh my God, so are you married to him right now?!”

                “No, no, no. Wait, I’m not finished.” I raise my palms. “Calm down first.”

                Sehee puts down her hand, and fans herself with the other one. “You little—“

                “I’ll continue. This is not what you’re thinking.” I lightly hit her knee. “We are the failed example of that thing.”

                Sehee furrows her brows. I take another deep breath, and clear my throat.

                “How would a 15 year-old kid react to an arranged marriage? I freaked out. I didn’t know much about the other party, but there was no way he didn’t react. My parents were in a breakdown too. They thought my grandfather was crazy. He made that promise with a longtime friend, to wed their grandchildren of similar age.

                “We thought he was joking, at first. But he was serious. I was thinking long and hard about why that could happen to me. I didn’t know that thing existed in real life. My grandfather was a regular office worker, the other family ran a culinary business—such ordinary families. But my grandfather insisted on his friendship’s loyalty. It didn’t make sense to me.

                “I was haunted by images of my youth being stripped away, to spend the rest of my life with someone I didn’t even know. I still had to go to school. Play with my friends, date, basically have fun… Could I do that if I got married? My grandfather proposed that it would be done after I became an adult, but I still refused. It was too frightening for me. I didn’t want to do that. Period.

                “So it was the day where the families would meet… And I had told my parents and grandfather that I’d threaten to do something if the meeting continued. I said… I’d kill myself.”

                Sehee raises her eyebrows.

                “To be honest, I wasn’t really serious about it. I thought that they would stop after I made that threat. But they didn’t. So when Kim Jongin’s family arrived, I hid somewhere and attempted to make my wrist bleed. Just a bit. But…” I purse my lips, and blink. “My hand slipped. I cut my skin longer than I expected. Blood was pouring out.”

                I roll up my sleeve, and show Sehee a fading, but visible thread-like scar on my left wrist. Sehee looks at it emptily with slightly open.

                “I was brought to the hospital, and Kim Jongin’s family came along too. He was watching as I lay there on the hospital bed.”

Someone wanted to die because of me.

                Jongin’s voice echoes inside my head, and I take a shaky deep breath. Sehee looks at me again with a flustered face I never saw from her.

                “And somehow, after that incident in the campus, we reenacted that scene in the hospital. Those same big eyes looking… The same bloody me.”

                I see Sehee fidgets uneasily in front of me, probably trying to make sense of it. “Wait… You must have met him a lot in school, right?! We see him a lot in the cafeteria, and I even asked you about him that time!”

                “Yeah. I’ve been pretending not to see him for the last two years. And I think he’s doing the same thing, so it’s good for us. As long as our families don’t know, then nothing can happen.”

                Sehee shakes her head slowly. “You… Whoa… Joo Dana…”

                “Yesterday, he confronted me about feeling like the one at fault. After thinking about it, he’s right. He didn’t even do anything, but I kept being mean to him. Now I don’t know how to apologize.”

                “You? Being mean? How?”

                “You may not know, but every time we meet, I always say something so hostile to him. I don’t know—“ I rub my face. “When I see him, I just feel riled up.”

                “Now what are you going to do?”

                “Don’t you have any idea?”

                Sehee grabs my shoulders. “First of all—“ she starts shaking my body violently. “Don’t you regret turning him down?!”

                “What?”

                “Look at him right now! Look at that face! I’d throw myself at him if I could!”

                I shake off her hands, and throw a pillow at her. “I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

                “On a more serious note…” Sehee fixes her hair. “Well, I never expected this from you, Dana. For the apology thing, you are a brave and honest—sometimes overly truthful—woman, so if you want to go say sorry, you should do that fast. By the way, does your family know?”

                “I don’t think they do.” I quickly lie.

                “Then good, you’ll just continue to live in peace again after it. Right?”

                I slowly nod. Sehee jumps off the bed, and walks around the room. “My own friend… I don’t even know this… Wow.”

                “Help me if you can, okay?” I set my feet on the floor. Sehee nods, but then shakes her head again as she mouths ‘crazy’. I smile, and follow her outside for breakfast.

                Some time later, everyone is preparing to go home in the parking area, and the students from International Studies are also taking off. I notice Jongin waiting for his turn to get in the car, and he catches me looking.

                He gives me a curt nod, and looks away. I turn my sight to the snowy ground and keep my head down until the car leaves.

*

Guys Peaches is out and it's so GOOD