I clench my jaw. “When did I say that?”

               “When we were still on the table. I cracked some lame jokes but you laughed anyway. We were talking about nothing specific, just having a good time. And you said that. I was feeling great, too. Then we drank more. I also did not remember what happened outside.”

               “Well, I -” I swallow. “We did have a good time. I was happy.”

               “So what’s the truth? You said that, but stated a different thing in the morning. I thought we’d be awkward for a second, eventually laugh it out and continue our day. Didn’t know you took it that bad.”

               “I was just shocked when I saw it. I really didn’t mean what I said”

               Jongin looks at me flatly. “My offer still stands. Let’s not meet again, if that makes you happy.”

               I feel my chest tighten uncomfortably. We were doing really well as friends, but my damn mouth ruined everything. “No, I don’t want that.” I breathe out.

               “What did you say?”

               “I don’t want that.” I repeat with all my strength. “Forgive me, and let’s be friends again.”

               Jongin puts both of his elbows on the table. “Are you sure?”

               I nod. “I’ll do better.”

               Jongin tilts his head a bit. “You’re really a fascinating kid, aren’t you?”

               “Huh?”

               “Speaking about the kiss… Do you possibly like me? We tend to be more honest under the influence, don’t we?”

               My eyes widen. “What - I - that, no I -”

               “Or maybe you’re just lonely? Want me to introduce you to my friends? I’ll pick the decent ones.”

               My lips part. “Wow, I wish I had something to throw at you right now.”

               Jongin grins, and stands up. “Either way, tell me.” he opens the door and takes one last glance at me. “Bye, friend.”

               He disappears, and I’m sitting silently on my seat. So I guess he accepted my apology?

               I’m tidying my stuff and getting ready to leave the room when my phone beeps, and it’s from Jongin.

Here’s to a fresh start of our friendship. Probably one ground rule: no drinking for now.

               I stretch my neck to see the ceiling, and groan. He’s going to talk about this forever.

*

               A few weeks later, Hyein asks me to have a meal with her on a weekend. Since getting my number from Jongin around the time of Grandpa’s funeral, she’s been occasionally texting me albeit having no particular subject. She’s an absolute sweetheart, her messages are always filled with warmth and genuine care. It must be nice to have a sibling.

               Hyein told me to meet her at a traditional Korean restaurant in a quiet region which is surprisingly not too far away from the urban noise, and it’s surrounded by leafless trees. The wooden exterior relays a warm feeling to people who see, reminding people of the peak of spring even though it’s ending soon.

               “Dana!” she’s been waiting at the entrance, and welcomes me with a hug. “Let’s go, I’ve reserved a nice table. I’ve asked Jongin, but I don’t know if he’d come.”

               I’ve expected that she’d bring him too, so it’s not really surprising. The waiter leads us to a table by the window that shows the backyard view of various green plants and a fish pond. It’s really calming.

               We’re now both seated and Hyein taps the table with her palms. “Well, since our topics so far can only circle around Jongin or what happened between our families, I’ll try not to make this uncomfortable.”

               “It’s okay, unni. As you can see, I’m friends with Jongin now. One that can drop by his place to use the toilet.” I add in a flat laugh, and Hyein follows with a snicker.

               “Ah, yes, that time. I was at my parents’, and dropped by Jongin’s before picking up some traditional medicine on the way home.” she looks down at her lap. “For fertility.”

               I my lips. “I heard from Jongin, and I’m sorry to hear that. Are you okay now?”

               She lifts her head up again and smiles. “Yes, yes. We’re trying our best.”

               “I hope everything goes well. Later, after you give birth, can I go see the baby?”

               “Are you kidding? I’ll bombard you with calls if you aren’t coming.”

               We both laugh, and the food comes. Wait - we haven’t even ordered yet. “Unni, why - ?”

               She’s in the middle of excitedly scooping up some chicken, and comes into realization. “Ah! Haven’t I told you? This belongs to our family. I’ve prepared the best ones beforehand. Or do you want to see the menu?”

               My mouth gapes, then I recall some info from a long time ago. “Right… Culinary business.”

               “I’m managing this branch. So don’t worry, order whatever you like. By the way, where’s Jongin?”

               “Um… You messaged him, right? Did he reply?”

               “He didn’t. Can you call him?”

               “Oh…” I reluctantly take my phone out. “Wait.”

               I haven’t texted or called Jongin recently, and I’m actually feeling nervous as the dialing tone is heard.

               “Hello?”

               I’m pinching my pants when his voice is heard. “Hi. Did you get Hyein unni’s message?”

               “Oh, right, I got distracted before replying. I’m currently preparing for an event with my major so I think I couldn’t make it.”

               “Is that so? Well then… Good luck.”

               “Sorry. Have fun, you two. Let’s have a meal next time, with or without my sister.”

               My head goes blank all of a sudden, followed by an abnormal, drum-like pounding from my chest. “...okay.”

               “What did he say?” Hyein asks.

               I tell her Jongin’s reason while silently attempting to stay calm. Hyein sighs, and piles food on my plate. “What can we do, then. Let’s just eat.”

               “You two must be extremely close.”

               “Not to that extent.” Hyein laughs. “I’m just fortunate to have a nice brother. He takes care of people around him well, unconditionally. Sometimes it’s me who’s demanding something, but often he’s the one who does a lot by his own initiative. It makes me want to do the same for him.”

               She’s right. Come to think of it, he’s done so much to me. What have I done to him in return?

               And sometimes, what he does makes my heart flutter -

               My heartbeat suddenly starts rising again. What is it? What did I just think about?

*

               “Aigoo, we should’ve gone earlier.” Sehee fans herself with a lecture handbook as we’re sitting in the cafeteria one summer day. “It’s scorching in here. Is the AC broken or something?”

               “There are just too many people.” I look around. “See, everyone from the faculty is here.”

               Sehee’s eyes are following something, and I turn my head to see. Jongin is entering with a girl, and they seem chummy with each other. I’m looking at them longer than I’m supposed to be.

               “There’s your boy. Ooh, he’s with someone. Did anything happen after that time you told me in the library?” Sehee asks.

               Jongin spots me, and he raises a hand to wave shortly. I reply with a smile, and get back to my lunch. “We remain friends. I hung out with his sister, visited his family’s eatery, and talked to him just fine. Everything’s good.”

               “Nothing more?”

               “Being friends doesn’t mean I need to meet or communicate all the time.” I shake my head.

               “About what you told me that time, was the kiss really a mistake? Was it possibly deep down from your heart?”

               “Sehee, please, it’s been months. If I did that because I liked him, I should have done next measures.”

               “Maybe your pride and denial get in the way.”

               The spicy soup stings more than it should be in my mouth, and I struggle to push it down my throat. “No chance, Sehee.”

               “Then why did you look at them like that?”

               “Like what?”

               Sehee shrugs, and continues to check her phone. I stealthily peek at Jongin and the girl again who are at a nearby table. They’re talking, and Jongin is laughing widely with his nose crunched and teeth on display. Having a good time, aren’t you?

               The heat starts to seep into my head, but it’s not from the sun.