[9]

 

Who I Am

 

“Drink?” I looked up from my feet to face Jae Joong who held out a can of grape soda from the vending machine. I thanked him and returned to fiddling with my cell phone. If they needed me, they would call right?

 

“So how’s Korea so far?” He asked as we wandered the empty audience bleachers. 

 

“It’s alright. I’m still behind with my Korean though. Other than that, it’s boring.” I replied, taking a sip of the soda.

 

“Really? Young Saeng told me that you were fitting in recently but he said you didn’t like the entertainment business.” Jae Joong replied as he leaned on the back of a chair, facing me. There was no denying, he was gorgeous. 

 

“It seems like all of you think it’s a piece of cake being a 14 year old living in a house with 5 other guys.” I replied with a hint of sarcasm.

 

“Oh yeah, you’re only 14. Why ARE you still living with them? You’re rich aren’t you? Can’t you just buy your own house? Or have you gotten used to it already?”

 

I chuckled. “ I wish it was that simple. The entertainment business is not something I can ever get used to but yes, I’ve begun getting used to these guys…well four of them anyways.”

 

“Young Saeng is the off one right?” He replied as if answering to his own inside joke. “I don’t know if he told you, but you—“

 

“Look just like his ex-girlfriend when they first met? You knew her?”

 

He nodded. “Beautiful woman, just like you. I met her in the beginning of our trainee days, me and Saeng were under the same company at that time. Back then, they had already gone out for a few months and even though Saeng was always busy, he treasured her with all his heart. He was always there for her but she abandoned him when he needed her most. The last few months pre-debut for both our groups, their relationship was shaky. She ended it not long after he debuted.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I heard this story before but Young Saeng had never been in depth about it. It all made sense, the reason he hid me away from the camera the day of “Thanks for Raising Me.” The reason why whenever he looked at me, his eyes were filled with sorrow. The reason why he denies my existence but doesn’t let me go.

 

“I…”

 

“Jae, that’s enough.” A voice said. I recognized it too soon, I didn’t know how to face him. Not now, not ever. As he made his way towards us, I found myself hiding behind Jae Joong. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.

 

“Saeng, why’re you here?” Jae Joong asked casually.

 

“Because of this brat--…if you see Min Hee tell her I was looking for her and that we’re leaving in 5 minutes.” 

 

‘What? What was that? He’s denying my existence again? Why did he just pretend that I wasn’t here in the first place?’ He walked away. ‘Was I supposed to follow him?’

 

“I dunno what…I—“ I didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

 

“Go after him.” Jae Joong’s voice commanded. I didn’t allow myself to look back as I fought to catch up with Young Saeng. I didn’t know which way to run but simply sprinted in whichever direction seemed right. And he was there, making his way down the hall. 

 

“Y…” My voice didn’t sound. ‘Shout.’ I commanded to myself. “S-S…” I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. ‘Didn’t he hear me running? Why isn’t he turning around?’ 

 

“H-Heo Young Saeng!” I threw my arms around his waist as I rest my head on his back.

 

“I-I. I won’t leave.” I fought to sustain my breath as I raced to spit all the words out. “Please, please don’t be in anymore pain because I won’t leave you. No matter how much torture or pain I go through, I won’t leave you. So please don’t be sad. If it’s possible, please allow me to be by your side forever.”

 

“I don’t need your pity.” He mumbled but he didn’t attempt to dislodge my grasp. 

 

“Saeng…I…”

 

“You what? Don’t worry about it. I won’t force you to stay anymore, you can come and go as you like. All women are the same.” That hit a nerve. 

 

“Didn’t I tell you from day one that I am who am?!” I growled as I turned him around to face me. “I can’t believe you would lump me in with all the others. I told you already, I am NOT your ex-lover! I am not the same shallow girl you fell in love with who is evidently the one that puts you in pain through this day. Is it that hard to believe in me?”

 

He didn’t answer but simply remained frozen on spot.

 

“Answer me dammit! What did I ever do to make you hate me so much? Is it the face? Because really, trust is something you learn to accept on your own but why aren’t you believing me? Was it something I did? I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry your girlfriend broke up with you and I’m sorry my being beside you puts you in pain but if it’s about the looks, the honestly you need to get your brains checked. I am ME. And I won’t leave you. Regardless how much pain I go through, no matter your situation, I WILL be there for you.”

 

“So take me as I am, not your ex-girlfriend. Young Saeng…won’t you trust me?”

 

The pain in his eyes remained unscathed but it was fogged up by a sense of gratitude and acceptance.

 

“The others are waiting.” He said quietly as he turned down the hall, grabbing my hand in his. We didn’t take many steps before my vision blurred as I muffled a yawn. I began stumbling behind not long after.

 

“What time is it?” I asked him. He turned to look at me in concern.

 

“Almost 3 in the morning.” He answered. Without another word, he swept me off my feet just as my knees buckled below me. “Go to sleep now. We’re almost at the car.” 

 

I nodded and dozed off for a brief moment, memorizing the warmth that radiated off of him.

 

I barely remembered the process of being loaded into the car before darkness engulfed me as I fell asleep in his arms.

 

---

 

July 31st, 2010

 

Honestly, I woke up convinced that last night was all a dream. But gradually it all came back to me. I had seen a whole new side of Young Saeng, learned more about him than I though I would ever know. Gradually now, I’ve become thankful for this experience as my hatred for celebrities is beginning to fade.

 

In a few days is Hyung Joonie’s birthday. We’re still taking time planning stuff for him. I think though, that maybe this was a good sign. Jae Joong was right. I was finally getting used to this life.