I walked home after I finished my food and my cries. It was so embarrassing. Everyone there was watching me like I was crazy or something. Stupid ~~~~~~~! Why are you crying while eating your food like that huh? Now I never ever will ever again have the guts to go to that café again. And I couldn’t taste their wonderful cheese cake again! And the Brown Sugar Macchiato too! Even though I was crying like an idiot, I’m still able to appreciate how the food tastes. Maybe I’m sad, but you just GOT to enjoy good food. Food is one thing that really cures the pain in your heart. So the moral of the story is, appreciate your food.

“I’m home!” I announced as I walked in.

“……………….” The whole people in the room stared at me like I was dinosaur eating ice-cream.

“What’s up with you guys?!”

“Nothing!” All of them quickly looked away. Ok. Weird!

“Hum? I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want to know. I’m tired, sweaty and I smelled like Jaejoong’s socks so please don’t disturb me if there isn’t anything important for you to say”, and I just walked towards my room to clean up and get some rest.

I tried to sleep after that but every time I closed my eyes, Yunho’s face appeared. Damn! This is so not helping. Please, just please go away for a while Yunho. I need some rest. After that if you want to disturb me, you can do it. But now, just please let me rest. There’s just too much stuff on my mind right now. Can’t you just let me rest for a while? Even a few minutes, it’s already enough for me.

I sighed. No use begging like an idiot to myself like this. I just couldn’t rest. Not even a bit. I stood up and was about to walked out when I heard voices of Yoochun oppa and Jaejoong oppa talking outside of my room. Something inside me told me that I should hear their conversation so I did. It was a good idea because they were talking about me. Hum! Why do I have a feeling that they are hiding something from me?

“What should we do?” Yoochun asked.

“I really don’t know”, I heard Jaejoong sighed. What’s wrong?

“Should we tell ~~~~~~~~?” Tell me what Yoochun oppa?

“I really don’t know Yoochun! If we do, then she will get hurt. But she has the rights to know.”

“We can’t keep this from here.”

“I know! Aish! Why does Yunho have to do it here?” My heart skipped a beat when I heard the word Yunho. I quickly ran out.

“~~~~~~~~-ah!” The both of them looked shock to see me there.

“Yunho oppa is here? Where is he?” At that moment, I don’t know anything other than I want to see Yunho. He was my only priority.

“~~~~~~~~”, Jaejoong walked closer to me and hold my hand. Then he gazes straight into my eyes.

“Please, ignore it. Act as if you never hear anything. Please. I’m begging you ~~~~~~~-ah”, I could see that Jaejoong really don’t want me to see Yunho. But why?

“Just these once, listen to oppa, arasseo?”

“Andwea oppa! I need to see him. I have to or else I’m going to loose my mind”, this heart can’t stand it anymore. It needs to see him. That’s the only way for me to stop this longing.

“You’re going to loose more then your mind if you go and see him!” Yoochun was so serious.

“I don’t care. I only need to see him. Nothing else matter anymore oppa. I can’t bear this longing anymore. It’s killing me inside. This was harder then before. I felt like my heart will burst out if I don’t see him soon”, even if I have to trade it with my own life, I’ll do it. As long as I can see Yunho, I don’t mind it.

“~~~~~~~~, listen to me. If I tell you this, would you promise me that you will never go and see him?” I looked up at Jaejoong.

“That is something I’ll never be able to promise.”

“Why? Why ~~~~~~~~-ah?!” Yoochun seemed to lose his tempered.

“Because he’s a part of me. After he left, apart of me left with him too. If I don’t find that part of me soon, I’ll die.”

“Then go find your other half! See if you’ll be able to live after that!” Yoochun just stormed out.

“What’s wrong with him huh?!” I just don’t get it!

“~~~~~~~, listen to me. Yunho…..he’s…..he’s….” Jaejoong can’t seem to finish his sentence.

“What is it oppa? Just tell me! I can handle it”, I’ve been handling way too much pain before this and I’m sure another one won’t bother me too much.

“~~~~~~~….” Jaejoong take a deep breath.

“Yunho is getting married here at Jeju Resort (made up) with Seul Ki.”

“……………………………………………………………”

Slowly, I turned around and walked into my room. There I sat for a while on the bed trying to digest everything that Jaejoong just said to me.

Yunho getting married with Seul Ki at Jeju Resort?

Yunho getting married with Seul Ki at Jeju Resort?

Yunho getting married with Seul Ki at Jeju Resort?

Yunho getting married with Seul Ki at Jeju Resort?

The words keep repeating itself inside of my mind. Suddenly my whole body aches. I didn’t know what’s going on anymore. My whole world felt like it was spinning so fast that I feel like fainting but before anything happen, I quickly get a grip of myself. What am I doing? I said I’ll be happy if Yunho’s happy. Then I shouldn’t be like this. I should go there, see him and help him if he needs help. That way, I can make sure that he’ll be happy and I’ll be happy for him. Yes! I will be happy if he’s happy. I should go! I should!

Quickly I took my stuff and shove it into my hand bag and ran out. As I arrived in the living room, I saw Taeyang’s already ready waiting for me. I smiled. He’s always there when I need him. “Need a ride?” Taeyang took out his car keys. “Yes.” “Gaja!” And both of us walked out and slid in the car he ranted for our vacation in Jeju. I didn’t even have to tell him where we’re going, he already know where to go. I’m really glad Taeyang is here with me. If I was alone, I think I might kill myself in the end. Having him here ensures that I won’t do anything stupid.

Both of us quickly ran towards the lobby as we arrived at the resort. After asking the receptionist where Yunho’s wedding will be held at, we quickly ran towards the place. Our steps stopped as we encounter Sunny who was there with Jessica looking all worried and stressed. “~~~~~~~!!” Their eyes widened as they saw me there. I take that as they know what’s going on. Actually, I think everyone knows except for me.

“What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here!” Sunny got panic.

“Taeyang, take ~~~~~~~ home now!” Jessica ordered Taeyang.

“Sorry but I think this time, ~~~~~~~ needs to handle everything on her own. That’s the only way she’ll be able to move on”, I looked at Taeyang and mounted a thank you. He always understands my needs.

“Guys, relax! I’ll be fine. I mean I’ve been through a lot and I think another pain won’t hurt me that much anymore”, I assured my two girl bestfriend. They looked at each other and sighed.

“You know what’s best for yourself so go for it!” Jessica smiled trying to give me her strength.

“Thanks.”

“~~~~~~~, if it hurts too much, just walk out. Don’t force yourself arasseo?” Sunny sounded like my umma now.

“Arasseoyo umma!” I tapped her shoulder.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“In the wedding hall.”

“I’ll go and see him than. Wish me luck guys!” I took deep breath and started walking towards the wedding hall.

To be truth, I was scared. Really scared. I’m not sure how the pain will be and I’m not sure if I can endure it. But like Taeyang said, I need to handle everything on my on. That’s the only way I’ll be able to move on. Living like this pretending that’s everything is fine when everything is not is really painful. I couldn’t keep it up any longer. I need to end it as fast as I could. The faster, the better.

I looked at the entrance door of the wedding hall. Somehow I could let myself pull the door open. It was just too hard. Like there was an electric current running on the door waiting to strike me. My heart was beating so fast. I could feel my face palling up. Otteokaju? Should I just go back and act as if nothing happens? No! I shouldn’t. This must end now! Don’t live in a complete pretending anymore ~~~~~~~-ah. Let Yunho go with open heart. That’s the real ~~~~~~~ would do. You did it with Jaejoong, I’m sure you’ll be able to do it with Yunho.

After taking a few deep, DEEP breathe, I pulled the door and walked in. The wedding hall wasn’t that big but it was elegantly design. Suit for a wedding of a king and queen. I smiled. This is how I wish my wedding hall will be like when I get married if I ever get married. To think about it, probably I’ll never ever get married. I mean just look at me right now. I’m a complete mess. Every time I fall in love, it’s always a one-sided love. Maybe I’m fated to be single and lonely forever.

“~~~~~~~-ah?” My heart almost stopped beating when I heard that voice calling for my name again. How much I miss that voice. Slowly I turned around and smiled.

“Hi oppa!” I even managed to make myself wave happily at him. I’m such a good actress.

“What-what are you doing here?” He seemed shock to see me here. I don’t blame him. Even I’m shock that I was able to be here smiling happily at him when earlier today, I cried because I miss him badly.

“To see you and congratulate you on your wedding. Also, I’m here to help around”, I said as if it didn’t hurt me at all.

“I….I….” I shook my head and walked towards him.

“Gwenchana oppa. I understand. No need to feel bad for me.”

“But….”

“No but! Just focus on your wedding ok?” Again I smiled again. If Yunho was Jaejoong, he already caught me lying but he wasn’t Jaejoong. He’s Yunho. Thank God he’s Yunho!

“So when’s the wedding?” I asked cheerfully.

“Next week.”

“Wow! That’s late! I taught maybe tomorrow or something.”

“Why do you think like that?”

“Because everything looks ready”, actually, it’s because how everyone except Taeyang acted. Like it’ll happen tomorrow or right now!

“Oh!” He just looked away feeling more and more guilty. I sighed. Why is he acting this way? It’ll be harder for me.

“Oppa…” I softly pulled his face up so that our eyes will meet.

“I’m fine. Can’t you see? I’m ok with it. Don’t make this harder for me. Please”, it’ll be a lie if I say that I wasn’t on the verge if tears but I managed to control it.

“Mianhae ~~~~~~~~-ah.”

“It’s not your fault. I was the one who choose to get hurt.”

“No. it was my fault. I’m the one who keep bringing pain in your life.”

“No. yes you bring pain inside of my life but still, the pain can’t compare with the happiness you have bring inside of my life. If it wasn’t because of you, I would probably still loving Jaejoong and hurt more people then ever!”

“~~~~~~~~….”

“Oppa, just let it go ok?” I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yes!”

“Gomawo ~~~~~~~~-ah.”

“Eh?”

“Thank you for letting me be happy.” I smiled hearing his words.

“People say that when the one you love is happy, you’ll be happy as well. I’m searching for happiness right now and the only way to achieve it is by seeing you happy.”

“No matter what happen next, please remember that I’m always here”, he pointed at my chest “and you’re always here”, he pointed at his chest.

“I know! Now tell me where’s the bride so I can congratulate her”, just as I said that, I heard footstep walking in the wedding hall.

“~~~~~~~?” Here comes the bride!

“Seul Ki unnie!” I turned around and smiled.

“You’re here!” She suddenly hugged me.

“Uh!” I was so shocked by her actions. We do know each other but we’re not that close so why is she acting like she just found her long lost bestfriend when she see me?

“I taught I never see you again”, she said as we broke the hugged.

“I have so much to say to you.”

“Really? You do?”

“Yes. First thing first, gomawo!”

“Eh?” Why is everyone saying thank you to me today?

“Yunho told me that it was you who gave him strength to live on after we moved to America. Also it was you who helped him through his everyday life. Gomawo ~~~~~~~-ah!” And she hugged me again. I looked at Yunho. He just smiled innocently.

“You have to be my bride’s maid!” Seul Ki suddenly screamed as she walked towards Yunho and slipped her hand around Yunho’s waist. If she wasn’t his future wife, I would kill here right here, right now.

“W-what?”

“Be my bride’s maid. Please ~~~~~~~-ah. I want you to be my bride’s maid. You’re the only one that’s fit for that position.”

“I’m honor that you picked me but I think Sunny and Jooyeon unnie should do it”, you are closer to them anyway.

“No! I want you! Please…..please….” And she pulled out her puppy look which I can’t resist. Ah! Damn!

“Arasseo! I’ll do it”, I said unwillingly but still smiling.

“Yes! Again, gomawo ~~~~~~~-ah!”

“It’s nothing.”

“Um, I need to go and meet my umma. You guys chat a little more arasseo?”

“Arasseo”, Yunho nodded.

“Bye!” And she walked away leaving me and Yunho all alone again.

“Um…. I’ll be going than!” What more should I do right.

“Wait!” Yunho suddenly hold my hand.

“Wea yo oppa?” I looked up at him.

“Gaja!”

“To where?”

“Just follow me.”

And Yunho dragged me to the car park where we slid in his car. Then he drove the car towards somewhere I don’t know where. Since I was dead tired, I ended up sleeping soundly in the car. When he’s next to me, it easy for me to rest. I know that now he’s here, I could finally sleep and ease my mind for a while.

I don’t know how long I’ve been sleeping but when I woke up, I was no longer in the car. I was lying on a bed inside a house I’m not sure whose. I quickly tood up as I realized this is not my house. Where am I? I quickly looked around and saw Yunho sleeping soundly on the couch near the bed I was lying on. Poor him. He must be dead tired. I walked towards him and cover him with a blanket.

After that I took out my phone. OMG! 200 MISSED CALLS?! I checked who’s the caller and most of them came from Yoochun and Jaejoong. Few from the others. They must be dead worry about me. I quickly called Jooyeon unnie to tell her I’m fine. If I call Jaejoong or Yoochun, they might nag so the best way is to call unnie. She’s much better then those two guys. And she can handle the two of them which helps me a lot.

“Yeobosayo.”

“Unnie. Naya!”

“~~~~~~~-ah!” God she can scream!

“Unnie! Tone down a bit! I’m not deaf you know!”

“Mian. Eodiya? Everyone’s busy searching for you do you know that huh?” She sounded really worried. If she’s acting this way, Yoochun and Jaejoong probably freaking out right now. Aish! I’m so dead when I get home.

“I know unnie. I’m with Yunho right now.”

“Why didn’t you answer you‘re phone or call us to inform us?”

“I was asleep unnie.”

“Aish! Jaejoong and Yoochun are planning to lodge a police report if you didn’t call them in 24 hours.”

“What?! You better tell them I’m fine. There’s nothing to be worry about. Yunho is here with me.”

“Where is he? Can I talk to him?”

“He’s asleep. I don’t want to wake him up. He looks so tired unnie. It must be really hard for him to endure the guilt he has inside of him.”

“Yeah. He was really suffering you know. He couldn’t seem to solve the feelings he has for you. You should stay with him. Take all the time you need. You might never see each other again.”

“Arasseo unnie. I will.”

“Take care ok? Don’t worry. I’ll handle those two idiots.”

“Gomawo unnie.”

“Anything for my dearest dongseang.”

“Bye!” I hung up and put the phone away.

After gave Yunho another look, I decided to cook for him. Carefully I opened the door and walked out. Not knowing where to go, I just walked straight and managed to arrive at the living room. There was a huge sliding door there so I opened it. “Wow!” I was astonished by the view lies behind the door. This house is located near the beach and since its evening, the sun was setting itself and I could see the clear view of it. I have to admit that this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It makes me wondered how God was able to create such a beautiful things in this world.

After the sun sets, I went back in and continue my search for the kitchen. Finally after walking around, I found the kitchen. Quickly I search around to see what’s there for me to cook. There were a lot of things so I decided to cook some kimchi stew, bimbimbap and topeoki. Since cooking is my specialist; the food was ready in just a blink. Hahaha! I’m so proud of myself. After arranging everything on the table, I went back to the room to wake Yunho up.

When I arrived in the room, I saw Yunho still peacefully sleeping just like how I left him earlier. Isn’t he cute when he’s asleep? I don’t want to wake him up but he need to eat something. It’s not good for health. Yeah. I should wake him up. He must be starving. Who knows how long his stomach was empty. Slowly I shook his body. In just a few second, Yunho’s eyes were already wide opened. “~~~~~~~~-ah….” He curved a smile on his face.

“Oppa, wake up! I prepare a dinner for us.” Yunho slowly got up and look at me.

“Mianhae. I bring you here so that you can relax but instead you have to cook for me.”

“Aniya oppa! Gwenchana. I love cooking so I don’t mind it at all!” Especially when I’m hungry like crazy! Hahaha!

“But I want to sleep a little more”, Yunho was about to lie back when I quickly pulled his hands.

“Ah! Oppa! Pegukpa!” I could die if I don’t eat! Yunho just laughed.

“Arasseo. Arasseo. Gaja!” Both of us walked towards the dining room where all the food had been serve beautifully by me. I’m so proud of myself J!

“You did this?” There was a shock expression on Yunho’s face. I frowned. Why do people do that when I did something great? I just don’t get it!

“Of course I did this! Who else?”

“You are really good at cooking aren’t you?”

“Yup!” I nodded proudly. Even my sister can’t beat me at cooking. I don’t even think my umma can beat me. Hahaha! Kidding. My umma is the best!

“Let’s eat!” And we started eating happily.

Since I was starving, I didn’t care about anything other then shoving food down my throat. Nothing else matter this moment other than food! Do you know how important food is for me? It’s like my second life. If there’s no food, I’LL DIE! Well actually everyone would die if there isn’t any food but I’ll be the first one to die because my life is mostly based on food. Food gives me strength to through hard times. It’s my personal protector or something like that.

As I was happily eating, suddenly I heard Yunho’s giggled. What’s so funny? I looked up at him and he continued giggling. “Wea yo oppa?!” I’m annoyed by this guy. Aish! “You look like you haven’t eaten in YEARS!” Well actually that’s how I usually eat when something’s burdening my heart like now. Even though I’m happy for having you next to me but still I know that this moment won’t last forever. You’ll be gone soon and there’s nothing I can do to stop you.

“When’s the last time you eat?”

“Um…. I think this afternoon if I’m not mistaken.”

“Hm…. Than why are you eating like someone who’s been starving since last year?”

“Because I like to eat”, it’s one of the reason.

“I taught girls control their eating so that they won’t get fat.”

“Well not every girl. I’m not like that. I eat all I want, when I want and where I want it. I don’t care about getting fat.” Yunho smiled more widely.

“And that’s another reason why I love you”, I could hear my heart pounding so hard as he said he love me.

“What more?”

“Huh??” Yunho looked up at me.

“What’s other reason why you love me?” Suddenly I felt curious. Yunho smiled.

“You really want to know?” I nodded.

“Arasseo. Here goes nothing”, Yunho took a deep breath.

“Your smile. It makes my heart skip a beat when I see it. The way you call me. It sounds so sweet in my ears. Your laugh. Every time you laugh, you laugh like you just hear the funniest thing in the world. How your eyes look at me every time you see me like you haven’t see me for a thousand year. And shockingly, the way you cry. It makes me want to protect you”, wow! There’s a lot of reason why he loves me.

“Want more?” I nodded eagerly. It’s not everyday you can hear the one you love say why they love you.

“You’re a perfect girl for me. Knows how to cook, beautiful, funny, cheerful and smart.”

“Oppa, are you sure it’s me you’re describing?”

“Yes.”

“Really?!”

“Yup! Why do you ask that?”

“Because I don’t think that smart word is suitable for me. I mean yes I know how to cook. Beautiful? Well maybe a bit. Funny? Most of the time, yeah. Cheerful? Well I try to be. Everything else seems fit but not the smart word”, even I have to admit that I am not that smart.

“You really need to start believing in yourself a bit more you know?”

“Hey! I do believe in myself but even a person who believes in their self has a weakness ok!” I’m a human and humans aren’t perfect.

“True but you should know that you are smarter then you think. I mean I only tutor you for like few weeks and you already get A in math. That means you are smart but you just don’t know it.”

“If I were that smart, then why does it seem like Jooyeon unnie always get higher grades then me?”

“You should really stop trying to compete with Jooyeon. She’s a higher level then you.”

“See! You yourself said that I’m not as smart as Jooyeon unnie!” I sighed. I am stupid!

“No! I didn’t say that. I said she’s a higher level then you. You are smart in your own way. And look at the bright side, if you were as smart as Jooyeon, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy your life as much as you do now because studies will always be the first priority for you”, make sense!

“But she’s still much happier then me now. I mean she got Jaejoong, her first love and what do I have? You? You’re going to get married soon”, poor me! L

“I’m sure you’ll find someone much better then me. I might seem great in your eyes but the truth is you deserve better.”

“Who says you look GREAT in my eyes?”

“Isn’t that why you fall for me at first place?” And I was like eh?! No! That’s definitely not the reason.

“Eeww! No!”

“Then why?”

“Hmm…. well truthfully, I’ve been knowing you since ever because you’re Jooyeon unnie’s friend but never once in my life did I ever gave attention towards you because well….my heart is filled with Jaejoong all this time”, I could feel my cheek burden up. Aish! It’s so embarrassing to talk about the past.

“And you also didn’t seem to give any interest towards me so I was like whatever! One day, I got a dream.”

“A dream?”

“Yeah. It’s about you. It’s unusual for me to dream about people I know because I usually dream about zombies or a chicken being chase by a snake or a superstar dating me. Most of my dreams are mainly stupid. Then that dream came. It was so real and realistic. I still remember it clearly.”

“What was that dream about?” My body went stiffed when he asked that. I couldn’t tell him. It’s embarrassing! I can’t tell a someone-husband-to-be that I dreamt about him being my husband and all. It’s just inappropriate!

“Um…it’s a secret. I can’t tell you!”

“Ok. So because of that dream, you fall for me?”

“Well not really. But the dream was the main reason I guess because after that, you keep on appearing in front of me and started messing with my heart.”

“So only then you started realizing me?”

“You can say that. To be truth oppa, you’re not really my type of guy.”

“Bwoah?!” He was a bit shock. I just smiled innocently.

“I like guys like Jaejoong. He understands me. Sometimes I feel like he understands me more then I understand myself.”

“I understand that. Seul Ki used to be my bestfriend too.”

“Yeah I know. Yoochun oppa told me.”

“I bet he told you about who Seul Ki is before she’s my girlfriend too huh?”

“Yup!”

“Aish! That guy can’t keep a secret can’t he?”

“No. Not really”, and we both laughed.

“I guess you probably know that he loves you.” My eyes widened.

“How-“

“He’s my bestfriend. He told me everything!”

“Does that mean he also told you about the-“

“Yup!” He nodded. Damn! Park Yoochun, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!

“So tell me, do you have feelings for him?”

I looked at him and I sighed. No. I don’t have feelings for him. How could I? The only one inside my heart is you and only you. Even if I die and live again, it will always be you. I felt guilty towards Yoochun. I don’t like him but I want him to be besides me. I knew that he likes me but I still keep on hurting him. I’m a nappun yoja aren’t I? I don’t know what I should do. It feels wrong to keep on toying with Yoochun’s feeling like this but I need him besides me. With him, I could feel the presence of Yunho even if it’s only a little at least it’s there.

“You don’t need to answer if you don’t want too”, Yunho smiled.

“Oppa, tell me what to do.”

“Listen to your heart. It will give you the answer.”

“Really? It will?”

“Yes”, he nodded.

“Let’s finish up our food. I’ll help you to clean up and then we’ll rest ok?”

“Ok oppa!” We continue eating.

After everything is finished, Yunho oppa dragged me to the sofa at the living room where we sat there and I was inside his strong arms. It felt so save when he holds me. Not just save but also warm, comfortable and peaceful. Jaejoong was my first love and I guess greatest love but even Jaejoong couldn’t compete with how Yunho makes me feel. He’s like a fur jacket on a cold winter or an umbrella in a raining day. It protects me and make me felt warm. But like every good thing in this world, it’ll wear out. Soon, Yunho won’t be here to protect me anymore.

“Oppa, I’m tired”, I yawned. Yunho smiled.

“Then go to sleep. I’ll be here with you”, he hold me tighter making me felt much safer. In just a few second, I was already in a deep slumber. Please let this moment last longer God. If he’s not fated for me, just let him be here next to me longer so when the ends comes, I have more then enough memories of him to be kept inside my heart forever.