I woke up earlier than usual that morning. After I wore something suitable, I walked down towards the dining room just to saw all my family happily eating together. I haven’t been hanging out with them lately so now I felt like an outsider. It’s weird you know. Moreover now that I know the story between Jaejoong and unnie and they don’t even know that I know. I don’t know how to cope with all of this. To make it worst, I have to ensure the harsh truth at the after show Yunho prepared for me. I felt like loosing my mind but its all ok. It’s weird actually. My mind is going crazy but my heart is steady. Giving me its strength so that I’ll be able to survive all of this.

“Morning!” I smiled brightly and sit next to Jaejoong as if nothing happen.

“You wake up early today”, yeah I know unnie. Surprising isn’t it?

“I’m going to meet Sunny at the musicaall~.”

“You’re ok now with Sunny?” Jaejoong asked me.

“Yes. We’re cool now.”

“Good. You need her”, I know.

“So, good luck unnie. I heard about your interesting part from Sunny”, she quickly rolled her eyes in annoyance which cause me and Jaejoong to laugh.

“Don’t remind me about that.”

“You’ll do great honey”, umma gave her encouraging smile to unnie.

“Oh ~~~~~~~~~-ah. I met Yunho yesterday. He asked if you were ok. Is there something bad happen to you?” Appa looked at me in concern.

“~~~~~~~~-ah, gwenchana?” I could see that Jaejoong think Yunho is the reason behind it and he’ll kill him for me.

“I’m fine! No worries. Nothing happen. It’s just that I just left Yunho when we were talking. That’s all. Don’t kill him Jaejoong oppa”, he’ll be gone soon after all.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Now, can we eat? I’m starving!!”

“Ok”, and all of us eat happily especially me. I ate so much that the others were like “WTH??!!” but Jaejoong just looked at me with those sad eyes. I know he knows that something is wrong with me. He does know me better than I ever know myself. There’s no doubt on that.

After breakfast, I quickly ran towards Sunny’s house. As I was running, suddenly I heard footstep following me. I stopped and turned around to see Jaejoong smiling at me as if he knows that smile of his could send peace to my soon to be stormy heart. I can’t help but to smile back at him. I used to love this guy. Love him so much and now I know why. Because he always know what to do to cure the pain in my soul. He always knows what to do when I loose faith in life.

“Why are you here? Where’s Jooyeon unnie?”

“She’s with Teac. I’m here for you”, he said as he walked closer to me.

“For me? Why? I don’t need you.”

“Really? You don’t?” I sighed. He knew me too well to not know how I am feeling right now.

“I do need you. More than you ever know.”

“What’s wrong? You know that I’m always here for you”, Jaejoong slipped his hand around me.

“It’s Yunho…..”

“What’s with him?”

“He’s going to announce something after the musicaall~”

“And his announcement will hurt you.”

“No. it won’t hurt me. It’ll crush me into million pieces”, even though I felt like crying but still I manage to control my emotion. I cannot cry. Not now.

“In that case, I’m here to help you through all this pain”, I smiled. If the whole world turns its back on me, I know one person who would stand by my side and that will be him.

“Gaja”, and we both walked towards the school side by side.

After picking up Sunny at her house, we headed straight towards the school. Since Sunny need to go backstage to change and everything, Jaejoong and I went straight to the audience seat. After quite a while, finally the show started. The whole show was great because everyone seemed to enjoy their self except for me. I couldn’t focus. All I could think was how will I get through this pain. I want to look strong and accept this fate that has been set for us but if I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it. If I smile, I might end up crying helplessly and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to make this hard for Yunho.

After a while, the show ended with a big round of applause from the audience. It must be great because they even gave a standing ovation for the cast. Of course it’s great. They have such a great cast PLUS there’s so many unexpected stuff in the show. I mean the beastly Teacyeon oppa acted to be a step mom and the nerdy Jooyeon unnie acted to be the y and girly step sister. It must be damn of a gag show. Hahaha! I don’t even watch it clearly but I still found it very hilarious and great.

“Thank you to all the audience that came today. Did you enjoy the show?” Mrs. Joo said.

“Yes!!!!” The audience sang.

“Great. Now we have a special announcement from our beloved President of Student Body Organization, Jung Yunho. Mr. Jung, you may proceed”, Mrs. Joo hand over the microphone to the already changing to a normal cloth Yunho. He took it with a smile and step in front. His eyes wildly gaze around the audience like he was searching for something and stopped as his eyes reached mine. We stared at each other for a while. I could see the guilt in his eyes. All I could do was give him my assuring smile saying that I’m fine and it’s ok. I won’t bother him anymore. This time, I’ll keep on being strong.

“Um…. First of all, I want to congratulate everyone that makes this show possible. You guys did a great job!” He cheered for his fellow cast who were standing behind him.

“Now, I have some announcement to make. A very important announcement. Mostly of you know that I’m going to graduate from this school soon and went to collage and all right?” Everyone just nodded dumbly. He smiled to himself.

“Well, the announcement is regarded about my future plans. It’s about what I’ll be doing in the future. Many of you know that I’m dating someone right?” Again, everyone nodded dumbly.

“That someone is here now. Seul Ki-ah, come here!” Yunho called out for Seul Ki who’s sitting at the front row of the theater room. She quickly stood up and walked up the stage. Everyone gave her applause as she stepped on the stage.

“Let me introduce to everyone of you, Bea Seul Ki. My girlfriend and soon to be fiancée”, the sound of people gasping fill my ears. My heart hurt seeing Yunho introduce Seul Ki like that. How much I wish I was standing at her place.

“After graduating, I’ll be engage to Seul Ki and we’ll both further our study at America”, and noises fill the room. Everyone was making up their own comment and assumption. Jaejoong, Sunny, Junsu, Changmin and Jooyeon unnie just looked at me who’s eyes never leave Yunho.

“I know this is a shocking news for everyone but I hope all of you will pray for our happiness. I also know that this moment, there’s someone who’s hurt by me”, his gaze went towards me who never even blink looking at him.

“I never meant to hurt you. If I could turn back time, I would and I’ll make everything right again but I can’t. I know you probably hate me with all your heart but trust me; I never want to hurt you. That’s why I asked you not to come”, there was a deep sincerity in his eyes that was wrapped with guilt, hurt and sadness. To everyone surprise, I smiled at him. Not a fake I’m-going-to-be-fine smile but a genuine smile. A smile that’s sincere from the heart.

Slowly I stood up and mouthed to him that it’s ok. I’ll be fine. I was about to walked away when Jaejoong took my hand. I just turned to face him. “I’ll go with you”, I just shook my head. “Aniya oppa. Gwenchana. I’ll be fine. Just give me some time to be alone. Can you?” He wanted to argue but he knows the pain in my eyes so he let me go. After smiling for one last time, I walked out of the place slowly with tears slowly falling down my cheeks.

I don’t want people to see me crying. I don’t want Yunho to saw me crying. It’ll just make things harder for him and I don’t want to be a burden to him. I want him to go to America with a happy heart and not with a heavy heart. His future is going to be bright with Seul Ki. With her, he got to go to America and further his studies there. If he had dated me, he would have a hard time deciding to go to America or not because he have to leave me here and that will messed up his future. I don’t want that to happen. No matter how painful living without him will be, I’ll endure it so that Yunho will be happy. If I had to choose my life over his happiness, I’ll choose his happiness. That’s how I love him.

Walking with tears running down on my face, I face down. I don’t want everyone to see me like this. They might make a crazy assumption that I dare not to think about. No matter what happen, this people who saw me are still humans and humans like to make a wild gossip even when they don’t know what’s going on. Trust me, I know. Why? Because I’m sadly a human so yeah, I know how humans act. That’s how I act. Yup! I like to make a crazy assumption when I saw someone cried after watching a great musicaall~ that seems more like a gag show than a musicaall~.

“~~~~~~~~~-ah!” A hand suddenly reached me making me stop on my tracks. Even without looking back at him, I know who he is.

“Where are you going?” Yunho voice was like a bomb that makes my cries become louder but I tried my best to hide it.

“Look at me ~~~~~~~~~-ah”, he pulled me so that I would face him. As he saw my teary eyes, his face softened up and quickly he pulled me inside his arms.

“Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you hurting yourself like this ~~~~~~~~-ah?”

“Because I love you”, those simple words explained it all. There’s no need to use complicated un-understandable words. Only a simple ‘because I love you’ explained to the world why I bravely through all this pain. And those words also makes Yunho hold me tighter which cause me to sob harder.

“I don’t understand why my heart still wants you after all the pain you had put me through. If I don’t see you one day, I felt like my heart throbbing in pain. And today, I knew I’ll get hurt but I still want to come and see you. Seeing you all happy even when you’re with someone else and it’ll kill me is much better than not seeing you at all. I don’t understand why I’m acting this way. With you, I become vulnerable but still I want you to be in my life. I don’t know what I should do to stop these feelings so tell me how oppa…. How….”

Being in love is something I will never understand. No matter how much I fall in love, still it’ll remain a mystery to me. I become an idiot because of love. I loose myself because of love. I lost my way because of love. I hurt my heart because of love but still I let love take over my life. I don’t understand it one bit but still I have the courage to through it all. Even when I’m all worn out, I still got up and find some strength in me to move on. It’s pretty impressive actually how love was able to bring out the best in me.

“Would it change anything if I told you…..” Yunho stop on his words.

“Told me what?” I could hear Yunho sighed. It seems like telling me something is a big burden to him. I shouldn’t make his suffer like me. I’m ok if the one who suffer is me alone and not Yunho. Furthermore, nothing he said would make me feel better.

“Oppa, it’s ok. I don’t have to tell me anything”, slowly I pulled away from his embrace and look stare straight in his eyes.

“Don’t strangle yourself for me. I’m ok. I’m always will be ok. Like you said, every time things get hard, I’ll always get a grip of myself. Just go oppa. I won’t hold it against you. I’m the one who choose to fall for you than I’m the who needs to pay for the consequences. Not you.”  Turning around from him, I started to walk away. I love him too much to see him suffer for me. If this is what God has set up for me, I’m fine with it.

“I love you….” Those three magical words stopped me on my tracks. Suddenly the world is much better now. Suddenly all those pains I’ve been through all this while was worth it.

“~~~~~~~~~-ah, I love you. I really do but….” And suddenly life is back to the way it is. I know that it’s too good to be true.

“But you love Seul Ki more isn’t it?” I heard him sighed. I take that as a yes.

“It’s ok. I understand it. It’s good enough that I know that there’s a place for me in your heart. Maybe it’s not a big place but at least it’s there.” With a happy smile on, I turned around to face him. He was looking down and wasn’t able to face me. I walked closer to him and lifted his head up.

“Oppa….” My heart hurts seeing his face filled with despair and tears running down his cheeks. My heart hurts more now than when I knew Yunho has a girlfriend.

“Please don’t cry”, I quickly hugged him tightly. All this while it’s always been people consoling me telling me not to cry. It feels good now that I’m the one who’s consoling people and not the other way around.

“It’s ok oppa. I’ll be ok. Seriously you need to start get a grip of yourself since I’ve been saying that I’ll be fine for too many times oppa”, I could hear him chuckling.

“See. It’s better to smile than to cry”, and he gave a big laughed and broke the hug and look at me.

“You should use that for yourself ~~~~~~~~-ah.”

“Yeah. I know”, we both just smiled to ourselves.

“Now, I think I better get going”, I said as if there was a place where I should be right now.

“Where are you going?”

“Somewhere not sure where but definitely not here.”

“Let me send you.”

“Nah! I’ll find being on my own. Ah! And if you find Jaejoong, run.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s going to kill you for hurting me earlier.”

“No worries. It’s not easy to kill me.”

“I don’t know about that. Jaejoong is pretty scary when he’s pissed off.”

“Trust me, I’ll live.”

“Good! Don’t die on me yet ok. Bye oppa!” And I skipped my way out of there. I felt much better now that I know Yunho actually feel something for me. Mrs. Joo is actually right about two guys falling helplessly for me. Well not actually helplessly but they are falling for me. I’m quiet a hot shoot am I? hahahaha!!!!

“You are my shy, shy, shy boy~ Oh oh oh my boy~” Singing happily while skipping my way to God knows where, I found Yoochun playing football with kids at the park. Well I never thought finding him here. Actually I haven’t seen him for quiet a while. Well actually since that ‘incident’, I’ve been ignoring him even when I said that it’s ok. Stupid am I? He must felt terrible. Maybe I should go and talk to him. No? Yes? Yup I should. I am in a good mood anyway.

After taking a really deep breath, I walked towards Yoochun. “OPPA!!” I waved my hands at him. When he saw me, he froze like he just saw a pizza wearing a bikini not that I know how that would look like but definitely a shocking scene. “Watch out!” A kid suddenly screamed. I looked at the kid and saw a ball flying towards Yoochun which fall hard on Yoochun handsome face. “Ouh…!” He fell down on the floor and moaned in pain. “Oppa!” I quickly ran towards him.

“Gwenchana?” I looked at him in worries. He just looks back at me and suddenly laughed.

“Yah! Why are you laughing?!”

“Nothing. It’s just funny that I didn’t realize that ball”, he said between his laugh. I sighed in relief. I taught he was getting a brain damage or something cause by that ball.

“Oppa, don’t scare me like that!”

“Hahaha! Do you know how funny your face was when you saw me falling?”

“Oppa seriously, it’s NOT funny”, he almost get me a heart attack.

“Chill a bit will you ~~~~~~~~?” I helped him stood up and shockingly we both laughed. It feels good to laugh like this.

“Let’s get something to eat?” I’m starving here.

“Sounds good. Guys, I’ll go first ok?” Yoochun said to those kids that’s were playing with him.

“Ok hyung!” They sang and we both went to the nearest café.

Sitting at the table besides the window, I let Yoochun go buy us something to eat. After a few moments, Yoochun came with two sandwich and two cup of cappuccino in his hands. “Here’s yours”, he handed me my food and sat in front of me. “So, where are you from?” Yoochun asked as he takes a sip of his cappuccino. “I’m from the musicaall~” “Oh!” He just nodded and ate his sandwich.

“Oppa, why aren’t you there?”

“Because I know what Yunho is going to say….”

“He already said it.”

“And are you ok with it?”

“Even if I say I’m not, it’s not going to change anything”, he just nodded.

“Are you in a fight with Yunho or something?” Because usually they always together.

“Nope. I’m just hurt that Seul Ki makes a decision to move with Yunho. No matter what happen, she used to be the love of my life so it really is hard on me when I know about it”, I understand how he felt.

“Well look at the bright side. I’m still here for you”, Yoochun smiled hearing that.

“Are you?”

“Yes. I’m not going anywhere until I graduate but you might. What’s your future plans?”

“I….don’t know actually.”

“You don’t know?! How could you NOT know oppa? Graduation is just a few days left and you should know where you’re going next.”

“I guess I’m going anywhere my dad decides to send me.”

“Oppa, you can’t let anyone else decide something for you. It’s YOUR future and you need to determine your own future not anyone else”, I sounded like my umma now.

“I’m just going to let my dad choose a university for me not the course I’m going to take. Why are you taking this seriously anyway? Afraid that I might leave you?”

“Don’t get ahead of your head oppa. I just want you to be happy”, he smiled got wider.

“I know. I know” and we ate while chit chatting some even more suddenly a girl with red hair and thick eye liner came towards us.

“Yoochun-ah!” That girl greeted Yoochun. At first he just looked at her trying to recognize her and the he smiled.

“Bom-ah!” He stood up and they gave each other a friendly hug. I just stare at them not knowing what I should do.

“How are you Yoochun?”

“Me? I’m great. You?”

“Awesome. How’s your girlfriend? Um…. What’s her name again? Seul Ki right?” She must be his friend from WAY back since he broke up with Seul Ki long time ago.

“We broke off already.”

“Seriously? So is this your new girlfriend?” She looked at me.

“Nah. She’s just a friend”, I don’t know why but I felt mad when he said that. I mean hello! You kissed me already and now when you found a better girl you just said I’m your friend? Ugh! What’s wrong with me?

“So are you all single?”

“Yeah. Apparently so.”

“So a place is still open for me?”

“Definitely”, watching that women flirt makes me wanna puke right now.

“Oppa, I’m going now!” Quickly I got up and took my stuff.

“Bye!” Before he could say anything, I just walked away.

I’m tired, pissed off and sweaty so I decided to go back home. When I arrived at home, I saw Jaejoong waiting for me at the front door. He almost screamed in happiness when he saw me walking towards him. “~~~~~~~~-ah, where have you been?” He was like dead worried about me. I just smile knowing that someone is really cared about me. “Why are you smiling like that?” He was just pissed that all I could do was smile at him when he was waiting for me like hours here.

“You should really stop worry about me. I can take care of myself you know.”

“Yeah. The last time I let you go all by yourself, you end up fainted in Yunho’s arm,”

“Cool down will you? I’m perfectly fine aren’t I?”

“Yeah. Where have you been?”

“Nowhere. Just walking around”, I really shouldn’t tell him I was with Yoochun. He doesn’t like me hanging out with Yoochun.

“So, what did Yunho told you?” Jaejoong asked as we sat in front of our house.

“How do you know I met Yunho?”

“Because he ran after you as soon as you walk out.”

“Ah! He told me that he love me.”

“He told you WHAT?!” Jaejoong almost choke on his words.

“Yeah. He told me he loves me but….”

“Why is there always a but?” Jaejoong sighed in frustration. I just laugh. I’m the one who should be frustrated Jaejoong.

“He loves Seul Ki more.”

“And you’re ok with it?”

“Yeah. That’s better than knowing my sister and bestfriend slash ex-crush dating secretly behind me”, Jaejoong froze as he heard that. I couldn’t help but to laugh out loud.

“Relax. I don’t mind it. No worries.”

“How did you know?”

“I have my way.”

“When did you know?”

“Why do you want to know? What’s important is that to you? All you should know now is that I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thanks ~~~~~~~~”, Jaejoong pulled me inside his hug. People hug me a lot these days.

“Ok let’s get inside now. I’m all sweaty and tired”, side by side, we walked in with happy face. Things seem to work out for me. Now all I need to do is through the goodbye that soon will reach me and after that the pain will stop.

TIME flies fast this few days. In just blink of an eye, the end is here. It’s the graduation day. Early in the morning, our house is already busy and noisy. Umma and appa are busy preparing Jaejoong and unnie for their graduation day. I’m busy sleeping soundly in my room. Jaejoong and unnie busy trying to wake me up so that they won’t be late for their graduation day. After a few more screaming in my ears, I finally woke up. I just stared at them like I’m going to kill them.

“Get ready already ok!” Unnie leave the room in frustration. She’s always like that.

“Ready?” Jaejoong look at me.

“Ready!” I got up and get ready after Jaejoong leave the room.

After everything is ready, we drive to school where the graduation is being held. Since everyone is busy doing something, they left me all alone as soon we arrived at the school. Great! Now nobody cares about me. Hello people! I’m going to through the hardest moment in my life here and you guys just let me go all around by myself? Yeah such a ‘caring’ family I have right now.

“~~~~~~~~-ah!” I heard my name being called. Quickly I turned around to saw Sunny, Junsu and Changmin smile happily at me.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“To accompany you”, Changmin answered.

“Thanks guys.”

“Now let’s find the seniors and congratulate em.”

“Ok!” And all four of us headed to where the seniors are hanging out.

“Oppa!” The first one I saw was Teacyeon oppa who’s proudly wearing his graduation robe.

“Hey guys!” He smiled while hugging each one of us.

“Congratulation hyung!” Junsu said on behalf of us.

“Thanks.”

“Here! Something for your graduation!” I handed him a present that I already buy for seniors that I know.

“Thanks ~~~~~~~~-ah. Where are your sister and Jaejoong?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere around here I guess.”

“I’ll go and find em.”

“Ok. Bye oppa!” And he walked away. Ok, next!

“Yoochun hyung!” Changmin ran towards Yoochun as he saw him.

“Congratulation oppa!” I quickly gave him a big hug.

“Thanks guys.”

“Here!” I gave him a present like Teac oppa.

“Whoa! A present huh? Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. You deserve it oppa.”

“Have you guys seen Teac?”

“Oh! He was searching for Jooyeon unnie and Jaejoong oppa”, Sunny answered.

“Oh! I’ll go find him than. Thanks again guys!” And he also walked away. Next!

We passed many seniors that have been schooling with us these past few years. Everyone was so energetic today. But there are some that cried. They’ve been together all this while and suddenly it’s time to leave each other. It must be hard. Next year, it’ll be my time to graduate and through all this separation. I just hope it’ll be a good separation and we still could meet after three or four years and smile at each other.

“Oppa/Hyung!” Sunny, Junsu and Changmin spotted Yunho and went straight towards him who was with Seul Ki that moment. She decided to ditch her graduation day and come here instead and after it all ended, went to the airport and walked away. I was watching them congratulate each other happily from a far. I don’t know weather I should go to him or waited until everyone is gone so that I could have him on my own.

“Where is ~~~~~~~~-ah?” Yunho asked as he realizes I wasn’t there.

“There she is!” Changmin pointed at me who just stare at them.

“Excuse me for second guys”, he walked away from them and walked straight towards me.

“Hi”, he smiled at me.

“Hi oppa.”

“Why are you standing here?”

“Because I’m not standing there”, Yunho gave me a look which makes me laughed.

“I want to talk to you alone”, he looked at me and took my hand.

“Than let’s go”, I was about to argue when he dragged me towards the empty hallway.

“Is this place good enough for you?”

“Ye oppa”, I nodded and smiled.

“What is it you want to say to me?” He seemed eager to know.

“Actually oppa, I don’t really know”, I smiled stupidly. Yunho just laughed and tapped my head lightly.

“You are the cutest thing ever, you know that?” My cheeks flushed in redness. I’ve heard him saying I’m cute for like thousand times already but I still blush so badly every time he said it.

“Kieopta!” He pinched my cheek which makes me blush more badly.

Secretly, I looked at him. I’m gonna miss that smile on his face right now. All the moments we had since the first time we met flashed in front of my eyes. I’ve always thought that our time is still long but I guess I was wrong. The time we had was so short. Too short. I couldn’t even show him how much I love him. I couldn’t even tell him directly in a sincere way that I truly, deeply love him. I’d give everything to have him next to me just a little while longer.

Unconsciously, tears started too poured down my cheeks. I was about to wipe it away when Yunho stopped me by holding my hand. I could only stare at him. His smile was gone. There was only regret in his eyes. It seemed like this goodbyes are hard for him too. Maybe I won’t be the only one to suffer. Would it make me look bad if I say I’m glad he’s acting this way? Hahaha! Stupid me!

“Oppa, don’t make this harder for me”, seeing him like this make me don’t want to let him go.

“I don’t want to see you like this….. I want to see you smile while sending me away…..”

“I want to do that too but I couldn’t. It’s just too hard” saying goodbye is always a hard thing to do.

“Goodbye is not the end. It’s a promise that we will meet each other again”, I smiled at Yunho’s word. He is much wiser than I ever taught he is.

“But what if we’ll never see each other again?” There’s a big chance that I’ll never ever be able to see him again. Can I bear to live my life without him next to me? Will I survive it?

“If we never see each other again, you should know that I’m always here”, he pointed at my chest “And you’re always in here”, he than pointed at his chest.

“Even if God fated us to never be with each other?”

“Yes. Even if God fated us to never be with each other.”

“Even when the whole world is gone?”

“Yes. Even when the whole world is gone.”

“How can you be sure oppa?”

“Because of this”, he pulled me into his embraced and there I could hear his heart beat so fast as fast as mine. Little by little, it slows down and in a second, it beats as one. He’s heart and my heart. The place where we’ll be together for eternity.

“Oppa, saranghae. Neomu neomu saranghae oppa….”

“Nadu ara.”

“Jalgayo nae sarang”, after saying those hard words, I pulled away from him. With every stepped I take away from him felt like my heart being slash with a knife. I should let you go now. If it’s the end, than I’ll smile for you once more so that every time you miss me, that image of me smiling at you at the end will make you smile.

Turning around to face Yunho once more, I collected all the strength in me. This is the end. I want it too be better than the starting. We’ll never ever regret meeting each other. “Oppa! Jalga!” One last time before everything ended, I curved a smile on my face. Oppa, goodbye. Goodbye my love.