❝ chapter nine

s o l a r ’ s

I laugh when they send me a sticker of a duck sitting in a pool of its own tear. It feels strangely nice, soothing even. When the traffic turns red, my manager turns around and steals a glance at me then she smiles. 

    “You look genuinely happy.” She said. “It’s been a while, Yongsun.”

    “I was happy before this too.” 

    “Yeah, on stage.” She motions her hand all over the air. “It’s been a while since I saw you smiling genuinely like that when you’re not performing and when there are no cameras shoving in your face.” 

Some other times, she’s strict. Some other times, she’s sweet to the core. But I guess that what makes our manager seems more like our mom whenever we miss them dearly, taking care of us is more than just a job for her. She always jokes around that she’d quit because we’re really hard to control, but we know how much she enjoys our presences together. She has always been the one who quietly takes our side, defends us as much as she could even though that’s very risky for her job, sneakily puts food in our fridge when we decide to go on diet by ourselves and could only watch mukbang shows on the internet.

    “So, how does it feel to kiss the nation’s boyfriend?” Hyejin beams as soon as I walk inside the waiting room. 

    I grin, shaking my head at them. “I said after our last performance, Hyejin.”

    Wheein trails behind me, a fried chicken feet inside . “Come on, you’re going to make an excuse of being too tired after performing again.” 

    “Should we?” Byul winks at the girls. 

    “Yeah.” Hyejin exchanges knowing glances with her and nod. “She always lose to us anyway.” 

They simultaneously throw their chicken feet away into the empty plastic bowls fill with bones next to them then get up and motion Wheein to hold me. They run toward us and grab me tightly from the back. I squeal as the girls drag me back to the couch. Wheein laughs and accidentally drops her chicken feet from onto the floor of our waiting room. 

    “God, Jung Wheein, you’re so gross. Clean that up.” Hyemin unnie complains. 

Wheein runs over to pick her chicken feet up and toss it into Hyejin’s bones-filled bowl and they start to hurdle around me. Hyejin asked why did I change my mind? Honestly, I don’t know. The fact that he sorts of blanks out a little bit and doesn’t seem to be as carefree around me anymore kinds of makes me realize that I absolutely hate the idea of him slowly fading away from my life. I hate that and I don’t want that. 

Are you happy? Very. I know you’re a ert but honestly though, I couldn’t imagine you kissing him first. Me too, Wheein. When he said I never really reply him anymore, I felt really guilty. I wasn’t the only one hurting. I was hurting myself. But somehow along that path, I ended up hurting him even more while trying to protect myself. He looked so vulnerable, hurt even. I never felt this strong urge to pull someone close to me and comforted them with everything I had ever since Wheein’s breakup the last time. It was as if I was trying to live out the expression of carrying fire in one hand and water in another. Do you want to marry him? God, Byul.  

    “They just start dating today!” Hyejin hisses. 

    “I don’t even know if we’re even dating yet. Just because I kiss him, that doesn’t make him automatically my boyfriend. He might have already changed his mind about me because I took too long.” 

I hope not. 

    “Changed his mind, my foot. He kissed you back!” Byul scoffs. “And, don’t hiss at me. They’ve already been married once, that could be counted as dating and breaking up for a short while then dating again.” 

    “Just finish your chicken feet, you guys. I’m going to change my makeup.” I slowly untangle myself from them and get up from the couch. “And, I’m very offended none of you cared to buy me at least a bowl of spicy rice cakes.” 

They wave me up disappointedly at the small amount of explanation they get then turn their whole attention back on their chicken feet. Pft, these girls don’t even get me my spicy rice cakes. I walk over to my seat in the mirror and have my makeup remove for another new one. This has to be the third time I’m putting on new makeup this evening. 

    “What are you guys doing with my phone again?” I ask, staring at their reflection in the mirror. “Stop overloading my phone’s memory with your selfies.”

They ignore me and continue posing for the camera. They hold their own chicken feet up at the camera and lower their gazes at the camera with a completely straight face. Byul snickers and does something on my phone. I hope she’s not setting that as my lock-screen’s wallpaper again. The last thing I want is a picture of chicken feet on my phone’s screen in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep.

    “What are you guys doing?” I asked. “You can do anything, just don’t set it as my wallpaper.” 

    “You said anything.” Byul said and I can already picture her smirking. 

God, what am I signing up for again?