❝ chapter thirteen

s o l a r ’ s

[gray text = flashback]

The girls left after causing a huge storm but they volunteered to clean the dishes before they left anyway. The  two youngest are having a schedule together at Star King, Byul is due somewhere for her collaboration with someone she’s hiding from us no matter how much we asked. We naturally found ourself on our couch. He’s sitting up comfortably and somehow I had my head on his chest, one of his arms wrapped around my waist and another hand gently my hair. When did we get this comfortable with each other? Hold on, the real question should be when did I ever get this comfortable about this kind of skinship with a man? 

    “Do you have a schedule today?” I asked.

    “No. I’m all good today.” He said, his hand gently my hair. “I have to go to LA tonight though.” 

I frown and sit up almost immediately. His hand hanged mid-air then he looked at me confusedly. 

    “You literally just flew in 3 days ago.” 

He shrugged and I sighed then went back to laying my head on his chest. I remembered we once talked about our schedules together during the filming break, and he mentioned that his house didn’t seem like his house anymore because he’s barely there since he went back and forth constantly. There was time when his jet lag was really severe, he came to the filming venue looking like a complete zombie and there was time when he was half-asleep and would fell asleep in between the shoots but as soon as the camera started rolling, he covered it all up. Time like those really made me wanted to give him a big hug and just silently comforted him but I wasn’t exactly ready for skinship back then so instead, I tried being hyper and cheered him up and when I was finally ready to open up to him, our time together on the show ended. 

We stayed like that for a while, none of us thought of moving away or suggesting what we should do next. It didn’t feel real at all, maybe it’s because I’ve dreamed about this for way too many time, I’m starting to struggle between identifying reality and hallucination. 

The only thing that would probably help in identifying that this is really a reality would be the nonexistence of several cameramen filming us and following us around. 

    “When are you coming back?” 

    “Next five days, I have to come back for a short meeting.” 

    “Don’t look at other women.”

    He laughs. “Oh yeah, now that you mention it, I just remember I have a lot of female friends from college I need to catch up with.” 

I move away from his arm and shoot him a glare. He laughs again but this time, he pulls me closer and snuggles closer with me. I don’t give it much thought, when he said friends, he really means it. Of course many women love being around him, he’s everything a girl wants in a man and he respects them a lot, and from a women’s perspective, if it isn’s a romantic thought, then he’d be the perfect best friend who will get your back no matter what happened. 

    “Why did you change your mind?” He asks, his voice comes off soft but hesitating. 

    “About what?”

    “Us.” 

Us. I look at him and he’s staring at me, his face genuinely curious but relieves and it gives me a sense of comfort. Looking at him has always gives me a sense of comfort, ever since our filming days, it’s him who gives me confidence in myself, it’s him that gives me a reason to keep myself awake and skips to the filming venue happily. 

I thought back to when he confessed on that one chilly night. Autumn was never my favorite season, it was a complete nightmare. On November 9th, I remembered holding myself from crying while walking down the street alone after we wrapped up the shoot. It was absolutely clear to both of us that the chances of us together were close to zero, probably already zero but we hadn’t really accepted it. So, that one night when he came straight from the airport and strolled along the park where we visited and called his brother together once then bumped into me, he confessed, completely surprised both of us. 

    “Yongsun.” 

I looked up to the once-familiar voice in front of me. He stood there, eyes widened confusedly at the fact that I actually strolled along the path that we once visited together. He dressed in a black  sweatshirt on the inside, another black coat on top of it and he looked cozy. Cozy enough that I really wanted to hug him and warmed myself up. But, that wouldn’t be right. 

He has a girlfriend, I can’t possibly do that. The image of the article about his last kiss flashes right across my eyes and I have to pull myself together not to break down in front of him. I cry enough, on the way from my house to here. 

    “What are you doing here at this hour?” He asked. “It isn’t safe to walk around alone at night.” 

    “Yeah.” I nodded. “I just wanted to feel the cold breeze before this winter pass again.” 

    “Are you here alone?” 

    I nodded. “What about you? Isn’t it the perfect time to walk around here with your girlfriend?” 

The lyrics of Nancy Wilson’s I Wish You Love run through my mind and I feel a part of me threatening to crumble down in front of him. Not now, Yonsung,  at least wait until you get home and cry. 

    He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “Yongsun, it’s not what you think. She's not my girlfriend.” 

Oh, friends who kissed then? 

    He stares at me for a few second and sighs. “She was someone I don’t even know and she was drunk. Probably one of my dad’s friend’s daughter or niece but overall, she was drunk and she suddenly kissed me because she heard that I worked here as a singer. We had nothing together, it wasn’t me who initiated it.”

Oh. 

    “It’d be nice then since you’re going back and forth often these days, you can get to see and know each other more often.” 

Geez, I hate myself now. He groans and for the first time ever, I see him being everything except the calm and gentle Eric Nam everyone knows. It feels surprising that someone like me could actually make someone as perfect as him mad. 

    “God, Yongsun. I’m not seeing anybody even if I go back and forth every single day. I have nothing to do with her and she was there because it was a party and her dad brought her along. I like you, can’t you tell already?”  

    He stops when he realizes what he just said and I stare at him, bewildered. Me? 

    “Me?”

    “Yeah.” He sighs and closes his eyes for a second then opens them again. “You.” 

A bitter smile threatens across my face and all of sudden, I feel tear rushing to my eyes. This can’t be, we can’t make it work. With our jobs, it’s impossible. I’ve seen all the tweets on Twitter, from both my fans and his. They’re celebrating over our separation, they even hold a giveaway in celebration of it. I couldn't even admit that all of those hurt me because they were the one who gave me and the girls a chance to where we are today, I couldn't even get upset. It will never work. As much as I want to, I can’t abandon my members. Besides, it’s not just me. There are the girls who invest in this dream as much as I did, the company who does everything for us, I can’t possibly be selfish and give up on them. 

    “Oppa,” I mumble and look down. “This… It’s impossible. We both know that.” 

    He nods. “I know but we will never know how far we can take it if we don’t try. I know this is selfish of me. I wanted to stay as friends, I was resolved to just stay as friends after we ended but I can’t imagine doing anything without you. I can’t imagine anyone else calling themselves your husband in the future after what we did together. I just hate the thought of it and it drives me nuts knowing that I don’t really have that much of a choice, because I know how much this job means to both of us but at the same times, it’s going to kill both of us if we both take just another step forward. I tried. I tried working, I tried everything but the thought of you still crept up on me at 4am and it's suffocating me that no one give us a choice when it's actually our lives.”

    “My members,” I said. “The girls, they don’t deserve to receive hate because of me. I know what each of them went through and as a leader, I saw what they went through before we made it here. I don’t want to ruin it for them, they deserve the spotlight more than I do and even if it means losing mine for them to shine, I’d be more than willing.”

He nodded slowly and even though it was really late at night, I saw tears welling in his eyes and it broke my heart even more. I looked away and kept my own tears at bay. It wasn’t right of me to hurt someone who has been everything from understanding and a comfort to me and then to cry about it. 

    “Do you still have the letter I gave you at the last filming?”

I nodded. 

    “I meant everything I wrote in there.” He smiles. “I will always cheer for you, no matter what you do in the future.” 

Unknowingly, I reach my hand out to shake his and the act of this breaks my heart even more, it’s as if I’m emphasizing that we’re going to be friends and nothing more than that just like how the lyric goes: never lover, ever friends. He reaches his hand to shake mine back and none of us let go of each other’s hand for a long time. 

    “Just…” He mumble. “Just answer me about one thing.” 

I look at him, my heart no longer beating as if it’s going mad, my head refusing to even give him a nod or a shake of disapproval but he asks anyway. 

    “If it wasn’t for our jobs right now, would you say yes?” 

    “Yes.” 

He nods like it’s finally sinking into him and lets go of my hand. And just like that, we both left, both completely heart-wrenched and I don’t know about him, but I couldn’t stop crying until the next day. My members knock on my door like mad and all I care about was how am I going to face my moomoos without being so obvious about my completely broken heart, how many blankets I have buried myself under it and how long I Wish You Love has been blasting in my room.  

I sniff a little and shake myself away from the little flashback of that day. He seems to be thinking about it just now too, he shakes his head a little and turns to look at me instead. 

    “I couldn’t imagine doing anything without you too.” I said and fiddle with his hand. “I couldn’t imagine having someone else as my husband after you raised the bar that high.” 

He laughs then tells me that girls mentioned how much I cried that day when he met them the day before yesterday. Wheein even threatened to deal with him herself if he ever makes me cry like that again in the future and I just smile at that. It’s even more ironic that a terribly shy person like Wheein who couldn’t even order her own food or calls a waiter over threatens to deal with someone if they break my heart. 

It was even funnier now that I thought back to that day because more than worried, Byul was somewhat pissed with me. They came over to my house at 1 in the morning, knocking on my door for half an hour because I called Byul and cried at her without uttering a word. Hyejin was quiet for once, but Wheein still tried to sing for me. Byul threatened that she’s going to break my door if I don’t open it but it didn’t work. It was funny because the last thing that worked was when they gave up and told me I’d better stopped crying if I don’t want to scream in 5 hours when there are pictures of me with swollen eyes on every sites. So, I stopped. Music stopped abruptly, blanket removed until my stomach and I Mr. Bean instead. 

In exactly 5 hours, I screamed because there are pictures of me with a big pair of Gucci bags under my eyes on every sites. 

    “Oh, my sister will be coming in five weeks.” I said. “And she wants to meet up. I already told her about us.” 

    He whines and throws his head back onto the couch. “Ah, I’m screwed.” 

    “Your sister doesn’t really seem to like me that much. I think she hates me.” He laughs. 

    “She doesn’t hate you.” I giggle. “Come on, it’s the Yongsis we’re talking about. We’re always difficult to read at first but we’re quite warm.” 

    “Will spicy rice cakes do the tricks?” 

    “Always.” I giggle and snuggle closer into his arm.

He laughs at that then kisses the top of my head.