Jongdae was going to kill them. But he honestly should have seen this coming. Yixing and Taewoo told him that they were going to leave early because they had nerd things to do. Baekhyun disappeared with some guy, and he had no idea where they went off to. Last person he saw even closely related to Baekhyun was Chanyeol, who was puking in a bathroom with the help of some pretty freshman sorority girl. In other words, he was ed.

Waking up in the same clothes, glancing down at his phone that was still charging, he realized whoever offer the room to him was probably still sleeping. He remembered last night. There were a few people who knew him because of Doojoon’s doing, and a few offered their place to stay at. He chose the cutest person, a pretty girl of twenty, who lived in a single dorm somewhere nearby, and was okay with having him spend the night. She had the gummiest little smile, and laughed at all his jokes. It was perfect. Him and her, they just clicked, and he remembered writing her number down in his phone while she grabbed a mug of water for him.

Jung Wheein was one of the nicest people he ever met.

“I’ll take care of you, no worries,” she smiled as he took his seventh shot for the night, and she took her second shot. And a few hours later, he was over at her place, laughing and joking around as she sat on the kitchen counter making sure he was alright.

He texted the guys in the group chat as quickly as he could to tell them that they wouldn’t have to worry about him and getting a place to rest. They didn’t reply, and he just assumed they were both in good hands.

A figure under the blanket next to him was breathing in and out. Sighing, he ran a finger through his hair. It was six am. He had a class at eight, and Yixing and Baekhyun both warned him not to have a class at eight because it was stupid. But here he was, sobered up from whatever they served in the jungle juice, and a beautiful girl was sleeping soundly next to him. No, they didn’t have . Yes, they kissed, but she was just out of reach for him, and he knew better than to fall in love with someone who he would have to disappear from.

(“You’re adorable, Wheein, but I don’t think this would be anything more than an one time thing.”

The silence didn’t kill either of them, and instead Wheein smiled and kissed him on the lips.

“Of course not, silly. I’m not really down for whatever it is anyways.”)

“You heading out?” she asked sleepily, rubbing the tiredness out of her eyes as she pulled the blankets to the aside. Even in this state, she was so cute. Smiling, he nodded his head before she got up from the bed and followed after him to the door.

Kissing her on the lips, she took a step back and smiled. “Let me know if you’re ever in the area again. My place is always open,” she laughed. A smile appeared on his face as she waved goodbye, and he was being hit by the fall weather at six in the morning. The morning sun had yet to peek out, and he was google mapping how he could get back before his class started. It was almost deja vu. This time though he had a portable charger in his hands, he knew how to use Google Maps, and he wasn’t going to miss his eight am class because he wanted some Tinder .

Shoving his red fingers into his pockets, he started his trek towards the bus stop. Things were different. There wasn’t a headache, his head wasn’t tired from all the drinking he did the night before, or even confused about the things he did before. Instead, his black sneakers hit the concrete at a steady rhythm of a song he had stuck on repeat. A year ago, he would have gotten confused by Google Maps, confused why he was in someone else’s bed when he class the next day, questioning if any of the the flings he was with were going to amount to a relationship, or more buddies he didn’t know.

Looking down at his phone, there was still a mile to walk in the darkness. He remembered only taking sips of alcohol because it made things comfortable for him. It meant getting down on people, feeling as though he had to be the best, or somewhat decent at things like that when he knew nothing about it.

He felt the crunch of the fall leaves below his feet. Each escapade was to forget the university’s reality. It was to erase his existence and have someone else make him feel as though he was the only person they cared about on Earth. Sighing, the bus stop was right ahead, and he would have to wait forty minutes for the next bus straight to the school.

Standing in the cold, he felt the air nip at his ears, at his hands, at his legs, everything. Jongdae couldn’t shake the memories away even with his music playing to help. It was just so much easier to remember bodies against his, a false sense of security for a moment, and to remember that with every step he took on campus, someone was judging him for trying to find love in something that could never possibly be.

His eight am class was his poetry class. It was a good class, he had to remind himself. He had to forget that there was something else on his mind. He had to forget the flesh against flesh. Moans in the darkness. He wanted to forget, but the cold continued to nip and remind him that this was something he was used to. As the others lined up for the bus, he just stared down at the ground. His sneakers were starting to wear out, the soles were coming apart, and he remembered wearing the same shoes whenever he stayed at someone else’s place.

No wonder the dorms thought he was a . Who was as proud as he was when it came to his ventures with people he never really cared about? No one. There were so many people he had to avoid in the dorms. He couldn’t keep doing this anymore, pretending something happened, or it didn’t happen, and so he bailed on the dorms. It wasn’t good for him anymore.

The bus stopped in front of him and as he queued up, he took a spot in the back, his fingers warming up, and his ears were still red because of the clouds. As his numb fingers pressed skip on tracks, he looked out the window, watching the world zoomed by him again. A year ago, he was disappearing from someone’s home, and hoping it would never happen again.

to; jongdae

from; duskull

hey, you’re slayin’ this year. nice.

Smirking, his numb fingers started to type away for a ghost who saw parts and pieces of it all.

to; duskull

from; jongdae

what makes you say that, loser?

to; jongdae

from; duskull

i see the snaps, i see you saying no to people, getting done,

you gotta give yourself some credit.

Smiling to himself, he just put his phone away, and continued to watch as the big city turned into freeways that would bring him back to reality. He hated his university, and he hated everything it did to him, but Duskull had a point. Things were different this year. Instead of shying away from conflict, or avoiding conversation about , he was bringing it up, and he was trying his best to continue to be himself in this weird thing of life.

The university’s stop was announced. He pulled on the yellow cord, got off, and adjusted his backpack. His feet crunched the autumn leaves, and he smiled at everyone who waved his way. Last year’s memories flew with the wind, and he was starting to feel something in his fingers. It was going to be okay. Things were different this year. Wrapping a strap of his backpack around his fingers, he sighed, watching his breath crystalize in the air. It was too cold, but he was too warm to believe otherwise.

As his red fingers opened the door to his building, he smiled once again. Things were going to be different. Things were going to be different. And he knew he was going to make them different this year. He had some amazing friends and mentors to remind him that things were going to be okay. He would be different. 

Getting to his seat fifteen minutes late, his red fingers continued to mess around with his bag. He ignored the judging looks from his peers, and ignored his nose that was a good color of red. He had a good night the night before, and he didn't give a about anyone's opinion.