“Ready to go?” Duskull asked as he knocked on Jongdae’s door the next day. Duskull looked incredibly good with his skinny jeans, caramel oxfords, a pea coat, and a sweet smile on his face. Jongdae always saw this guy in sweats and an old white t-shirt, but the moment he left his room, he looked amazing. It didn’t make sense how this guy could look so dolled up when he tried. Jongdae stared at his pajamas before looking back at Duskull. Yeah, there was no way he was going to go out in public with something like this. With a sigh, he let the man into his apartment as he decided to go change.

“We’re not going to beat traffic up if you take too long!” Duskull exclaimed as Jongdae ambled towards his room. Quickly throwing on some clothes for the winter, he came out to see Duskull looking at his various projects. Chapbooks for poetry splayed out on the table, the school’s literary journal on the side, a list of things he had yet to do, and as he skimmed through each of his work, Jongdae didn’t know what to say or do. These were things he didn’t share with others. Sure, he always told people he had something to do, but no one knew of the extent of it all. He saw the color-coded planner he had, he saw all the meetings, the appointments, the to-do lists, the performances, the work that had to be done, and as if Duskull stole a part of his soul, Jongdae didn’t know what to do but stare in confusion.

“Do you ever give yourself a break?” the brunette asked as he saw him staring. All his vulnerabilities were on a piece of paper. All his coping mechanisms disappeared because all he ever did was work himself to death. It was fine though. He loved working. There was no point to calm down and relax when there was so much to do. “I heard you rejected the RA position yesterday too,” he added.

Was he going to reprimand him for doing something like that? Was he going to grill him? He fumbled with his hands. He didn’t know what to say. Duskull saw parts of him that he never displayed to others. Insecurities, anxieties, depression, he saw them all. Was it possible for him to leave too? Was he going to tell him not to be the way he is? Playing with his burgundy sweater paws, Duskull glanced once more at everything on his table.

“Do you even have time to be doing this?” he questioned. And something in Jongdae sighed. “It looks like you have something to do every day for the next week, and you want to spend it with me?” he asked as though he couldn’t believe it. Thumbing through his planner, Jongdae only took a step back. Duskull rarely ever talked about himself. And what he uttered only reminded him of himself. The insecurity rang in his voice.

“Yeah, I really do,” he answered as he saw the slim figure bent over at all the items on his table like this was something he could never imagine. Because to him, Duskull was the light he wanted to share to the whole world. Duskull who was so rare in appearance, and he always made him happy with one interaction whether it be humming familiar jazz tunes, talking about life as it came closer, stealing all his coffee recipes, and trying to drink some of his concoctions, Duskull always reminded him he was doing well. Even though Jongdae had so many problems, he always wanted to hear his stories, always wanted to talk to him, and always wanted to know how he was doing.

He loved him in the same way he loved Doojoon, except for once, he didn’t feel the jealousy in his bones when he was with him. Jongdae just enjoyed being able to spend time with someone as amazing like Duskull. Seeing how he seemed to be tearing himself apart because he didn’t know that someone would want to hang out with him even though there was so many things he had to do was shocking. A moment later, Jongdae gave the other a back hug.

The boy cringed a little before relaxing into his grasps. “You’re important to me, and I want you to be a part of my life for a long time. I chose you over work because you mean that much to me,” Jongdae answered. When he pulled away, a small smile appeared on Duskull’s face. Jongdae could stare at that smile for days. It lit up a whole city, but as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared as the ghost decided to ask if there was anything he wanted to do in particular.

And if there was anything he wanted from Duskull, it was that smile once more on his lips. But he shook his head, readjusted the straps to his camera, and followed him down to the stairs to his car. This was the first time in a while since he explored the city sixty miles away. Last time, he was with an old friend coffee shop hopping until they were too tired to even get their lives together.

Today was a little different as Duskull put his Leon Bridges CD in, the sounds of R’N’B, and his soul played as they moved into the freeways. They hummed along to “Coming Home,” and as the CD came to an end, the two of them quietly looked out the windows, not sure what to say to the other. But for some reason, it wasn’t awkward for him. It felt right. They didn’t need constant conversation to keep the flow going. It didn’t feel awkward. It felt comfortable. His eyes fluttered asleep as the silence consumed the car, and as the concrete freeways were nothing more than blurs as Duskull sped ahead.

When he woke up, Duskull was parking his car at a coffee shop that he didn’t recognize. “You’re going to need coffee. Let’s go,” he answered. With that said, Duskull intertwined his fingers with Jongdae once more. It was natural between the two of them. While this kind of interaction never happened before, it was because they were always on the run. Duskull was always getting ready for work while Jongdae never had the moment to be with him in such intimacy before.

As they entered the homey coffee shop, he was surprised to see how empty it was. It was a hole in the wall kind of shop. Couches were around, the warm browns warmed his soul, and Jongdae took a quick glance at the seasonal menu before choosing a mocha. Duskull grabbed some drip coffee as they sat down in the corner.

The first thing Jongdae blurted out, “I’m really glad you’re in my life.” I was something kind of amazing. Duskull’s eyes widened a little as he sipped from his yellow mug. The things Jongdae was saying just surprised him. “You’ve always reminded me of my best friend. He’s supportive and loving, and is willing to hear the stupid stories I have for him. But you, you take it another step farther, and you tell your own stories, and you talk about yourself, and I just really appreciate that,” he started. He had no idea where this was coming from, but he was so happy that it was out there in the universe because the blush on Duskull’s face was something he never experienced before. He almost choked on his drip coffee as he talked.

“It’s because we’re lucky to have someone like you in our lives. And someone like you deserves good people. I looked at all your work, and I can’t help but reminded of myself. Working endlessly so that I’d forget all my worries, or so that I could be distracted from it all. I did that in my undergraduate career. I was a part of too many clubs, I was an officer for so many, and I was trying to balance a social life with it as well. It worked sometimes, but sometimes, you really needed to stop doing things, and just do nothing. I know that doesn’t make sense when everyone values being busy. But, you have to take time for yourself too by doing nothing.”

And just like the music in the background, they sipped away at their coffee. Jongdae taking it all in as he tried to comprehend what was going on.

“No one can be busy all the time without their soul being sapped away,” he added. Just like that, they entered their afternoon with stories about life, about themselves, how Duskull felt as though part of his soul was somewhere else, where he didn’t feel like he was himself, and how he lost something of himself when he was in his senior year of college. Now, he was just trying to retrieve his soul. Whether it be at different open mics and singing, or brewing coffee for Jongdae, or taking time to recover from everything around him, he was learning. As the bottom of their coffee mugs became empty, Duskull grabbed his bag, and Jongdae followed as well.

With such nice weather, Jongdae decided to take photos of the city and Duskull. As they wandered around, conversation left their lips like songs they wanted to sing at karaoke. He couldn’t help but feel rejuvenated.The city air’s froze his body and numbed his fingers, but Duskull continued to lace his fingers with his. It was just so they were both warm, just so they were both okay, platonically infatuated with the other, and Jongdae smiled at him before Duskull laughed and said, “Don’t fall in love with me, it’ll only hurt in the end.”

These were words he learned, not from him but from everyone else. If he ever fell for someone, there was always a higher probability that they weren’t ready for a relationship. He didn’t care. He didn’t want love even if his mind reminded him of his loneliness. He wanted this. He wanted a person to warm his numb fingers, remind him why life was worth living, and tell stories from his own past. He took those words in as they wandered around the outside market, staring at flowers that would be too beautiful to take, and neon signs that he only captured with his camera. As they adventured out, it became stories about anything and everything. From love to uality to depression to suicidal tendencies to loving oneself. And when they finally stopped, Jongdae had to ask.

“How’s it been for you lately? Have you been finding yourself at all?” Jongdae asked as they approached the end of the street, the water reassuring them, and Duskull turned to the railings, staring at the water that went beyond what they could see.

“I’m still waiting for that it moment. That moment where people don’t matter to me, that I’m okay with myself, and believing that whatever I’m doing is perfect for me. I’m still learning to cheer on the parts of me that no one else does, but it’s been easier when people like you appear in my life,” he said staring blankly out into the world. It was like Gatsby, and he was staring at the green light, hoping everything would stay the same or be like the past.

What was in his past that was so different now? What made it so he wanted to break every piece of himself and start to like the inside of his soul? Jongdae stared at his sharp profile. He noticed the bumps, the scars on his neck, the hint of facial hair. He watched as his chest rose and fell. As he exhaled, a cloud of ice appeared in the air, and it reminded him that they’ve been here long enough to see day turn into night.

But maybe Duskull would never let him know. Maybe he was just doomed to see him from the outside world. It wasn’t what he wanted, but if that was the only thing he was going to see then at least he would see it.

“I haven’t met a lot of people like you before, and as I come to meet more people, as people start to thank me for everything I’ve done for them, I start to see myself in that light. And it’s why I said you need breaks because if you don’t have a break from all the work, there’s never time to look in the mirror and refuel yourself in kindness.”

There was a lot Duskull told him tonight, but so much of it were things he didn’t think he’d know. When he texted him last night, Jongdae lazily only said a word because his body needed more rest than an adventure with someone. But with Duskull, who was still staring off into the distance like Gatsby, he felt everything was going to be okay. Sure, there were parts that seemed taxing, but it smoothed as quickly as possible.

“Whenever I go to the coffee shop, they're always raving about you. They say you’re so sweet, caring, and energetic. You make their days,” Jongdae stated and as he looked over to him one more time, he noticed the sadness from the very beginning of the day. All he wanted to do was erase it from him. But a hint of a smile appeared on his lips when he said those few words.

“I’m starting to believe it,” he finished. As they stared off into space one more time, Jongdae put his head on Duskull’s shoulders. He could feel his breathing now, and it was reassuring to know their breaths were in sync. He didn’t think today would be as calming as it would be. But being with Duskull reminded him of old records, good coffee, and warm winter nights. That was what Duskull was like to him. As his pale fingers continued to hold onto his, the ghost continued to breathe as Jongdae tried to imagine spending his day with someone else.

Instead, he only remembered seeing Duskull’s rosy pink lips pursed in a smile to show off those white canines. Instead, he remembered his big brown eyes staring out in the world, and his cheeks turning pink whenever he complimented him. Somehow, this was all he needed to recover from all the misery that sunk in his chest last night, and he had an inspiration to remind him why.