“It’s been awhile since we’ve done this, huh?” Doojoon asked as Jongdae escaped the noise with him. Their fingers interlaced because this was normal between the two of them. It was, and more often than not the two got looks. Every time they were together, someone thought they were dating. And as two men who were out of the closet, it didn’t matter to the either of them. It was just that Jongdae was tired of explaining to others that everyone he flirted with was just his friend. And more often than not, no one believed him. When he was holding hands with someone, or when he linked his arm with someone, they looked at him.

“Better late than never,” Jongdae scoffed as he led the boy up the stairs. While his apartment could be heard everywhere, no one seemed to care to complain. Maybe, it was because Jongdae was loved in the apartments, or it was because he never turned them in when they had their parties, but the farther away they went from his apartment, the more the noise started to sound like hauntings. And if Doojoon noticed, he didn’t say a word. As their fingers continued to be connected as they went up the wooden planks of the staircase, they finally came across the green door to the rooftop.
 

They used to do this all the time. Whether it be at Doojoon’s house, jumping onto his roof to see the stars they couldn’t see from Jongdae’s house, or walking uphill to the park where everything glittered, they used to escape their reality to talk about life, or about nothing at all. And tonight was just the same, as Jongdae opened the doors, the city’s skyline stared back at them, the benches the owner placed were still standing tall, and the tables were cleared of trash.
 

“Nice place,” Doojoon commented as he sat down at one of the tables while Jongdae took a bench. There was a random noise from Jongdae’s mouth, and that was it. The skyline greeted them, but no stars twinkled in the sky. The city scared away stars like the college scared away Jongdae’s confidence in himself. In silence, the two stared at it all. They took in the skyline. In other scenarios, Jongdae would be asking for someone to pass their blunt over to him so he didn’t have to be sober about this stuff. But this was Doojoon, and it was better to have conversations sober than slightly high with him.

“Yeah,” Jongdae replied. Something in him was starting to churn again. Just like at the party, he didn’t know what to do in these situations. His body was telling him something was wrong, his mind was on high alert, but it was just Doojoon and Jongdae staring at the world that was in front of him.

“Remember when we used to talk about s and girls in my car?” Doojoon started when the silence was too much for either of them. Smiling at the moment, Jongdae couldn’t help but remember when Doojoon told his tale. He was talking about how a girl blew him underneath the steering wheel, how there was a cop who pulled him over, and how he had to pretend that there wasn’t an attractive girl his underneath the wheel. Doojoon gave such graphic details that he wanted it to happen to him. Doojoon the Pimp was what Jongdae called him for the rest of their junior year of high school.

“Or when you asked me if I was ever down to do a with you and your girl?” Jongdae laughed as the memory played. It was just one random day during summer break, and Doojoon texted him if he was down. It was a saving grace for Doojoon’s miserable relationship right before college. And of course, the two had to break up because she didn’t want to do long distance, and he respected her decision. Those were the times. It wasn’t simpler. It wasn’t harder now. They were just different.

As he looked over at Doojoon, he saw how he had grown. His once dark hair had been dyed because of his friends’ recommendation. There were new scars on his left arm, and a tattoo on his right bicep. His ears were pierced, and Jongdae wondered if this was what change really meant. Looking back down at himself, he stared at his button down, his olive green jeans, and his oxfords. Mr. Dream Boat was sitting with a man who looked like he went to Colombia. This was how life worked for them. Sure, they were the still same people. Doojoon still loved lemonade and long talks, and Jongdae still loved playing chill music whenever he was over, but age gave them different experiences. And no matter how hard he tried, he was jealous of the boy who got to experience everything while he had to mature instead.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Doojoon randomly stated again. It was something he repeated at the party, and Jongdae didn’t know how to take these words. “You’re the strongest motherer here. I don’t know a lot of dudes who will sacrifice a chance at freedom to appease their parents. Or grow up, and see past all the fake idiots here,” he continued. Jongdae was silent, taking in all his words.

And it wasn’t as though he wanted to disagree, he wanted to agree with all his heart, but when he saw everyone living like life on Instagram, on Snapchat, and on any social media platform, all he could remember was being weary of what he could post, of what he could be, and of how he could be himself. He looked down at his phone. What did he have? Nothing. All he had for his hard work were people pestering him to come back to youth group, rejection after rejection from scholarships, rejections from jobs, constant awareness that he’ll never be anything more than just a student who worked hard and got unlucky.

And of course there was Doojoon who was sitting next to him, who worked just as hard, who had his own struggles, but whenever someone saw him, they saw someone amazing. That was what Yixing saw in him. That was what he heard from his old crushes and new friends. Doojoon made a name for him here, and managed to make everything incredibly amazing for himself. He established himself. Being on campus for four years gives him that advantage, but for Jongdae, he only had two. And he had no idea where to begin.

When Yixing told him about his date with Doojoon, his eyes shone in admiration. It was Doojoon, the man everyone knew on campus, and everyone knew he was doing something with his life. Yixing looked at him and told him he wanted to be like this guy. But Yixing was already someone who was running around from place to place, whether it be working, or participating in an internship, or doing something, for someone like Yixing to tell him he wanted to be like his best friend, it was something else.

“I want to be like you,” Doojoon said out of nowhere.

And Jongdae busted out in laughter. He cocked his head back to the sky in disbelief. His calloused hands covered his stomach as he howled to the stars he couldn’t see in the sky. Closing his eyes, he didn’t see the yellow hues of the skyline, he didn’t see the red blinking lights from the airplanes, instead, he laughed at it all.

“You want to be like me?” he exclaimed. “I’m a mess, Doojoon! Look, haven’t you heard the rumors in this tiny little ing college? I’m the kind of guy that everyone thinks is flirting with them. I’ve never had a real relationship. I keep failing to get any kind of scholarship anywhere I go. I’ve managed to be rejected to all the jobs I applied for. You want to be like me!? You want to be like me?! I ing had to run away from the dorms in spring quarter because I thought everyone hated me. I was so paranoid of being unliked that I wanted to throw up! My best friend left me, left me in the ing dust. And you know why?! It’s because I’m a . That dude I went on a date with on the first day thought I wasn’t that type of person. Oh, but I ing am! He didn't even know me and fell in love with a ing image. Look, Doojoon, if you haven’t noticed, you have it ing all. I was just a ing reject! I can’t keep a person, I can’t keep anything. And I sacrificed a future for this!” he screamed, kicking a table over. In a hysteria, he stood on his bench, and stared at the skyline that mocked him.

“You want to be the loner?! You want to play the game of always being the drifter, never really belonging!? Be my ing guest! But know that this is hell. This is all hell. I just wanted to ing graduate and get out this hell hole,” he screamed, and flipping off the skyline, the damn skyline no one even cared about.

He shouted, “I ing hate you, college!”

And just like that, he dropped back onto the bench, not noticing the hot red tears streaming down his face, not noticing Doojoon had picked up the table, and how Doojoon put his head on his knees, rubbing circles onto his thighs. Just like that, all the emotions he held in were out in the open. Doojoon knew his story. He knew parts of it, but never like this. Never as extreme as this. And now he was sobbing at his own party, as though the world was against him, but he should have been happy. It was a successful party. People were having fun, and he saw it in their faces. It was a good time for everyone.

He should be as happy as those people. Why couldn’t he be happy? Scrunching the sides of his hair, he had no idea what to say in frustration, in sadness, in everything but just wanting to know how anyone could see something amazing in him.

“You highlight your insecurities more often than not, and that takes a lot of guts. You have a whole row of supporters for you, but you can’t see it. You’re doing so good in life,” Doojoon soothed as he continued to rub circles on his knees as the skyline continued to mock his existence. There was something about Doojoon that he just couldn’t shake off. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to shake it off.

Looking at the boy’s dark eyes, Jongdae only sniffed a little before saying, “Thanks.” It was just how things were between the two of them. One of them had an outburst, and the other took care of them. Whether it be because of a break up (Doojoon), or getting rejected from an university (Jongdae), they were always there for each other whether it be in text, or in person, or just late phone calls. This was their friendship, and whether anyone else knew that, it didn’t matter because it only mattered to the two of them.

“I didn’t think you could throw a tantrum like that though,” Doojoon snorted as he pulled away and sat next to him.

Punching his shoulder, Jongdae glared at him before saying, “You literally did this every time a girl broke up with you, don’t give me that bull.”

Like it was old times, they were back to laughing about stupid high school memories, or about the people in their classes, or the lame events on campus, and what they did to their intelligence. They were the most sober people at that party, but if anyone saw them on the rooftop, they’d probably think they were the drunkest kids at the party. While the skyline was judging their every action, it was the first time in a long time that Jongdae felt the color yellow in his bones. It was the first time in a long time that his worries quickly eased with only a few sentences with Doojoon.

Sure, he’d be jealous and admirable at the same time, but Doojoon always reminded him that he was pretty great too. And that was what he wanted too.