Jongdae woke up the next day with a heavy heart. Running a finger through his hair, he shut the door behind him, and knocked on Duskull’s door. His figure was still tired from the tears he shed the night before. He tried to talk to him earlier, but he disappeared again so he spent Valentine’s Day alone. As Duskull opened the door, he offered a soft smile before hugging the boy, and hushing him as he entered the room.

“You’re such a crybaby,” Duskull joked as the smell of coffee hit Jongdae. It was strange how comforting coffee could be now. As he took a seat on the ground, Duskull started to work on a new latte concoction for him. Because Jongdae could never do drip, Duskull always liked messing with his taste buds. Sighing, he fell to the ground, his lids still heavy from last night’s crying session.

“Can you not be a jerk?” Jongdae asked before throwing a pillow in his direction. Duskull snorted before cleaning the machine.

“Sorry, it’s just something you’ll have to deal with,” he added. There was nothing else Duskull could say to make it all go away. All the memories of these failures played in his head, and there was no one he could call to make it go away. His buddies had someone for Valentine’s Day, and he was too tired to flirt his way into someone’s bed for a night. So, instead, he let the thoughts of his failures play, all the times he questioned if someone was interested in him, or if they just wanted to have with him. All of it came rushing, and instead of having the energy to open the door, leave, and join his friends, he stayed indoors. Energy left his body. It was exhausting.

Not once did they even thank him for doing anything. All he saw was someone asking him to do something for them. All he did was do people things out of the kindness of his heart. His best friends didn't say thank you. Instead, he laid down on the cream carpet, staring at the ceiling, hoping it would all go away. All the thoughts, wouldn’t they all go away?

“Coffee for your thoughts?” Duskull asked.

“ love,” Jongdae stated finally. In his mind, the thoughts of something being so close to love burst into flames as the person he almost fell for told him he was only interested in being buddies. In his mind, a person’s make out session burned yet the next day, they told him he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Again and again, those cases played again. love, the idea of romance, that he could ever find someone who could love him. “ it. How can someone as great as me be treated as all the time?” he asked again and again. In some kind of misery, he tried to cheer himself up. He tried to count all the beautiful qualities in his soul, but then it collapsed, and he fell onto the ground, crying again.

No matter how many times he tried to put himself out there, it just shattered in front of him. It wasn’t worth figuring out. Staring at the empty ceiling, the thoughts didn’t leave, they didn’t go away even though it wasn't Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t that day, but the thoughts stayed. How could this be? Why did it have to be like this? Couldn’t it all go away?

“When the time is right, they’ll be there, promise. But you’re doing okay now. Look at all the people you’ve been snatching. People would have thought you were doing worse, but you’re living, and people would be jealous to see how far you’ve come. Look at everything you’ve done. When the time is right, someone as beautiful as yourself will come and make life worth living,” he stated.

As the sun shone through the windows, blinding his eyes, Jongdae shut his eyes, trying to remember all the reasons why he was like this. He got all the people he really wanted to get, and those people were as beautiful as he imagined them. It was easy to play this casual dating game, but it was harder to believe each time it happened that there was someone for him.

“How the hell have you gone through so many relationships but not want to stay?” Jongdae asked. His eyes still closed, and Duskull ran a finger through his hair with a shrug.

“Relationships aren’t all that. My first girlfriend turned out to be nothing I ever wanted, and I romanticized her to no end,” he replied as he drank his own coffee. Without the music playing, all they heard was the hum of the heater, and the quiet words being spoken through the night. “After that, I realized that there was no point to rush into something. Sure there’s a lot of things that could work, but I don’t think I really wanted to try again unless there was this feeling I wanted,” he finished. As Duskull slurped down the rest of his coffee, he wiped away the stains with his white T-shirt, and ruffled his brunette hair. He stared at Jongdae from where he stood. Jongdae was still quiet and confused, but he opened his eyes to stare at him.

“You think to yourself, you want to be part of that journey of seeing them grow, seeing them run in the darkness with a sparkler, and hope they want the same for you,” Jongdae whispered, but he didn’t know. He saw so many people getting into relationships when he never saw the possibility. They grew to like the other person, and he wondered if it was possible to like someone like that. It was frustrating because there were so many people who could get into relationships with just such superficial feelings for someone. “But sometimes, it doesn’t work that way either,” he sighed.

Getting up from the ground, he ran a finger through his hair, and headed out of the apartment. His mind couldn’t figure out how love was supposed to work. His mind didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to see all the couples, he didn’t want to hear about how his friends’ dates went, and he certainly didn’t want to see anyone. Instead, he shut the door behind him, and stayed in his apartment.

The silence was comforting. There was no one to tell him there was something to worry about, there was nothing to remind him that he was always going to be alone. Instead, he sat on the ground, staring at some email telling him he got the offer to be a RA. Staring blankly at the email, he laughed. Of course, he might not have luck with romance, but the one time he gets lucky was when he was offered the position to be back in the hell that completely broke him. Of course it was that.

Pressing reply, the sadness was heavy on his shoulders. His fingers typed away a reply before he flung his phone to the side. His parents would be disappointed with him. Everyone would ask why he stopped wanting to be a RA. It was such a good job, and it would be so nice for him. There would be so many benefits. It was a mistake.

But looking at the black book on the table, he laughed. Reject a job offer, that was what he wanted to do, right? He was too good for the RA job. He didn’t need the opportunity for others to talk behind his back, to not be invited to parties, to wonder if everyone hated him, or if they thought he was a manwhore too. Sighing, he didn’t want that pressure on his shoulders, and finally he laid down on the ground. The overwhelming amount of sadness hit him like a sea. Today, he wouldn’t move a muscle just to go to the coffee shop, or hit up any of his friends up to hang out.

Instead, he wanted to lie in bed, fingers entangled with blankets, the heater on blast, and sleep. He’ll get to his work at some point, just not today. Today, he needed some rest, and he didn’t want to take care of all the homework that wasn’t due until Tuesday. Instead, he crawled into his bed, wrapping the blankets around his body. This wasn’t worth it at all.

No, today, he needed rest. No, today, he wasn’t going to try and be someone he wasn’t. Today, he would stay in bed until it all disappeared, until all the moments disappeared, until he would be okay.

to; jongdae
from; duskull
let’s go to the city tomorrow.

to; duskull
from; jongdae
ok.