Alcohol, check, red solo cups, check, and plenty of chasers? Check. Jongdae was never the type to be unprepared for events. In fact, he was the one who made sure they were going to be completely okay until something inevitably went wrong. As he pulled out his favorite party playlist on Spotify, he stared at his empty apartment. He was lucky. He managed to snag a single apartment without a roommate. His parents were completely okay with that. The white walls stared back at him, the wooden cupboards in his kitchen smiled at him, and he had enough room for so many people. He was lucky. He could be by himself, and not have to worry about someone else. Being alone was something he came accustomed to.

“Yo, open up the door!” shouted someone beyond his door. Shaking off his reverie, he plastered a smirk on his face and sauntered towards the door. It was just natural for him to pretend for too many people. As he opened the door a smidge, there was Baekhyun waving two more bottles of rose wine. And Jongdae wanted to smack it out of his grasps because who the brings wine to a college party? Well, apparently Baekhyun who was too classy for red solo cups, came into his kitchen, uninvited, to grab a wine glass. Behind him was Yixing with a grin on his face.

“I told him not to bring good wine because no one here would appreciate it,” he joked before following Baekhyun. Rolling his eyes, Jongdae knew better than to trust his two imbeciles of best friends to grab good alcohol for a party. He should have expected the two of them to bring something classy when this party was going to be the most ratchet thing he hosted all year. It was okay though, the bottles of good alcohol was still in his shelves: Cognac, moscato, good whiskey, and a few bottles of patron. They were all hiding in the shelves. The cheap stuff like beer, vodka, rum, and those things were all on his table. Hell, he even had a cooler for the jungle juice Doojoon wanted to mix in for the night.

It was with the two guys here, he couldn’t think about the misery swarming around in his chest. While the two were reveling in the set up for his apartment, he was tempted to open up a bottle already and be drunk before any of his guests came. Something in him was churning. But it wasn’t as though he wanted that to happen, it was just that it was there. And as he prepped again and again for this party, he could still feel the churn his body. Don’t drink, he told himself. Don’t drink, he warned. Alcohol and sadness wasn’t the best combo, and as a lightweight, he wasn’t ready for the consequences of being drunk.

“Hey, you alright?” Baekhyun turned away from the balloons to look at Jongdae who was blankly staring at the alcohol. Snapping out of his reverie, Jongdae pulled out a sly grin. It was the same grin that caught everyone off guard.

“Never better, loser,” he joked. But in the back of his mind, he knew that there was something wrong with him tonight. And if he continued to fake it, he’d probably turn to alcohol to keep that misery inside. It was easier to play this game of pretending with his friends. The two of them didn’t know what to do when he started crying on the ground in their apartment, or they’d shut down when he tried to be open with them. It wasn’t a dude thing. It wasn’t something people talked about. He just didn’t know who he could turn to if his best friends weren’t the ones he could talk to. Accepting that answer, Baekhyun turned back to the balloons and started smacking Yixing with one.

The façade could continue until someone saw him trip. It was going to be okay, he reminded himself. Next Tuesday, he’d be able to talk to his counselor. By Monday, he probably won’t have time to feel his emotions, and that was okay too. He just had to get through this night. He just couldn’t touch his alcohol. He just couldn’t let anyone know about the world spiraling out of control in his body.

The party started pretty quickly. Doojoon came through with a lot of the workers from the café. Most of them were grinding on each other while enjoying their own red cups. Freshmen, what could you do about that? Taeyeon brought over some of her stash to share with the others if they were interested, and they were currently vegging out on his couch, sharing a blunt with a few other people. Yixing and Baekhyun? They were playing beer pong with Ha Neul and his group of grad friends. But he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. His thoughts were racing as others came up to talk to him, or have their cups refilled.

This wasn’t normal. He knew it, but if he pretended to be something else, they’d notice. So, he pressed a fake smile onto his face. He watched as people hung around the dim yellow lights of his living room. He watched as a few s away from the living room to his bedroom. Drunk giggles escaping their lips as they held hands, and he knew those blue sheets were going to have to be washed. His thoughts continued to play with his anxious mind. There were too many strangers in his house. There were too many people while his mind was jumbled with thoughts of put downs and negativity. Look at this lame party his thoughts haunted him. No one wanted to be here, it continued, but he knew they were wrong.

Yixing and Baekhyun exclaimed as they beat Ha Neul and Joon Gi at their best game. The red solo cups gone from the table, and Joon Gi and Ha Neul were finishing off the last of the cups. Their eyes were gleaming. Drinking as though it was the last day of the quarter, Yixing and Baekhyun only smiled joyously as their opponents finished their last cup.

Taeyeon was making a blunt to pass around while Jiyong had his arm around her shoulder, watching her as though she had stars on her face, as though she was just made out of fairy dust, and he could only smile. Her finger swiftly rolled the blunts, the scent of weed mixing with the sweat and alcohol in the air. Her eyes widening in amazement as she realized she could make a blunt. Jiyong’s arms s back to its original place as he pulled out a lighter from his pocket. And like a loving couple, he lit the blunt while she took the first two hits. The girl giggled a little, a puff of smoke appearing out of as though she was a dragon. And Jiyong only smiled as though she was the only thing he could see in this room.

Love, how beautiful it was to witness. Forcing his fingers down his pants’ pocket, he looked back down at the alcohol. How many years had it been since he felt that way? Too long, he’d think. It was just a grind now. Flirt a little on the side, and hope for the best. No one ever made him feel the same way those two looked. And maybe it was a problem with him, but he could never understand how to feel that. You’re too stupid to love, his thoughts started. There it was. The darkness of his thoughts echoing in his hollow mind. Look, you tried once. And got your heart hurt, his thoughts continued. It wasn’t as though he wanted it to be like this. It just happened. He flirted a little, but it was just in his nature. And if he tried to cut that part off him, he wouldn’t be himself anymore. Staring into space, he wandered into his own world. This was when no one would notice if he was spacing out.

No one knew if there was something going on with him. It was just in his nature to be like this. Sometimes, he’d just stop listening to anything and stop and stare at space. Yixing and Baekhyun knew that. They knew he would disappear for a moment. If they were trying to get him back to Earth, it would be hard. Jongdae just stared at the white space between the beer pong table, and the dancing. His mind continued to spiral out of control about anxiety and depression, about love and the lack of love. It wasn’t as though he wanted to be this way. It just happened. He didn’t want to be the guy who everyone knew got around. His personality shredded away into nothingness. He didn’t know why everyone was attracted to him last year. He didn’t try to be anyone. Instead, he just stood there, and people flocked to him as though there was something special. There was nothing. There was nothing to constitute he was interested in anyone. It was just that everyone assumed. It was just that everyone whispered in the dorms’ halls, and thought his actions meant he was flirting. But this was who he was. How could anyone assume who he was? It just wasn’t possible.

“Have you even touched the alcohol?” someone asked. Jongdae’s dark eyes looked away from the white space and to the newcomer. The kind smile on his face, dark eyes, stared back at him. Yoon Doojoon had a weird way of appearing whenever he needed him.

“Nah,” he shrugged as he offered Doojoon another red cup, but the boy shook his head.

“I’m working tomorrow so I gotta stay within my limits,” he laughed before taking the cup from him, and passing it to a random person. With a nod of his head, he decided to lean against the counter next to Jongdae. “You got a good turn out. I always knew you were great at parties,” he commented, waving at a few of the workers at the coffee shop. That was the thing about Doojoon. He just knew how to make others feel good about themselves. Whether it be from his easygoing smile, or the way he treated others, Doojoon showed almost no flaws, and even though Jongdae knew Doojoon better than that, and knew some of the troubles he went through, it still amazed him how he got through each day.

“I never threw a party before so how could you know?” Jongdae questioned, tilting his head to the side. Sure, he had small get togethers, board game nights, dinners with friends, but never to the scale of random strangers coming to his apartment and actually having a party. It was strange, and being the host meant a little too much for him. There were expectations, and he didn’t think he could meet them.

“You always liked hosting things, and having people altogether,” Doojoon started before turning to face the window and everyone in front of the window. Even in the midst of loud music, weed, alcohol, and dancing, it felt as though it was just the two of them. For a long time, it had been just them. They went to highschool together. Jongdae introduced himself first when they sat across the room from each other in Japanese. Making faces at him, and him reciprocating just the same way. They were friends that way. And as they were moved around in classes, Jongdae always found himself bumping into him, just like that. “You’ve come a long way, bro,” he replied, punching his shoulder.

He remembered the days they both cried because of calculus. He remembered sitting in front of their physics classroom, and having a mental breakdown. He remembered shouting at Doojoon to die in Japanese while everyone else looked at them weird. And other days, he remembered sitting in Doojoon’s ty first car, a strawberry car scent hanging from his mirror. How they went everywhere and nowhere.

Then, Doojoon went to college. Jongdae was left at community college. Their conversations got cut shorter because of their lives. There was no more shouting. He was just alone. His fingers started to crave for the red solo cup, and as if it had a mind of its own, he chugged the jungle juice all in one shot. Concerned, Doojoon, took the cup away from him, and stared at him.

“Let’s get out of here, what about that?” he asked. The alcohol worked fast in Jongdae’s body, and with a nod, he followed Doojoon out of the apartment to wherever they might be going.