March 24, 2017

Seoul, South Korea

Was there anything more beautiful than dust motes floating in the morning sunlight?

Nam Ji Hyun held out her hand, attempting to capture the meandering sparkly bits as she lay in her room and did absolutely nothing. Her headphones were playing Day6's "Goodbye Winter". After that strange, beautiful day in January, she had listened to the song often. In moments where the memories threatened to overwhelm her she would sing along loudly, pretending she was exorcising demons within.

And she was feeling good. Terrific in fact.

After the first frantic days at the beginning of the year, things had winded down significantly. She had been going to classes again and her schedule only had everyday JiHyuni items. Lectures, friends.  No interviews, no filming, no hair or makeup.  

It had been over a month since her last official event and that was only to go to Gong Hyo-Jin sunbae-nim's movie premiere. Other agency mates from Soop had come as well and it had been good to see them though she had avoided hanging around the big boss too long. Adorable teddy bear that he was, he could still see right through you and she didn't want any interrogations of her plans for the near future.

When Omma asked, she had used classes as an excuse. But the fact of the matter was, she didn't know. This didn't feel like the times when she was younger and conflicted about being an actress. Back then she would wake up with doubts and fears, worried that she would never be a good actress, feeling every rejection. Wondering if there was a different path in life she should take before it was too late.

After high school, she had taken a good long look at her life. She listed down each project she had worked on and in the process she thought about the people she had met, the friends she made, the sunbaes who had sat down in between takes to help her and the crew who had become family each time. She thought about the joy she felt when delving into a new script. How her favorite part was understanding the whys of her character. The thrill of being able to suggest tweaks to flesh out the moment. And the even bigger thrill of having the PD or writer consider it.

So, no. This wasn't the same restlessness as back then. She knew now she was fortunate to find something she could be passionate about and she was determined to perfect her craft. It didn't bother her if some thought her plain. She'd done it all; country accent, no makeup, frumpy clothes, frizzy hair. Things some beautiful actresses would not touch with a 10 foot pole. But for her, she had been fortunate to land projects that she could immerse in. 

She had also secretly started writing. Nothing special, at least not yet. It was going to be a script for a story that kept playing in her mind. When she had signed up for college, she had enrolled as a psychology major to the surprise of many. Most expected her to take drama or film & arts and she probably could have been happy doing that too. On days when the heavy textbooks and mounds of assignments were stacked heavily in front of her, she seriously wondered what the hell she had been thinking. But everything she learned proved further inspiration for her work and gave her ideas for the script she had laying open right now on her laptop.

She rolled over and stared at the words on the screen. It was going to be a psychological thriller (of course) about a serial kidnapper and the detective chasing him. The villain was sadistic and mad, driven to understand what motivated people since he himself could not feel emotion. And while she had many character sketches and notes for the kidnapper, she barely had any for the Detective.

Each time she tried he became more and more like a certain familiar someone. Who she was trying really really hard to forget. It had been two months since she had last seen him. But her infatuation had started over two years ago so she really should give herself say, another two years to get over it.  

Before the music award show, she was content with her little fantasies, secure that they were not real, would never be real. But their encounter, brief as it was, had blown a hole through the separation of reality and fantasy.

She was embarassed and mortified that she had let her feelings built on nothing but dreams and flights of imagination overwhelm her. Of course there would be disappointment. Real Chang Wook was not the same as Dream Chang Wook. No, she shouldn't call him that, not even in her mind. From now on it was Ji Chang Wook-shi/sunbae-nim. She had no claim to him. In real life all they had were those few words at the Awards show.

She hugged her pillow tight and sighed. To be honest Real Chang Wook, no, Real Ji Chang Wook-shi had been pretty wonderful too. She still wasn't sure what happened. But she felt a thread of sympathy that he had been feeling so nervous. Just because someone laughed around and seemed outgoing didn't mean that they weren't actually shy inside. 

It was his apology that really got to her. He had seemed so remorseful. Looking into his eyes, she could tell it meant a lot to him that he could have hurt her in any way. And she had realized then she was being unfair. It wasn't his fault she had let her emotions get the better of her or misunderstand the situation. She was guilty of judging him when she didn't know him. As hard to believe as it was, he had been feeling nervous and shy, bless him.

So she had smiled and they had started over. 

She didn't remember much about their time on stage even though Twice (TWICE!!!!) had been standing right in front of her. All she could think of was remembering to breathe from the moment his hand touched hers. To the feel of his arms under her fingers as they walked on stage. To the short glances she stole as they stood in the spotlights. Everything seemd to happen in dreamlike flashes under the bright glare of cameras and stage lights.

Afterwards, they had chatted a little about inconsequential things. Mutual friends, how long they'd been going to the salon, his flight the next day, her travels recently. And before she knew it they were back at the waiting room where Omma was hugging her, saying she did terrific and looked beautiful up there. 

He had bowed politely again then left not too long after. She knew he had a long trip ahead and meetings with fans overseas. She wishes she could text him good luck but they did not have a relationship where numbers could be exchanged. 

So she went home that night with a new determination to wipe it all clean. No more fantasy man. No more childish crushes. Ji Chang Wook-shi was a real person and if he knew the thoughts and fantasies she had been having, he would have been horrified (and she would have died with embarassment).

To prove that she could separate real and fantasy she had hearted the next instagram posting of his that happened across her feed. Hairstylist Unnie and a quite a few of their mutual friends had liked it so she had pressed the heart as well. In the past she had looked but never clicked because she was afraid it revealed too much of her feelings. But there. See. Clicked and done. Nothing special. Just liking any old post like a normal person. 

A knock sounded on her door, interrupting her musings. JiHyun sat up, surprised to see how much of the day had passed while she lazed around on her bed. She looked up to see Omma standing near the door, her eyes rolling at the sight of JiHyun's rumpled hair and tangled blankets.

"Aigoo, Nam Ji Hyun. Until when are you going to say in bed? Even if you have no schedule you can't camp out in your PJs all week."

"Arasso, Ommoenim. I'm getting up. No, seriously"

She quickly shut her laptop and rolled off the bed only to stop in surprise to see her mother was still standing there waiting. Something seemed to be weighing on her mind

"Well, JiHyuni... the thing is, I'm a little worried about you. You've been quiet lately and it's not like you to stay at home all the time."

"Omma, I'm fine really. I'm just a little tired from all the projects last year. And you should see the school assignments I've got. They're enough to keep me busy for the next ten years."

She tries to smile reassuringly but her mother looks at her skeptically, apparently not buying it. However, she decides not to pursue the point. Instead she holds out a stack of papers, waiting for JiHyun to take them.

"Omma, what's this?"

"I just got a call from CEO-nim and it's the script for a new project. No - wait, before you say anything, read it first. I think this is a good opportunity. If you really don't want to do it, I'll tell them no. But the thing is, they need an answer soon. Script sessions and filming start in about a week."

JiHyun scans through the pages, not realizing that the minutes are ticking by as she soaks in the dialogue.

Her mother smiles and quietly heads out only to stop before she closes the door.

"And dear, I forgot one last thing"

"What is it?"

"If you say yes, they'll need you to do a screen test with the lead"

"Who is it?"

"Ji Chang Wook"

And with that loaded bomb her mother gently closes the door leaving JiHyun reeling.

Author's note: Day 6's Goodbye Winter is a song Nam Ji Hyun posted on Instagram the day after the Seoul Music Awards. If you haven't already, give it a listen. It's a beautiful song

DAY6 – GOODBYE WINTER (겨울이 간다)

The day that brings out memories I couldn't forget
The dream that was so warm
That midwinter day

The warmth of the bench in front of the house
That we left full
Disappears without a sound

Good bye
To you that had been frozen inside me until yesterday
Never let go
Never let go ah

You, it felt like 
You would always be forever inside me
Gotta let go
Gotta let go ah

The winter you were in, ends

The snow that covers my heart
Is slowly melting
Even your hands that were so warm
Is slowly cooling

The footprints we left behind
I turn around
And before I know they disappear without a sound

Good bye
To you that had been frozen inside me until yesterday
Never let go
Never let go ah

You, it felt like 
You would always be forever inside me
Gotta let go
Gotta let go ah

I've been living inside that season
Where I couldn't let you, who made me weary, go
This is it, I know it is over
I know everything now

The winter you were in, ends

Lyrics and translations courtesy youtube user tempete at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tDeOFQ9EG0