January 19, 2017

Seoul, South Korea

"Hello, I'm Nam Ji Hyun"

No, that sounded too breathless. She tried again.

"Good evening, I'm Nam Ji Hyun"

Now she sounded like a robot. Ugh. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and quietly urged herself to get it together. She could do this. She could go on stage like the many, many times she'd done this before and say the words she was supposed to say.

Fortunately for her, there was no one else in the vast bathroom to see her embarassing nervous episode. Her cheeks felt flushed and she wished more than anything she could splash water on her face; but, it would ruin her makeup and with her luck she would get water spots all over her gown.

She'd better go out. Omma would be looking for her soon if she disappeared any longer. Call time was in about 45 minutes. She stepped out into the bustling hallway and tried not to trip over the equipment and the people hurrying along. Tonight's award show was being broadcast live and that seemed to put everyone on edge. 

As she passed by several closed doors she saw signs for the different groups stationed within. There was 'Twice', one of her favorite groups; and behind a door labeled 'Mamamoo' she heard loud squeals and laughter. A huge part of her was so thrilled to be here tonight.

She had spent the last couple of hours in the audience watching  performances by some of the hottest names in Korean entertainment and she had loved every second. Singing along when she could; basking in the collective talent present tonight. As someone who could not (and should not - according to her friends) sing she appreciated it even more in those who could. As the night moved on, however, she became singularly aware of the time. 

And so, earlier that night, it was a huge relief when a coordinator quietly stepped over to let her know she needed to head backstage. She could finally get this over with. With all the elegance and confidence she could muster, she followed along trying hard not to look over the guests to see if that person, the one who was causing all her anxiety, had already left backstage or was still seated.

She and Omma had been the first ones in the waiting room, so JiHyun had slipped away to the restrooms to find a few quiet moments and calm herself.  When she came back to the room, it was still surprisingly empty. Omma must have stepped out; but a TV was playing near the back showing the live feed of the show. She walked in only to pause again.

She was wrong, the room was not empty. 

A sofa was facing the TV and from the back she could see long arms slung over the top. Other than that she could only see the back of a head. But, she had spent many years looking at those shoulders and she knew. It was him. The person she had tried to avoid thinking about all night. Through some quirk of fate they wre being paired up tonight to present on stage.

Nam Ji Hyun. Girl, you better get it together. Inner JiHyun was whispering urgently trying to make sure she did not make a fool of herself.

On legs that felt suddenly unsure, she walked around and bowed politely in respect. 

"Hello I'm Nam Ji Hyun. It's nice to meet you, sunbae-nim"

Long legs straightened up and stood. Paper rustled as he set a program list aside. Ji Hyun glanced up in confusion when no response came forthcoming. He was not looking at her. Or rather, he was looking at her but not the way one would expect him to be looking. Instead his eyes seemed to be taking a slow leisurely perusal of her self.

Ah, is this how it's going to be, she thinks. A low pit of disappointment threatening to engulf her. She is a nobody and he is a Hallyu Star. Perhaps he thinks all girls are easy and will fall at his feet. In this industry she has heard of many men like that. They saw young girls desperate to catch a break as easy prey, but she never thought, never expected...

She doesn't know who she is more disappointed with. Him, for ruining her fantasy; or herself, for creating those fantasies in the first place. She steels herself and straightens, determined not to be cowered or allow the man before her to view her as yet another aimless, pretty face. If he expected her to simper with delight, he had picked the wrong girl.

His eyes finally look at hers. His expression stunned.

"You are quite done, sunbae-nim?" 

She infuses each word with cold steel even as her heart is breaking with the shattering of her fantasies.

Her words seems to shake him out of whatever thrall had gripped him. His eyes widen, then he quickly steps around her. 

"I'm, I'm sorry... Excuse me." He bows briefly and walks out of the room.

The silence that follows feels like a bomb explosion. JiHyun stares at the closing door then sinks unsteadily onto the sofa.

What the hell had just happened?