Winter was upon us and as the snow fell, I was busy preparing for my comeback. Sitting in my studio, I spun around in my chair trying to clear my head a little as I would be leaving to film the music video any minute now. To be honest, I don’t know why I came here when I should have been at home relaxing but I just couldn’t stay at home. I had an idea why I was restless and I wasn’t going to let that idea become reality. The door opened stopping my spinning as I saw Hyung and as motioned for me to hurry up, I stood with a groan before lightly jogging to meet him outside in the hallway. Walking down the hall side by side, his phone rang and as I took a peek at the caller I.D. I encouraged him to take it. He was a little hesitant, watching me with worried filled eyes, before bringing the phone to his ear as he became gross. Laughing to mask the fact that the air was a little tense, I walked a little faster to the van as I didn’t want him to know that I was listening to his conversation. They weren’t really talking about anything important but it still felt as if I was intruding.

Getting in the van, I immediately got on my phone going over the track list that we had decided on but I still had to work on my cover art. The title and everything else was picked out, but I just didn’t know what I wanted to put on the cover. They wanted me to do a photoshoot and I shot down the idea as I’ve taken enough pictures this year and I just really wanted something simple. The next idea was snow since it was winter but I felt like that was a little overboard, and now we’re back at square one. Sighing, I looked through the ideas that Sub and Sik had given me and as the list was long I just scrolled before stopping. It said flower or flowers, so searching online I looked for different types of flowers and their meanings.

“We’re here.” Raising my head, I looked out the window to see that we were indeed at the filming location.

Nodding, I did one last search before deciding on what I wanted and sending it in so that they could do something with that, I got out already knowing that my phone was going to be busy today. Making my way inside, I greeted everyone as I saw the extremely simple set up that made me smile. Behind me was a bleacher that held white chair that seemed to sparkle from the small bursts of glitter that was thrown on them. In front of me was a blank white wall that would show the footage that was shot a day prior by some actors that I’ll never meet. Stepping back a little, I hurried to get dressed as I didn’t want to be the reason that filming took so long.

“You look good, Eunkwang. I think it was a good choice to dye your hair black.” I blushed at the compliment as I was a little skeptical at first seeing as how I’ve haven’t had black hair since I was a trainee.

“Did you have a good conversation with Junhyung Hyung?” He nodded causing a blush to come across his face this time. “I’m only telling you this because I’m tired of holding you back. If he calls when your around me and it’s a video chat, then pick it up instead of waiting until you’re alone. I promise I won’t be hurt by it.”

“Are you sure?” The person who was doing my hair walked away leaving me to stare at Hyung through the mirror.

“I’m positive. He’s going to be your spouse whenever you two decide to get married, and I’m going to support you the whole way; also, I plan to keep you as my manager for a long time, so it’ll be best if we were all on good terms.” He thanked me causing me to stand as I was called for us to start shooting.

Walking towards the director, he told me to wait a minute as they dimmed the lights restarting the film as they wanted me to enter a little while after. Nodding, I waited as the music started the play not walking into the cameras sight until the lyrics started. My steps were slow as I crossed them one in front of the other while watching the wall in front of me. Stopping I turned to watch it with my head tilted as a small smile came onto my face. That was the first take as I was continuously told what to do after, and as we were now on the second to last shot, I slowly made my way up the bleachers taking one of the middle seats in the center. Letting out a slow deep breath, I wrapped the coat around me a little more but my eyes never left what was in front of me. After that cut was over, I saw someone else come in so greeting them I watched as they were told to sit down next to me.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She was around my age with black hair to match my own but the only difference was that she wore more accessories than I did. “Let’s finish this nicely.”

She nodded which calmed my heart down a little as I went to look back at the screen noticing that she was the girl from the film. I didn’t even know that anyone else was going to be on set with me, but it made enough sense now that I thought about it. The camera started from the close up of my face before turning to the wall as it slowly headed towards it, soon the camera was turning around to face us as we both sat with watchful expressions. Our eyes only focused on the wall as I had to act like she wasn’t next to me. Filming ended after a few more takes of the last scene as the seemed to be having a tough time turning so abruptly. Thanking the crew and staff, I changed before heading to the van as I got right back on my phone to see that they had sent me a draft of what they had come up with. Okaying it, I was finally content as everything was slowly but surely coming together.

The following week the music video, and album, had both gone out on the same day which I should have been happy about but that day would have been Jackson and I’s one-year anniversary. I didn’t cry or throw a tantrum like how Sub had imagined I would, instead I went to the studio to finish up the work I was doing for another artist. With my back to the door, I solely focused on my work and as the door opened I jumped turning around quickly only to see three people as they stood in front of me with cake and food. We ate and played games to celebrate my comeback which filled my heart with a joy that I knew I was missing; I missed it a lot.

Two days had passed since then and here I am sitting in front of the mirror watching as the makeup Noona finished applying the thin layer of makeup that I was adamant on wearing. At first they wanted me to go heavy but it honestly didn’t fit the mood as I had an interview once I was done with my stage. Hyung was doing the usual as he kept going in and out of the room bringing my hoobaes in and out, and instead of giving them the greeting that I always did I stood wanting to shake their hands. Things shouldn’t always be the same, right? Chatting with them about their music, I told them how good it was and I complemented those who I had heard practicing when I walked past earlier. Everyone seemed surprised with the recent change in my mood, but to be honest, I can’t stay sad forever. I said my goodbyes in my album and now it’s time to focus on me and the new types of music that I wanted to try.

“Eunkwang, Standby.” Nodding, I walked out with the group I was still talking to as Hyung was holding onto their album tightly.

“Good luck on your stage.” They thanked me with deep bows that had me smiling as I waved them off. “They’re cute, aren’t they?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess.” Holding my mic, I gave him a weird look only for him to give me one back. “Are you okay?”

“I’m extravagant, Hyung.” Laughing, I ran onto stage greeting those that came to watch me sing and I couldn’t help but notice that the number seemed to be lower than the last time I stood on stage.

Not taking it to heart, I waited for the music to come in so that I could hurry up and get this over with.

Are you well? Is everything okay?

I long for your nagging that I was so sick of

You used to only know me alone, but are you doing well without me?

I regret thousands of times a day

I live every day as I realize that you’re not here

It’s right for me to leave for you, but I guess I can’t live as I forget you

The person who used to love me is not by my side, but I still can’t forget you

I can’t forget you

If only I could see you at least once more

If only I could see you, if only I could see you again

My grip on the mic was tight as I stared at nothing but the floor hoping to get my emotions together. I let him go, and yes, I made a song regretting my decision but for now it only a song and nothing more. Finishing the song, I bowed thanking those that had come to support me before skipping off stage as I wished luck to the group that was to follow after me. Heading back to my room, I could hear the whispers of those around me as they talked about me and I didn’t mind it as much as I used to because now I was in a better place with myself.

Entering the room, Hyung was on the phone by the window so not to disrupt his conversation, I moved to change as I wasn’t nominated for anything today, which was a relief to me. Putting back on the clothes, I packed up myself waiting on Hyung as he was practically tripping over himself to get to me and the smile was a huge indicator that he was going to hand me the phone. So, taking it, I pressed it to my ear as we walked out and taking a deep breath I waited trying to see who was on the other end of the line.

“Congratulations on your comeback, Eunkwang!” It was Junhyung Hyung, which had my heart beating hard in my chest as that must meant that he was around him.

“Thank you, Hyung.” He laughed telling me that it was now big deal. “Hyung when are you coming back to get this idiot? He’s being all gross and it’s making my stomach hurt.”

“I am not!” Laughing, I pushed open the door to head outside and as if it was déjà vu I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings. “Eunkwang!”

My foot had caught something causing me to go flying backwards as the phone, my bag, and anything else that I didn’t have a tight grip on went flying into the air. Closing my eyes, I expected my head to hit the ground and for the crowd to laugh at my pain but I didn’t feel anything. It took a few seconds for me to get my head on straight as someone was holding me up, so opening my eyes I was blinded by a bright smile that had me squinting. For a second, I could have sworn it was Jackson, but as the person stood me up I realized that he was significantly taller than both Jackson and I. He must be another rookie because I haven’t seen his face before.

“Are you okay, Sunbaenim? It’s a good thing that I caught you, or else you would have been taken to the hospital.” Nervously laughing, I nodded before staring up at him as he was looking down on me as if I was a child.

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you.” Looking around at all my stuff scattered on the ground, I squatted down as I started to pick it up only to realize that he had squatted down as well to help me. “You don’t have to –,”

“But I want to, it was kind of my fault that you almost got injured anyway.” He grabbed the cardboard roll shaking it with a small smile, which had me raising my eyebrow. “It’s a sign. I made it to support my friend who is in a different group.”

“Oh, that’s nice of you.” Putting the phone back up to my ear, I could hear that Hyung was panicking as he kept asking what had happened. “Well, thanks for the help, but I have to go.”

“No problem, I hope to see you around.” Giving him a warm smile, we both stood as I took my bag from him which had Hyung coming out of whatever trance he was in as he finally came over to us.

“Are you okay? Did you injure anything? Should we cancel the interview and go to the hospital?” Shaking my head, I laughed as we made our way around the building and to where he had parked the van.

“I’m fine, here take your phone.” Handing him his phone, I climbed inside ignoring my own phone as I already knew what the headline would soon read, it was just a repeat of what happened with Jackson.

Heading to the interview, I got out heading inside as it was just a normal paper interview which meant that I didn’t need to be all dressed up as it was only one quick photo and that was it. Entering the conference room, I sat down shaking hands with my interviewer as they seemed to be new. The interview had gone well with a few laughs here and there as she was nervous and kept saying weird things that had me doubling over. It was late when we were done and the ride home was quiet as we both listened to the radio without a care in the world.

“You have a fan-signing in three days, so start preparing for that; also, I left you a stack of albums on the coffee table for you to sign for the kids in need. Other than that, you’re free for two days.” Thanking him, I got out heading inside with the bag of comeback albums that just seem to be getting heavier as time goes by.

Riding the elevator, I nodded along to the music in my head as I was enjoying this comeback a little too much. I was supposed to be sad to reflect my lyrics but I was extremely happy and no one could take that away from me. I guess, I spoke to soon. Heading towards my door, I was greeted with the sight of someone I haven’t seen in a while and as he gave me a small wave I could only sigh. Opening the door, I allowed him in as I headed towards the living room to see that stack of work that was waiting on me with small descriptions on each of the kids. Turning on the TV, CEY was the first thing that popped up so lowering it I left it alone before motioning for him to take a seat as well.

“You only show up when something is wrong, so what is it?” Popping the cap off my marker, I glanced at him as he had his knees together tightly as if he has never been in here before.

“Nothing, I just wanted to come check on you.” Scoffing, I couldn’t believe that he was trying to fool me. “Fine. It’s not sad news or anything, but I’m thinking about marrying Jinyoung. I already brought the ring and everything a long time ago, but with the constant ups and downs that we have, I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

“Jaebum, as long as you love one another then I don’t see what the problem is.” Quickly signing my signature after the small letter that I wrote, I set it aside grabbing the next album.

“That’s the problem. We love one another and because of that it seems that our relationship has started to become toxic in a way.” Cracking my neck, I wanted to laugh but I kept it to myself as he would figure it out himself in the long run. “It’s other problems beside the ones last year and earlier this year, but I do truly love him and I don’t like seeing him with other people. It’s just that I don’t know what the next step is.”

“Tell him your feelings and ask him about his thoughts on marriage, then you go from there.” Looking at him, he had his head down as he was really thinking on this too much. “Don’t make it harder than it has to be, dummy. Communicate! It’s that simple, and if he doesn’t want to marry you then you ask yourself if you’re okay with just dating him for the rest of your life. His mind changes a lot, so I wouldn’t take it to heart, Bummie.”

Slapping my mouth, I covered it as I didn’t mean to say that; I meant to call him an idiot again. What is wrong with me? It was silent causing me to continue writing as I was just going to act like that didn’t just happen, but as his laughter came out hard and loud I knew I couldn’t take it back. He placed his hand on my shoulder causing me to look at him as he nodded with a huge grin on his face.

“Thanks. I’m going to go talk to him right now.” Nodding, I pushed his hand away as I wanted to finish this before I lost all the sentiment I was feeling at the moment.

The closed with a loud thud and leaning back into the couch I stared at the TV to see that they were talking about the same stuff over and over again. Picking up my phone, I checked my social media to see that I was being called a and other things that shouldn’t be said out loud. Going away from myself, my fingers shook as I typed in Jackson’s name to see that he himself was going through a hard time. I wanted to send him a text of encouragement but thought against it as they would soon be saying that I was trying to get back with him while also trying to get with the artist whose name was unknown to me. My phone started to shake in my hands as it showed that Sub was calling me, so answering it I put it on speaker as I grabbed the album that I had momentarily abandoned.

“Are you okay?” Chuckling, I thought for a while because I was better than I normally was, but then again, that was still debatable.

“What is with everyone asking me that today? I’m magnificent, Sub. How are you?” I already knew that he had a skeptical look on his face, but he masked it by quickly answering my question.

We talked until I was done with all the albums, so bidding him goodnight, I crawled into bed sticking my head deep into my pillows. It seemed to be the only way for me to find comfort nowadays.

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The Person Who Once Loved Me by Huh Guk (x)