Fall was upon us and instead of being happy the burdens that I had thought I got rid of came crashing back onto me. I was being crushed to death and it wasn’t how I expected it to be at all. Sitting on my bed, I had only the table lamp on as I stared at the article in front of me and as my heart sank for the thousandth time I could only let out a shaky breath before grabbing the cup to drown my sorrows. Closing my eyes, I swallowed hard as the tears began again and I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad; I mean, I put my heart and soul into this relationship after saying that I would never love again and this is the thanks that I get. How could this be the thanks I get?

“Eun?” Wiping my tears, I watched as the door opened revealing Sub as he was holding what looked like chocolate. “Oh, come here.”

As he walked towards me in outstretched hands, I let him hug me even though I wasn’t in the mood to be touched; but as soon as he held me I broke down clinging onto him as if he was going to run away. I wanted to scream and ask him why this was happening to me but I knew he wouldn’t have the answer so I let my cries fill the silence that surrounded us.

“Do you feel better now?” I didn’t know what I should do so I held a tight smile as he pulled away from me allowing him to see the work that I have done on myself. “Actually, don’t answer that because I can tell that the answer is no.”

“W-Why would he do this to me? I gave him everything and have been nothing but loyal and kind. Why does this always happen to me, Sub? Why me?! Why?!” I could feel the snot running down my nose as the spit went flying with it, and I just knew that it was over for me.

“You know I cannot give you the answer to that, but I can tell you that I’m here for you if you need anything, okay?” Nodding, I thanked him over and over again as I laid my head on his chest wishing that this was all just a dream. “How about a bath? You’ve been in here for a few days and I think you need some fresh air and clean clothes, so how about it?”

Nodding, I let him drag me out of bed and away from the one thing that was tearing me apart; and as the light from the rest of the apartment blinded me I couldn’t believe how much this had really gotten to me, but why wouldn’t it? Taking a deep breath, I let him fill the tub as I took a look at myself for the first time in a few days and I couldn’t believe how bad I looked. What I was looking at looked nothing like me, I wasn’t smiling nor was I laughing as everything seemed like the end to me and I was showing it. Turning away from the me that was so pathetic, I began stripping as Sub left saying that he was going to go cook for me and as the door closed I slowly slipped into the warm water letting it take over me.

Time went by slowly as I just sat there but I knew that it was better to sit and wait until I got over it rather than going out and making a fool of myself. I heard yelling from what seemed to be the living room, but it could just be Sub and Sik arguing over groceries or something like that, so ignoring it I finally grabbed the soap running it up and down my arms. Footsteps came running down the hall towards where I was causing me to still as the door flew open as the voices finally entered my space. Looking over Jackson stood in front of me breathing heavily and as Sub was right behind him I gave him a smile letting him know that he could leave, and as the bathroom door closed I dropped the soap bringing my knees to my chest.

“Eun, please hear me out, okay?” Shaking my head, I ran my fingers through my hair because I didn’t want to hear it right now. “It’s not true, okay? Whatever they’re saying isn’t true and you should know that I would never do anything like this to you. I love you.”

“Love? You love me? But, you took that love into a hotel room with some random guy; you took that love into a taxi the next morning with the same guy; you took that love home wearing the same clothes from the day before, and you took that love right to the ing garbage can where I’m guessing it belonged. You don’t love me, Jackson, you never did; you used me just like JB but it only took a shorter amount of time for you to do so.” Wiping my face, I didn’t care about the soap or bubbles that went with it as my tears broke through every last layer.

“I do love you! I love you with everything in me and if you’re going to believe a tabloid over me, the person that was actually there, then I guess you’re not in your right mind. Do you want me to prove to you that nothing happened?!” He stood taking off his shirt and pants throwing them aside as he spun around in front of me but I could only look away because I didn’t need this. “Look! I have no marks or anything on me, I’m clean.”

“Then how did they find out about the stuff that I only told you and my cousin? Huh?! How did they know about what happened at the club during my trainee days?! How do they know about all the times I was taken advantage of?! How do they know that I use to drink until I out when I first started out?!” Standing, I stepped out of the tub pushing him aside as I grabbed the towel wrapping it around my waist.

“I swear; I didn’t say anything.” Scoffing, I looked at myself in the mirror as my tears were still falling.

“So you’re saying that Sub told? He won’t even step near the paparazzi on a good day. It could only be you! Why did you tell?! Why?! After I trusted you with that dark part of my past; why would you tell the world that information?!” Throwing whatever was in front of me at him, he took it like a champ before walking towards me as he tried to hug me. “DON’T…DON’T TOUCH ME! I think you should leave, Jackson.”

“W-Wait. Are you not going to hear me out? I told you that I didn’t do it and you still don’t believe me, what more do you want from me? I gave you everything that I am, and even more, I have nothing left to give besides my honesty and seeing as how you won’t even accept that then I guess there is nothing else for me to do.” Watching as he grabbed his clothes before stomping out of the bathroom, I closed my eyes as my breath was shaky but I knew that this was for the best; it had to be.

My knees felt weak causing me to fall to the ground as I covered my face wishing that the tears would just go away but I knew that they wouldn’t. I loved him…I still love him. Why is my luck with love so bad?

“Come on, let’s go eat.” Pushing his hands away, I didn’t feel like eating anymore, so standing I went into my room closing the door as I just didn’t want to be bothered at the moment.

Changing, I laid down on the rug in front of my bed as I brought down the blanket so that I could cover myself with it and as I now laid on the floor I honestly felt like this is where I belong. I must be nothing more than dirt seeing as how every relationship I ever had never lasted; and I cry every time knowing that everyone has moved on already meaning that I am only hurting myself even more. Closing my eyes, it felt as if I was finally okay but as the tears started again I had to cover my mouth as I couldn’t keep sobbing like this.

~

I don’t know how much time has passed but as I now sit out in the living room on the window sill I was finally somewhat getting over it. Sub and Sik we’re both walking around cleaning up as I haven’t gotten to it in a while and even though I kept telling them to leave, I was glad that they stayed. Leaning against the window, I brought one of my legs up as I held my shin as my mind began to wonder back to what had happened. Trying to push it away, the TV came on causing me to look over as Sik had sat down looking exhausted which made me do a little laugh as this was a first in a long time.

“Welcome to CEY! I’m your host Lee Mina, and today’s stories are going to be filled with tea so sit back grab a cup and get prepared because this is Celebrity Entertainment for You!” Rolling my eyes, I shook my head because this show was a mess but then again, I’m just glad Minhyuk isn’t on tonight. “Today’s top story, ‘Is the Eunson ship sunk or is it parked in the docks?’ Lena?”

“Well our sources tell us the ship is slowly sinking after hitting the iceberg last week when paparazzi spotted King J going into a hotel with a mystery guy only to exit the next morning as they even rode in the same taxi back to the company. Now, for the sources they have said that the mystery guy is a trainee at King J’s company and is planning to debut in a few months, and what’s even juicer is that it has been said that Eunkwang has been helping his group work on their debut album, isn’t that a hole in the bottom of the ship?” As she laughed my stomach churned but I couldn’t stop listening as she was giving me details I didn’t care to read. “It is also being said that Eunkwang is opting to stay at home rather than go out into the spotlight as he hasn’t been seen since the news broke. No one has heard from him besides his producer and longtime friend, Lim Hyunsik, as he has been spotted visiting him with his spouse a few times this week; so I’m guessing he’s fine. We’ll have more details to come tomorrow so stay tune until then, this has been Koo Lena.”

The TV went off as Sub entered the room snatching the remote out of Sik’s hands causing him to glare at his husband but I shrugged it off as I knew I had to hear it sooner or later. Humming to try and get the thought away, only sad songs entered my head and it didn’t take much for the words to start flowing out of my mouth shortly after.

Now when I eat, I can’t swallow with the tears running down

I tell myself I have to keep eating

I can’t hear a song, or the humming of the earth

When I watch a movie, I can’t remember what I saw

I can’t eat well, because I’m thinking of you

I think your thoughts have changed, since you left

I keep on living, eating with the tears running down

My heart that I was finally piecing back together had started to crumble again as this wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. Maybe I should have listened to Jackson, but what does it matter now? He hopped on the first plane back to China cancelling any schedule he had in Korea to promote his music even further. I guess it shows how much he cares, right? I’m not saying that it was his fault I didn’t want to listen, but he is tried a little harder then maybe I would have.

I can’t ride the bus, because I’m afraid someone will laugh at me

I’m afraid I might start crying

I can’t do anything, I can’t live without you

Now when I drink, I can’t get drunk with the tears running down

Even when the bottle is empty, because I’m only thinking about you

What am I living for, if you’re not with me?

I can’t do anything when I’m here alone

I can’t eat well, because I’m thinking of you

Humming the rest of the verse, my voice had begun to crack as I was becoming invested in the lyrics that seemed to fit my scenario perfectly. Placing my face in my knees, I started to scream the lyrics as this seemed to be the only way to get my feelings out; why was music the only way now? Tears fell even fast as the last of the lyrics fell out of my mouth making me take a loud deep breath because I couldn’t breathe for some reason. Why was it becoming so hard to breath?

“Eun, calm down.” in my lips, my hands shook as those words weren’t supposed to be uttered to me in this moment.

“Why do I always have to be the one to calm down?! Huh? Why am I the only one not allowed to cry or scream? WHY?!” Storming away, I slammed my bedroom door close taking a seat in the corner of the room as I grabbed my lyric book.

I wrote down whatever my feelings would allow me to write until I was mentally drained. Leaning back into the wall, I closed my eyes and unlike other days the only thing I could see was his face with that stupid smile on it as he kept calling me ‘Seorella’. I wished he continued to call me that until the end, but sadly he started to call me ‘Eun’ like Sub and Sik, and I had gotten used to it. If I hadn’t have gotten used to it then maybe he would have still been here. Who am I kidding? This was bound to happen from the beginning, right?

“Eun, Doojoon Hyung called. He wanted to know when you would like to start working again?” Sighing, I didn’t dare open my eyes as I wasn’t ready to face the reality of everything once more.

Staying silent, I kept replaying all the good memories that we had and in the end it only made me sadder. Those memories were supposed to continue on and create new ones, but look at where we’re at, in two different countries doing two completely different things. He seemed to be working hard while I was tearing myself up about something that I shouldn’t be, but at the same time it just ended a happy relationship. Forget about the relationship for now, and get your money, Eunkwang. Do everything that you said you would never do and become someone that’ll make him regret what he did, that’s the only way to keep on living.

“Changsub?” The sound of his head hitting the door filled the whole room as his curse soon followed after. “Tell him, I’ll be ready for work in the morning. He can accept every single last offer because I’m going to only focus on work from now on.”

“A-Are you sure? I mean, isn’t it a little early to be going back?” Standing, I opened the door as I was met with the sight of them both as they held concerned looks.

“No, it’s the perfect time to do so.” Walking past them, I went into the kitchen grabbing me a cup of water to calm down my stomach as it was doing backflips.

“What about the press? They’ll be after you as soon as you step out of this complex.” Glancing at Hyunsik, I knew that he had my best interest in mind but I’ll need him to be quite on this one.

“I know, and there is nothing I can do but admit to it. It’s my past and now that it’s out in the open, I have no other choice but to be honest about it.” Grabbing my phone, I called Hyung back telling him what I wanted to do and even though he sounded skeptical as well, he agreed in the end.

I was going to air all my dirty laundry out to the world and I honestly don’t care anymore. I’ll be free from the weight on my shoulder and it’ll allow me to fully devote myself to my music. My music was the only thing that I had left in this world, it was the only thing that was on my side.

When morning came, I got myself prepared for a long day but I walked around my home as if I had never met Jackson. I was back to how I was feeling 2-years ago but for some reason it hurt way worse than it did with JB, maybe it was the fact that we fell in love way faster than I had with JB; so taking this feeling I left my home. I needed a haircut, but that could be saved for later, they were going to get the down in the dumps me that they’ve been waiting to see for the longest. Hyung met me down in the lobby causing me to take a step back as the flashes were blinding.

“We can always cancel.” Shaking my head, I took a deep breath allowing him to lead me out as I pushed past the crowd of reports that didn’t get invited to the press conference; they were the ones that couldn’t be trusted.

Getting into the van, we drove away from the mess allowing me to breathe for what felt like the first time in forever. My eyes were puffy and even with the heavy amount of makeup that I put on, it didn’t cover it at all. The bags were down to my neck and the fact that I haven’t been really eating was showing as well. My clothes had suddenly become a little baggy on me and even though I didn’t care, or should I say tried my hardest not to, I couldn’t help but notice the sad look on Hyung’s face. I didn’t reassure him that I was fine as I usually would, instead I closed my eyes the moment ours met showing him that from now on I was closing myself off from the world that only seems to show me its bad side.

Arriving at the venue, I got out with a seldom smile and making my way inside I took my seat in front of the many flashing lights. The last time I was seated in this same setting was when I was announced to be on tour with my sunbaes. The only difference is that I was alone to face the music that wasn’t beautiful at all.

“We will now start the press conference. Mr. Seo doesn’t have anything really to say, and has stated that any questions that wanted an answer to be asked and he will give you nothing but the truth. You may start your questioning.” Thanking the announcer, I looked at the crowd of greedy faces as they looked as if their jobs were on the line if they didn’t get to me first.

“Is it true?!” That was the first question that I caught as it stood out amongst the rest that seemed to only ask about certain parts.

“Yes, it is; every single last thing that was said is true.” The room fell silent as they looked at me shock which I knew was crazy to them as I’ve never gotten into any trouble since my career had started.

“Why didn’t you speak about this earlier?” Sighing, I dropped my head as I thought about the nicest way possible to say what I wanted without coming off as defensive. “Is the man who did this in jail?”

“I didn’t speak about it because no one asked. To be honest, I felt that it was insignificant to what I had accomplished by that point, and seeing as how I had become extremely busy with work I had forgot about it. I had begun to focus on the good things in my life for once, so I found no reason to think about that part of my life.” Fingers moved fast to get every single last word that I had said which made me wonder if my life was all that interesting. “Oh, I don’t know where that man is or what he is doing, and I really don’t care at all.”

“Is it true that King J released the information?” Shrugging, I had nothing to say on that matter as once I had calmed down, I didn’t care anymore who released it. “How is your relationship with him? Are you guys still together?”

“At the moment, it is uncertain whether our relationship will continue or not, but no matter what I wish him the best. I hope only good things happen to him from now, and I hope his new single does well on the charts. That is all.” Standing, I thanked them for coming before making my way out into the hallway as that feeling of me not being able to breathe had come back.

“Do you want to go back home?” Shaking my head, I knew that winter would soon be upon us as fall was already here which meant that I needed to get back to my work.

“Take me to the company, I need to speak with the CEO about my next moves.” He nodded escorting me back out into the flashing lights and into the van that made its way to where I needed to be.

Love really wasn’t meant for me, was it?