After meeting with the CEO, he was more than happy to give me whatever I wanted but what I truly wanted he would never be able to give me, so I settled for the second thing that I wanted. My own studio. I was tired of using Hyunsik’s and I knew he was tired of me always barging in there asking to use it. The studio that he had given me was extremely spacious, and as Hyung helped me decorate it, it soon became more me. That was all I ever wanted, to have something that belonged to me and only me. Laughing at my own stupid thoughts, I worked on some beats as I had a Collab with another singer for the fall season; it would be the only song that I release before winter.

“Eunkwang?” Lifting my head from the soundboard, I looked at the glass to see Hyung’s reflection in it. “I accepted that offer for that music program, the only thing they really said was that you would be working with another artist as well.”

“That’s fine. Do you know who it is?” His face scrunched up making me turn around so that he could tell me to my face who it is.

“Uh, your brother-in-law.” Blinking, I nodded as there was nothing I could do about it seeing as how that was the pre-planned pairing. “On to better things, N.CA will be here shortly so that you guys can start working together, PD-nim.”

“Thanks, Hyung.” He was trying to cheer me up but I didn’t truly need it. “Oh, I’m going to start working on my album, so if I become unavailable at times I’m sorry for the inconvenience in advance.”

Nodding, he left, and I was now back to my own thoughts as I pulled out my lyric book flipping to a new page. Finding an instrumental that was suited the fall season, I started to come up with ideas and all of them had to do with love or lose of it. I was becoming pathetic at this point. Whatever, I’m going to do what I wanted from now on, whether it’s pathetic or not. I promised myself to live how I wanted from now on.

“Hello?” Flinching, I was met with the smiling face of my song partner as she seemed genuinely happy to see me. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Greeting her back, I agreed as we got right to work not even sparing us any time to talk about irrelevant things like how we usually would. Two weeks seemed to past fast as we were in and out of my studio revising and fixing whatever needed it, and as I sat at the computer I counted down to the release time. We filmed a simple music video that we only had a few seconds in, which was good because that meant that I didn’t have to waste time trying to act. I knew once the video dropped, everyone was going to start speculating but I would leave those questions unanswered until I finished my album; then, they can have all the answers to everything.

“It just dropped and it already has over a hundred views.” Sighing, I slouched into my chair more before reaching over as I clicked play listening to the final product for what felt like the hundredth time.

The song that she’s singing, each line sounds like a monologue

The song that he’s singing, sounds like a story he wants to tell someone

Tears come, old memories come back to life

The stained times endlessly rolling

As much as the regret of losing you, I’m shouting even louder for this song in this small place

Do you know?

I’m calling out to you

“You’ve went up to second place.” Nodding, I turned off the song as it was doing well, so it didn’t really need my views, not like I would cheat up my own music.

“Hyung, how have you been?” Spinning, I faced him as he held this weird look as he was probably wondering what I was getting at, but to be honest I was just curious.

“Good, well besides the fact that I’ve been stuck with you in this dimly lit studio for the last few weeks.” Rolling my eyes, I threw a pencil at him because he was so dramatic but it did make me feel a little better. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat that isn’t cafeteria food.”

Standing, I grabbed my coat leaving the studio that I’ve been in for what felt like forever. I’m starting to become like Sik, ugh. Shaking my head, I stepped outside breathing in the fresh air as it wasn’t all that bad, it was way better than I had expected to be honest. Those that waited outside for the people they thought would marry them, looked at me with strange looks. Some were sympathetic while others were hateful as they matched the comments that I got on social media. They were blaming me for the fact that Jackson wasn’t coming back to Korea, but that had nothing to do with me as he was busy doing whatever it is that he is doing over there.

Heading to a family restaurant, we order more than five servings of meat as Hyung was going on and on about me losing weight. He was one to talk when he’s been playing soccer to cope with the fact that his fiancé was in a different country. We’re both starting to look pathetic.

“Wow.” Looking up from the grill, I started to cut the meat as I waited for Hyung to elaborate on his ‘wow’. “Jackson just dropped his single and it has you both holding 1^st and 2^nd place on most of the charts.”

“He can do whatever he wants, and seeing as how it has nothing to do with me, let’s eat.” Moving some of the meat closer to him, I popped a piece in my mouth chewing as I waited for him to eat as well.

“Well, everyone is trying to say that it’s a response to your song.” Taking a deep breath, I shrugged because I don’t care so why should everyone else? “It would make sense, but that was only if you made the song by yourself and was being very direct. Obviously, it’s just a normal break up song that anyone could have wrote.”

“Hyung are you going to keep rambling or eat?” He finally shut up as he started to eat causing the sound of his smacking to fill in the silence.

Dinner ended in silence as I wasn’t really in the mood to talk anymore seeing as how the restaurant we were at started to play his songs. I think they were trying to get under my skin, but I didn’t give them a reaction or the one they were looking for. Paying for the meal, I met Hyung at the car as he drove me home with the radio off as he knew that they play only the latest hits, and those that were requested. Making it home, I ran inside slamming the door behind me as I threw my jacket on the floor as my emotions were starting to get the best of me. Why is everyone out to get me? What did I do that was so wrong?! I’m always the one getting the worst of it and no one cares!

Knocking over whatever was in front of me, I kicked the wall only to flip my coffee table over causing the glass inside of it to break. Flopping down onto the ground, I covered my face in my hands as I really didn’t want to work anymore. I’m tired of being a celebrity. I never signed up for unwanted hate; I signed up to be able to share my emotions with those that could relate to me. this job and Korea!

Throwing my hands down, I leaned forward forgetting all about the glass that was sprawled all over the floor. The glass imbedded itself into my skin but it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Why didn’t it hurt? Picking up a big shard, I looked at it in my hand as it sat raised on top of the glass that was causing my hands to bleed, well the left hand more than the right as it only had a single piece in it.

“Eunkwang, I forgot to tell you…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” I was being yanked away from the glass as he took the shard throwing it into the table. “Does it hurt? Come on, let’s go to the hospital.”

“No, I’m fine.” My voice was quiet but I knew that he heard me from how close he was to me.

“You’re not fine, let’s go.” He was clenching his teeth as he pulled me to stand with him before grabbing a towel as he covered my hands with them. “I parked in the back, so we only have so much time before they make their way back there.”

I didn’t respond as it didn’t matter at this point anymore. He dragged me to the car and from the car into the hospital as everyone was staring at me. Some were snickering but I really don’t care, they can talk whatever bull that they want to as long as they don’t say it to my face. A nurse grabbed my wrist removing the towel only to gasp as she rushed me onto a bed telling me to lay down. Complying, I laid down only for them to strap my arms down causing me to look around because it wasn’t like I tried to kill myself, it was an unconscious accident.

“We’re strapping you down because it’s going to hurt a lot and we don’t need you thrashing around in pain, okay?” Nodding, she called another nurse over telling her to bring some stuff that I couldn’t hear. “It’ll take a minute to gather everything but we’ll be back quick.”

“Thank you.” Glancing at Hyung, he sat down pulling the chair close to my head as he stared at me with so much worry that I knew he was going to say something. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. I just lost it for a minute and when I had got myself together the table was broken and I had glass in my hands.” He sighed putting his head into his hands making me wonder if he was going to cry or something.

“I’m worried about you, and I really don’t want it to get worse than this, so I’m cancelling your schedule until I feel that you’re better.” Shaking my head, I looked at him with pleading eyes as I didn’t want to be lost in my own thoughts; that’s why I ended up like this in the first place. “Why can’t you just listen to me and do what I ask of you?! Just this once, please!”

“Hyung, if I give up now then what is going to be waiting on me in the future? I need to release this album; I need to be on these shows; I need to prove everyone wrong. So, can you please not tell anyone about this? Especially Junhyung Hyung.” The nurse came back in not giving him any time to answer as she began to set up.

“Fine, but you better have a good excuse for the show you’re going on tomorrow.” His words were whispered as we were both staring at the nurses as the other one has come back with a small tray.

“Thanks, Hyung; and I really mean it.” The moment I expressed my thanks, they began to pour the alcohol making me scream in pain as this hurt worse than the glass going in.

After the alcohol, they began to pick the glass out with tweezers and as they pulled them out the alcohol that rested around the wounds ran into the cuts. I wanted to ask them to stop but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to work with my hands messed up. Once she was done with the left hand, she worked on the right which took little to no time to do, leaving the other nurse to clean my hands with soapy water as she applied ointment after. Putting a few gauzes over my palm, she began to wrap it causing me to take a deep breath as I knew that everyone thought I was being murdered from my screams. They were finally done causing them to leave as they told me that a doctor was going to come over and talk to me about my cuts. I told them that it was an accident, why can’t they just listen? The doctor came over a few minutes later as began to tell me stuff I didn’t care to hear, and once his speech was over he said to come back in a week so that he could re-wrap and check out my cuts. Thanking him, I stood rushing out of the ER and right back into the van as I leaned my head against the passenger seat.

“Do you want to listen to some music?” Nodding, I didn’t lift my head as I didn’t have it in me to do so.

“Ah, welcome back to The Evening Mix with your host and DJ Jinyoung. Tonight we have a new entry with global impact, and instead of dragging it on let’s get into the music.” The beat came in causing me to sigh as it was indeed a new entry as I could already tell who it belonged to.

I’m blazing up all night woah

No matter how helpless, keep on waiting, it doesn’t matter

I’ll be okay

I know you only care about hypocritical appearance

I should let it go down but I keep missing

You don’t have to go far away, cannot see again

I told myself that I’ll be okay, it doesn’t matter, wiping my dry tears everyday

All night to sunshine; facing it on my own

I’m all on my own

The radio quickly went off causing me to sigh as I didn’t really have anything to say; I mean, what should I say. He telling me that he’ll be okay on his own, and if that is how he feels then that is just how it is. Asking Hyung to take me to Sub and Sik’s, he gave me this weird look before agreeing as it was closer to the broadcasting station so he had no reason to disagree. Dropping me off, he told me to be up early and with that I watched as he drove away. Opening the gate, I closed it softly behind me making my way towards the front door as I threw it open not caring about their peace and quiet anymore. I was met with a disgusting sight but I ignored it opting to flop down onto the couch as they were trying to get themselves and the kitchen together.

“I swear nobody knows how to knock anymore.” Rolling my eyes, I gave him my back as I stuffed my face into the cushions trying to hid my hands and my wet eyes. “Put on some pants, Sik!”

“I was going too, can I put on my underwear first?” They began to argue about stupid stuff as if I wasn’t even here which made me sigh as they must be very happy.

“Do you need something, Eun?” Shaking my head, I pushed it deeper into the cushion wishing to suffocate myself. “Huh? What’s wrong then?”

“He must be upset about Jackson’s single; it was good but I could do better.” He scoffed as he flopped next to my feet causing me to kick him because he was stupid. “What? I’m just being truthful, but I’ll still pound his face in no matter how good the music is.”

“Do you ever stop talking sometimes? Can’t you see that my cousin is upset?!” The roll fell silent and using this moment I turned around facing the TV. “What the hell happened to your hands? Who did it? A fan or a colleague?” Rolling my eyes, I started to regret coming over here as they were both way too loud, it was starting to hurt my ears.

“I did it to myself, now can we just be quiet. I have a schedule in the morning and I really do not want to be tired for it.” Closing my eyes, I ignored anything else they had to say which wasn’t much as I was soon left on the couch by myself.

A blanket was draped over me and it made me wonder how pitiful I looked. Why was being a celebrity so hard?

~~~~

Okay by Jackson Wang (x)

So Do You… by Eunkwang x N.CA (x)