Waking up, I was drenched in darkness causing me to almost forget that I wasn’t at home. Checking my phone, it was only 3 in the morning and seeing as how I wasn’t tired anymore, I might as well start getting ready. Sitting up, I stretched before using my right hand to scratch wherever itched and once I was I was able to release a small sigh of content I stood heading towards the bathroom. Getting myself together, I grabbed plastic bags placing them over my hands in order to protect them from the water as I showered. It was one of the most awkward showers I’ve ever had. Once clean, I got out taking the bags off as I dried myself off before heading towards one of their guest rooms as I was glad that I had left some clothes when I had come over the last time. Quickly changing, I went back to the living room as I flopped down on the couch turning on the TV as I still had an hour until Hyung would come to pick me up.

“Do you want to eat something before you leave?” Glancing over, I was surprised to see that Sub had woken up so earlier.

“Nah, I’m good. It’s only an hour program, so I won’t be there long; well that is if everyone does their jobs correctly.” We both laughed before he had shuffled his way over to the couch sitting next to me. “How’s the shop?”

“Good, we just got these new imported beans and it seems to be a hit with the customers.” Lightly patting his head, I was proud of him even though I never said it, but he knew and that was all that mattered. “Also, stop harming yourself. What am I going to do if they have to cut your hands off? I’m definitely not taking care of you.”

“Wow, some best friend you are.” Scoffing, I elbowed him and as he lifted up as if he was going to fall the smile that was on my face had briefly reached my eyes.

The honk of a car horn had me standing as I left telling him not to work Sik too hard as I would be needing him once his little vacation was over. I was thrown out as he told me to hurry before I was late. Rolling my eyes, I got in only to have Hyung hand me a plastic bag and opening it up I saw some new bandages. So getting to work, I unraveled my old ones before cleaning off my hands as I reapplied the ointment and the gazes before re-wrapping my left hand first. Stopping at a light, Hyung quickly wrapped my right one before pulling off as the light had changed as soon as he was done.

It didn’t take long before we arrived and placing a hat on my wet messy hair, I made my way into the building greeting those that greeted me. Not many seemed all too concerned with my hands which left me a little loss as I had no idea what I was going to say; they were surely going to ask on the show. I can just go with the whole fashion statement thing, or I could just alter the truth a little; maybe I’ll use a little of both. Entering my dressing room, I saw a familiar name on the door but I shrugged it off already knowing who it could possibly be. Sitting my stuff down, I pushed into a chair as hair and makeup where all over me.

“Eunkwang…” Glancing up into the mirror, I saw Leo as he had entered sitting down on the couch next to Hyung.

“Leo…” And as always that was the end of our conversation; I don’t know why but it just seems better this way.

Once I was done, I went behind the curtain getting changed into the new outfit that they had to prepare for me as they tried to cover up my hands as much as they possibly could. They didn’t ask any questions but by the looks on their face it was clear that they were curious.

“What happened to your hands?” I was started by his voice as it has been years since he had said anything more than my name.

“I was on my way home and someone had dropped a vase in the hallway, so I tried to walk over it but I slipped and cut my hand on the glass. The other hand is for fashion.” Fixing this over-sized jacket that they had given me, I checked the time as we would be called soon.

“Mhm, okay.” He didn’t seem to believe me, but I didn’t care as he had no say in what I do with my life. “Did you practice?”

“Of course, I’m a professional.” As soon as the words passed my lips, we were being called so walking out ahead of him I held my head higher than I ever had before.

Entering the studio, we were shown to our places and as we had to sit next to one another the tension was high. It was awkward for us to even be in the same room together, and now we had to sit next to one another on TV. Sighing, I rubbed my lips together before popping them which gathered a few people’s attention causing me to do it again as it calmed me down a little. Getting the countdown, we were suddenly on and as we both smiled the hosts greeted us with warm welcomes.

“Would you two care to introduce yourselves?” Nodding, I allowed Leo to go first seeing as how he had a year on me in terms of his debut.

“Hello, I’m Instrumentalist and Singer Leo; it’s a pleasure to be here.” He always had this laidback aura around him that made people swoon for some reason I couldn’t understand.

“Hello, I’m Singer, Eunkwang. Nice to meet you.” I dropped the ballad part as it was starting to get old; why did I had to be labeled for only one genre.

“It says here that you two are family? How did this come to be?” Everyone was acting all surprised as if they didn’t already know this ancient fact; this is why I hate shows like this.

“He’s married to my younger brother.” Keeping it short, I put a somewhat tight smile onto my face as I knew that the brother questions were coming.

They came but I was saved from answering as Leo had took over seeing as how that was his spouse. Once the family portion was over they moved onto the two other groups that were also on the show; one was an idol group and the other was an older rock group. As they joked and laughed around, I responded back from time to time and as it was finally time for us to perform we both stood heading over to the stage as we needed to set up. They already had the song picked out for us, which meant that all we had to do was practice and perform; it was easier this way but it took some of the fun out of it. The camera was still paned over to the hosts and other groups as they talked and laughed while we sat in front of the divided audience in silence. They still got their laughs in but we were very seldom as we waited on the stage.

“Okay, we’ve talked enough. Now for our first song of the evening with Leo on the guitar and Eunkwang on vocals.” They clapped and cheered for us as the cameras had finally made their way over to us.

We looked at one another before it was broken as he began strumming the guitar as he played the cords.

I hated you. I blamed you.

“Why can’t you just take me the way I am?”

“Why can’t you just understand who I am?”

People say you loved me but I can hardly believe that.

I drink a cup of bitter soju; I pour the next cup for you.

I ask, “What made you so hurry? Did you really have to go like that? Did you hate me that much?”

I say, “There’s things to tell you. There’s things to hear from you.”

My voice started to crack as my eyes watered causing me to try and hid it beneath the shadow that was casted over my face from the lights.

“I want to know what I meant to you.”

(I remember) the song you sang for me and your condemnation that made me bleed.

I want to be held against your wide chest again.

Thought I’m your damn (pathetic), hopeless son, please tell me you love me.

I can’t hear your voice.

Tell me already that you love me. I can’t hear your voice.

Glancing at Leo, his eyes seemed to be focused on the ground but I knew that he was looking at me. He disguised it as him moving his head to the rhythm and it reminded me of the past that I wanted to forget with him. The tears in my eyes burned as I waited for him to finish playing his solo. Doing a few riffs toward the end, I repeated the last verse over and it sounded totally different from my rehearsal. The words left my mouth raspier than they should have as on the inside I was screaming but I held myself back. My feelings didn’t matter at the moment which means that I should deliver the song as best as I could, sadly my feelings kept getting in the way.

I hated you. I blamed you.

“Why can’t you just take me the way I am?”

“Why can’t you just understand who I am?”

He played the last few cords ending the song which had me pulling the mic away from my lips as I didn’t want them to hear the small noises I was making. It was silent once the song was over but what shocked me more was the uproar of applause after which had us both bowing in thanks before the camera panned back over to the hosts. Taking a deep breath, I didn’t stay to listen to them talk as I excused myself with the excuse that I was going to use the bathroom. Once I entered, I went into a stall sitting on the toilet as I wiped my face which likely streaked my makeup. I just don’t care anymore if I’m being honest.

I missed my Appa; I missed when my life wasn’t so up and down; I missed when I could smile without forcing it; I missed Jackson. Biting my hand, I didn’t know how I could keep acting fine when nothing was. The bandage tasted weird so I pulled my mouth away quickly instead taking a few deep breaths. Three light knocks brought me out of whatever I was in and looking down at the floor I saw Leo’s shoes.

“Are you okay?” Breathing in through my nose, I released it through my mouth before standing as I unlocked the door. “Your makeup is a mess.”

“I know, thanks.” Pushing past him, I went to the mirror trying to dab the makeup from other parts of my face to cover up the streaks.

“After the shoot, let’s go home.” My head snapped up as I looked to see that he wasn’t joking. “Make up with your Umma and Ilhoon. Say your greetings to your Appa and then you can go home, okay?”

“I’ll worry about myself, thank you very much.” Leaving, I went back onto the set to see that the idol group was in the middle of their performance.

Sitting down, one of the host said that we had done a good job causing me to thank him for his kind words. Leo took his seat soon after but he was a little too close to me as he was using his foot to hit mine. We finished the shoot without any major problems and as Hyung and I were on our way out my arm was grabbed as I was pulled to the side only to be meet with Leo’s eyes once more. Yanking my arm away, I crossed them over my chest trying to figure out how to get him to leave me alone.

“I’ll take you, if you want. You don’t have a schedule tomorrow, right?” Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath once more as he wasn’t going to give up.

“Fine, I’ll go but on my own, so just leave me alone, okay?” He smiled for the first time in years, he showed me a smile that was so genuine that it made my heart flutter a little.

Turning around, I ran from him as I didn’t want him to see that he actually still had an effect on me. But to be honest, it probably didn’t mean much. Getting in the van, I told Hyung to take me to the countryside and after explaining everything to him, he gave him saying that he would get me tomorrow afternoon. Thanking him as he didn’t ask many questions, I leaned back in my seat already knowing that this was going to one of many headaches.

Once we were close, I told him to pull over as I got out running into a convenience store and grabbing a bottle of Soju, I paid for it before returning to the car. It’s only right for me to greet him with his favorite drink. Dropping me off in front of the house, I got out bidding him a safe drive back and taking a small step forward I wanted to turn around and stop Hyung from leaving. In the end, I kept walking until I was right in front of the gate and pressing the buzzer I stuck my hands into the hoodie that I had put on before getting out of the car. I held onto the bottle tightly as it was hiding in my sleeve as I didn’t want the bottle to break from the cold that was settling into the air.

“I got it, Umma.” Ilhoon’s voice seemed to fill the whole yard as I listened to his footsteps that made their way towards me. “Eunkwang? I mean, Hyung?”

“If you call me without respect behind my back then don’t change it.” Lifting up my head, he was in pajamas causing me to wonder if he ever went to his actual home. “Leo should be on his way, so yeah.”

Stepping past him, I looked around as everything was the same which meant that the people were the same.

“Wait! Why are you here?” Shrugging, I didn’t know the answer to that either but I can say that I was pressured into it a little bit. “Well, it’s only Umma, Appa, and Halmoni, so you don’t have to be worried too much.”

“Where are your kids?” I was going to correct him but I left it alone as I guess I was here to make some sort of peace with them.

“They’re with Leo’s parents.” Nodding, we seemed to be walking for a long time which made me wonder if I ever actually went through the front door, the actual front door. “You know; this is the first time we’ve had a conversation like this in over a decade.”

“Mhm, well get used to it because I plan on speaking to you more.” We finally made it to the front door and walking up the steps I was about to open the door when I realized that he wasn’t next to me anymore. “What are you doing?”

“D-D-Did you just say that YOU want to TALK to ME more often?” I couldn’t understand why he was making such a big deal out of it seeing as how he was the one who usually blew up my phone with stupid questions. “Hell must be frozen and the Heavens must have fallen because this makes no sense.”

“If you don’t want me to then I won’t, then that means I can keep my cellphone bill low.” His hands shook fast in disapproval causing me to laugh. “Let’s go, it’s starting to get cold.”

He ran up the stairs so that we could enter the house together. Taking off my shoes, I stepped over the threshold only to come face-to-face with Mr. Jung as he was giving me this disgusting look. Greeting him, I walked around looking for Umma and after searching for a while I found her in my old room. She was sitting on my bed mumbling to herself, so lifting my hand I gently knocked on the wall startling her.

“Eunkwang? What are you doing here?” I wanted to give her a smile but it’s harder than it looks as my heart still hurts.

“I hate you, but deep down I still hold you close to my heart, so I wanted to put us on an even playing field before you fall over and kick the bucket. You’re old enough –,” My words were cut off by Ilhoon elbowing me which had me wondering when he had showed up. “What I meant to say is that I accept your apology. I’m getting older now and I know it isn’t good to hold a grudge like this, but it’ll take a really long time before I fully accept you back into my heart as my parent. Can you handle that?”

She stood and judging by the way how her body tensed up I knew she was going in for a hug. It was going to be awkward so I stuck out my hand instead which she took with a sigh of relief. A smile covered her face and giving her a small one back, I headed deeper into the room looking for a sturdier jacket. Opening the closet, I was suddenly ambushed by a cascade of gift bags as they fell all around my feet.

“Those are birthday and Christmas presents. Umma brought them but was too shy to give them to you, so she stuffed them in the closet.” Nodding, I looked through them finding a big padded jacket and putting it on I sighed in the warmth it provided. “Where are you going?”

“To greet my Appa.” Running past them, I zipped up the jacket before stepping out the front door as I knew it would take a while to where I needed to be.

My steps were slow as I looked up at the sky noticing the stars that danced across it, and the moon that shined down on the grass making the cold air look like snow. my lips, I stuck my hands deeper into my pockets keeping my head tilted back as I continued to watch the sky have fun. My stomach growled a little causing me to wonder how an hour program ended up last five hours when there wasn’t much to talk about in the first place. Not to mention how we took breaks so that they could change the set for the next program that was to be filmed in the same studio. Doing a little twirl, I laughed at myself as I couldn’t help but remember the last time I was here. The harsh words, kind smiles, and the excitement that was caused by someone being able to speak more than one language. It made my heart stop for a second as I thought about how I had introduced the two of them and the kind but funny words that Jackson spoke as he promised to take care of me.

Why wasn’t he taking care of me? Oh, I know why, because I pushed him away not caring to hear what he had to say. I even came out in front of the whole world admitting that it true when in fact I would have rather continued to lie or keep it to myself. I didn’t need to answer them, but I did; I didn’t need to push him away, but I did. Sighing, I came upon the tree that had lost most of its leaves causing it bare its dry skin for all to see. Winter was going to be a harsh one seeing as how it is already getting cold. Walking up to the tombstone, I cleared the leaves that had covered it before sitting down as I pictured my Appa sitting right in front of me. He was shaking his head as his lips were casted downward in a frown as I knew he was disappointed in me.

“I hope I’m not too late. I’ve been so busy that I forgot about your anniversary, did you enjoy it?” The smile on my face was tight as I tried to keep in the tears that had threatened to streak the rest of my makeup. “I brought you your favorite Soju, would you like some?”

Taking the bottle from my inner hoodie, I sat it down but he didn’t touch it instead it fell towards me as if saying that I needed it more than he did. Opening the cap, I put the bottle to my lips taking a big gulp causing it to burn my throat on the way down but it tasted good none the less.

“I already know what you’re going to say and I admit that I am an idiot. You know; the first time he had actually taken care of me was when I was drunk in a bar cart. That was also the first time I’ve ever had a sleep over.” Taking another gulp, I couldn’t believe that everything I did or said would lead right back to him and these stupid memories. “No, um, Minhyuk said that he was sorry he hasn’t visited or shown his respects in such a long time. He’s busy way busier than I have been, but recently he wants to get back into music so I’m helping him with his single. He always said that he wanted to sing but after not doing so for so long his voice was extremely rusty. Don’t worry, we’re getting back on good terms as well. We’ll never be as close as we once were but this is a start isn’t it?”

The wind picked up a little causing a few leaves to land in my lap. Gently brushing them away, I laughed as he seemed to be trying to cheer me up. I was thankful as I’ve been needing it, these last few months have been hard on me.

“My hands? Oh, don’t worry, it was an accident.” Putting my heavily wrapped hand back in my pocket, I kept my right hand on the bottle slowly bringing it up to my lips. “I’m telling the truth; it was a mindless accident. I wouldn’t hurt myself on purpose, you know I don’t like pain, Appa. I-I don’t like pain, but I continuously get my h-heart broke over and over again. Isn’t that funny?”

His head was shaking again, which had me shaking my own because it wasn’t funny. None of this way funny but I could only take it that way as I would always be the bitter one in the end. Why am I the bitter one?

“Do you want me to sing a song for you? How about your favorite song?” Nodding as if he agreed, I cleared my throat bringing the bottle back up using it for a microphone.

My tears started flowing and made me realize that was our farewell, as I watched the sight of your back that was helplessly turning away.

Though I know you’re as sad as I am, but we got to endure it too make our memories as beautiful as we can.

Our time together that was so short and our sad love – now all these became nothing but a scar that’s gotta be erased through my tears.

I’ll always keep you deep in my heart for I’ve had enough of sad love by just loving you.

Even though time tells me to purge you from my memories and keep erasing all, I’m afraid I’ll cry once in a while for a long time.

Finishing the first verse, I took a long burning gulp from the bottle as Appa and I seemed to only be able to love sad songs. I didn’t have it in me to finish the whole song so instead I hummed it allowing my tears to fall as the memories of my past loves seemed to wrap around my brain. The alcohol was starting to take over me as I haven’t gone out for drinks or anything opting to keep myself locked in the house unless I had a schedule. Leaning back, I laid down on the grass as it was cold and closing my eyes I thought of nothing and everything.

“Eunkwang, you can’t sleep out here, get up.” The feeling of a hard shoe kicking me had me turning away from it only for it to follow me. “You’ll catch a cold, get up.”

“Leave me alone, idiot.” The kicking stopped only to be replaced with arms as they scooped me up which had my eyes opening fast but they wouldn’t focus. “Put me down.”

“No, you’re drunk and I don’t need Ilhoon getting on my about leaving you out here.” Pouting, I missed the softness of the grass, but I knew I couldn’t sleep outside.”

“Don’t talk about my brother like that, idiot; I’ll beat you up.” Limply raising my fist, I swung but came in contact with nothing which made me giggle a little. “Jackson, stop dodging my punches. I thought you liked it when I would hit you when I was embarrassed, but I guess you have someone else hitting you now. What’s their name? They probably dance, right? Ha, why wouldn’t they? I’m as dancing so you go and get with a dancer! I’m telling Appa on you, idiot!”

“Is he okay?” The voice was Ilhoon’ s so reaching out I tried to touch him only to be meet with a wall; am I already in the house? “Take him to his room, I’ll call Doojoon.”

“NO, don’t call him. He’s probably talking with the love of his life.” Waving my hand around, I heard a door open causing me to drop it. “He’s probably tired of tiptoeing around me because of the breakup, even though I keep telling him that I’m fine, he just doesn’t want to listen. Call your lover who is managing my ex, why should I care? I’m going to date someone ten times hotter and nicer, and he’ll never have to tiptoe again. He probably tiptoes like a little mouse, tip, tip, toe.”

“Is he going to keep rambling the whole night?” The feeling of a bed under me had me turning my back to the voice as they seemed louder than before.

“I don’t know; this is the first time I’ve been around him when he was drunk.” That was the last thing I heard before I was out already knowing that when morning comes I won’t remember anything I said.

~~~~~~~~~~~

T the Grass of Father’s Tomb by Sam Kim & YB (x)

Beautiful Farewell by Kim Gunmo (x)