“Why am I so nervous?” Vernon said, shuffling back and forth. 

“I don’t know, why are you so nervous?” I fluffed his fringe and swept it to the side.

Screams from outside as the announcer introduced Twice to the stage.

We were squeezed into one corner backstage. All of us.

Dressed in coordinating blue velvet jackets, their usual positive and happy attitude seemed to have all transferred to one person—Emmaline.

“Chan oppa!” she dragged on his arm, “who do you think will win?” 

“I…don’t know,” he stuttered staring at his hands.

“We will perform before the winner is said,” Seokmin said in English, fluffing her golden 3 inch long hair.

Someone grabbed my shoulder.

“Ellie, hold me,” Hoshi whispered

I followed his gaze. 

There was Onew, in a sweater and baseball cap, adjusting his microphone. Jonghyun stood next to him laughing at something with Key, who was dressed in a sports tank top. He pointed something out to Taemin, who was lost in his own world and completely ignored him. Key rolled his eyes.

Oh my god.

Minho, in a white American style tank top and tight jeans, leaning against the wall, waving to everyone who passed him, casually destroying my expectations for men.

“No Hoshi, hold me,” I grabbed him back.

“What the—“ Vernon appeared next to us and put his arm around my waist rolling his eyes. “Seriously Ellie?”

“What, you’ve never had a celebrity crush before?” I asked. 

“Ok. Then what am I?” he asked, coming closer.

“You’re just a celebrity,” I bit my lip, keeping the laughter in.

“Ok fine. Then you’re just a crush,” he smirked.

I slapped his chest.

“Ow what the hell why do you always hit me?” 

“You know you deserve it.”

He pouted.

“Vernon stop flirting and get to makeup! They’re looking for you!” Seungcheol yelled from behind us.

In less than a second he turned off his cute and his y, staring deep into my eyes. My stomach flipped over. 

Why does it do that even after all these months.

Why does he do this to me.

I hate him.

“See you later Converse,” and he ran away laughing leaving me hanging there, dangling like a broken marionette.

“And the winner of solo artist of the year goes to…Taemin!” 

Cheers from the audience.

Jonghyun flipped his sh*t jumping around screaming like Emmaline on caffeine as Taemin blushed and headed on stage.

All the members clapped him on the back and Hoshi rushed after him, stopping at the bottom of the stairs, hand over his mouth.

“He’s cute isn’t he,” a voice said over my head.

“Hoshi?” I turned towards the voice.

Jeonghan laughed, “no, not Hoshi,” he pointed to Joshua, adjusting his hair in the back of his phone. 

He looked adorable.

“Yeah I guess,” I shrugged my shoulders. But I couldn’t help but smile.

“I know this is kind of a weird time,” he took out his own phone and did the same thing, tucking his hair behind his ear, “but I’m in a good mood right now. And I just wanted to thank you.”

“Thank me for what?”

Taemin began his acceptance speech.

Fairly certain Hoshi was crying.

“For a lot of things,” he put his phone down. “If it weren’t for you, Joshua probably wouldn’t have realized his feelings for me. At least for a long time,” he smirked. 

“Wow. You’re welcome,” I rolled my eyes. “My pain is your gain. I’m here for you.”

He smiled and went to turn, only to come back and awkwardly put a hand on my shoulder. “And thank you for…not saying anything.”

He doesn’t have to say what I’m not saying anything about.

“I’m still figuring it out,” he looked at the ground.

“I get it,” I said taking his hand off my shoulders and holding it, “you can tell me first, when you’re ready, and then, if you want, we can work on it together.”

He nodded his head.

“I see why Joshua tried to like you,” he began.

Wow.
“…thank you…?”

“What are you guys talking about?” Joshua came over.

“You,” Jeonghan smirked.

Joshua blushed and gave him the smile that used to make me weak. Those doe eyes that sparkled in the stage lights. 

Jeonghan is a lucky guy.

Taemin walked off the stage, s giving him a big group hug and jumping around.

Oh my god.

Hoshi was standing outside their little circle.

“Taemin sunbaemin,” he tapped Taemin on the shoulder.

Taemin turned around. 

Oh my god.

“Congratulations on your award,” he squeaked out.

“Oh, thank you,” Taemin bowed.

“Seventeen over here!” Seungcheol yelled.

Jeonghan immediately turned to Seungcheol and headed over, like an obedient puppy.

Joshua gave me a slight nod and followed him.

Hoshi returned a deep bow to Taemin and went to leave, but then was pulled back.

“Wait,” Taemin said. “You’re the choreographer right? Hoshi?”

Hoshi stood there, mouth open, and nodded dumbly.
“The one who made this?” Taemin held the trophy in one arm and with his other, pointed his finger in a circle. 아! 낀! 다! 

Yep tears were falling down Hoshi’s face.

He nodded, unable to speak. 

“It’s really cool,” Taemin said.

Hoshi stood there, frozen.

Key grabbed Taemin’s arm and started dragging him away. 

“Let’s talk again sometime!” he said.

“Hoshi! We’re waiting for you!” Seungcheol yelled.

He had no idea what just happened.

Hoshi may not be able to perform in his state.

He turned and stumbled over to the circle.

“Next up we’ll hear from Seventeen!” 

Massive cheers from outside.

“Say the name! Seventeen!” They rushed by one by one in the darkness of the stage.

“Emmaline! Hi-five!” Seokmin yelled running by. She jumped up and slapped his hand.
Seokmin pretended that the hi-five hurt and Chan pushed him on from behind laughing. “See she likes me better,” he stuck out his tongue.

My hair fluffed and Vernon turned and winked before running on stage.

I hate him.

Sav and Hampton stood on either side of me.

Wonwoo looked back one last time and gave a nervous smile.

She sent him a thumbs up.

He sent her back a finger heart.

“You guys are disgusting you know,” I said hitting her arm

“I know,” she blushed.

They got in their positions, little velvet jackets on their arms, just as the music started.

A perfect performance.

Jumping and twisting, as if they were one person. 

How can they be such different personalities, yet one complete unit.

That is their magic. Their appeal. How each individual can give up their ego to become one when they’re on stage.

That’s something Sam would do.

Sam.

Wish he could be here.

Actually, he probably is. With a better view than any of us.

At least I believe so.

The crowd cheered again as they ran off stage.

I don’t know what Vernon was worried about.

As soon as Hoshi reached the stairs his professional face turned off and he melted back into fanboy mode.

“ELLIE DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED! SHINEE TAEMIN—” he flapped around. Minghao pushed him out of the way laughing.

Wonwoo tip toed down the stairs, grabbed Sav and hugged her so tight they fell over.

Disgusting.

“Next up is… EXO!”

9 boys appeared from another part of backstage and ran right in front her.

“Sav!” I frantically tapped her shoulder, “it’s Kai!” 

He looked like a demigod in a loose white shirt and tight black pants.

“Hm?” she ripped her eyes from Wonwoo. 

“Who?” she winked.

Disgusting.

“Seventeen make up room three!” a woman dressed in black yelled. “We need to change costumes to receive your award!” 

Wait.

Award?

They weren’t just here to perform. 

Oh my god.

Sobs from behind.

Hampton was Seungkwan’s head. 

“You haven’t even won it yet,” he whispered laughing.

EXO’s song started.

“How were we Emmaline?”

Vernon came from behind me.

“Amazing!” she giggled.

He patted her head. 

“I’m so glad you could come see us,” he smiled. 

“Me too,” she hugged his waist.

“Now tell your sister how lucky she is to have me as a boyfriend.”

“Wait,” Jun walked by, “you guys are dating?”

Hampton slapped his forehead.

“Well…” Jun clapped Vernon’s shoulder, “glad everything turned out ok.” Memories of Sav dragging Jun to the closet and--

No.

Don’t go there.

For a second, Vernon looked guilty. Both remembering that night.

Jun clicked his tongue awkwardly. 

“Ok then…” he turned his head down and ran away.

“Vernon stop flirting and get to makeup!” Seungcheol yelled again.

Vernon smiled sadly and went down the hallway.

We are long past that night.

So much has happened, of much more emotional importance, than that silly night that we all regret. Except for maybe Jun.

“You’re going to win global artist! I know it!” Emmaline jumped up and down, tugging on Joshua’s dapper red and black suit.

He changed fast.

“I don’t think so,” Joshua blushed. “I’m sure it’s just a congratulations for a good year prize.” He slicked Emmaline’s hair back. Behind the curtains it’s a dark blond, but the sliver of light showing from the stage brightens her. Golden hair and skin sparkling—like an angel. Full of energy and life.

Chan walked by and she raced after him.

Joshua looked up. That makeup perfectly accentuating his almond shape. He smiled big and gummy.

I never thanked him properly.

“Hey,” I said going over. “I know this is a weird time…”

I sound like Jeonghan.

“but I keep forgetting so let me just say it now before I forget it again.”

His eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“Just…thank you. Thank you for bringing Emmaline here.”

“Emmaline?” he pointed behind his shoulder to where she was chatting up Seokmin.

“I didn’t bring her anywhere…”

Why was he being so modest. 

EXO’s song ended and they filed off the stage.

“Come on, you can admit it,” I lightly punched his shoulder. I would hit him, but I’m afraid of hurting him. He’s so soft and pure.

“You ran off with a goodbye text, next thing we know a few days later Vernon shows up and says that Elena has returned to Korea with her family.”

“Vernon?”

The pieces of the puzzle swirled into in the air, clinked into place, and settled

Vernon did know about Emmaline. I told him. That night in the closet.

What he said in the airport. About finding a way to have everything.

“Everyone on stage for the awards please!” a stagehand yelled.

My heart is swelling.

It’s going to burst out of my ribcage.

Tears are welling up.

Here they come.

Why didn’t he tell me.

“Seventeen please line up at stage right. Entrance in 60 seconds!”

The announcer introduced the next awards and called up the nominations.

The other groups filed on. 

Suddenly everyone was there. “Listen guys, no matter what, show your biggest smiles and clap for the winners,” Seungcheol said.

“But that lady said we won an award!” Seungkwan said, still crying.

“We might have, or we may have just been nominated for an award,” he explained. “It doesn’t matter, we performed our hardest. Say the name!”

Sav, Hampton, Emmaline, and I joined the 13 hands. 

“Seventeen!”

They rushed on stage.

A fluffy fringe ran by.

“Hey,” I grabbed his arm. Red is a great color on him. 

He still looked a little guilty. What Jun said earlier must have troubled him.

What could I possibly say that would express my gratitude.

The treatment was going so well—better than anything back home. The results were plain to see. And it’s all because he made a few calls. 

Back when I was infatuated with Joshua. When I was trying to ignore him. And he just watched me, worrying about my crush not being reciprocated, while at the same time hoping that it wasn’t.

All of these emotions reflected in his eyes as the chaos ran around us.

I don’t hate him.

I was bumped to the side by someone rushing past. 

Vernon caught me before I took two steps.

“Sorry Ellie!” Mingyu dashed up the stairs.

“Vernon come on!”

I stood on my tip toes and kissed his cheek. The freshly powdered makeup still wasn’t enough to hide his blush.

Maybe the power isn’t one way after all.

Maybe I do have some sway over him too.

He smiled at the ground and ran up the stairs, looking over his shoulder one more time before Seungcheol forced him on to the stage.

A light from below.

Someone had dropped their phone.

 

Ellie’s Cute Sister: I am watching the show! Good luck!

 

What the f-.

Oh my god.

Whose is this?

The case is plain black, with a keychain of their light stick hanging off the corner. 

Oh my god.

Is this.

“Did Mingyu drop his phone?” Hampton asked from behind me.

Wow.

They are in so much trouble.

Who do I yell at first.

Who is more likely to hurt the other.

Actually.

I can’t really imagine either of them hurting each other.

Still.

I’m talking to them.

At some point.

 

“—artist is…Seventeen!”

Massive applause and screams. 

Hampton and Sav screamed and jumped with me.

“Wait what did they win?” I joined them.

It doesn’t really matter.

They deserve every win, even if the world doesn’t acknowledge it.

Bright stage lights illuminated millions of dust motes, falling like tiny stars around them, as they went down the line one at a time. 

Their fans were louder even than Seungkwan’s sobs.

Carats really love them.

How can you not love such nice boys.

Finally they ran off the stage, Mingyu holding the trophy high in the air. 

We were all crying to some degree or another. 

While the world doesn’t need to recognize them, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be.

I was scooped off the ground and twirled in the air.

My heart forgot to come up with me.

Completely light, Vernon set me down gently.

And then those long lashes grazed my cheeks as he kissed me.

I don’t hate him.

I think I love him.