Hansol <3: Hey Converse I need my stuff back.

Hansol <3: Seriously I need my beanie.

Hansol <3: Answer or I’m coming over

Hansol <3: I’m not joking

Hansol <3: Your boyfriend is on my side now. He’ll tell me where you live.

Hansol <3: I’m coming over at 1:30.

 

Why is he awake so early. 

If I ignore it will he go away.

I can’t see him again. I just can’t.

This relationship needs to be over.

 

Minho bent off the wall again, as if leaning in to hear my thoughts.

But inanimate objects don’t have personalities Ellie.

 

Hansol <3: Good you saw my messages. See you later.

Elena: Ok

 

He’s so adorable though. Those lashes. 

My heart quickened.

Stop Ellie. Just stop.

I’ll just be mean to him. That way he’ll never want to see me again. I’ll be out of their lives. I’ll never have to see Joshua again. He can keep my dress. I’ll text mom today and ask her to book my flight for next month. It’s decided. I need to start cutting ties with everyone. How do I tell Sam.

 

Elena: Hey guys I think I’m going to come home soon~ :)

_____________________________________________

 

I should clean up a bit before he comes over at least.

Even if it’s just a short visit.

I put the styrofoam cups and some sweet bread wrappers in my garbage can. Made my bed. Sat my Minho pillow up, a crown on the top of my bedding. I miss him.

 

A knock at the door.

 

“So, Sam gave you the passcode?”

“Is that ok?” he looked inside.

“Yeah, it’s fine” I stood blocking the door. “but we’re technically not allowed to have visitors.”

He peeked over my head.

“Can…I come in?”

“You can try,” I laughed.

I stepped back and sat on the bed.

“This place…is smaller than my bathroom,” he scooted in and stood against Minho awkwardly. “And my bathroom is not big.”

“I’m sorry if this isn’t big enough for you Beanie.”

“Beanie?”

“If you’re going to call me an article of clothing, I’m going to call you one.”

I kicked the chair out and he took a seat.

“Fair enough,” he cracked a smile.

This is so awkward. This entire thing. I should have just like…mailed him the stuff.

“Is this your family?” he asked picking up our family portrait from two years ago.

Here we go.

“Yeah. Find which one is me.”

He scanned the 10 faces, eyebrows scrunched.

“There’s so many of you…”

“Now you know how I feel.”

He looked up and laughed.

“But wait, none of them look like you.”

I sat up and pointed to the girl between mom and dad.

“Wait…that’s YOU?” he said mouth open.

“Surprised?” I asked looking for his beanie under my bed.

Where the crap is it.

“Wait…”

I sighed.

“What…” he held the picture up closer to eyes as if that would change the image.

His beanie isn’t under my bed. I specifically took it out of Sam’s bag last night. Where is it.

“THIS is you,” he pointed to an overweight girl front and center.

Not just overweight. Like…very overweight.

“I don’t believe you.”

This is why I don’t talk to boys. This exact reason. 

“You wouldn’t have talked to THAT girl on the subway would you?” I stared him down.

I’m not in a good mood today. It’s the cramps.

“No…I mean yes…I mean…yes of course…I mean,” he ran his hands through his hair. The strands stayed there.

I rolled my eyes.

“I can’t find your beanie I’m sorry.”

I hate boys.

He put the picture down, look up at me, down again, up again, down.

“I’ll mail it to you when I find it.”

“Actually, no I see the resemblance,” he stared at me. 

How do I lose things in such a small space.

“Your eyes. They’re the same.” He looked at me with that intensity he gave the other day over pancakes. So innocent and pure. Like every word is 100% truth. “If you looked at me with those, I would have followed you off the subway. No question”

I’m blushing. I hate nice boys. I hate them all.

I pulled the blanket up around my legs. I also hate Seoul winters. 

Voices rang up from the floor. Why are people at noraebang it’s barely lunch time.

“Look, Ellie,” I looked up. “About yesterday…it’s fine. Joshua is fine. Everything is hilarious actually,” he smiled sitting back. “And Sam is really cool. I get why you like him.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s just a really cool guy. You wouldn’t think so by seeing his ties and comb over but he’s actually really funny.”

They’ve turned into fanboys of each other. 

“He’ll be happy to hear that,” I smiled.

The singers downstairs sound horrific. Even I could sing better.

“Hey you should come over for dinner.”

“What,” I answered, but my heart sped up. Seeing Joshua again? No. No. No.

“Aren’t there girls still outside your apartment?”

“Nah they have to go to school now. And then English academy,” he said, “the more English they learn, the easier it is to talk to oppa!” he put his hands on either side of his chin and fluttered his lashes.

I can’t help but laugh. 

My cramps don’t hurt as bad if I’m distracted.

“Seriously. Come over. Mingyu is making kimchi soup. We can just start this entire thing over.”

Maybe he’s right.

“Sam is coming over to play MarioCart with Seungcheol. And we still have your heels,” he smiled.

I do love kimchi soup. And being with them was really fun. And maybe Jeonghan is less intimidating if I imagine him with purple hair. And I’d get to see Joshua again. And I’d get my heels back. Those may be the most expensive thing I own.

“Ok fine.”

He stood up and fixed his hair.

“And bring my beanie.”
“I’ll bring your beanie if I can find it Beanie.” 

Oh my god I’m so dumb.

“That was incredibly stupid,” he laughed.

“Don’t lie you liked it.”

“I find stupid stuff funny so…you’re right,” he winked. 

And he left.

 

_________________________________________________________

 

Sav: ugh life is so boring here

Kimmy: speak for yourself. this restaurant is hoppppping

Sav: Elena you’re really coming home??

Kimmy: She’s said that like a dozen times

Elena: no really guys I am. I’m broke. I have to.

Hampton: but wait I want to meet Joshua~~

Sav: even if you’re broke your life isn’t boring

Sav: but I do want you to come home asap :)

Sav: omg look at this picture of Joshua

Elena: screenshotted

 

I knocked on the grey metal door. 

No answer.

Loud car noises and squeaks from inside.

What the f-

I knocked again.

It slowly opened.

“Oh hey Ellie,” Wonwoo smiled slightly as I stepped inside.

“Hey.”

The small apartment was filled with life.

Noises and people and smells. Like home.

Loud cursing from the living room.

“Damn you Sam,”

“Eat my bananas”

“Hey Sam,” I yelled

“Oh hey Ellie!” he yelled backwards. “Just wait a second let me finish this race.”

I rolled my eyes and followed Wonwoo to the kitchen.

Mingyu was washing dishes. He wiped his hands on his apron and went to the stove, concentrated, in a world of his own. 

“Don’t distract him, he’s cooking,” Wonwoo laughed.

Man cooking. Alert. Alert. Weakness.

“Are you ok?” Wonwoo asked.

“What yeah I’m fine.” Oh my God why am I so see through.

Deafening man screams from the living room.

“It’s a little loud. Follow me,” we headed to Vernon’s room.

Is that a guitar? Who plays the guitar?

~Sunday morning rain is falling~

Joshua’s voice wafted out the door.

“That’s ok—I’ll stay out here.”

Not now. I’m not ready.

Wonwoo smirked. “Really Ellie, it’s ok. We think it’s funny.”

“Speak for yourself,” Jeonghan’s voice behind me.

“Joshua is not a serial crossdresser.” The smile played on the edge of his lips, but he kept a straight face. Trying to scare me. 

Just imagine him with his pastel purple hair.

“Just leave her alone Jeonghan—“

“DINNER’S READY!” Mingyu yelled over the annoying video game music and curses. No one from the living room moved—all entirely concentrated on the game.

Joshua stepped out of Vernon’s room. He kind of looks like a deer. A precious fawn with little spots and big dark eyes that reflect any light that hits them and steps so carefully

“—you?”
“Hm?” Oh god. Where is that mask.

“How are you?” he laughed.

Another round of man screams. A couple of the boys had gotten up and were gathered around Mingyu at the stove.

“Um…I’m great. I’m good. Just fantastic. Yeah.”

Oh my god why am I like this.

“Everyone grab a bowl and get in line please,” Mingyu said in an old lady voice. Everyone laughed.

“Well I’m doing great too,” Joshua responded.

“Oh yeah…good…”

Wonwoo cleared his throat. “So do you guys wanna like…eat?”

I turned and darted from the situation to get in line. Behind the shawol.

“Ellie!,” he said giving me a hi-five.

Mingyu was taking an extremely long time, measuring each cup a perfect level before pouring it into their bowls. He had a faint smile, as if he was doing it on purpose.

“So, what’s your favorite song on the album?” he asked.

“Actually, I’m a fan of their ballads,” I said. Hoshi widened his eyes, “ME. TOO. I love their dance songs obviously, and everyone assumes those are my favorites because you know, I’m a choreographer and I love Taemin the most,” he got faster and faster, “but their slow songs are so meaningful and you can really feel the emotion behind each word and I don’t know how they can switch between fast and slow songs so easily and be so perfect each time—“

“Turn around Hoshi,” he brought his bowl around and Mingyu carefully measured and poured the red stew. It simmered up

“—love SHINee so much.”

“Me too,” I smiled. 

Mingyu smiled and took my bowl before pouring the exact amount. Then he quickly dunked in and scooped a little bit more. He winked.

“I saw that,” Wonwoo said from behind me.

Everyone had headed back to the living room to continue watching the apparently enthralling race.

“Hey do you wanna eat together?”

Wonwoo and I headed back to Vernon’s room. A little table had been set up in the center at some point. He shut the door and we sat on the floor across from each other.

This soup is incredible. It’s better than the 24 hour place next to me even.

“So…you like Joshua?” I coughed and scalded my throat a bit.

“What?”

“Seriously I’ve known you for three days and can already read through you.”

I put my spoon down, “It’s my mom’s fault. I get it from her.”

He smiled and swirled the soup around with his spoon. The steam rose to his glasses.

“You should ask him out,” he said casually.

What.

No way.

“Seriously!,” he took small sip. 

“Ok there’s so many things wrong with that thought including but not limited to a) I’m a potato b) I’m awkward as f- and c) you’re idols. I thought that was like…a rule.”

He shrugged his shoulders and stirred it around more.

“We’re rookies. The rules are different.”

“But Jeonghan said—“

“Jeonghan is...well...just don’t worry about him.”

Loud screams from the living room.

“I don’t understand”

“I mean, you’d have to be super careful about it. Only go out at night. Wear a lot of covering. Don’t post pics or anything.”

“You sound…experienced.”

“I wish,” he sighed.

I took another spoonful. Mingyu is amazing. 

“And you’re not a potato,” he laughed. “You’re a pretty girl Ellie. I mean you’re not my type but, you’re pretty,” he said quickly.

Got it.

Wonwoo is cute. He and Hampton would be top notch.

“Wonwoo, I have a friend back home. I bet he’d love to meet you,” I smiled and took a large spoonful.

“Oh, no, I’m not that way,” he laughed. 

What.

“What do you mean…?
“Well, ok, Wonwoo facts time.” He put his spoon down across his bowl.
“So…I’m not attracted to all the girls I’m supposed to be attracted to you know? Like…the actresses and models and "ideal types" people talk about all the time. I see that they’re attractive, but I’m not attracted to them myself, does that makes sense?”

I wiped my lips. “I mean yeah, that’s how I feel about girls.”

“Exactly. So then I thought maybe I was into guys, but…I’ve never actually been attracted to a guy. Girls go crazy over the members and if I’m not attracted to them, or the idols we’re around, then who?”

“Ok…” 

He stirred his soup around.

“So, I thought I just maybe wasn’t attracted to anyone. It was kind of sad, singing songs about liking someone and never actually liking anyone, but I figured it would save me trouble in the end.”

He laughed, “I’ve never actually told anyone this. Why am I telling you?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know, but I love hearing it.”
He stared at the ceiling. “Hm. Well anyway, I thought this until a couple of weeks ago Vernon was going through his music and She popped up.”

I started eating again. “…She?”

He grinned so big eyes eyes crinkled.

“Bayyonsee.”

“…who?”

He took out his phone and turned it around.

His lock screen is a HD picture.

Of Beyonce.

I straight up coughed into my soup and had to set the spoon down. I kept coughing.

This is the most hilarious thing I have seen in a…very long time.

“Ellie are you ok???” he leaned forward in concern.

“Yes yes I’m fine,” 

But I’m not. My eyes are watering.

Oh my god.

“Wait, show me the picture again,” I coughed.

It’s from the Super Bowl a couple of years ago. When she wore that black and gold leotard. Full body shot, bronze wavy hair flowing behind her, looking fiercely at the cameraman.

I’m actually crying. This is amazing.

“So you like…curvy girls,” I was able to whisper.

He blushed so hard his forehead was red.

“Well, I like Bayyonsee.”

I wiped my eyes. “It’s Bee-on-say Wonwoo. Not Bay-on-see.”

“Oh,” he said taking my phone back. “Well, they don’t really have girls like that in Korea.”

I wiped my eyes again.

Wait a minute.

“Oh my gosh, you would love my friend Sav.”

I pulled out my phone. Where are those prom pictures from years ago. 

I scrolled through my facebook. Here they are.

I gave him the phone. 

He just stared. For a long time. Not moving at all just staring. Relatable.

Suddenly he clicked a bunch of buttons.

“What are you doing?” I reached over.

He had added himself to my phone and sent himself the picture.

He picked up his phone from off the table and set the picture as his home screen, all in a matter of seconds.

Sav. 

Is Wonwoo’s homescreen.

I mean, she was wearing that gold skin tight dress and looking f- hot. But-

“Wonwoo…it’s kind of weird, for me, having my friend…on your phone…just saying…”

He looked at me dead straight and held up the screenshot I’d taken of Joshua earlier.

Oh my god I’m crying again.

The door creaked open, “hey guys mind if I join you?” his soft voice said.