Only For Emergencies: hey I have a favor to ask you

“Who are you texting?” Emmaline asked, leaning forward in the bed.

“No one,” I said biting my lip.

Elena: depends on what it is

“It doesn’t seem like no one,” she rolled her eyes.

Only For Emergencies: I need your help getting my stuff to the airport.

“Why are you smiling like that Ellie?” 

“What? I’m not smiling.”

Elena: aren’t you in a boy band? don’t you have cars and managers to help you?

Only For Emergencies: yes but this is something only you can carry.

What the hell.

Elena: oh please haha

Only For Emergencies: come on, you’re not going to see me for three weeks. you won’t help me?

My stomach flipped over on itself. They’d been so busy preparing for the Asia tour, it was hard to find time. That’s the life of dating celebrities though.

I mean not dating.

Just seeing more than usual in a maybe more than friend way?

.

Elena: ok fineeee haha

Only For Emergencies: good

Only For Emergencies: also, I have to give it to you tonight. Instead of tomorrow morning.

Elena: what? why?

Only For Emergencies: meet me in Dangsan station, where we first met, at 12:00am.

What the hell.

The sun was shining on my screen causing an awkward glare.

That can’t be 12am.

I cupped my hand over.

Yep.

12:00am

Elena: but that’s…the last train?

Only For Emergencies: I’ll cover the taxi ride home. 

Only For Emergencies: see you then

I’m nauseous.

That feeling I had before going to the company building after their first win.

Like something was going to happen shortly.

Something that would change my paradigm.

I leaned against the subway wall, thinking of what he could possibly mean.

What would he have to give me that others couldn’t carry.

And why was he giving it to me tonight.

My intuition tells me that whatever it is, it isn’t going to come in a suitcase.

That whatever it is, isn’t the type of thing that can be weighed on a scale.

Am I ready for that?

The past few weeks had been fairly uneventful. 

With all of our schedules, we’d been texting and casually meeting.

But everyone was, and still is, recovering. 

But how long do we grieve.

Is there an expiration date.

A day when grief goes bad and we are allowed to throw it away and be happy again?

I know Sam would say there is.

Sam.

The pain is only a pinpoint now.

He’d be happy about that.

“Dangsan station is now approaching,” the voice rang in Korean and then in English.

My stomach filled with something hot. 

Which is strange because I didn’t eat anything today.

I wrapped my hands around it, trying to keep in control.

But why bother.

It’s pointless.

The doors opened and I escaped off with a crowd of people. Most transferring to the brown line, a handful headed for the exits.

I headed straight for the vending machine.

I took the second to last train, simply because I couldn’t stand sitting around in the hotel room.

Sav and Hampton pestered me all day.

It’s their fault I’m apprehensive at all.

It was them who put the idea in my head that whatever he wanted to deliver wasn’t something you could hold in your hand and store on a shelf.

I sat down on the wooden bench. It’s not winter yet, but it’s approaching.

I should have brought a sweatshirt or something.

Hopefully this won’t take long.

Or hopefully it will.

.

 A potion of intrigue, anxiety, and hope sloshed around inside. 

Yes, hope.

I don’t know what happened to me, but since Sam and Kimmy left, things changed.

Maybe I just realized how short life is?

How precious each moment is?

How important it is to let other people in?

To stop blocking people out?

Especially people you love.

I mean like a lot.

.

The train left the station and the stragglers went down the stairs.

I let out a deep breath.

There’s no reason to be nervous Ellie..

Biting on your lips won’t make you feel better.

Maybe the more I shake my leg, the more energy will leave.

Probably not.

I leaned back against the bench and clenched my stomach harder.

Maybe I’ll buy some peach tea.

No, that will make it worse.

As long as I don’t cry.

I’ll probably cry.

I took a deep breath, counted to five, and let it out.

If I don’t breathe, then everything is ok.

This is not going well.

He’s not even here yet.

The next train came, emptying out dozens of people. They ran through the hall, off to catch the final transfer of the night.

It moved on with a hiss.

12:01am.

Where is he.

The feeling is at the bottom of my throat now.

How—

“Hey,”

 I practically jumped off the bench.

“Sorry for scaring you!” he reached his hand out to touch my shoulder, then pulled away.

“No, it’s fine, you didn’t.”

Eyes full of concern. 100% sincerity.

That look I simultaneously loved and hated.

Because it made me feel so important, like I was loved beyond reason.

But also filled me responsibility. Fear that I would shatter that look. That one day it wouldn’t be there. Because of something I did. That he would lose that innocence.

I hate nice boys.

“Are…you ok?” he asked scrunching his eyebrows.

His hair stuck out from under my neon beanie, curling up under the edges.

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“Are you sick?” he asked concerned.

“No, no, everything is good.” I unclenched my arms from my stomach and sat straighter. Let’s try and appear normal.

“I’ll get you some tea,” he smiled nervously.

“I don’t have any money on me this time.”

“That’s ok,” he laughed, “I owe you.”

He plunked the coins in, one by one. They echoed through the hall. Or maybe it was just through my ears.

I can’t sit down anymore.

“You’re not carrying anything!” I sprung up next to him.

He jumped away.

“Oh, sorry to scare you,” I said.

“No, you didn’t.”

We watched the pink liquid drip into the cup.

He tapped his fingers on the glass.

“So…you don’t need my help?” I motioned to his empty hands.

“What?” he looked up.

“You said you needed my help carrying something.”

“Oh, yeah.” 

A loud switch noise.

We both jumped.

The lights clicked off one at a time, a domino of darkness.

A cool breeze swept threw the station, blowing a can into the tracks.

Over our shoulders, the river gaped wide in the window.

The skyscrapers lights reflected off the water, the city’s version of a starry sky.

I adjusted to the darkness, mesmerized by the way the light shone off his face.

I can’t do this.

“Here,” he handed me the cup.

The steam rose, warming my skin.

I stared at the bottom of the cup. Trying to center myself.

A light touch on my shoulder pushed me back, straightening me up against the vending machine.

My heart.

There it goes.

Galloping off without me.

Don’t look at him and it will be ok.

When is the next train coming.

It’s not.

The lights are out and the billboard is empty.

There’s nowhere for me to run.

He planned it this way didn’t he.

Sneaky little—

He stepped closer.

All four chambers pumping energy to my extremities and looping back. The beat of it is the only noise in this station.

Tea warm in my hands.

He put his arms on either side of my face, a whisper of space between our bodies.

I’m frozen.

Even if there was somewhere for me to run, I wouldn’t be able to go. My body is so full of energy, yet it’s stuck inside, building up.

The slight vibration of the vending machine on my back is the only external sensation. The only sensation not radiating from him.

“Elena,” a light touch on my chin as he tipped my face up, “please don’t run.”

Tingles, electricity to my toes.

The light reflects off his skin, the only shadows from this long lashes, which dance across his cheeks with each blink.

And then—everything focuses.

His light eyes entirely swallowed by dark pupil, filled with the scattered pieces of city lights shining in through the window.

In a moment, they come together and show their true reflection. 

It’s me. I don’t look scared or awkward or surprised. I look-- complete. I look ready. The same way he does. Like the fears we’d both been suppressing were, in this moment, ready to be released.

Like we matched.

I fell deeper and deeper. Until my reflection disappeared. 

The tea slipped out of my hands, and its warmth seeped through my thin red converse. 

And then, as he put his lips on mine, the stars escaped, igniting every atom within me to match his frequency, highlighting every memory between us.

Why did I resist this so long.

Why was I so hesitant.

I reached my arms around his shoulders and slipped off his beanie, letting his silky hair run through my fingers.

From the moment I saw him, I was entrapped. 

I had no control over my feelings.

I had no choice.

He pushed my hips back against the machine as I pulled harder on his hair.

Joshua was a choice. I asked him out. I met him at the river. I wanted to kiss him. And while it was scary, there was always a way out. For some reason, my subconcious self knew that I could always leave, with minimal damage. That there was only to gain and nothing to lose.

I pulled on his hair harder, bringing him closer to me. There's none of the hesitation Joshua had. None of the question or doubt. Only strength.

He tastes minty.

He planned this. 

I hate him.

The fact that he knew what I was going to do, that he could predict my every move, that he could use my weaknesses to stop me from escaping. 

That with him, there was so much to gain, but so much to lose.

Lose myself.

And if you lose yourself in someone, then there’s nowhere to run. 

Wherever you are in the world, regardless of space or time, you’re next to them.

He pulled back.

A gush of air swept threw us, stealing his deep breaths and wrapping me in his strawberry shampoo.

“Is that all you have to give me?” I asked.

He laughed. “Can you carry more?”

I smiled, tightened my fingers around his neck and pulled his face back down.

His fingers reached under the bottom of my shirt and traced along the stop of my jeans, leaving a trail of sparks against my skin, and the energy inside exploded in a brilliant show of colors.

There was no going back.

He was the only direction to run in.

And the stars wrapped around us, pushing us together, as if the universe planned this moment long ago.