I didn't tell anyone about the texts.

I told Mom and Emmaline that I was sleeping over at Sam’s. 

I told Sam I was staying with Mom and Emmaline.

So I was free to take tonight for what it was. To roll with the punches—for better or for worse—without anyone to rush me home. To give me time to digest whatever he was to tell me. He runs a puppymill. He only changes his underwear once a week. He’s allergic to silver. He only has one . It literally could be anything.

Getting out of the cab, my heart beat steadily.

His silhouette clearly outlined against the skyline.

The moon reflecting off the sparkling concrete, a light wind rustling the green cherry blossom trees. A snapback with an American flag.

Weakness.

I can do this.

I can do hard things.

My blood rushed quickly but efficiently, ready to take on whatever grand truth awaits.

But is it.

A can blew across the sidewalk. It hit the rock he perched on, startling him around.

He blinked, as if clearing sleep from his eyes.

“Hey,” I said, sitting close to him. Only a whisper of space between us.

“Hey,” he smiled sadly.

Don’t look at him.

Don’t do it.

“You’ve stood me up twice,” he said looking at his hands, “I honestly didn’t expect you to come.”

“Honestly, me neither.”

We both laughed.

A wedding yacht slowly rode down the river, lighting small fireworks.

The irony.

He smiled too.

It feels like an eternity of memories had passed since last time we were here.

Has it really only been two months?

Is he going to say something?

Or is he waiting for me.

He breathed deeply and scratched the rock beneath him.

Guess I’ll start.

“Listen Joshua—“

Don’t look at him.

“I’m sorry for whatever I did to you I didn’t mean—“

“No Elena,” he said softly wringing his hands, “don’t apologize to me.” 

Then what am I here for.

What do you want from me. 

Is it raining?

A drop on my knee.

Another.

Oh my god.

His wide eyes met mine.

Mistake.

Wide and clear, completely glassy. 

Like a bubble over onyx.

“Elena, I have a confession to make,” he cleared his throat and rubbed his hand over his mouth.

A tear escaped and crept down the slant of his cheek, off the tip of his nose, and on to my jeans.

Oh my god.

I gasped in pain. 

Who hurt him.

That’s not my tear.

Where are my tears.

Like a dry sponge.

Another soaked into my jeans.

My heart physically aches.

Why can’t I show that.

“Elena,” he looked up at me.

“I’m not…in love with you,” he whispered.

That’s it.

That’s all this is about.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked. So confused—like a baby still discovering the world.

“I’m not in love with you either Joshua…” I said.

Release.

It’s fine.

Relieving actually.

“But Sav said—“

Sav’s name clenched my heart again but I swallowed the pain.

“Sav doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

Happy screams from off the ship.

“And I’m not in love with Vernon either—“ I said smiling.

This is fine. We’re fine. Just a miscommunication we can go back my infatuation and kissing again and it’s all good—

“You’re not?” his eyebrows shot into his cap.

“No!” I put my hand on his knee.

Everything is going to be ok between us.

“I wish you were,” he whispered.

What.

Another tear fell on my hand. Warm and round, it slid onto my wrist.

Oh my god.

Why is he crying.

Why aren’t I crying.

“What do you mean?”

He moved his knee out from underneath me.

“I wish… you were in love with Vernon,” he said crunching his knees up to his body and pulling his hat band down.

What the f-.

“I don’t understand,” I said.

A faint congratulations echoed across the water from the boat.

What the hell is going on.

Say something.

You can’t say something like that and not continue.

“It’s just—“ he sighed “it would make it a lot easier for me to be in love with someone else, if you were.”

Laughter and clinking of glasses reached us.

Oh. 

Wow.

Ok.

“You were so confusing,” he put his forehead in his hands. Eyes puffy now, the moonlight reflected off mica cheeks. 

“I thought it had finally happened. That finally the curse God gave me had lifted.”

“Curse?”
What the f-.

“I gave it time. For the feeling to leave. Because it was too good to be true,” he smiled, “finally a girl I was attracted to, a girl I could show my dad. To make him proud. For once.”

Wait.

What.

Is he.

What is he trying to say.

“I tried so hard,” he voice cracked and he put his face in his hands.

His shoulders shook.

Oh my god.

Tears rolled down his cheeks.

A gaping hole in my chest.

Who did this to him.

Who hurt him.

Was it me.

His shoulders shouldn’t wrack like that.

Like I've been shot through the heart over and over, holes right through me to the other side. My feelings tied so strongly to his, every tear is like my own.

I reached my hand out to his back. Rubbing with the tips of my fingers, back and forth through his thin white t-shirt.

It doesn't help him.

Or me. 

It doesn’t make sense.

“Joshua, I don’t understand,” 

“Just listen Ellie!” He suddenly spoke up, “open your ears. Can you not understand what I’m saying?”

What the f-.

What is going on.

What is wrong with his eyes.

What is the difference.

Swollen and glassy yes but there’s something more.

Wait.

It’s me.

The girl reflecting from him doesn’t have hanging open stupidly or look hypnotized. She looks strong.

He’s willing me to understand.

And then I do.

The pieces of the past few months, scattered clues across a giant table, swirled into place. 

I had been in a love triangle.

Hadn’t I. 

Joshua, Jeonghan and I.

And I had lost.

I saw myself understanding in his eyes. 

His gaze softened.

He bit his lip as more silent tears fell.

I’m tearing, but because of my predicament?

No.

Because here’s a boy. A picture perfect angel. The kid that everyone roots for. Who, above everyone, deserves the happy ending. 

And he’d been suffering inside. 

This entire time.

“It’s not a curse Joshua,” I whispered.

The boat had disappeared, off under the bridge.

“I don’t know who told you that, but it’s not true.”

His lashes had clumped together, sweeping tears out to the sides.

“You are not a bad person. You are an incredible person.”

Another tear fell down his nose.

"you think so?" he whispered.

I wiped it away.

"Oh my god yes," I laughed through my tears.

“Don’t feel guilty for something out of your control.”

I taste them.

“Love is love. Don’t be afraid of it and don’t be ashamed of it.” My voice cracked.

I took his cap off and fixed his hair.

He’s looking at me like I’m an angel from on high come to deliver him news.

Something he always believed.

But had never been told.

Like a child clinging on to any words of affirmation. 

“Don’t…listen to this in secret Joshua,” I put his cap back on. 

“Listen out loud.”

He wiped a tear off of my face.

It burns.

“And live out loud,” I grabbed his face,  “and love out loud.”

He smiled. 

The one smile I thought was reserved for me, but was really reserved just for special moments.

He put his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder.

“Thank you Elena.”

I his hair and let his tears drain on my shoulder, as the the sun rose.