It made sense how she knew about the subway bathroom thing. 

It made sense how she knew we were at their apartment. 

She was freaking there. 

Those pictures may have even been hers. That she sold to the news or something.

But her reasoning didn’t make sense. 

There’s no way this could be a twins-separated-at-birth thing. 

To someone desperate enough for it to make sense, then it possibly could. But to an outsider, the lines were too long drawn and the pieces not quite close enough. 

And she wanted to use me. 

Use me to what, spy on them?

I told her that I left Korea. That I was home for good. And that she should give up on looking for her parents because obviously they didn’t care enough to find her.

It may have been the meanest thing I have ever said, but the pain she’d caused to a dozen other people didn’t begin to compare. And in that moment, I wanted her to hurt.

I went home fuming. I’d have to make a separate chat to talk about her. Which could cause mix ups. I’d rather just call Sav. When she wakes up.

And I can’t tell Sam. Not yet. He worries me as it is.

Mom came to me after dinner. Like a teenager I’d locked myself in the girl’s room. It’s immature and annoying but the drama in my life makes it ok. I deserved it.

I also deserved a rationalization award.

“Ellie, are you ok?” she sat on the edge of the bed. Hair whispier and more wrinkles than I remember from 2 years ago. Stress does that. Age does that.

“I’m fine mom, it’s fine.” She wouldn’t understand. Kimmy is just a name. And I’m not telling her about Joshua or Vernon or the soldier at the club or any of those things ever. I’m 24 years old. I can handle this myself. Evidently.

“If you’re fine, then why aren’t you eating?” she asked.

“I am eating.” 

What’s she talking about.

I went to In ’n’ Out today.

Kind of.

“Not like you used to,” she dragged her hands across the quilt. It’s almost as soft as Vernon’s. But not quite.

“That’s because fat camp changes you. I’m not addicted to food anymore.” 

“That may be true, but normal people eat more than one serving of my mashed potatoes.”

I tried to match her smile but failed.

“I know you’re depressed,” she said patting my leg.

I’m not depressed.

“Is it because you miss Korea?”

I’m not depressed.

She sighed at my silence.

“Well, I have some good news. But you have to promise not to tell Emmaline until her birthday.”

“Ok…”

“The Make a Wish Foundation called yesterday,” she said.

As if that was the most normal thing in the world. As if the ‘Make a Wish Foundation’ was just a name and didn’t imply making a final wish before…dying.

“I don’t know how they heard about Emmaline. She doesn’t go to school, and it’s not like we parade her around the block asking for pity,” she stared at the Chan poster, “I don’t know anyone besides us that know about her cancer. Let alone anyone who would have the influence to convince them that we are worth it.”

Oh my god.

I do.

My lungs are burning.

How could he do this.

Why does he have to be so good.

Why can’t he just leave me alone. Play the guitar for another girl. Forget me and let me live my life. Let me find a normal boy who will let me have normal relationship and can live a normal middle class life in a normal neighborhood. I’m not capable of loving a dancer/singer/angel. 

“—Seventeen.”

“What?” I choked out.

“I told them her wish. What I believe would make her the most happy,” she smiled and stared at them sitting around in dark makeup.

“To go to Korea and meet Seventeen.”

——————————-

The next two days were rough.The first week she had been bright and cheerful. The vivacious Emmaline I saw growing up. And then her medication randomly hit her. Apparently it was a pattern that had developed over the past few months. She stayed in bed for hours at a time. She couldn’t do anything that needed energy. Read, knit, or even cry. In those moments, she seemed 60 years old, not only with an old body, but with an old mind and a dark understanding of her future.

The boys were too young to understand. Esther and Emily were too busy with school and sports. Mom did her best but she can’t give one child the 100% she needs when there are 5 others. And it killed her. You could see it in the slow methodic motions when she washed the dishes. Or when she looked out the window for too long. 

That’s why I was there. To get Emmaline her water and to read her stories and massage her head. To give healing attention. And the thing that made her happiest? Seventeen. Watching their Pretty U stages on all the shows. Including their comeback stage. The last time I saw Joshua. There were moments in those 48 hours where I considered telling her everything. Why not? I needed some healing too. But for some reason I wanted to keep those memories to myself. To stay selfish of those magic moments, as if sharing them made them less special.   But I had failed at separating my friend life from my korean boy band life. At least I could keep my family life and korean boy band life separated. Let myselft untangle.

On her 15th birthday, she was feeling a little better. Probably because of the fact it was her birthday. Her emotional mood impacts her physical health so much.

Mom made cupcakes and she opened just one box.

A card from the Make a Wish Foundation, with 10 plane tickets to Korea. Scheduled to depart… tomorrow.

Cheers and tears from everyone. So happy to see her happy. No one either realizing or accepting the fact that it wasn’t from Santa Clause. It’s from an organization that makes dying children happy.

Nothing even about Seventeen. Guess that’s supposed to be a surprise. Hopefully it's something quick and non-commital. A concert ticket. So I can figure out this situation separately.

Did Joshua know she was fan?

No. I didn't even know till I walked into her room.

And I didn’t tell him,

Well, I complained about it to Sav and Hampton constantly.

.

Only 7 of the plane tickets had return dates—for the week after.

“Seoul University Hospital is doing research on a new type of chemotherapy. They offered to put us up at an apartment nearby for as long as…we can,” Mom said.

Until she was healed or she died. Basically.

“I can’t believe they offered so much to us. We’re just a normal family.”

I know.

I know who exactly who did this.

7 tickets.

That means I’m staying behind too.

________________________

I had stayed in America successfully for 10 days.

Good job self.

That’s how capable you are of being independent.

More like that’s how attached you are to people on the other side of the world. People who won’t always be there.

But also, others who will always be there.

My heart lifted.

Elena: guys~ I’m coming back to Korea~

. Kimmy is in this chat still. 

Too late.

A couple of hours later.

Hampton: WHATTTTT

Sav: EFHJKSDGFDS

Elena: I’ll explain everything later. Tomorrow at 8 to be precise. Meet me at the airport haha

______________________

And here I was back in Incheon Airport. The place I loved the most. The place I hated the most. The place I never thought, or intended, to see again.

“Ellie, aren’t you happy about this?” Dad searched the piles of suitcases for 9 matching duffle bags.

“Yeah, of course,” I said.

But truthfully, I felt sick. 

I thought I said goodbye to them for good. 

And now I’d have to face them again. 

Sam, Hampton, and Sav are ecstatic. Or at least they were when I told them.

Most of the boys, my puppies, would be happy as well. I think.

Vernon will be…not sure. Happy? Angry? Confused? Probably a mixture. Like me.

And Joshua. 

That will be awkward.

We were never dating.

But my goodbye felt a lot like a breakup text.

Here we were meeting again. 

And I definitely needed God with me.

We walked out of baggage claim, 3 carts piled with our bags.

But here I am thinking about myself.

Emmaline was absolutely beaming. It was as if she was emitting light from every single pore. Her blue eyes brighter and a smile larger than I’d seen since being home.  Mom said she hadn’t seen her this energetic since her diagnosis. 

She’s in Korea. The same country as oppas. 

Little does she know.

And Esther was trying to hide a smile.

I see you.

Dad and mom shared a look and then glanced around.

What are they looking for.

Where’s Sav?

Then I heard it.

“예쁜 말~” far off.

No.

“모두 모아서 따다”

No.

“주고 싶은데~”

Oh my god.

Seungkwan. From behind an atm.

“너너너너” Seokmin appeared from behind a tall plant.

“앞에 서면 자꾸 들어가는 말~”

One by one they appeared, an airport flash mob.

Emmaline.

Emmaline’s hand was over , eye’s wide. Positive energy seemed to radiate out of her as she realized what was happening.

She’s so beautiful.

She deserves every happiness this world has to offer.

Mom put her arms around her shoulders. Dad was just smiling wide. More than I’ve ever seen him.

“새벽에 물을 마시면서 혼자 다짐해 나는 너에게” Woozi came closer, pointing to himself, and then to her.

No one had mics, but their voices filled the terminal.

People stopped to watch. But out of curiosity, not greed. Mostly foreigners confused out of their minds.

“턱 끝까지 차 올랐던 그 말을 내일 꼭 하겠어~” Jeonghan jumped off a bench.

And then a voice behind us.

We turned simultaneously.

“너 예쁘다” Chan sang, inches away from Emmaline’s face.

The performance broke and everyone in the terminal cheered.

“Hello, my name is Dino, nice to meet you,” Chan said in perfect English, bowing slightly.

Emmaline frozen in place. Tears stayed in her eyes.

Why are her ducts more functional than mine.

It’s not fair.

"Chan oppa~~" she said jumping forward and crabbing his neck.

Pure innocence. 

A girl who’d been through so much deserved this happiness more than anyone.

I’m crying.

I turned around. Everyone was here. Hampton was crying into Seungkwans shoulder. The only one who I could ever count on to be more emotional than me. 

Sam was aggressively playing with his tie and Sav was holding tight to Wonwoo’s sleeve.

Oh my god.

He was blushing under his glasses.

“Hello my name is Mingyu, nice to meet you~” Mingyu bowed to Esther. Mom laughed.

“—beautiful,” she said. 

“What?” Mingyu looked confused.

“I mean. This place. Is beautiful,” she held her face in her hands.

Esther is me. 

I’m so embarrassing.

“It’s good to see you Converse.”

Oh my god.

Emily looked at Esther, who looked at me. Emmaline let go of Chan.

.

I didn’t think this through.

I didn’t plan on this confrontation.

This is the last thing I wanted. 

And why is it always Vernon.

What do I do.

“Hey,” I said turning my back towards my family. He was wearing my beanie. But that didn't trap the scent of his shampoo completely.

His lashes. I had forgotten. When he jumped out of the subway train after me, simply to tell me he wasn't a . Wanting to restart our relationship whenever he did something stupid.

I looked around at everyone. In a circle arond me. Different feelings associated with each person. All of them intense. Overwhelming. Joshua is back there somewhere. He has to be.

"Let's just...start over," I said.

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a/n I'm SO excited to write the next two chapters. I've had them in my head since I started and they've only evolved since. For real this time things about to get cray cray. 26 chapters of buildup ya'll are champions