We had to wait until everyone left.

Not only the members, but also the girls who wait outside every day hoping to catch a glimpse of oppa.

Because despite the Vernon thing blowing over, despite Wonwoo saying it wasn’t a big deal, despite the fact that I’m only here for two months more,  it should still be kept a secret from the general public. 

And we both, somehow, innately knew it.

So it wasn’t until 2am, once again, that he texted me the directions and told me to meet him on the front steps.

Shua: pepperoni or cheese? :)

Elena: hmmmm…pepperoni

Shua: correct answer :)

The big black building had one small light hanging above the door. 

Why am I so nervous.

Last time I checked humans have 4 heart chambers, but I’m fairly certain at this point in time I have eight. There’s just no way it can be beating this much blood this fast.

I knocked on the door.

I’d put on some makeup. I’d been nervous for approximately 27 hours. It was either put on makeup or eat and I’d stabbed myself in the eye with the mascara brush and it still hurt a bit. I'd even knit an entire scarf. Not that it's cold anymore or that I know anyone that evens needs scarves. But it's straight lines back and forth and something to keep my hands busy.

It opened slowly and he peeked around the corner before smiling and beckoning me in.

“Did you think I was a stalker?” I asked him laughing.

“To be honest, ever since that subway cross dressing incident, I haven’t underestimated fangirls,” he pulled on his little white collar button down. How did he know that weakness.

“That’s good because they are a force not to be reckoned with,” we walked to a table in the center of a large room. “I’ve seen Sav when she’s seen Kai—there is no force on this earth who could prevent her from reaching him.”

“Wait, she’s met EXO Kai?”

We sat down, knees facing each other. 

“She’s seen him on TV. And that was enough.”

“Oh my goodness. What would she do if she saw him in person?” he looked genuinely concerned.

“You know Joshua,” I put my head in my hands. My friends are so embarrassing. “I'm really not sure. But it would probably involve a lot of screaming, hair ripping, and possibly humping the ground,” he covered his mouth holding in a laugh “But I kind of hope we don’t find out. For Kai’s sake.”

“Well I ordered pizza,” he said laughing and pulling the boxes over.

They smelled so good but now I don’t know if I can eat. Why am I so nervous. It’s because it’s just the two of us. And not in public.

Stop Ellie Stop. He’s not that way. He goes to church all the time and prays over his meals and has the sweetest nicest heart he probably doesn’t take shortcuts across the grass when there’s signs that say not to. Hell, he probably puts up the "don’t step on the grass" signs.

Or maybe he doesn’t. 

I try to come off as a relatively normal and nice person when in reality I’m just a mess of swears, rude comments, and inappropriate thoughts that sometimes slip out. 

Maybe he’s the same way.

“Are you ok?” he said putting a piece of pizza on my plate before grabbing one for himself.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” 

He poured me some water, and then himself.

“Ok, so the point of the hashtag game is that there is always something to talk about right?”
He asked taking a sip. He’s so pretty when he drinks.

“Yeah,” I took a bite of pizza but it’s so cheesy it practically falls out of my mouth. Why am I so nervous oh my god.

“Ok, so I have a question then. You have to tell me about how you used to be 300 pounds.”

I laughed. This is an ok topic. Now anyway.

“Well, when I was in middle school I got pneumonia,” I said putting my pizza down. “I was out of school and stuck on the couch for months. At first I lost a bunch of weight because I wasn’t eating, but then my stomach was ok and I was just weak.” He poured me some more water. “I still couldn’t go to school, so I just sat around and read and ate. I ate a lot. I like to eat.”

He laughed and cut up his pizza with a fork and knife, meanwhile mine dripped cheese all over the plate. Why am I such a slob.

“In 3 months I gained 50 pounds, and those habits don’t just stop you know?” he put a bite of pizza in his mouth so carefully like one of those fish that keep their babies in their mouths. I wonder if he kisses that way. Oh my god.

“Ok…”

“Yeah so, it just didn’t stop I don’t know. Sav—I told you about Sav on the bridge—she stayed my friend but a lot of people didn’t. There were times I didn’t feel too great about myself but my parents love me a lot and Sav always stuck up for me so it was fine.”

“It wasn’t until I went to college that it really started to bother me. Which only made me eat more.”

He was listening so intently like he actually cared what I said. Like I was going to quiz it on him later so he was taking mental notes.

“My family…doesn’t have a whole lot of money…so I went to community college and lived at home.”

This conversation is making me not hungry. The pizza looks nasty actually.

“Anyway, long story short, my mom entered me in a fat camp giveaway and we won. So then I went to fat camp. Came back not fat. Came to Korea. The end.”

He choked on his piece.

“That’s it? I thought there was going to be a lot more drama involved.”

There was. But I wasn't going to tell him about Sam. Not yet.

“Nah, I was fat and then I was kicked into shape and now I’m here.”

I found a knife under the napkins and started cutting the pizza like he did.

He spent money on the pizza. I should try to eat it.

“Ok, now you answer one of mine.” This cheese is really hard to cut. “What’s it like growing up without any siblings?”

He took a long sip of water. “Well, I don’t really have much to compare it to. But I guess it was a little stressful.”

Three people in your family stressful? He must have seen my doubt. 

“Just like…my parents were always super concerned about my grades. It’s like I was the only hope for the bloodline, so I had to be perfect.”

He cut another bite of pizza. “Actually, they didn’t know that I applied to be a kpop idol.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. My grades weren’t as they hoped so I planned to go to a local college. To be honest I actually wasn’t…” he looked at the ceiling, “like I am now.”

What.
“You know what I mean.”

This is fascinating.

“No…I don’t…” I said smiling inside.

“Nothing really bad just…a little of this and a little of that,” he said pointing to my slice and his slice.

Oh my god.

“Nothing illegal! Or at  least not illegal...everywhere...”

Oh my god.

“I was going through teenage angst ok!”

This is the best. This is almost as good as Wonwoo liking Beyonce.

“I was sorting through a lot. I was really confused about a lot of things,” he stared at the table. As if he’s still confused. Aren’t we all.

“But I went to a music festival, and a Pledis guy told me I should I apply and I was like, why the heck not, so I made a little video and sent it in,” he took another sip of water.

“And now I’m here.”

“That’s it? I expected there to be a lot more drama involved.”

“Well, now they’re home alone,” he laughed, “My dad still doesn’t support me. But it’s fine, he’ll come around,” he smiled sadly. “I think he was hoping that with me leaving my ‘no good friends’ I’d wear less eyeliner. But now, I actually wear more.”

I’m choking.

He gave me that big smile. The one that he makes when I laugh at his jokes. I'll just laugh at more so he smiles like that.

Ok but that one was legitimately funny.

Silence for a second.

My heart is beating fast again.

“Do you want any more pizza?” he asked.

“No, I’m good.”

“Ok, everyone will eat it tomorrow. I’ll just tell them that the CEO bought it for us,” he said putting it in the fridge.

“Well, do you want to look around?”

He took me downstairs to the practice room. A big open room with two walls covered in a giant mirror. Unnerving to see myself from so many angles.

“This is where Mingyu makes coffee,” he said pointing to a counter with a coffee maker. “And this is where Hoshi talks about SHINee,” he said motioning to the entire room.

He’s funny tonight.

We went up two flights, him pointing out stupid things along the way. “This is where DK always tries to slide down the banister. This closet is where Chan once hid for hours while we played hide seek and we forgot about him.”

We went to an office with a long black table and a bunch of different papers spread on top.

“And this is where the magic happens,” he said pointing to the bathroom. 

I laughed and he smiled again. It’s such an easy equation, especially when he’s actually being funny. 

“No ok, for real this is where it happens.”

He took my hand. Tingles. And any kind of ease the pizza and the stupid jokes brought, disappeared.

He brought me across the room to two small doors. He opened the one on the left and ushered me in. 

“This is the production room,” he said. “This is Woozi’s bed,” he said pointing to the couch, and “that’s the computer that holds every song we’ve made for the past 5 years.”

He quickly dragged me out and to the door next to it. 

“This is the recording room.” It’s tiny, barely big enough for the both of us. And there’s definitely not much oxygen in here and I’m fairly certain there’s less and less of it every moment. He pointed to one wall that had a window into the production room. “That’s where Woozi sits and tells us we are failures while we try and sing into this microphone,” pointed to a mic attached to the ceiling.

“And these walls are soundproof,” he said squishing foam attached to the walls, “so that Seungkwan’s laughs can’t get in while we are trying to record, and our voices are completely shut in.”

What is he going to do. 

He planned this very well.

His pupils are big in this dim room, but this time there’s no moonlight to reflect. Just a vague light washed over them, almost like a filter. 

Is this going to happen now.

Oh my god.

He tilts his head. Looking at me in his own way. 

I would give up a lot of things to know what he was thinking.

But why isn’t he moving.

Is he waiting for me?

Does he expect me to do all the work since I’m the one that asked him out?
I reached for his other hand, and stepped forward “wait stay here!” the weird filter cracked and he turned outside the room. In seconds, he was in the production room, turning on the computer. 

What the f-

“I want you to hear a song we’re working on,” he said intently clicking around.

Meanwhile, I’m about to suffocate in here. The door is open but for some reason my forehead is sweating and on the verge of carbon dioxide poisoning.

This is unhealthy.

“Put the headphones on” he motioned to some headphones hanging on the top.

I heard the music playing inside and slipped them over my ears.

A really soft melody.

But also confusing—parts where it was upbeat and parts where it was slow.

“Is it supposed to be happy or sad?” I asked. I couldn’t hear my own voice and he motioned for me to take an ear off.

“We haven’t decided. It depends on the lyrics, which haven’t been written yet.”

I put the headphones back on again. 

It’s really strange. In a beautiful way.

“I think it could be a lullaby, a confession song, a lost love song…” I couldn’t hear myself but he nodded from the window in agreement.

He let it play and came back into the room. 

There goes the oxygen again. And I was just starting to get a handle on myself. I tried to stay focused on the music and not look at him. 

“I think it’s more of a sad song though,” I said. “ The first song on the playlist you turn on when you’re sitting alone at home. Alone and thinking about somebody.”

As long as I don’t look at him then it’s fine everything is fine.

I closed my eyes and tried to think of more things to say about the song seeing as if I can’t see or hear him then he’s not here and he needs to not be here if I’m to keep my veins in my body.

But then there was a soft touch on my cheek and in one motion he slipped off the headphones so they stayed around my neck and cupped my face. 

Those lashes sweeping away floating dustmotes.

The music still softly playing in the headphones.

And me looking scared out of my mind reflected in his eyes.

And it’s that look again. But this time it’s tinged with something else. There’s a line between his eyes, as if he himself is also afraid.

“Elena,” he said, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. Tingles followed his fingers.

“Um…” he smiled and looked down, “can I…” he looked back up at me. Forehead lines, biting his liips.

“Can I kiss you?”

Is he even real? You don’t just ask someone if you can kiss them. But you also don’t just ask someone out. You also don’t just casually walk across a bridge and discuss life with a kpop idol you barely know. Nothing about this relationship is real.

“Please say yes,” he whispered. 

I put my hand on his chest, surprisingly hard beneath his button down,and just nodded.

He smiled, but not the one that went to his eyes-- a different one. That one he gave me in the kitchen yesterday. With the curiosity that was always on the surface, but an intent that was only in this moment emerging.

A warm hand reached the small of my back, long delicate fingers slowly traced along the top of my jeans.

I closed my eyes.

“What the hell is going on in there—“ a voice yelled, banging on the window.

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a/n wow fluff I love fluff. the only thing I love more than fluff is angst. what a tragedy~