The loud clang of high heels echoed in the deserted corridor at a late night hour before it stopped in front of her room. The door slid open and her lips curled in a smirk at the sight of Madam Jo.

"I've been waiting for you, old friend." She said.

"I know, Mrs Kim.”

She had been waiting for four years for that moment. It was time for her to go back to the game. 


She had always been the one to win anyways. Sunggyu was a surprisingly strong opponent. He managed to put her in jail after all. It really made her go nuts which how she ended up in a mental institute. His days were over though.

Mrs Kim still had a fortune distributed between a few banks abroad and her loyal followers didn’t abandon her, especially Madam Jo and Dr Kim Chaerim who were responsible for her escape. It was hard to get through the security, with Dongwoo making sure the guards changed regularly, keeping a very close on her and not allowing visitors other than Sunggyu. 

It was only lately that they succeeded in slipping one of her men in the security system. It happened to coincide with the same time they found out Eunji was alive but amnesiac so they sent her to pay a visit her ‘mother’ to jog her memory. 
Dr Kim heard about Sunggyu’s condition so she visited his work place one night, watching as he went through a panic attack, enjoying the sight. They continued sending clues about the past to Eunji, making her hate Sunggyu in the process.



It was an entertaining game for them, to manipulate their victims before killing them. 



As soon as they got Mrs Kim out, they updated her about all the happenings, and she happened to have a vague idea already, even a plan ready.



The odds were on their side as they found Sunggyu unconscious and dripping with blood in his house. Making it look like suicide, an obviously deeper cut was carved on his skin. 
Mrs Kim snatched the picture from his grasp with utter disgust.



“You kids had lost this war long time ago.” she walked away without any last look, taking the picture with her.





-





“He’s still alive.” Madam Jo had confirmed after receiving a call from one of her spies.


Mrs Kim was surprisingly calm about it. “It’s okay, I still have plan B. Get the car ready.” she signaled to Dr Kim. “We’re going to the hospital.”

After hearing about Sunggyu’s suicidal past and mental health, she made her goal clear; she’s not going to kill him, she’ll just push him to do it by himself. A few words and a special gift were enough.

It was the most satisfying revenge for her. 









-








The streets were empty, dark and cold. Summer was just around the corner, but the chilly breeze at night was unavoidable. And Sunggyu was grateful for the warm clean set of clothes he had found in his hospital room, probably Dongwoo had brought them, like every time. The nurses were never going to let him leave if they had saw him in the hospital gown, plus he didn’t know how long he was going to stay outside or where was he going. 
He just wanted to take a very long walk to clear his mind and try to think ‘reasonably’.

But reasonably wasn’t possible when everything was going downhill and all that Sunggyu had feared for years was finally happening, nor when the weight of the loaded gun was heaving his jacket’s pocket.

Sunggyu was finally left alone. No one to care for him. His mother just wanted him dead, his father was always busy and barely had time to even call, his brother was submitting him in an asylum, his friends couldn’t afford to be always there, they had their lives too and Eunji…


For years, Sunggyu was holding onto a string of hope, even though he knew it will turn out to be nothing, an illusion. He thought that maybe one day he’ll have her back, with her memories or not, but the reality was another deal. All hopes had vanished alongside with Sunggyu’s will to live. 
He had nothing to live for anymore, no one to live for. 

Sunggyu knew that his friends will be sad for his lost, but they had each other, they will get over him and most importantly, they will be free. No more worries about their crazy friend, no more urgent calls at unexpected hours, no more sitting for hours in the emergency room every few days. Their lives will be more worry-free.


For the first time in years, he had admitted his defeat. There was no sense of guilt anymore as he let his demonic thoughts totally consume him. He stopped walking, analyzing his surroundings. Because of the lack of lightning, he had a hard time at first recognizing his location, but soon enough he saw the familiar fountain. 
A sad smile graced his lips. There was no better place for him to die at. He’ll just disappear from life like how that Christmas memory disappeared from Eunji’s mind. 


‘I’m so tired of fighting back. It’s time to put an end to everything.’



Sunggyu took the gun out, the coldness of the metal making him flinch, but it only made him hold tighter. Surprisingly, he wasn’t shaking nor was he afraid. A sense of calmness took over him, complete inner-peace.

Slowly, he brought the gun’s muzzle to his temple, putting his finger over the trigger. 



‘Let’s make it fast. Just one shot.’ 


His heart picked up its pace so he closed his eyes to calm himself, Eunji’s smiling face appearing behind his lids and a his lips curved upwards as well.



‘I think this is goodbye.’





“SUNGGYU NO!!” 


The scream was loud in the empty space and Sunggyu knew to who it belonged. But hearing her voice didn’t mean that she was there. It’s been like that for four years and that moment was no exception. Sunggyu didn’t want another disappointment before his death but he couldn’t help but open his eyes. Even if it was a hallucination, he wanted to see her one last time.


And Eunji was there, standing few feet away from him, eyes red shot, her hair a mess as she was panting harshly. 


“What are you doing?!” she yelled, voice hoarse and strained. That’s when he noticed that she was crying.


The Eunji he always saw during his episodes was always perfect, ethereal and angelic. Her smiles and sweet words were enchanting, seducing him to follow her, to death. She was the complete opposite of the one in front of him, which meant…


Sunggyu almost believed his desperate thoughts, but his demons shook them off for him.



‘She’s not the real Eunji. Remember, she hates you and will be be more than happy to hear about your death. This is your imagination, like always.’ 



But it wasn’t. Eunji had run there like crazy after finding the picture. It was a wild guess but she was desperate to find him before he does anything stupid. And when she saw him by the fountain she almost sighed in relief, if it wasn’t for the gun directed to his temple. She needed to stop him at all costs. 

Eunji took another step toward him but he stepped back.



“Stay away from me.” he gritted.



She panicked. “Sunggyu, please lower the gun. Please!”  


“Why? Isn’t this what you want? For me to die? You’ve been dragging me there for years!” He yelled back, anger and hatred lacing his voice. 


His words were directed to both Eunji’s that his mind has created. The dead one that wanted him to join her and the living one who wanted to get rid of him. 
 

Oblivious of the fact that Sunggyu was going through an episode, Eunji let the words sink in her heart and mind and affect her. But she didn’t blame him even when thinking that he really meant them. She knew that she was at fault and had unconsciously brought him down. But her hurt feelings could wait longer.



“I know that I had hurt you a lot and I know that an apology won’t fix anything. But please, Sunggyu, lower the gun. Don’t do this to yourself. Please, I’m begging you.” 



“I know that my existence was a mistake from the very beginning. I was the one who had made you go through hell. I was the one who had erased your memory. I was the one who had sent you away. I was the one who had done this to you and to myself and to everyone around us. So now, I’m just doing what you want me to do!” Sunggyu’s hand gripped harder on the handle of the gun, pressing it deeper against his temple and Eunji’s panic doubled.




“NO SUNGGYU! That’s not what I want! That has never been what I wanted! I know that I had refused to acknowledge my feelings for you for so long. It was scary, how much messed up my heart got at your mere presence. And all the signs, how familiar you looked, your voice, your eyes, your touch, your everything. Even if my brain had forgot you, my body and heart never did.” she smiled bitterly, but Sunggyu’s wide eyes and dropping hand encouraged her to take a few steps closer and continue talking. 



“Even without my memories, I know that in the darkest days you stood by me, never left my side. Maybe you had erased my memory, but what I have in here.” she put her hand over where her heart beating erratically. “It never disappeared. All these years, I’ve been yearning for you. My life was incomplete, a piece of me missing.” she was now only two feet apart from him, and good thing he was too concentrated on her words that he didn’t back away.



“It took me a lot of time to accept it, but now I know, that piece is you. And now that I found you, I’m not letting you slip from my hands. Never. I love you Kim Sunggyu so don’t you dare say that your existence was a mistake because you are my everything!!” 



The hand that was holding the gun was hanging by his side, his expression a mix of shock and utter relief, so Eunji took the chance to reach for him. But before she get to his hand, he flinched away, but not out of reach.


“You’re just another illusion. aren’t you?” he gritted, making Eunji finally realize his state.



“No Sunggyu, I’m not. It’s really m-”



“That’s what you say every time! EVERY SINGLE TIME! But when I reach for you, there’s nothing, just air! It’s an endless cycle of disappointments and I’m not falling for it again.”  



Sunggyu looked determined and defensive, yet the desperation and the fear were prominent, and Eunji saw them.



“I’m willing to come with you, so stop interrupting me and let me do it cleanely.” 



He lifted the gun again, but before it comes anyway higher than his waist, Eunji reacted.


Maybe talking wasn’t going to solve anything, since Sunggyu will think that it’s all his imagination, so maybe something else would do it.




It took Sunggyu’s fogged mind a few seconds to realize what was happening, but it was a real pair of soft lips planted on his. A very familiar pair of lips that he’s been longing for for years. There was no rush or forcefulness, just lips pressed against lips.

Even though his mind started to clear a little, the confusion was like a wall between him and his sanity and at some point, it got him. He was teared between believing and denying. It felt like a sweet dream but he feared the disappointment. 
An apology, a confession and a kiss. It was all that he had ever wished for, yet he couldn’t believe that it was happening for him all at once. He was afraid of drowning in that lie. 


Eunji was pushed away harshly and it confused her a lot, but then she noticed it. Sunggyu was crying, body trembling and harsh pants coming out of his lips. 
The mixture of emotions in his eyes tied her tongue, a question stuck in . There was confusion, sadness, relief, exhaustion, longing and even anger. 



“S-sunggyu...” 



She gulped, trying to find what to say next without trigging him. But as if the call of his name was enough, the gun was up again and the trigger was pulled. 



  


 -







One Year Later




Walking back and forth, stopping from time to time to check his appearance in the mirror, Dongwoo was extra nervous.



It was the big day.



“Is our groom ready?” a head peeked form the door, a widely smiling Sungjong walked in. 


He too was wearing a stylish black suit, his hair newly dyed caramel brown. 



“WOW HYUNG!! You look extra handsome!” he raised two thumbs up.



“You think?” Dongwoo turned to the mirror, searching for any crease in his tuxedo or a stray hair strand. 



“Are you nervous?” Sungjong asked, noticing the troubled look on the eldest friend.


“Something is missing.” the answer was followed by a deep sigh. “Or more like someone.”



His glassy eyes were more than enough for Sungjong to understand his friend’s concern.



“He would’ve been very proud of you, hyung.” he said, placing a comforting hand on Dongwoo’s shoulder. “I know that none of us can replace him, but we’re all your family now. And we’re all here for you today.”   



A wide sincere smile broke on Dongwoo’s face. “Thank you Sungjong.” 





-




It was the perfect day for a beach wedding. The sun wasn’t burning hot, nor was it too cold with a lot of wind. Just a soft breeze with shy sun rays. 
The number of guests was very limited, only the closest of friends and family members were invited. And even though most of them were celebrities, no intruders had showed up, mainly because the date and location were kept a secret from the public and will only be announced a week or so later.


All the eyes were focused on the happy couple as they recited their vows. Dongwoo was extremely enchanted by the beauty of Ailee in her white gown that he stuttered a lot and ended up dropping the ring, causing a bit of laughter. 


Eunji was the made of honor, dressed in a baby pink dress, matching the decorating roses. She looked briefly to the two front rows, smiling at her friends’ reactions to the cute couple.  
Myungsoo was dearly side-hugging Krystal to him. Bora and Sungyeol were holding their hands tightly together, letting their engagement rings brush. Hoya had a look of ‘what did you get yourself into’ while Woohyun looked envious but happy for his cousin anyways. 


Her parents and grandma were sitting at the second row alongside with Mr Jung and many other family friends. 
Her expression fell at the though of the missing person. She knew how much Dongwoo would’ve loved for that person to be there, sitting in the front row and encouraging him. Unfortunately, he was no longer part of their world. At least Dongwoo had another family member by his side on his big day.


Her eyes then traveled to the man standing slightly behind the groom and smiled unconsciously. She had fond difficulty in getting her eyes off of him since the beginning of the ceremony. 

He was clad in a black tux with his black hair styled up. He looked effortlessly handsome. She couldn’t yet believe he was her boyfriend, nor that they were back together. 

A year had passed already since that night, still it felt too surreal to have him by her side when he was that close to death.





-





A year ago



Eunji didn’t want to open her eyes. She had a reason to close them in the first place. She didn’t want to see Sunggyu’s face when he had the gun pointed in her direction. He was obviously going through an episode. She finally understood that he wasn’t his real self. 

Even if he was to shoot her, even he was to kill her, she didn’t want to see his face. She didn’t want to see this Sunggyu, the one she had created. The pure smiling Sunggyu of their past was what she wanted to keep in her mind if she was to die at that moment. 

The sound of two gunshots echoed in the open space, but no bullet pierced her body and no pain shot within it. Sunggyu’s didn’t shoot her. Did that mean that he had shot himself? 

The fear she had felt seconds ago at the thought of Sunggyu shooting her was incomparable to the fear she was feeling at that moment. She didn’t want to open her eyes. How she wished it was all a dream, but it wasn’t.
She registered the sound of the gun falling to her feet in the background of the sound of the shattering of her heart. 



Suddenly, she was pulled in a warm chest and two arms encircled around her. Only then did she dare to open her eyes. She still couldn’t process what was happening. One thing for sure is that Sunggyu was crying, just like her.


“It’s over. You’re safe now.” he whimpered between two sobs.  “We’re safe now.”


His words didn’t help Eunji’s confusion, but she didn’t have the heart to ask or push him away. Only god know how much she missed that hold, that scent and that feeling of completeness. She just pushed herself further in his chest and tightned her hold on him. She didn't want to let go.


Soon enough, police cars and an ambulance flooded the dark park. Only then did they broke the hug. Eunji looked in confusion as officers rushed to one side of the park, two unmoving bodies on the ground. 


She needn’t to be near them to recognize the body with the revolver. 


It was Kim Miseok.





-




Sunggyu was too agitated after that incident. He needed days to calm down and to sort his thoughts out. 

First, he needed to accept that he had killed two people, one of them being his mother and the other Dr Kim, the one who had tortured him once.

Second, he needed to believe that what Eunji had said then was all sincere, not  just an attempt to save him from killing himself. 

Days and weeks with Eunji by his side finally did convince him that it was all real.  The two of them were cautious with their relationship at the beginning. Sunggyu was still mentally unstable and had a lot of doubts, while Eunji was feeling too guilty. 
The fear of losing each other was what made them take bolder steps towards each other. They found the comfort they were searching for and their lives had became suddenly complete.

Hand in hand, taking baby steps, they had rebuilt their relationship and lives. 

As expected, loving and encouraging words worked like magic on Sunggyu and made him regain his self-confidence little by little. The next step was harder, but with the obvious improving in his mental health, holding a mike again and singing in front of people was no longer a faraway dream. And as expected, even after years of being unused, Sunggyu was still an outstanding singer. 

Eunji had a one-year-delayed successful debut while Sunggyu was finally getting ready to reveal his identity to his fans. 


It was an unexpected surprise, an out of nowhere teaser followed by a music video. A couple helping their baby while he took his first steps, teenage girls helping a bullied classmate, two guys helping an elderly with his heavy bags,  a middle aged woman helping a blind  mann cross the street, and finally, Sungyeol and Myungsoo extending their hands to help someone stand up. It was Sunggyu. 

The fans went crazy when the lights shone on him as he sang his very first verse on the showcase. He gained a lot of attention and many questions were asked. The curiousness was killing the fans and public.
Sunggyu tried to be as honest as possible with his fans, even telling them about his mental state, and fortunately, they accepted it with open heart. Some details were better kept a secret though. No one needed to know the fact that his mother was the nation’s biggest enemy and that he had killed her.

The media had found out about his relationship with Eunji not long after, not that they had tried to hide it anyways. They didn’t want to waste the little time they had out of their busy schedules hiding from reporters. 

They liked going around on dates whenever they had the chance, as a way to compensate for the years they spent away from each other. 

It was a new beginning. 









-







Few years later
 


It was a beautiful night. The sky filled with billions of shining stars with all sizes and different shines. It was quiet as well. Not a deadly quiet, but a beautiful silence. The sound leaves of the trees dancing in the night breeze, the continuous squeaking of the swing and the soft humming were lolling Eunji to sleep. The tender hand playing with her hair and the soft thigh under her head didn’t help neither. It was all too relaxing. 

Her eyes had almost closed when it all came to a halt. No more squeaking or humming and the hand left her hair. 
She looked up, raising an eyebrow when she found out that Sunggyu didn’t actually fall asleep. 



“Aren’t you going to tell me about it?” she asked in concern.


He smiled down at her. It was genuine, but wary. And Eunji’s concern doubled. She hated days like this.


The depression, the hallucination, the self-harm and the memory distrust disorder may be a part of the far past, but sometimes, once in many months, Sunggyu gets a bad day when he lets himself get consumed by his thoughts. Stress and nightmares were the biggest factors.

It’s been years, and now she could sense all of his mood swings with no difficulties. She didn’t have a problem with chasing his worries away either. She’d do anything to make him regain his happy self and confidence, but getting him to talk about his worries in the first place had always been the challenging part for her.

That’s why they had built this house. Somewhere out of the city, a quiet town, a friendly neighborhood. A cozy house decorated by them, its corners filled with their special memories. A house surrounded with a beautiful garden, perfect for BBQ parties or for quiet night talks.

It was Eunji’s idea for their safe heaven and Sunggyu loved it. It was easier for him to open up about his thoughts there. That’s why she ended up dragging him there that day, in the middle of a busy week. Sunggyu’s been down for days and she couldn’t get him to talk yet. 

“It’s not that worth it.” his reply came after a prolonged silence. “It’s really trivial.” he added when she glared at him.


He knew that he can’t hide anything from her as well. He had promised to share all his concerns with her and it had helped him in many aspects.


“Kim Sunggyu! Don’t you ever say that your thoughts are unworthy talking about! I want to hear all of them, up to the tiniest one, so you better speak now!” 


There was nothing as dangerous as an angry Eunji so he just sighed in defeat.  “I had a nightmare last week, and it’s been repeating for days.” 


Eunji’s hand sneaked into his, squeezing it in comfort. She know how bad his nightmares can be. She’s always there when he have them and it takes her a lot of time to calm him down.  He’s been sleeping at the studio for the last week though, because of his comeback preparations, so she couldn’t be by his side when he had them. 


“It’s the most peaceful nightmare I’ve ever had, no blood, no screams, no vicious laughs, nothing. But it was too lonely, too scary. An alternate universe where each one of us had his own peaceful life. A universe where we don’t cross roads, we don’t fall in love, nothing.”


Eunji wanted to ask more about the nightmare, but Sunggyu was obviously too reluctant to get into details, so she let it go and kept waiting for him to continue. 



“It made me think, what if we weren’t exchanged at birth, what if we actually never crossed roads. Your life would’ve been much more better, no danger, no pain, no tragedies. Just a peaceful happy life. It made me think, maybe that kind of life can be a dream for you. Maybe that’s what yo-”



He stopped mid-sentence when he felt Eunji bury her face in his stomach and felt her whole body shake.  




“Kim Sunggyu don’t you dare finish that sentence!” 



The sobs that followed afterwards broke his heart. He had promised to never make her cry again but he seem to fail every time. That’s why he had refused to tell her at first. He knew she’d react that way. 



“I’m sorry.” he whispered as he kept brushing her hair to calm her down. 



It took a few minutes for the crying to stop. Quietly, Eunji sat up facing Sunggyu, eyes red and breath uneven. 



“A happy life? Of course I want that! But do you think a life without you will be happy? Do you think I can even love someone else as much as I love you? Why can’t you appreciate yourself?!” 


Guilt flooded Sunggyu’s chest. How could he even suspect her feelings for him? She’s been showering him with infinity love for years and never gave up on him no matter how hopeless he was. Even when he had pushed her away, even when he denied his love for her, she never left his side. He’d felt that he had healed on the expense of her happiness but she’d smile ever so sincerely and say that as long as he was happy she was happy.  



“It may had been a long harsh way, and it was tiring at times, but you made it all worth it. What we have right now, with its ups and downs, is my definition of a happy life.” she emphasized.
 


The loving expression on Sunggyu’s face was a sign that she had succeeded once again over his thoughts. Whispering another apology, he kissed her forehead then hugged her. 


“Stop apologizing.” she ordered. “You need to tell me about your insecurities so I can kick them away.” 


Sunggyu whispered a ‘thank you’ before dropping another kiss on her temple. 


“I love you.” he added before tightening his hold on her, wishing for the remaining memories of that nightmare to vanish, just like his previous ones. 



He didn’t want to get into the details with Eunji for a reason. It felt so real, the details, the images, the emotions, everything, making it worse for him. He had always wondered what hell was like, and that nightmare was the reply.




There was an older version of him, obviously had been raised since birth by his biological father and had no contact with his mother. A businessman, just like his father, serious and cold. No friends, no lover, no affection, no passion, nothing at all. A workaholic who only cared about deals and higher profits. 
He was either too busy to even notice that he was lonely or loneliness was the only thing that stuck to him since birth. He had a step brother but never bothered to get to know him. 

It was at the airport when they crossed roads. He was in hurry, she as well. They ended up crashing in each other. In any other situation, that Sunggyu would’ve ignored the woman on her knees collecting her scattered belongings, but for some reason he crouched to help her.
He caught the name ‘Kim Eunji’ on a card. She was a surgeon. She took the papers he had collected, smiling politely at him and thanking him before dashing away. 
That Sunggyu was too void of emotions for too long to notice the loneliness and sadness in the woman’s expression. 

It was the first and last time he had seen ‘Kim Eunji’. Each one of them having their separate lives. One thing for sure, none of them had a happy life. 
Sunggyu probably ended up having an arranged marriage with a woman he’ll never love, that if he actually decided to marry.

He was miserable in all aspects. He realized it when he was somewhere over forty and ended up committing suicide. An image of an article about his death on a newspapers had appeared in one of the latest nightmares. 




Eunji didn’t need to know about that. She had always believed that dreams are highly influenced by the person’s thoughts. She’d end up thinking that suicidal Sunggyu was back, but Sunggyu was happy, he was sure of it. His life had never been that complete. He had loving parents, even if they weren’t his biologic parents. He had the best friends in the world and the most caring brother as well. And he had the love of his life by his side as well, reciprocating all his feelings, making him feel like the luckiest man on earth.





Sunggyu broke the hug when he felt a tiny pressure against his belly.



“Did she just...” 



Eunji rested her hand over her baby bump. “She’s been very active lately. She kicks very well too. But I’m pretty sure that kick was for you.”



Sunggyu’s hands joined hers, sensing the movement of their baby. He always finds it magical and had spend hours talking and singing to her. 



“It’s probably her way of saying I love you.” he defended himself. “I love you too baby girl.” he lowered his head, directing his words to Eunji’s bump. 



“Or she was complaining about you suffocating her with your hug.” Eunji retorted.

“It’s probably the amount of food you down every day is what’s suffocating her. After all you look more bloated that last week.” 

“Says the one who have the belly as big as mine when I was 4 months pregnant.”

"Two months" he corrected.

"Still a fatass."

“My fans find it y.”

“y my .”

"You're just jealous because I'm having  a comeback."

"Like I care about your comeback! You didn't even let me hear your new songs!"

"So bitter."

"What did you say?"

................

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~THE END~

(See next page for AN )