TW: some of the words and actions in the flashback contain derogatory/sensitive meanings and are against the lgbt+,... to explain why, spoiler(kinda???): just a bunch of ignroance kids in the flashback,,,

i never mean to offend any of you readers. it is soley for the storyline, that i the author, sympathize with. it was honestly so hard to write for some reason *sigh*....

but love is love y'all, never forget ❤️ ty and enjoy!

When the memories flooded Doyoung’s head, he couldn’t stop himself from overthinking everything. If he had just done one thing different, maybe things wouldn’t had gone so south. If, for example, he had never fallen for Jaehyun, maybe there wouldn’t have been anything to be ashamed of years ago. But Doyoung knew just as much as he thought about it – that no matter how much he tried to change the past – the past is that past. What was done was done. He could think as hard and often as he could, but nothing would change. Perhaps, his feelings though.

“Do you remember that day?” Doyoung suddenly asked Jaehyun as they walked down a vacant hallway.

“What day?” Jaehyun asked, curious yet afraid.

“That day. The day you betrayed me,” Doyoung stopped walking at that point – he couldn’t help but get so disgustingly emotional speaking about it.

Jaehyun stopped on his track as well, hesitant to look at the other, replying with his back facing the elder, “Yeah, I still do.”

Doyoung stared at Jaehyun’s back – his eyes boring knives into it – he couldn’t understand how Jaehyun didn’t have the nerve to look him in the face. It was a punch in the throat. He wanted to see how much Jaehyun broke down. He wanted to see if even after all these years, was it true at all that Jaehyun was broken worse than he felt.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Doyoung straightly asks the other, “Look at me when I’m speaking to you.”

“I can’t,” Jaehyun whimpers out, “I… I’m still afraid, Doyoung.”

Doyoung walks over to Jaehyun and grips his arm, swinging him around. He glares at the other, “You hurt me – and yourself years ago – yet didn’t take anything from it?”

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun can’t help but let his voice get choked up and eyes be on the verge of spilling. He was afraid this would make Doyoung leave again, but he noticed how the other stood still, never making an effort to worry the other. He just wanted to talk, and Jaehyun knew eventually this conversation would come up. Whether he was comfortable with it or not, he had to talk.

“… I never meant to hurt you. I shouldn’t have told everyone when you weren’t ready. I –“

“I didn’t hate you because you outed me to everyone. I hate you because you avoided me afterwards. You could’ve declared it on live television for all I care – but I will never understand why you left me afterwards. And you know what makes it worse? You couldn’t even accept yourself.”

Jaehyun bit his lip to hold his tears away – as he thought back to that very day. They were both in class, himself ignorant to all the whispers and side glances to realize they were talking about them. He remembers sitting in his seat doodling in his notebook – thinking of Doyoung and the next time he’ll kiss him – when he was approached by a classmate, whose face he’s forgotten in his memory.

“Jaehyun!” The boy smacked his lips and pointed his sausage fingers at him with an evil chuckle, “Are you some some gay weirdo?!”

Jaehyun’s subtle smile because of his daydreams dropped the moment the words processed in his head and he looked up. It was a group of boys all on the basketball team. They’ve been trying to recruit Jaehyun to join the team, and even offered him to hang out with them. Jaehyun couldn’t deny himself, he was excited at the time for the look of new friends. But looking back, they were just a bunch of wanna-be punk kids with no sense of mannerisms, who were glaring down at the younger as if he had committed the worst form of treason.

Jaehyun sat up from his seat, taking a deep gulp before answering, “What are you talking about?”

“So-and-so told us she caught you smoochin up some other dude!”

“Yeah – I can’t believe we let you change around us!”

“I knew it wasn’t just my eyes lying to me – he WAS staring!”

There words kept spilling out their mouths with no remorse. The more that came out – the more helpless he became. He was almost on the verge of tears and running out. As his foot stepped away from the desk, Doyoung simultaneously sat up from across the room. Before Doyoung could let out a single intellectual syllable though, Jaehyun shouted.

“I’m NOT gay!”

The group of kids start laughing hysterically – catching their bug in a trap like they hoped to – and started throwing ignorant insults at the other. He couldn’t remember specifically what they were, but he could never forget how much it hurt, and the realization of how ignorant kids could be. Jaehyun frantically tried to reason but he only got drained out by the sound of the other’s voices the more he spoke somehow.

“You shouldn’t be allowed in the locker rooms, you ert!”

“Leave him alone!” Doyoung finally shouted at them, walking over to defend his best friend – and lover – who was almost on the verge of sobbing like a madman.

“What’s it to you guys?” Doyoung snapped at them.

The group of boys silenced down, intimidated by the intellectual star that was Kim Dongyoung – the kid who was quiet yet intimidating – and began to back away. But then a girl approached them and pointed at Doyoung, “That’s the kid who threw himself at Jaehyun!”

Doyoung opened his mouth to speak but suddenly became deaf when Jaehyun spoke.

“Y-y-yeah!” Jaehyun shouted, “H-He just attacked me! He tried to force himself on me like a savage – I had no idea he was gay!”

“Jaehyun – “

“Dongyoung is gay???” Kids begin to question.

Jaehyun nodded as he stepped away from Doyoung, “Apparently so.”

“Jaehyun?” Doyoung whimpered to the other – feeling the eyes on him like needles prickling his skin repeatedly all over his body, whispers travelling across the room and out of it, and the sudden darkening of his heart as he stared more at Jaehyun, the feeling of love lost with the feeling of despise.

“And you’re still going to hang out with that ?” The boys cringe as they look at Doyoung, snickering at the poor look on the victim’s face.

Doyoung’s eyes plead for Jaehyun. He hoped his best friend could miraculously get courage to stay, but he sees his foot take a step back and his hands reaching over to his belongings. He wanted to yell at the other – ask him how he could do this to him – but his mind was blank. All he felt was the sensation of his throat choking up and his chest weighing down on him.

“Come on bro,” One of the strangers tempt Jaehyun, “Let’s leave this weirdo.”

“Jaehyun?” Doyoung pleads for the last time, “Are you serious now?”

“G-Get away from me…” Jaehyun walks farther away from Doyoung and over to the group of boys who invite him over to him.

“You ing knew I wasn’t ready,” Doyoung whispers just loud enough for the other to hear.

The room starts laughing at the crying boy – who feels exposed, as if he was standing in nothing but his underwear, a bucket of icy cold water dumped over his head following a pound of flour and eggs – and acting irrationally, with all the rage building up and finally overflowing, reaches for the nearest thing in his hand to throw it at Jaehyun.

Without a flinch of remorse or worry, Doyoung grabs his flute case and flings it right into the middle of Jaehyun’s chest – and when impact hits right in the center, he swears he can hear the hollowness of his ex-lover’s chest, and storms out the room before they do. He doesn’t bother grabbing his stuff or even take a look to see how Jaehyun felt. He doesn’t bother to do anything anymore but weep. He weeps until his chest aches and feels like it’s about to concave in – for reasons that were getting lost in his head.

He lost a best friend. He lost his lover. He lost his safe haven.

All Jaehyun could think of was how terrible he was, and Doyoung could only think how terrible he felt as well. Doyoung never walked the same hallways the same way again. He never spoke like he used to. He never looked at someone in the eye, or try to understand others. He heard the words of true scums being raised into society. But he also realized the sting of betrayal – nothing ever to be the equivalent of the pain and loneliness he felt after that.

The disruptive sound of the lunch bell rings in both their ears but neither of them have any reaction to it. They simply stand across from each other, staring at each other’s feet – the lack of communication deafening when the early birds start entering the building and rush to their class.

Without a murmur or sound, Doyoung steps closer to Jaehyun. Jaehyun doesn’t have the audacity still to look at the other, but his arms bring Doyoung closer to his chest. Doyoung wraps his arms around Jaehyun as well and holds him tight – for a moment, he regrets it. But he knows it’ll be pointless to, his feet led him into Jaehyun’s arms with a purpose. Just like years before – one thing hasn’t changed – no matter how much Jaehyun beats him mentally, he’d always find himself cradled into his chest, with the hollowness of his stomach filling in with the utmost warmth, that his younger self couldn’t understand.

“I’m afraid, too.”

“Yuta?”

“PSSST.”

“Mr. Nakamoto?”

“You ing idiot, wake up!”

Yuta flinches when he feels a pinch on his groin and sits up from slouching on his chair – glancing around to see he’s in his seat for fifth period. He didn’t even remember how he got here. In fact, he couldn’t remember much from the entire day. He didn’t realize he’s been a pissy baby the entire day – nor did he mind it. It was exactly how he was feeling, and it wasn’t getting any better. He couldn’t even fake a smile or pay attention to a lesson – he wasn’t even too sure why his groin still hurt and why everyone’s eyes were on him.

“Mr. Nakamoto Yuta?” His teacher repeated.

“Yeah?” Yuta mumbled, fixing himself.

“I called your name six times, but you didn’t respond. If you aren’t going to pay attention to the lessons, why bother coming?”

Yuta couldn’t help but sigh. Shrugging his shoulder was the best response he could give the old guy. He sure as hell wasn’t going to apologize either – his teacher couldn’t take away his freedom to be upset.

The teacher glared at the new delinquent in his class – astonishingly Yuta, his A+ student, but simply shrugged it off. He didn’t bother repeating his question or push the student any more than he had to for his job. However, Johnny was still curious as to why his friend was down as he is.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“None of your ing business, Jaehyun.” Yuta growled as his head fell and eyes shut.

“First the of all, I’m not Jaehyun,” Johnny snaps at the other, “And secondly, it is my business, as a best friend.”

“It’s nothing, you fat – “

Just as the teacher turned back around from the whiteboard to yell at Yuta’s profanity, the door opened and it was a counsellor. She had several envelopes in hand and excused herself as she handed them out. When she handed one to Johnny and Yuta, they both knew something was wrong. Despite the teacher saying to hold back from opening it until after class, Johnny still tore it up and read it.

“I’m in danger of failing???” Johnny murmured to himself – pretending to be surprised – then glancing over to the same letter of Yuta’s.

Without any fear, Johnny reached over to his seat partner’s desk and snatched his envelope. Yuta reacted the quickest he had all day, but it was still too slow for Johnny’s pace.

“You’re in danger of failing three classes?” Johnny gasped.

“Give it back, stupid !” Yuta snapped as he smacked it out of Johnny’s hands and looked at it himself.

“Yuta, go outside!” The teacher yelled back at the disruptive student.

The Japanese boy had no hesitation in stepping outside. In fact, the boy almost skipped out of class it seemed, and when he made it outside, he started shredding the paper into tiny strands. He couldn’t imagine what his mother would say if she got a hold of it – it’ll be imprisonment in his room for the rest of his high school career. He walked over to a trash can, where he saw a gigantic pastel pink drawing board with bold, funky letters spelling out “Homecoming?” across it, with popped balloons all around the trash can. He chuckles for the first time for the day, because he was a cynical bastard and got the satisfaction of thinking how devastated the person must’ve felt being rejected. Then he frowns – when he realizes that person felt the same as he did.

He can’t stand the poster anymore and starts shoving it deeper into the trash can along with the paper shreds. But just as he does, two tickets emerge from the bottom somewhere in the trash can – almost completely brand new aside from the obvious crinkles of frustration after being rejected and losing money – and takes them into his hands.

“Maybe…” Yuta whispers to himself as he glances down the halls to see he’s completely alone, “If I ask him, things will be okay.”

A smile spreads across his face and he lets out a “manly” yelp, clapping to himself with this genius coincidence. All he had to was go back to being a beggar until Hansol said yes – then he can make it all up and –

“This attitude doesn’t have anything to do with the dare, right?”

Yuta turned around to see Johnny – who has the look as if he was kicked out of class too, and his smile falls. He shakes his head uneasily as he hides his hands behind his back, shoving the tickets into his pocket, “That dare?”

“Yeah, you seem to be really obsessed with it still.”

“I’m a man of my words,” Yuta incoherently lies to Johnny and himself. He knew well now that he wasn’t a man of any words, really.

“Come on Yuta,” Johnny shrugs, “The only people who still think of the dare are those irrelevant people who were playing with us. The dare isn’t really ethical, either.”

“Johnny,” Yuta bitterly bites back at the other, “Are you looking down on me? I said I’ll do it, and I will. I’ll prove you wrong.”

“Yuta – it isn’t about that!” Johnny groans, “You’re the only person putting yourself down! Who ing cares if you’re a squeaky-clean ? The only person that seems to legitimately care is YOU.”

“Just shut up, Johnny!” Yuta snaps, “What the do you know? You can’t even admit to yourself that you like Taeil!”

Johnny’s tongue gets caught in a knot – and for a moment, Yuta feels victory until he catches a body rush across the hall to try to get unnoticed. He can hardly recognize the person – but it has to be somebody he knows because of the sense of familiarity.

“Taeil… Is just a friend.”

“If that helps you sleep at night,” Yuta mumbles, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Yuta, I’m not trying to fight. I’m just generally concerned for you, alright? We can bring up whatever irrelevancy into the conversation but it won’t get us anywhere now. I just wanna know what’s been acting up with you – all of us, really.”

“Stress,” Yuta says, “It’s just stress.”

“Stress?” Johnny rolls his eyes, “No ing , everyone at this school has ing stress. But they don’t act like a because of it.”

“Johnny,” Yuta sighs to keep himself calm, “Before you come at me about my problems – figure out yours’ alright?”

Just as he finishes saying that, he walks past Johnny and doesn’t care enough to look back at his friend calling out to him. Or was it his teacher? He couldn’t tell the difference when they were both saying the same things.

“I ing hate this,” Yuta whispers to himself, “I ing hate what he does to me.”

“So you’re saying… My son’s been ditching?”

“Yes, ma’am. A student brought it up to the higher-ups when he noticed Yuta hasn’t