Chapter 25: Revealed

I didn’t expect him right in front of my place when he texted me. Jongin looked so different compared to few days ago when we met at our university, reminiscing old times. He seemed like he aged a few years older, exhaustion was written on his face although he tried so hard to look like usual.

He was hanging in there, like me.

“Just thought you might need a booze.” I handed him a can of beer I took from upstairs which I was sure it was Sehun’s since I didn’t remember buying any and stock it up inside the fridge. I’ll just have to pay him later – only if he did realize – to shut him up.

“Oh, that’s thoughtful.” Jongin wryly chuckled. “I brought chocolate, just in case.” I laughed at his awkwardness when he took out two chocolate bars from his jacket.

“In case what?”

“In case you might not want to come down.”

That sounded weirdly familiar and I started chuckled unconsciously because I was reminded of Baekhyun. I missed those times when he dropped by just to see me because he missed me and we always ended up chatting whole night. And I missed my favourite caramel toffee ice cream.

I smiled softly as I took his offer. “Thanks. Just what I want at the moment.” I jumped a step lower before I plopped myself down, a clear sign inviting him to sit with me. I ripped the wrap off the chocolate bar and indulge the taste but I found it hard to chew when a certain memory made me choked.

The chocolate was good but I wasn’t. Nevertheless, I did a good job enough to keep myself composed. “I heard. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

He made up a smile at me, enough saying that he was trying to be fine.

“It must have been hard on you.”

“Sure, but I think it couldn’t compare to how Yerin was feeling.”

“I understand. I mean, I’m not a mother but I think I could get the pain. She must have felt empty since she was the closest to it. Because she couldn’t protect it. It wasn’t her fault, Jongin.”

“It wasn’t.” He convinced. “Things happened all the time. We couldn’t expect it except to ease ourselves by being cautious but if it meant to be that way, it would be that way. The baby was unexpected too, but it was never unwanted. I know how much it meant to her. I know she did her best in protecting it.”

“We thought it was a sign. A sign, maybe for us to mature up and work things out correctly between us. I feel so bad to her, because we shouldn’t have gotten married that fast. I couldn’t be a good partner for her and it was so hard, I wanted to give up because I can’t give my best to her.”

“Don’t judge yourself like that.”

“It’s true. It was hasty of me. I’ve never think it thoroughly and I’ve never question was she really the one that I love or I see myself with in the future? Because the attractions I felt for her, I thought that was love. We fought all the time, we had a lot of disagreement and I hate bickering, and I know it was a move of me every time I don’t want to face it, I push myself away from her. But every time when we make up, I do think I love her.”

“You think? Don’t you feel it?”

“I don’t know.” He gulped a few chug down to his throat like it would help easing the anxiousness in his heart. “It’s getting harder now. She’s having a crazy emotional ride and I barely could keep up with it. I understand it was hard for her but it became too hard on me too. The baby was part of me too. I need someone to listen to me too rather than having it all vents out on me.”

I had nothing else to say than muttering ‘I’m sorry.’ to him when I saw him in such predicament. I realized the dark under his eyes and the sorrow washed over his face. His eyes were full of grief and pain that he held it in because nobody seemed to be listening to his hardships he went through.

“You can tell me.”

He smiled bitterly at my words. “As expected, you would always be different than everybody else.”

“Well, that’s the best I can do. I’m never good with my words but I could be the ears for you to let everything out. I see life is somewhat a cycle, you know and the thought of it sometimes scares me. When you were down and when you feel everything was dark, there is hope somewhere near the end. It was comforting right when you think of it?” I gave a cheeky look to him before continuing “Because you think, the rewards I’ll receive will be as great as the pain I’m enduring. It keeps you living with that small hope you want to believe on.”

“Was it true? It might be a small hope that glint through the darkness but it’s not exactly a lie. But when you were at the top of cycle, it made you scared of being too happy because the risk of falling down is really high. But you can’t stop it from happening. They were no happily ever after endings because life didn’t work that way. All you have to do is learn from it because what makes it most painful was the exact same pain you had to endure twice.” And that latter was kind of more to myself. “Don’t do regretful thing, Jongin. Don’t do things that might bring you to look back. Give it some time. Give it a shot.”

“You might not have realized but there could be a reason deep within that makes you think she was the one.”

I stood up and stretched my body up. “I wasn’t in any better shape and here I am, talking to make you feel better.”

“That’s the thing about you.” He commented and he followed in suit, towering over me. “If someone had told me that earlier, we might not end up this way.”

My face fell at his confession. “What we have between us is something I would cherish the most. It is always something that brings a smile to my face. I didn’t regret chasing you around to get to know you. I mostly didn’t regret I made Kyungsoo and Jinae got together because I begged him to help me to win you over. I am the one who ruined it. I ruined us. And I left without any explanation when you deserve to know that I’m actually the one with most flaws, I’m so sorry, Hana.”

“I swear to God, that I have loved you for all the time I’ve been with you.”

He didn’t literally left me without letting me know. We had an almost clean break up. He asked for a break and I granted his wish. He asked to be a friend and I granted his wish. I didn’t object nor was I asking for explanation. There were a lot girls I knew who broke up because feelings faded and his feelings faded so in what rights did I deserve to hear an explanation that even he couldn’t found himself knowing?

“I’ve loved you so much.” I found my tears fell, listening to that. I didn’t know for what the reason was but maybe for the fact I have been hurting so much for misjudging myself. His thumb gently wiped the tears from staining m