tw: homophobia. (it's spoken about but not actually in action) 

baekhyun had a habit of delving into his head. metaphorically, of course. 

he sat quietly in the mess of the sofa, cancelling out the clumsy clinking of chanyeol in the kitchen. he was making hot chocolate, and had insisted that it was 'better than the ones from that coffee shop,' which baekhyun highly doubted, but smiled nonetheless, poking fun at chanyeol's overexcited energy over hot chocolate. 

baekhyun's brain was fuzzy. now that the taller was in another room, he could still feel chanyeol's lips upon his own. his cheek still burned from where chanyeol had caressed it. his breath hitched at the mere thought of kissing him again. 

he felt so content, yet at the same time, a slither of fear wormed it's way into his utopia.

the looming feeling that something was about to happen hovered over baekhyun's shoulders. along with the thrill and excitement of sharing his first kisses with chanyeol, came a stomach-turning uneasiness that the smaller just couldn't shake off. why did he feel so afraid? to be frank, baekhyun didnt feel afraid. 

he felt unlike himself. an alien. 

these thoughts bothered the smaller so much that as chanyeol re-entered the room, with two frothing mugs of hot chocolate occupying each hand, he spoke up. 

"chanyeol?" 

his tone was empty. absent. this flip of nature caught the taller off guard, and he set down the mugs on the cup stained coffee table hastily and took a seat next to baekhyun, breathing a quick, "yeah?". 

"are you scared?" if it were in a different context, baekhyun wouldve smacked himself for sounding so strange. the smaller turned to face chanyeol, observing the way chanyeol's eyebrows knitted together, dopey eyes scanning his face like an eagle. 

"scared of what, baked bun?" the nickname was slipping back into chanyeol's dialogue, and baekhyun could not say he minded one bit. 

but at this question, baekhyun hesitated. his own eyebrows drew closer and he flickered his attention to his hands, twisting at the fraying hem of a cushion he had kept for way to many years. "scared of... this?" 

he made a small gesture with his fingers, brushing against chanyeol's perching knee and then to himself. he kept his eyes low.

"scared of," chanyeol began slowly, tiptoeing on eggshells. "scared of...us, byun?" 

baekhyun wondered if they were an 'us'. were they that far in their relationship. they weren't even in a relationship, baekhyun thought. did he want to be in a relationship with chanyeol? slightly. more than slightly, actuality. baekhyun didnt slightly want chanyeol to be his boyfriend, he really wanted chanyeol to be his boyfriend. but he had to play it safe. 

"yeah," baekhyun mumbled. "i guess," 

he could feel the air grow minutely colder, and hugged his arms around his torso, drawing his legs to his chest and finally locking eyes with chanyeol. 

"you know what?" chanyeol began, voice soft and slightly croaky. "i am. i'm not afraid of you, baekhyun. but i am scared." 

baekhyun stilled, watching him speak. 

"i think i've always been slightly afraid. i found out that i was gay when i was 14, byun. that's seven years ago. and i haven't told a single family member. i've only told those who are close enough to me. that's you and jongin, but of course the others are aware. ive never kissed a man before you. ive never kissed a woman before. ive always been so cautious with my uality that i never stopped to realise that there are people like me everywhere, but my eyes are shielded from them, because, 'being homoual is wrong' , and 'you know you'll let your family down if you date a man', and all of these things that have been drilled into my head from such an early age that i began to think like that, to convince myself that, no, i didnt find the boys at school more attractive than the girls. im scared, byun. ive been bottled up for so long about this and i don't want to alarm you, but im so afraid. i don't thi-"

baekhyun traced chanyeol's palm with his delicate fingers, the same gesture which chanyeol had done to him just hours prior. 

"chanyeol," baekhyun's voice cut through chanyeol's whisper of a sentence as the last tendrils of his words tumbled from his lips. "it's okay to be scared. im ing petrified. but... i think, i think maybe we can fight it.. god, i sound so cheesy. but maybe, we can overcome the fear, and be free from the burdens of it... and, we can be happy..." his voice hushed to a fairies' whisper as he uttered, "together," which chanyeol heard, and his chewed lips broke into a smile, akin to sunlight leeching through clouds, painting everything golden.

despite his own insecurities, baekhyun felt a protective instinct toward chanyeol, and in this state, so vulnerable and bare and open, the taller was all to easy to want more of. to yearn for. 

"i think that'd be nice," 

baekhyun smiled at chanyeol's response, urging himself to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach and the dull buzz that had become very cozy in his brain. this will be okay , baekhyun thought, aiming to drown out the negative ideas snaking into his mind. we're going to be okay.