just say the word 

and we'll disappear 

into the wilderness

•••

it was cold, grey, and rainy. 

chanyeol and baekhyun had spent the entire day before in eachothers company. yesterday it had been sunny. yesterday there was a timid, yet warming breeze that leaked through patchy areas in the walls. yesterday the sky was blue. 

yesterday baekhyun glowed. 

today, chanyeol lay silently in his single bed, toying with his fingers; his curtains were drawn and it was an abyss of an hour for people like himself: two pm. 

chanyeol felt hollow; something was missing that he hadn't been able to find in the past month. he needed more time, but it didn't feel right anymore, not after what baekhyun had told him. 

baekhyun wanted him. baekhyun missed him. baekhyun worried about him.

there was a soft knock at the door, followed by the turn of a handle and the elegant footsteps of kim jongin. 

"chanyeol!" jongin called to him, propping his guitar case against the wall, completely aware of where he was and what he was doing. "get up, dummy." 

"jongin?" 

chanyeol's voice surprised jongin. it was fragile. jongin appeared around the doorway of chanyeol's room. 

"chanyeol?" the younger responded with soothing familiarity. 

jongin was always good at comforting people, even if he didn't know what was wrong. he had a way with people. jongin was shy, yeah, but he would always look the person whom he conversated with in the eye. he was sympathetic at the right times, he was blunt and honest, too. 

chanyeol loved and appreciated jongin a lot, but never voiced it in obvious ways, and jongin understood. 

"i think i need to get away again," chanyeol had sat up by now; he looked absent, eyes glued to the wall behind jongin. 

jongin looked conflicted. he moved towards his best friend, and took a seat on his mattress. 

"what happened?" the dancer watched the musician process his thoughts before speaking them. 

"i dont know, i dont know if i even want to leave, jognog," their eyes met. "i feel sad. empty, you know?" 

jongin flickered his gaze to his feet then back to chanyeol's face. 

"something doesn't feel right. i've got great, amazing friendships forming, we're getting somewhere with our music, school's okay at the moment, but i just feel... i dont feel like me, i dont know what to do, jognog, the only solution i can think of is being alone," 

a comfortable silence muffled the room. white light yearned to bleach the room if it weren't for the drawn blinds, there were unwashed clothes strewn haphazardly on the floor, multiple musical instruments adorned any surface they could, along with books about space and the universe, which chanyeol had taken interest to years ago.

 "chanyeol," jongin whisper-mumbled. "if you want to get away, get away. but please, don't hide from what scares you." 

a trance stilled the taller, he listened intently to what his best friend had to say. jongin was wise for his years. 

after deciding that chanyeol was invested, jongin continued. "ive seen you quiver away from your fears by running away so often, chan. you're ruining yourself. you say that you want to begin something big. you talk of big things. you have dreams, chanyeol. but, once you formulate those dreams - once they actually seem feasible, you hide. you run away, chan. you.. you do that with people, too.." 

chanyeol's eyebrows knotted together, but he understood. 

"i'm sorry, nini," chanyeol's eyes glassed over slightly. 

for chanyeol, dealing with problems within himself, silent, bottled up, when somebody shows any form of consideration, it gets emotional. sometimes even asking a simple, "are you okay?" could break chanyeol. it all depended on his mental state that day. 

"don't apologise, chan," jongin enveloped his best friend in a bear hug, and the two stayed like that for a while, swaying gently side to side; jongin traced circles on chanyeol's upper back. 

••• 

a while later, the two detached from their embrace. 

"shower, you smell like ," jongin joked as he stood and floated on his ballet feet to the door. 

before he left the room, however, he swiveled, and sent chanyeol a reassuring smile. "you'll be okay, chan, everything's always okay in the end." 

and with that, he disappeared down the corridor, presumably to make himself some instant chicken ramen. 

chanyeol sat in silence for a moment, then sharply rose to his feet, unsteady and uncoordinated as he stumbled to the bathroom.  

the mirror greeted him first, he hunched over the sink, examining his face.  purple scars and scratched cheek were angry and blaring. the bags under his eyes were deep and grey, hollowing his features, making him appear gaut and exhausted, which, in all honesty, he was entirely. 

flicking the shower on, the young man absently stared himself down as his double gradually became shrouded by fog, before disappearing completely. chanyeol undressed, dumping his clothes on the floor before drowsily entering the shower cubicle. 

honey skin flushed red from the heat and steam, black hair was flattened against his forehead and his deep eyes fluttered shut, burning water pattering against his eyelids. 

a steady breath. 

the first the musician had experienced in weeks. 

and with the exhale of air, sadness, emptiness, worthlessness were momentarily exhaled too.

and chanyeol felt it. he felt the light enter his closed eyes, he felt a weight rise from his chest.  

another breath. 

chanyeol opened his eyes, shocked slightly from the brightness; he raised his head, so that the warm water hammered his face, stripping him of his tears, his sadness, coddling him in, wrapping him in fluffy blankets, kissing him on the forehead and sending him to bed with a hot chocolate. 

after all this time, chanyeol felt protected. 

he could hear jongin pottering around in the kitchen, baekhyun lived only two minutes away. chanyeol could see him all the time. baekhyun liked his company. the very thought made him flush, and this time it wasnt from the steam. 

but most of all, he could see his own hands. and that may sound odd, but after curling and uncurling his fingers into a fist and vice versa, a peculiar sense of grounding seized the young man. 

he was here. 

•••

chanyeol wrapped himself up in a fluffy hotel dressing gown (he had stolen it from a hotel a few years prior and 'forgot' where he got it from whenever anybody asked) and trudged out of the bathroom after approximately an hour of reassuring himself that he was worth carrying on. 

what the young man had not expected to see in his vulnerable state, was his friends having a mother's meeting in the living room, clutching cups of something jongin must have made, speaking in hushed voices. 

they all snapped their vision to a very cuddly looking chanyeol as he waddled in. 

chanyeol's cheeks were smacked red when he noticed baekhyun perching on his sofa, sipping from his mug, 

the older managed a feeble smile. 

"chan!" jongin stood and greeted chanyeol. 

chanyeol laughed quietly, but jongin could tell that his energy wasn't in it at all. 

"you okay?" jongin whispered, placing a hand on chanyeol's shoulder and observing his face. 

the taller tried to speak, but his voicebox betrayed him, so he simply nodded, hating that he could feel hot tears pricking at his tear ducts. chanyeol forced himself into a wobbly smile, but his efforts were transparent. 

jongin smiled warmly, noticing that his best friend was feeling delicate, and wrapped a hand around his forearm, guiding him to their little gathering.

"hello, chanyeol," kyungsoo's heart-shaped lips perked into a kind smile. he wore rounded glasses, making him look even younger than he should, tied in with his messy raven hair. kyungsoo's nose crinkled slightly as he beamed at chanyeol. 

chanyeol mustered a genuine smile, and once jongin noticed, his thumping heart calmed to a steady beat. 

"i see your serving us a look," sehun joked. a ripple of laughter consumed the group as chanyeol rose to his feet and posed.

baekhyun watched him. he watched how his eye twitched as he laughed. he watched chanyeol's gaze flicker down to his hands every few minutes as his fingers weaved in and out of eachother. 

he was caught staring multiple times. 

the two shared shy smiles, silently admiring the other as they bashfully ducked their heads to hide their blushes. 

jongin picked up on his, as did sehun and kyungsoo. the trio exchanged impish smiles. 

after a while of chatting - nobody went into where chanyeol went or questioned any further than, "are you okay?", which was a test, but he managed to only almost cry twice - kyungsoo recommend to put a movie on. 

they all squished together on the too-small sofa, inhaling the three pizzas they had ordered; chanyeol and baekhyun were pressed together tightly 

as the opening screen of Howls Moving Castle rolled, chanyeol felt his eyes droop. he had been awake for so long. it tends to take a toll on people, insomnia. 

before he could slap himself awake, chanyeol's head slumped forward, and his body slipped downwards until he awkwardly lay with his lower body in a sitting position, but his head resting near baekhyun's stomach. finally, the taller's unconscious head settled to rest on baekhyun's lap, and all four of them stared at chanyeol, half in disbelief, half in awe. 

sehun sent baekhyun a mischievous smile, and jongin and kyungsoo shared a mutual look of understanding. understanding of what, exactly, was unclear. 

baekhyun's heart fluttered and he spluttered slightly at the exhausted boy - with surprisingly messy hair after a shower - in his lap. stray hairs covered the taller's eyes, and baekhyun brushed them away, gaze softening as chanyeol's nose twitched. 

Howls Moving Castle continued to play, and as the others were invested, commenting now and then, baekhyun was zoned out, in a far away place, running his delicate hands through chanyeol's soft, pillowey hair, and drowsily caressing his cheeks, eyes becoming sleepy as chanyeol snuggled into his hold. 

and baekhyun slowly slipped into a peaceful slumber, head resting upwards, against the back of the sofa, leaning towards kyungsoo, one hand in chanyeol's hair, the other cradling his cheek.

jongin observed how chanyeol fell into a tranquil calm when he was with baekhyun. baekhyun was a support pillar for chanyeol, jongin thought with a smile. baekhyun made him forget his sadness. 

jongin felt warm inside as he watched his friends inevitably fall in love.