I sit with my family on the dining table as we eat our breakfast together. Not only that, I’m also currently listening to my mother lecture me on why I haven’t found a job until now. “You need to be open-minded about this, dear. Don’t focus so much on doing what you do for a while. Even if it’s not about styling, hairdressing or whatever, what’s important is that you’re stable.” I blankly stare in space as I eat my meal.

“Are you listening to me, sweetie?” She asks sounding as tired as she should be. She’s been lecturing me ever since we started eating. I know she’s only concerned for me but geez—honestly, their excessive concerns have brought me to this slump I am in, in all aspects. Do they not realize it yet? “Ne, Eomma.” I merely answer as I take another bite of rice. “See, Joonshik’s about to enter college and he has good plans already. Didn’t you promise him you’ll be helping on his studies’ expenses?” Appa butts in which only made me feel worse.

“No, Appa it’s alright. It’s not really a biggie.” Joon tries helping out. Although he’s sometimes a brat I can’t deny that we’re the closest in this home. My parents are nice but they’re too nice. They stick on traditions too much which gave me this ‘pure’ and ‘’ body of mine.

They are too kind-hearted, social, and outgoing people that they were able to hold onto such lie for a long time.

Lie about what really happened to me.

That sometimes, I myself don’t even know what’s real and what’s not anymore. But I know one thing that’s real.

One thing that my parents and I agreed to keep from everyone, according to them and also I, to protect my dignity and being a woman. Indeed, keeping it a secret kept me safe from further gossips and judgments. At least, even just for a little, it helped me regain my everyday activities and partly move on with life that time.

This is one thing that even to my past love, I kept.

I am indeed. . . .

Not almost, not ‘tried’ or any sort of excuse to hide the true events of that cruel night.

I’m not actually pure anymore; I was completely violated by Hanbin for real.

One reason why although Hanbin had gone out of jail only for a year and six months, the court filed a restraining order to him from me so he can’t really go near me again or he’ll be arrest. I bet he even felt benefited for being saved from longer prison time that’s why he will respect the restraining order and stay away from me for good.

Probably one of the stupidest things I’ve done. Doing such favor to an for the sake of my self-respect, I was that scared to be looked at, to be judged, to be shamed, and most of all to be pitied. I had so much ego, so much pride in the past.

Another thing that I kept from him, from Baekhyun.

If that restraining order never existed I would have been scared all my life, right? I’m a naturally fearful person that I try to lock inside of me and pretend that I am far from that. I don’t want them to know me, to know what happened to me, I don’t want them to know how miserable I was and how miserable I am until today.

Maybe that’s the main factor of why I couldn’t give myself completely to Baekhyun that time. . . it’s because I knew I wasn’t still fully healed, I wasn’t ready yet, I wasn’t brave enough to really tell him everything. I was ashamed of myself. I feared a lot of things including my own being.

Such experience. . . it might be less bad for one, it might be much worse for the other. Every people handle experiences differently and I think I am one of those who couldn’t handle it well.

Even falling in love, feeling loved for real, receiving so much care from a real man couldn’t help me heal so easily.

But what actually helped and completely woke me up from what I really am and what I can be. . .

Is when I lost Baekhyun.

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