Chapter Five:

Present

"Jiyong."

"Hm?"

"I've been thinking..."

"Oh yeah?" he couldn't help the playful astonishment he expressed, glancing down at the younger man lying in his lap. He expected Seungri to roll his eyes, or say something snarky back, but was met with only a serious look. He was so unaccustomed to that look, "What is it?"

"I want to stop the treatments."

Jiyong felt as if his heart was going to cease to beat in his chest, "Why?"

"Just look at me..."

And he did. He looked at Seungri, as if seeing him for the first time since this all started.

The younger man was thin, too thin, looking starved and tired. His arms were littered with bruises from needles, the endless blood draws and chemo rounds each leaving their own distinctive mark. His hair was gone and he constantly wore a knitted hat, trying to keep his head warm, trying to keep every part of him warm by bundling up, even on the warmest of days.

"I can't live like this," Seungri breathed.

Jiyong knew that was true.

On good days, the younger man could take care of himself, but those moments were short lived as his energy was easily drained by everyday activities. Even just going to the store for groceries left him feeling run down. Then there were the bad days, when everything, every part of him ached and all he could do was curl up in bed, willing it all to go away. Often, on those days, Jiyong would be there, hugging his maknae tight, hands rubbing comforting circles into the younger man's back.

For Seungri, Jiyong knew, being trapped, unable to socialize, unable to wander farther than a few blocks, was torture. He needed to be out and about, expending energy. Being unable to live the life that he was used to, to perform, to entertain, to see all manner of people, was a living hell.

"You know what will happen if you stop," Jiyong spoke, unable to go further than that.

"I'm not scared, hyung."

"I am."

He felt the tears in his eyes, welling up and spilling down his cheeks, hot and thick. He couldn't stop them, as much as he tried. He couldn't keep them from falling. Then his maknae, his Seungri was holding him, pressing their foreheads together.

"It's not fair," the words tumbled out of his mouth. They sounded so ugly, full of grief and bitterness, "This isn't fair!"

Jiyong felt Seungri's arms tighten around him. The younger man's soft, sweet voice whispered to him, "I know. I know."

-

Five Months Ago

Jiyong looked at the clock. It was getting late. He had promised the team that they would be out before 11pm so that they could grab a quick dinner and head to bed before their travels the next day. It was quickly approaching that time and he was always one to keep his word. He had one problem though: Seungri.

Something about the entire practice was bothering him. It was as if the younger man just couldn't concentrate, losing his place and forgetting steps that they had all practiced before, some of them were even years old. He could see Seungri now, in one corner of the practice room, frowning as he tried to practice his moves again and again. Something was wrong. Jiyong watched for a while longer, but couldn't for the life of him figure out what he was missing in those movements.

"Alright guys, let's wrap it up and get out of here," he clapped his hands loudly, getting everyone's attention. Cheers greeted him and he couldn't help but laugh. He approached Seungri and placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," the blonde said, but he was pressing a hand to his temple, wincing.

"You alright?"

"I think I'm getting a migraine."

The older man frowned, "We better get you home first then."

"No, I'll head back on my own," Seungri protested, "You guys go grab dinner."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

-

Present

Jiyong traced a finger down Seungri's spine, feeling each vertebrae that stuck out just a little too far for his liking. He slung his arm over the younger man's waist, hugging tight, pressing his chest to the other man's back.

"What're you thinking?" Seungri asked softly, shifting to look back at him.

He shook his head, "I don't know. My mind's just wandering."

"Are you still thinking about what I said earlier?"

"Maybe just a bit."

"Hyung, you need to stop thinking so much."

"I can't help it."

Jiyong buried his face in Seungri's shirt, trying to stop new tears that threatened to surface. He breathed in deep, taking in the scent of the maknae, both familiar and unfamiliar. There had always been something about the way that Seungri smelled, sweet and clean, like a cool spring morning. But recently, something else was present as well. It was that familiar hospital smell, the stinging bite of disinfectant and nauseous reminder of sickness. It was as if that smell seeped into every part of the younger man, tainting everything that it touched.

"Will you be mad if I go through with it?" Seungri asked.

"I can't stop you from doing what you feel is right," Jiyong said, even though he wanted to say that he would be upset. He would be angry because that meant giving up. But that was selfish and there was no room for him to think of himself at times like this. "Only you can dictate what you want, Ri."

"I just don't want people to think that I'm giving up," the younger man said, as if knowing what Jiyong was thinking, "The way that I'm living now... It's not even a half life. If I have to go, I want to go on my own terms."

"Stop." The younger man shifted in his arms. They looked at each other for a long moment. Jiyong breathed, his heart pounding in his chest, "Please, don't talk like that."

"We're going to have to talk about it."

"I know... Just not for a while longer. Please."

-

Five Months Ago

"I may have something in my bag to help with the migraine, if you need it," Jiyong offered, already rummaging through the duffle bag that contained his workout clothes.

"It's fine, hyung," Seungri said with a smile, picking up his belongings, "Let's get out of here so you can catch up with everyone else."

"Are you sure you're okay to drive home by yourself?"

The younger man rolled his eyes and didn't give an answer as they made their way to the elevator. Jiyong watched the younger man carefully, all too familiar with how often Seungri shrugged off things that could be serious. It's like the guy has no sense of self preservation, he thought as they rode the elevator down, a feeling of dread coiling itself in the pit of his stomach.

"I'll see you bright and early, hyung!" Seungri put on a cute voice, at least an octave higher than usual and hugged Jiyong tight.

The older man couldn't stop laughing as he struggled to get out of the maknae's grasp, but the younger man held strong. The two laughed and laughed, unable to contain themselves until they heard someone shouting to them from down the parking lot.

"Hurry up, you two!" Seunghyun's annoyance was very clear.

"Better go," Jiyong said, pushing the younger man from him, "See you."

As they headed in separate directions, Jiyong couldn't help but to look back at Seungri, watching the younger man's retreating back. As he waited, like a dutiful mother, for the younger man to get into his car, he noticed how Seungri's pace slowed. The maknae came to a full stop, a hand pressed against his temple.

Jiyong's heart raced. The dread he had been feeling was snaking up into his chest.

Suddenly, Seungri dropped to his knees.

It was as if the world around him slowed, watching the younger man go down, crumpling into an unmoving heap on the ground.

-

Present

"Please stay," Seungri pleaded, his hand a light touch against Jiyong's wrist.

"Ri..."

"I can't stand the silence."

Jiyong's first instinct was to reach for Seungri's hair, to thread his fingers through soft locks in a soothing motion. He paused when his fingertips felt only the soft fuzz that was left on the younger man's scalp, surprised by its presence and unfamiliar with the way those short, short strands felt in his hand. A part of him wanted to pull back, but forced himself not to.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" the older man asked.

"That'd be nice."

And Jiyong couldn't help the way his heart fluttered when he saw Seungri genuinely smile.

-

Note: So... much sadness! I'm not sure why I can't just let them be happy.