Chapter Eleven:

Present

Daesung sat in the hospital chapel, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. He had meant to start praying, to beg for a miracle, but the moment he sat down in the small pew, he was unable to do more than fall quiet as the heavy weight of sadness fell upon him.

Seunghyun and Seungri were silent when he had went back into the room with a doctor in tow. A nurse followed soon after and ushered him and his hyung from the room as they weren't immediate family, despite Seungri's protests. When Daesung turned to Seunghyun, he waited for answers from the older man, but the rapper just stood staring at the door, unmoving with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" Daesung asked, trying to pull the other man from his trance.

"He couldn't remember," the older man answered, his gaze far away, "It was like I was never in there today."

"What does that mean, hyung?"

Seunghyun's voice could barely be heard, "He's getting worse."

That was when Daesung excused himself and walked toward the chapel, hoping that a place of faith would calm his nerves and allow him to think clearly.

But the place where he went to seek solace, the place he was hoping would ease the hurt in his heart wasn't what he was looking for. Being in such a familiar setting and being unable to find comfort was shocking - it frightened him.

He wasn't so naive to think that prayer would fix everything, but he had hoped that the efforts with modern medical intervention would help. He had hoped that someone, somewhere was listening to him pleading, begging, for some sign that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

So far, it seemed that no one was listening.

-

2011

His entire world felt like it was falling apart.

The accident.

The accusations.

The absolute guilt he felt, crushing his spirit.

The incident was plastered everywhere. The internet was swarming with horrible comments, each of them worse than the last. Scum. Some even said that he should die for his careless actions. Killer, they called him.

Killer.

That word hurt deep and sharp, a knife wound in his chest.

He was quiet in the dorm when he started to pack, unable to say anything to the rest of the band. He didn't know what to say - didn't want to even speak, afraid that the words that would come from his mouth would only cause more harm. He couldn't draw them into his orbit now that something so horrible had happened.

"Hyung?"

Daesung looked up from packing to see Seungri standing in the doorway of his room. He waved his hand dismissively at the younger man, signaling for him to go away.

"No," the maknae's voice was firm.

Daesung sighed and continued to fold his clothes, trying to remember if he even had room for the things he wanted to take. He wondered if he should pack some of the books he had been meaning to read as the internet did not seem to be a safe place for him to wander into for the moment.

"Stop," Seungri strode up to the older man and took the shirt from his hand, tossing it to the floor.

Daesung let out an exasperated sigh, "Seungri."

"Why are you leaving?"

He felt too tired to answer the younger man and instead stooped to pick up the fallen article of clothing, so he could continue to pack. In hindsight, he should have left in the middle of the night, but knowing his teammates, someone was bound to catch sight of him no matter when he decided to leave.

"So, that's it, you're going to let the public drive you away?" the maknae asked.

Daesung looked up then, unable to ignore that sad voice.

"You always told me not to listen. Cause what they say doesn't matter," the younger man continued, tears welling up in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks, "What they say isn't true."

"Seungri, this is serious," Daesung said, his voice sounded so small, even to himself. He felt so exhausted. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to be having, "I need time."

"Hyung, please forgive yourself."

"I don't know how."

-

Present

"Hey."

Daesung looked up at the sound of the familiar voice. Youngbae stood beside him, looking concerned, "Hey."

He moved further into the pew to allow the older man to sit next to him. He didn't know how long he had been in his own mind, with his thoughts. It must have been a while if someone was sent to look for him.

"What're you thinking?" Youngbae asked.

"I'm not really thinking," Daesung answered, his eyes focused on the small alter at the front of the room, "I'm really begging."

"For what?"

"A sign?"

"A miracle?"

"I wouldn't even go that far."

"Daesung..."

"I'm afraid, hyung," the younger man clasped his hands together tight, feeling his tears, hot and burning, welling up in his eyes, "I'm terrified that this is making me lose my faith."

A strong arm was slung over his shoulder, holding him tight, "It's okay to be afraid."

"Are we being tested?"

"Maybe."

"That's cruel."

"I know."

-

2011

"You can't lock yourself away forever."

His mother's words were in his head, repeating over and over. It was a soft, kind voice, and it sent a ripple of warmth through him when he imagined it.

Daesung had to admit that he had become a recluse in the weeks following the accident, unable to face the public, much less himself. He moved back in with his parents and started attending church more than ever. Being among the community once more made him feel better, it lifted a little of the heaviness in his heart, but he still found it hard to forgive himself for what had transpired.

Often he would get emails, text messages and missed calls from his friends. Many of them wanted to know how he was getting along, expressing their concern for his wellbeing. Others told him they were praying for him, keeping him in their hearts and that they would ready to accept him once more when he was ready to reappear.

All those assurances, all the people who expressed their care and love - he felt like he didn't deserve it. And so, he didn't respond and kept to his simple routine.

He prayed every night.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he could feel the darkness lifting.

With his family's warmth and constant attention, he started to come back to himself. The church and all those associated with the community made the process of healing feel so much easier, easier than he felt he deserved.

He began to feel as if he could start to enjoy life once more.

Maybe, one day, he'd be ready to venture out again.

-

Present

Daesung lit a candle at the alter, sending one more prayer into the world for Seungri before allowing himself to be led back into the hospital proper by Youngbae. He hoped the candle would burn long and bright enough to be seen. Please.

He was surprised when he saw Seunghyun still in the maknae's room when they arrived. A smile graced his lips, seeing how the youngest was interacting with the oldest. Though Seungri was no longer as animated as he normally was, his voice and hand gestures were still there.

"My hyungs!" Seungri said, he sounded tired, but his happiness rose above the exhaustion.

Youngbae was already stepping forward, hands reaching to straighten the maknae's hat like a mother hovering over her child, "How're you doing?"

"Fine," the youngest rolled his eyes, but didn't pull away, "The doctors want me to add the radiation therapy as soon as possible. They said it would better their chances of operating."

"That's good, right?" Seunghyun asked.

"I don't know," Seungri sighed, pulling his knees to his chest. He looked so small curled up, "It's too much to process."

"You should think about it," Daesung said, hoping that the younger man would listen, "If the chances are good... it could make a big difference."

"I guess."

A nurse knocked on the door, pulling all of their attention towards her. She quickly gestured at her watch, "Visiting hours are ending."

Seunghyun got up from his seat and hugged Seungri. Youngbae followed suit, embracing their maknae, "See you tomorrow."

Daesung hung back for a moment, just watching. As the other men started to leave, he waved them ahead, taking a moment to approach Seungri.

The youngest gave him an inquisitive look, "Hyung?"

"I just wanted a moment with you," Daesung answered, placing his hand on the younger man's arm and giving a light squeeze. He didn't know what else to say. So many words were swirling in his mind, piling on top of one another, but they refused to escape, "That's all."

"You like me too much, admit it," Seungri let out a soft laugh.

A long moment of silence followed.

"I love you, Seungri."

Seungri's smile was brilliant, but it was full of effort, "I love you too, Daesung hyung."

Then the older man was walking toward the exit as fast as his feet would take him, feeling his chest tighten more and more with every step. When he finally caught up with the others, he could barely keep himself together, needing to cling to his teammates - his brothers - to keep himself from falling to his knees.

Is anyone listening?

The smile Seungri had given him was so bright, it hurt.

Please.

The complete effort that the maknae was putting into that smile didn't escape Daesung's eyes.

Please.

The reality of it, the stark truth of standing in that hospital room, told him that if nothing was done he would never see that smile again.

Please listen.

Because that smile, so consistent and constant all these years, was already starting to fade.

-

Note: Ahh, thank you everyone for all of your comments. There may have been a few mistakes in the last chapter as I was updating before bed, so I apologize. Thank you for reading! I hope everyone enjoys and I hope to update very soon!