Chapter Twelve:

Present

Seungri was quiet.

The silence in the room made Youngbae uneasy. Seeing the younger man gazing listlessly out the window made a lump form in his throat. He wanted to say something, but these days words were hard to find. He would find himself opening his mouth, but before he could speak the thoughts would leave him and there would be nothing left to say.

"Seungri," the older man softly called, wanting to see the other's face.

The maknae turned, there was a moment of shock that crossed his features before he gave a soft smile, "Hyung, how long have you been sitting there?"

Don't you remember? Youngbae wondered. Deciding to keep things light, he reached for the younger man's hand and held it gently in his. Those slim fingers he used to make fun of for being plump and graceless no longer felt familiar in his palm, "Not long. How're you doing?"

"Alright," Seungri answered, turning back to the window, "I started radiation therapy."

"How's that going?"

"I don't know, but it was scary."

"Oh?"

"They had to leave me alone in the room. It just felt weird, knowing something was happening, but being unable to see."

"Are you feeling better now that you're not in there?"

Seungri nodded, turning back to the older man, "How are you, hyung? What have you been doing?"

Youngbae shrugged, not wanting to reveal that he really hadn't done more than mull around, trying to figure out what he could do now that they were on an extended break. He had been working on and off on a few songs with the help of Jiyong and Teddy for months, but with everything that had been happening he put it all on the back burner. There was no way he could concentrate fully.

There would be time for work when Seungri got better.

At least that's what he kept telling himself.

"Not much," he answered, giving the maknae a weak smile, "Just keeping busy."

"You need to make sure you rest too."

"I'll rest later."

"You're going to lose your good looks if you keep doing that."

"Maybe I'll become a cute panda."

Seungri laughed at that but the laughter gave way to a cough. The younger man covered his mouth, hunching over at the force of each cough shaking his body. Youngbae immediately reached for the cup of water by the bedside, handing it to his teammate. The maknae righted himself, clearing his throat as he took several small sips, wincing as he swallowed.

When Seungri handed back the cup, Youngbae noticed something on the lip of it that made him pause. There was a faint red stain. Getting up from his seat, the older man placed a hand on the maknae's jaw, making the younger man turn to face him.

"Hyung?" Seungri furrowed his brows in uncertainty at the action.

Youngbae's breath caught in his throat.

There was blood clinging to Seungri's lips and staining his teeth a brilliant red.

-

2015

Seungri was laughing, raising a glass of wine above his head, doing a little slow dance by himself.

Youngbae's arm was already out, reaching for the younger man, trying to get him to sit down in the recording studio. The others had filtered out of the room earlier, each of them either stating they needed to go home or do something else within the building. Not that he minded being left with Seungri, but an intoxicated Seungri was a whole other story.

"You're drunk!" the older man said, arms now around the maknae's waist, pulling him close.

"And it's great!" Seungri answered with a smirk, tilting his glass to take another sip. His unsteady hand tipped the glass just a hair too far and red wine spilled over the side of his lips, dripping down his white shirt, stains blooming. The blonde pulled out of Youngbae's grasp, giggling, "Oh no!"

"You're a mess," the older man laughed, grabbing several napkins from one of the drawers. He handed them to Seungri, but the younger man was having a hard time dabbing the right places.

"This is hard."

"Stop," Youngbae said, snatching the napkins from the maknae's hands to take over. He rolled his eyes as he patted at the drops of wine left on Seungri's face before swiping the papers over the ruined shirt. There was no saving it, "It's like taking care of a child with you."

"You love me," Seungri slurred, lowering himself onto one of the chairs, gently placing his glass on the table. He cautiously removed his hands when he was certain his drink wouldn't spill and leaned back in his seat, laughing too much and too loud.

"What're you so happy about?"

"What's there not to be happy about, hyung?"

Youngabe glanced at the younger man's face, cheeks flushed from alcohol. Seungri had that lopsided smile, eyes gleaming.

He couldn't agree more as he hugged the younger man from behind, warmth spreading through him.

What was there not to be happy about?

-

Present

"Mouth ulcers," Youngbae said.

Those were the words the doctor had spoken before leaving the room.

"They're normal," Seungri shrugged, his tongue at his lips, face contorting in disgust when he tasted the dried blood there.

"Do they hurt?"

The maknae sighed, lowering his eyes, "Everything hurts, Bae."

The older man felt a deep, searing pain stab at his chest, feeling as if his heart would cease to beat at those words, "Ri..."

"I'm okay, hyung," Seungri spoke softly, his eyes focused on his hands, his thin fingers picking at the sheets, "Don't worry about me."

Then the maknae was smiling, eyes distant and glazed over, tears welling up.

Youngbae felt his breath catch in his throat as he rose from his seat and shifted onto the bed, where he took a seat on the edge of the mattress. He pulled Seungri to him, the younger man's head resting on his shoulder. He could feel the maknae trembling. He wanted to hug Seungri tight, but feeling the other's protruding bones, the frailty that greeted him in the embrace, made him hesitate.

He was afraid Seungri would shatter in his hold.

-

2015

Youngbae was dancing to the beat of the music, feeling the bass vibrate up through his shoes, traveling through every limb as he moved fluidly. He threw his hands up, pointing to the stage where their blonde haired DJ stood, head bobbing to the music, spinning records.

Seungri's smile was brilliant. The maknae's eyes shone with happiness and excitement, an expression that made Youngbae smile as well as he climbed up the stairs to the stage, carefully maneuvering himself into the booth, slinging an arm around the younger man's shoulders.

The maknae leaned in close, speaking over the music, "Am I doing alright?"

Instead of answering, the older man threw up his hands and started to dance, familiar moves triggering muscle memory. He heard Seunrgi laugh and it only spurred him on more as he travelled back down the steps, close enough to the fans to reach out and touch their hands.

"Everybody say 'Taeyang!'" Seungri's voice was on the speaker. Youngbae looked back in time to see the younger man raise up a microphone to the room.

And the crowd shouted in answer, "Taeyang!"

"I can't hear you!"

"Taeyang! Taeyang!"

Youngbae saw his band mates in the balcony area, looking down over the railing, clapping their hands, mouthing his name with everyone else. Their bodies moving with the music as they pointed to him, spurring him on.

The energy in the room fed him and he did a back flip, landing gracefully on his feet to the sound of the fans screaming, calling his name over and over. Their hands reached for him, a surge of heat, life - love - lapping over his sweat dampened skin.

He looked back at Seungri, who was grinning from ear to ear, and clapped his hands, applauding his dongsaeng.

-

Present

"Is this all worth it?" Youngbae asked Jiyong, who was sitting next to him on the couch.

The room was dark, the two of them bathed in the glow of the television screen. A game show was playing, but neither of them were paying attention. They were each off in their own world, just staring at the images moving on the screen, listening to the laughter assaulting them.

"He's fighting," the leader answered, eyes far away, hardly focused, "Isn't that worth it?"

"He sounded so sad."

"Wouldn't you be?"

"It's strange to see him this way."

Jiyong nodded in agreement and they sank back into silence. Their time together was filled with an odd sense of emptiness these days. The words were hard to find as they became tongue tied, knowing all that they wanted to express only came out as worry and misery.

Is this the way it'll be from now on? Youngbae wondered, eyes following the shifting figures on the screen. Will we always feel this empty?

-

Note: Sorry for the delay my wonderful readers! I apologize that all I have for you is sadness. I promise I'll try to write something happier next time! Thank you for reading, commeting, and subscribing. It always makes my day!