Chapter Four:

Present

"Are you sure?" Youngbae asked, holding the clippers in his right hand, just inches away from Seungri's hairline.

The younger man nodded, "Just do it, hyung."

The older man nodded, positioning the hair clipper closer. He turned it on and it started to buzz. He focused, using quick, precise motions as he began to shave off Seungri's hair. The blonde locks had already been falling out, leaving patchy spots. The trim was badly needed, but Youngabe couldn't help but feel that the act was just adding another layer to everything that had been happening. This almost made the maknae's illness more real, slowly pushing the reality to the surface of their lives.

"How's it look?" Seungri was gazing at him questioningly, like an unsure child.

"Not bad," Youngbae answered, running a hand over the younger man's scalp, searching for any stray strands he may have missed, "Your head has a good shape."

"Do I still look cute?"

The older man rolled his eyes, "Should I be nice or do you want the truth?"

Seungri laughed then, reaching up to run his hands over his newly shaved head, "It feels weird. Like I'm completely bare."

"Here," Youngbae removed his beanie and fixed it on his teammate's head, "You'll need this."

"Thanks, hyung," Seungri smiled, adjusting the hat to fit better.

"Go rest. I'll clean up."

"Let me help."

"You don't have to."

"I can help."

"No. Just go rest."

"Stop treating me like a child!" Youngbae startled at the sound of Seungri's raised voice, something he hadn't heard in a long time. The younger man's eyes were shining with anger, but as suddenly as the emotion appeared, it was gone, "I'm sorry."

"Ri..."

"Don't," the maknae put his hands up, taking two steps back.

"Seungri."

"I said, don't!"

But Youngbae couldn't help himself as he stepped forward and pulled Seungri into a tight hug. The younger man tried to push him off, at first, hands pressing against his chest. Then Seungri was sagging against him, slowly sinking to the floor. He held the maknae, lowering himself until they were both kneeling, feeling the younger man trembling against him. Those hands on his chest balled into fists, gripping the fabric of his shirt.

-

2014

Youngbae glanced over at Seungri, unable to shake the feeling that something was wrong. The younger man was sweating profusely, even though they hadn't been practicing for very long.

"You okay?" he approached his teammate, concerned.

The maknae nodded, "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine."

"I think I just need a quick break."

Seungri left the room and Youngabae cast a worried look over to Jiyong. The leader shrugged, signaling he wasn't sure if they should follow their teammate and see what was up.

Youngbae glanced from the door back to Jiyong, who was now talking to Daesung, and decided it was best to see if their youngest was doing alright. It hadn't been long since Seungri's car accident, which resulted in his hospitalization. They had tried to talk him out of getting discharged, tried to discourage him from practicing and stressing himself, but the maknae was having none of it, stubborn as ever, apologizing over and over again for missing previous events during his recovery.

As he made his way out into the hall, he could see Seungri leaning with one hand against the wall, as if to steady himself. Youngbae approached, gently placing a hand on the younger man's shoulder. He could feel the undeniable heat coming from his teammate.

"Hey," he glanced at the maknae's face, which was pale, sweat dripping from his brow.

"Is it cold in here?" Seungri asked, sounding out of breath.

"How can you feel cold? You're burning up."

"Hyung, I-I feel strange."

Then the younger man was pitching forward. Youngbae barely had time to react, quickly wrapping his arms around Seungri to catch him. They both fell to the floor and he could feel the impact, sharp and painful spreading over his tailbone and up his back.

He swore loudly before looking down at his teammate. The younger man's breathing was labored, the sound a low rattle in his throat as he inhaled. Then Seungri's eyes seemed to roll back in his head, going limp in Youngbae's hold. "Seungri!"

-

Present

"Is your family visiting again soon?" Youngbae asked, looking through the fridge to see if he could whip up something for them to eat. He was disappointed to see that the shelves were practically empty save for a few essentials like milk and eggs.

"They want to come, but I don't know if I want them to."

He looked over at Seungri, who was leaning against the counter, "Why not?"

"I don't want them to see me like this."

"They should see you."

"I know. It's just hard to see their reaction when they see me."

Youngbae gave the younger man a tight lipped smile, understanding what he meant. He wanted to press further, knowing that family was important. Seungri had been through so much with his family, done so many things to make sure he was able to succeed for them that others may have a hard time processing the thought of not seeing them.

"You don't have anything to eat here, Seungri."

"Haven't had much of an appetite lately."

"You still need to eat something."

"Hyung, you're starting to sound like my mother," Seungri laughed.

"I'm serious."

"I know," the younger man was still smiling, but there was a sadness to his features that Youngbae couldn't shake, "I'll try harder."

-

2014

Youngbae was angry.

He was upset and didn't know if he could keep himself from yelling all the things he had pent up inside of him. He had been determined when he walked into the hospital. He had been planning on speaking his mind. But then he saw Seungri, lying there in bed, looking so exhausted, and his rage softened.

"Hyung," the younger man spotted him and pushed himself up on the bed, already smiling.

Youngbae couldn't stop himself as he strode up to the side of the maknae's bed and smacked the younger man upside the head.

"Ow! Hey!"

"You are so damn stubborn! What were you trying to do to yourself, you idiot?" For a moment, Youngabe raised his hand again, ready to strike the younger man. But he just couldn't do it. Instead, he threw his arms around Seungri and pulled his teammate close, hugging him tight.

"Hyung," the younger man's voice was muffled, pressed against his chest.

"What if we hadn't been there?" he asked, his hands gripping the maknae's hospital gown at the thought. Tears formed in his eyes as he continued to speak, "What if you had been alone? Or driving? What would have happened if we hadn't been where we were?"

"I'm sorry," Seungri's body relaxed against him. Then he felt those familiar arms around his waist hugging him back, "I didn't mean to cause worry."

"Like I said, you're just stupid and stubborn."

They both laughed then, but Youngbae refused to let go of his hold on Seungri. The fear of what could have been was still pulsing through him, and the thought that he could have lost someone important to him just made him want to hold onto the maknae all the more.

-

Present

Youngbae winced as he swallowed another shot of soju. He usually hated drinking alone, but he needed to process all the thoughts and feelings that had been going through him in the past few months. When did this all become so real? he wondered as he poured another shot.

For a while, they could ignore all the signs that something was wrong with Seungri.

For a while, they could all pretend that Seungri was still healthy.

With each passing day the pieces fell away and they knew they would have to confront the one thing that had been in front of them all along.

Seungri was sick.

And there was nothing they could do to help.

-

Note: Sorry that took a while! I'm already working on the next chapter and hope to have that up soon! Once again, thanks for reading!